Greys
by amongstthesky
Summary: When Draco is forced to collaborate with Hermione in order to defeat the Death Eaters, he finds that he and the girl he thought was his opposite have a lot more in common than he thought. Post-Hogwarts. Post-Voldemort. Warfic. Rating M for sexual situations. Image not mine, found on tumblr.
1. Turncoat

**Chapter One: Turncoat**

_turncoat (n.) - a person who deserts one party or cause to join an opposing one_

Nerves.

Draco had grown quite use to them after service to the Death Eaters for such a long period of time. Every painstaking moment was filled with anticipation and fear. Keeping his thoughts blocked out of both their heads and his own, remaining a good actor...

Acting was growing tiring. Acting was becoming near impossible.

There just wasn't enough fear left in him to keep him motivated. There wasn't his deranged aunt, there wasn't Voldemort, there wasn't anyone. The only thing left were the idiots left with their same prejudiced belief system.

The Death Eaters had no leader anymore. Voldemort's downfall had shaken them greatly. All they could was frighten, not dominate. They had no way of doing anything else. There was no authority figure; no guidance. Draco's father was the closest thing to guidance they had.

Ah, his father. What was there for him to say about him? Every part of him made a powerful surge of hatred shoot through Draco's body. He had murdered Draco's mother; The one thing in his life that he had left to hold onto. But now, there was nothing. Only his hatred left for the man he had once admired, and the nostalgia for the times before the Dark Lord's return, was left to hold onto.

Not even his beliefs against Muggleborns sustained. There wasn't an ounce of prejudice left in his barely existent heart. Somewhere during the Battle of Hogwarts Draco had realized this truth. Somewhere during the Battle of Hogwarts, he had figured out that I was fighting for the wrong side.

Three years it had been. Three years, five months and eleven days since Voldemort's downfall.

Everyone had expected that after Voldemort was finished, there would be peace. They were wrong. Draco always knew they were. Heartless bastards were not going to give up simply because one of their leaders was done for; especially in a room full of power hungry Slytherins, all eager to take the Dark Lord's place.

It was on that third year, fifth month, and eleventh day that Draco decided to run. Run like the coward he was; The coward he always had been. Run from the violence, torment, and oppression he was in. Run to fight for what he now believed in. Run for it was what any sane man would do. So run he did. He pulled out his ornate peacock feather quill and began to scrawl out a note, grabbing my owl and attaching it to its foot "Take this to Harry Potter" he said, stroking his owl before opening the window.

:::::::::

Draco couldn't help but pace back and forth across the room, arms crossed behind his back. _Any second now. _Three words that kept repeating in his head.  
He couldn't help but be afraid, either. The bitter foreshadow of rejection was looming over his head like a cloud before a storm.

His grey eyes snapped to the fireplace when there was a footstep, which indeed there he was. Potter. Draco's most despised rival from school, his nemesis. The nemesis that wasn't so much of a nemesis at all. He had saved Draco's life. True, Draco despised him. True, Draco would always do so. But Draco respected the man. He defeated his oppressor after so many failed, and gotten him out of trouble.

"Erh - hi" the dark haired wizard stated awkwardly. "You wanted to speak with me, I believe?"

He snickered at Potter's attempt to sound businesslike, earning him a scowl." Yes, I did want to speak with you".

"May I ask why?"

"Explanations first, Potter" the blonde smirked. Potter rolled his eyes, but he chose to ignore this. "I'm growing tired and bored of life as a Death Eater".

"So you're in the mood for some fun, huh? Are the Death Eaters just not cutting it for you" snapped Potter, narrowing his eyes. "Think it would be interesting to see what life in the Order was while going behind our back the way you did after I saved your life in the Battle of Hogwarts? I'm not going to offer you that and you're thick if you -

"War is hardly fun" he interjected quite loudly. "War is quite the opposite, actually. I don't say this often, Scarhead, but you were right. I was wrong".

"Still using childhood nicknames. You've matured a lot".

"Sometimes, seven years of hatred doesn't go away instantaneously. I think you've learned as much, judging by the look you're giving me you've already killed me in your head".

"I have, many times".

Draco granted himself another well-earned smirk. "Good. But whether I like you and your little cronies or not, I think you're fighting for the better side".

"So what you're saying is that you'd like to fight for the Order...?" the dark haired wizard asked, the shock in his voice very poorly hidden, despite his attempt.

"Yes. Something of that sort, I suppose".

"How do I know you're not a spy? How do I know you're not still prejudiced against Muggleborns?"

It was Draco's turn to roll his eyes. "The fact that I'm here says enough. I'd hardly jump up to volunteer for a mission involving you lot".

"Then why do you want to fight?"

"There are bigger things than old school rivalries" was the blonde's simple reply.

Harry gaped at him. Draco was becoming irritated with the other wizard. "I didn't think you could ever say something so deep. You're as shallow as a puddle".

_So is your ability to see the best in people. _"Clever. Really witty". Draco's voice was drenched with irritation and sarcasm. Harry ignored the comment. Draco figured that he would have too. It was rather weak. He made note to make up a mental list of better quality retorts to save for later.

"Would you be prepared to take Veritaserum?" asked Harry.

"Yes".

"The Unbreakable Vow?"

Draco hesitated for a moment. The Unbreakable Vow? Pledging allegiance to Potter on his life? It took him a moment, but he reminded myself that it was for the cause, not his antagonist. "Yes" he answered decisively.

"Good. Come with me" Potter stated, gesturing to the fireplace. "I'm going to warn you ahead of time that most of the Order members won't be pleased to see you".

"Someone will want to see me?" he arched a blonde eyebrow. "I'm just praying it's not Weasel".

"Blaize. He's been in the Order ever since Voldemort's death".

_Blaize Zabini, the Slytherin, hater of Muggles and Muggleborns alike, fighting and staying with the Order of the Phoenix? _he thought incredulously.

The world really had altered.

::::::::

The moment Draco stepped out of the fireplace was the moment he realized how civil 'Chosen Boy' really was.

The She Weasel, Weasel King, and Longbottom were sitting at a table much too long to actually be for four people, discussing an ambush that was planned on the Scottish Highlands. The first one to notice him was the Ginny.

"Malfoy?" she asked in a cold tone. "What in the name of Merlin are you doing here?"

And then came the glares, murmuring, shouting, and protests that Draco had expected to hear. He grinned smugly at all their dramatic reactions. _You'd think Voldemort was back. _

Then he saw her. He saw her coming down the hallway of whatever the hell this building was holding a tray of butterbeers. Brown curls, soft features, big doe eyes, short stature...

Hermione Granger.

And then there was a bang. Her tray of drinks fell onto the floor, spilling everywhere. She didn't care. She stood, her teeth clenched, her eyes cold. "Harry I _specifically _told you not to believe the two faced bastard. Why is he here?"

"I am in the room. I believe I can explain, Granger".

"_Shut it_" she snapped, causing his cocky grin to spread even wider. "Harry. Explain".

"You, Ron and Ginny were the only ones who voted against it, Hermione. Majority rule. He's an extra hand and whether you like it or not he's a skilled wizard -

"He is a prejudiced, egoistic, good for nothing, spoiled -

"I get it, you despise me, Granger. Get on with the point" I rolled my eyes.

"_I AM NOT ADDRESSING YOU, MALFOY. _Nor would I ever -

"You just did" he shrugged, feigning innocence in hope of getting her more angry. Her rage was a source of entertainment... And acquiring it was quite easy.

She gestured to me, a look of desperation in her eyes, which were fixed at Potter. "How can you let this happen? How can you trust him?"

"I don't" supplied Harry simply. "But he's taking the Vow and Veritaserum, Hermione".

"I won't trust him no matter what he does. He's a vile, evil, pathetic -

"You could at least address me when you insult me. I think you're a haughty know-it-all but at least I can say it to you rather than in the third person to someone else -

"SHUT UP!" she shouted.

"You need to learn to keep your temper in control, Granger... It's not a good thing to be enraged, even if you are menstruating" Draco drawled lazily.

She glared at him but said nothing. _Point one to me, _he thought.

"Now let's get this business over with. I'm ready".

:::::::;;:::

Ah, Veritaserum. The potion that makes you feel naked. You have no choice but to tell the truth, even if it is your darkest secrets.

Feeling naked in front of those who dislike you isn't a good feeling; Even if the dislike is returned.

"Here" said Harry, sliding him a glass of pumpkin juice. "Drink up".

Draco nodded once, and took a sip. He wanted to say that he preferred the red wine the rest of them were drinking but figured that now was not the time he should be considering the flavor of my drinks.

"What's your name?"

"Draco Malfoy" he heard himself say. Being who he was, he felt a burning desire to say _'Do you know yours, Potter?' _but the potion prevented anything but the truth... And though his opinion that Potter was a git was the correct one, it wasn't a known fact. Shame. He would make note to make it one.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty one".

"What Hogwarts house were you in?"

_Thankfully, not yours. _"Slytherin".

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, clearly trying to think of what to ask first.

"Why did you serve the Death Eaters in sixth year?" asked Harry.

"Force".

"Did you intend on following through with killing Dumbledore?"

"No".

Potter nodded but Granger looked at him quite skeptically. _Skeptical? _he questioned himself.

But sure enough, skeptical she was. She was indisputably the first of their year to know the mechanics of Veritaserum. But yet she was doubting him. Hermione knew it was ridiculous. She knew her views were blinded by hatred. But yet still, she doubted him. And there was nothing she could do to stop it.

"Do you intend on inflicting harm on anyone in our ranks?" she asked.

"No".

"Are you - are you still prejudiced against Muggleborns?" her voice quivered. She had been hoping Harry would be the one to ask this question. It was difficult enough to be bullied by someone because of medieval prejudices, but to discuss it with the person she had shed so many tears over made her insecure; She didn't feel in control.

"No".

_Now I'm really doubting him. _

"Are you here to spy?" she inquired. She looked at him, hoping that he would mess up, hoping that he would say the wrong things. But she was disappointed.

"No" was his final answer.

Those of whom were in the room all were looking at him in disbelief; Apparently she was not the only one who was untrusting. He remained silent.

After a few moments of silence, Harry slid him a small vial filled with antidote. "Here, drink this. You passed".

Draco took a single drop of the antidote before nodding, cleared of the need to be truthful. Though he knew he still better do so. "I figured as much".

"What's next, the Vow?" asked Hermione.

Harry nodded. "I believe so. Would you like to be the one to do the honors, Hermione? Your spell would be the most efficient".

"My pleasure" she replied. But she thought of it as far less than present. In all reality, she wanted to be away from him. She wanted him to be out of her sight.

Draco held out his arm, looking the Boy-Who-Lived in the eyes. Harry grabbed Draco's wrist as he took hold of his. Draco briefly wondered what it would be like now if he had done the same when the two boys had first met. What would the differences be? But the thought was shattered, however when the girl he had teased so much used her wand to create what felt like an invisible rope around their connected arms.

"Will you, Draco Malfoy pledge to do whatever you can to fight against the cause that you formerly served?"

"I will" he said without hesitation. The rope snapped and flashed an orange color before returning to its original unseen state.

"Will you do whatever you can to protect those on your side, no matter how much you despise them?"

"I will".

Snap.

"Will you stay with the Order and never return to the Death Eaters, even on a friend's request?"

_Friends in the Death Eaters? Not bloody likely. _"I will".

Snap. The rope was gone.

:::::::::::

Draco quickly realized that life with the Order was going to be even worse than he had formerly thought. To his great displeasure, the place that seemed to be a rustic house was actually an enchanted tent in the middle of a woodland. Splendid.

What was even worse, however, was that there were more tents and that each of them had to have to roommates. Privacy helped to clear his head; It was difficult for him to do so in the company of even friends, but yet, with people he disliked it seemed near impossible.

"So I have to share with two people of your choice?" Draco asked Harry as he was being shown around. "Lovely".

"I'll tell you one thing; You won't be with me".

He raised his eyebrows, smirking. "Good".

"Don't think I'm making this fun for you" Harry warned. Draco gulped audibly. "You'll be with Hermione and Luna".

Sharing a room with two females would hardly be a problem for him, as he was as much of a womanizer as he was rumored to be... If they were attractive. But in his opinion, Potter couldn't have put him with two less attractive people. Loony Lovegood was insane, and Granger was... _Granger_. The fact that she was _her _was the main problem.

"Great" he cursed under his breath. "Thanks, Potter".

"They were the only group of two. I'm not out to get you. Whether I like it or not, you're on my side now".

The thought of him and Potter working together was still laughable to him, despite the invisible agreement tying them together. They had always worked against each other.

"If you're anything like me, you dislike it".

"I guess we have more alike than we thought" Harry grinned.

"Guess so" he stated simply, not returning his smile. They weren't friends, and he didn't want them to be. "So what do you usually do here?"

"People switch duties everyday. You'll find out which one you are in the morning. I usually organize things".

"Of course you do, you're Precious Potter" the blonde drawled.

Harry glared at him for a moment before he spoke. "Erh - you can go to your tent now. We won't be doing anything tonight, unless something happens. If something happens, the big bell over there will ring".

Draco considered saying that not even an old church bell would wake him up, but he lost the opportunity when Harry walked away to go talked to Weasel King.

:::::::::

It became clear to Draco that he didn't just hate Hermione Granger during school because of prejudice; He hated her because there wasn't anything for him to like about her at all. She was stubborn, haughty, easily irritated, hotheaded, snooty, and most of all, a know-it-all.

Their first argument, which was sure as hell not their last, broke out at around one o'clock in the morning on Draco's first night with the Order. The first argument wasn't one that they would forget anytime soon. This argument made them realize that they were very much intellectual equals, and that they were most definitely not going to get along

"Malfoy" said Hermione from across the room. He looked up from the Daily Prophet article that he had previously been reading and raised a platinum blonde eyebrow. "Why are you here?"

"Why are you here, Granger?"

"Because this is the right side and I've always _believed _in it. You're - you're not like us. You're prejudiced and arrogant and -

"Oh believe me... Your arrogance rivals mine" he countered.

She narrowed her brown eyes and crossed her arms. "I know you're up to something. Don't think I don't see right through you -

"I need you to answer a question for me" he told her, rising from his seat and leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in the same stance as hers. She noted subconsciously that he was attractive, but felt the urge to vomit the moment she realized whom she had been thinking about. 'Attractive' was a word that wasn't socially acceptable to use in the same sentence as 'Malfoy'.

"I would never do anything on your request unless I'd like to so I'm not going to agree to anything".

"Why is it that you, the girl in our grade at school that memorized the definition of _everything_ can't even seem to remember a definition as that of Veritaserum?"

"I remember. You're an Occlumens. Very accomplished Occlumens can thwart Veritaserum".

"So you think I'm bluffing. I'm hardly skilled enough to do that. I'm not Snape " he rolled his eyes. "And I hardly want to be here with you anyways so I -

"The feeling is very much mutual" she snapped. "You're so arrogant. I don't think I've ever seen you actually _smile_. Just smirk. Smirk about how great and clever you are".

"There isn't much to smile about when you're being pressured into killing".

"You're a bad person" she hissed.

"Do me a favor" he began. "And tell me something that I don't know. Perhaps you should start admitting things about yourself. Things about yourself like the fact you always have to be right".

"That isn't true -

"Lying is a sin" he grinned... or in _her _eyes, smirked.

"So is being a bastard but you do plenty of that" she quipped.

He raised his eyebrows, chuckling. "Not bad, Granger. You're almost on my level".

"I'm not joking!" she raised her voice. "You take everything as something to make a smartass comment on but I'm being serious!"

"So am I, no one's on my level. My level is unattainable".

"Because no one is capable of sinking so low -

"I think you are, with how uninspired that comment was" he feigned yawning. "You've got to learn some creativity".

"Would you _stop _taking everything so lightly?"

"Stop trying to make things so angry and argumentative and maybe I will. You're just trying to get me to call you a Mudblood again -

"No I'm not! I don't hate you because of that I hate you because you are still the same irritating person you were -

"Don't act like you know... Or knew me Granger" he said coldly. "You'll just embarrass yourself".

"Well then enlighten me on something good that I know. All I see is a pathetic little prat who worships his father's feet and was spoiled all his life".

He released a cold, mirthless laugh. Flashbacks ran through his mind... Being hit in the shins with his father's walking stick when he said something stupid in public, snapped at, forced to worship Voldemort... "So you would like being put down your whole life? Then by all means, we should have traded".

"I did get put down!" she said in an abnormally high voice. "And it was mainly by _you_!"

"I did what I knew. All I knew was put downs" he admitted. Why he was discussing his past with Granger was unknown. Mainly, he wanted to prove a point. He wanted to prove a point he'd changed. He wanted to prove that the one thing that was the same that was he hated her. "Though trust me, I don't regret putting you down".

"I figured you didn't. I don't regret punching you either".

"I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be noble and righteous" he smirked.

"Slytherins are supposed to be Dark Wizards" she grinned mischievously, biting her lip "And that's why you're not in the right territory. That's why you're always going to be a Death Eater".  
"Incase you haven't noticed, I've become nothing more than a turncoat to the Death Eaters" he spat.  
Her response couldn't be heard, because as soon as she opened her mouth the bell began to toll.

* * *

Author's Note

Um, yeah. So I've never posted any of my writing online before, and I'm actually really nervous about it. I've been writing this work for a while now though so I'll hopefully be able to upload the chapters a lot. I hope you enjoyed. Lol I'm so awkward ~(._.)~

Peace.


	2. When The Bell Tolls

**Chapter Two ~ When The Bell Tolls**

The bell toll was a catalyst. A sense of gloom and dread instantly filled the air. "What's going on?" asked Draco, furrowing his brow.

"I don't know" she sucked in a shaky breath. "But it can't be good".

There was a loud bang that made his pale skin erupt in goosebumps; Goosebumps he knew weren't from the crisp autumn air. "What was th-

"The wards" she whispered. "The wards are breaking".

"Why are the -

"Death Eaters" she interrupted. "They've figured out where we are". She cast him a suspicious sort of glare and frowned. "Probably because of you... I told Harry I was right about you you're -

"In case you didn't remember, I don't even know where the hell we are" he groaned. "If this is going to be what it's like here then-"

She threw his coat at him in interruption. "Malfoy come on! Stop asking questions and just get on with it! This isn't an interview, and now isn't the time for us to be arguing! There will be plenty of time for that later".

"Stop answering them, then" he muttered. She shot him a warning glance that told him she was on edge so he silently put on his coat, deciding there were more important things going on than Granger's frustration.

Wordlessly, they walked out of their tent and into the night.

There was a circle of what looked like around twenty Order members outside, all looking solemn, some of them were slightly off color and he swore that Dennis Creevey was shaking. George Weasley was the first to break the silence. "What the hell is going on at this time of night?"

Luna Lovegood answered after clearing her throat. "I was on guard duty. There was sort of a crashing noise and then I saw them".

"Saw who?" asked Ron, an obvious note of panic in his voice.

"The fucking pope" Draco rolled his eyes at Weasley's stupidity. "The bloody Death Eaters, obviously!"

"I think it's odd that you're so confident about who she saw" Ginny commented.

"It's not that hard to tell, Weasley. If you're implying that I knew about this ahead of time and didn't time, you're a fool. The Death Eaters would hardly be kind when they saw me. I didn't know anymore than you".

"Yes you -

"You can force feed me some more Veritaserum after we deal with this but right now we have to defend ourselves" he snapped. "You don't have to trust me, but for now keep your doubts silence. Anyone else got a problem?"

There was another bang.

"It's just there past the river" said Harry, grimacing. "That's where the wards end, they probably figured out exactly where they are".

"What are we supposed to do then?" Ron asked, his voice still shaky and nervous.

"Let them take over our camp, obviously. Worship the dead body of Lord Voldemort and hail our new kings" Draco drawled sarcastically. His comment earned a couple of laughs. No surprise to him, Granger wasn't one of the people chuckling, but instead she was shooting daggers with her eyes

"Now isn't the time for sarcastic comments! Surely you ought to know that by now" she hissed. "You are so immature! How come we're stuck with you?"

Bang.

Everyone exchanged glances before standing up and walking onward towards the source of the bang.

:::::::::

The only sound was the footsteps and crunching of foliage and the rushing of the river, creating quite the eerie atmosphere. They stopped at the water's edge, examining their surroundings.

Hermione gazed up at Draco, who was still beside her... Something about him. He looked _good. _Perhaps a little too good for her liking. She studied his features. Long eyelashes, pale skin that was currently tinted pink on his cheeks from the cold, sharp cheekbones, light grey eyes...

"I know it's hard not to stare, Granger, but instead of gawking at me you should probably be looking around like everyone else" he flashed her a grin. She blushed and found sudden interest in the knuckles of her fingers.

She wasn't sure what exactly that it was about Draco Malfoy, but something about him made him appealing to her. Not that she'd act on it, or think on it much, if she could avoid it. Merlin forbid that she'd ever reveal it aloud, either. Attractive or not, Draco Malfoy was her enemy. She briefly wondered if she was going mad, but before she could dwell on it Harry spoke.

"They're out here" said Harry. "I feel it. Split up into pairs and go off in different directions so we can look around".

Without thinking, Draco grabbed Hermione's bony wrist and began walking through the overgrowth of English Ivy. She quickly twisted out of his grasp, but still followed him. "Why are you taking me?" she hissed as they trudged onwards. "Surely we'll get ourselves discovered by shouting at each other".

He just shrugged, not looking back. "We're bound to be discovered anyways. We're walking right into a trap" he stated plainly. "And Granger... you're lagging behind".

She glared at him. Though he couldn't see through the back of his head, he could practically feel the glare hitting the back of his head. "A trap?" she asked, still keeping her voice down. "How do you know this is a trap?"

"Stop being so bloody dramatic" he rolled his eyes. "It doesn't take Dumbledore's brainpower to know that we're walking right into their hands".

They stopped and crouched behind a moss covered tree instantly when they heard the sound of a snapping twig from a few yards ahead of them. Hermione was breathing heavily.

"Get your wand at the ready" instructed Draco, pulling out his own. "I have a feeling that you're going to need it".

There were more snapping twigs, and now there were deep male voices muttering to each other. "Malf-

"Shh" he hissed.

Her breathing was erratic and shaky. She knew they were so close to being found, so close to being fired at... She fingered her wand in her hands. And then it came, another catalyst. "I think I hear something up behind those trees" said one of the voices.

Hermione went wide eyed. "We have to go" she whispered. "We have to get out of here before they find us".

Draco shook his head. "They could be talking about a lot of different people. I'm sure we're not the only ones hiding behind the trees" he whispered back. "Just be ready. And don't make a sound".

"But they're right near us -

"_Shut up, Granger!_" he hissed heatedly. "Just bloody be quiet". He smirked when she obeyed his order, to her great displeasure. She silently took note to never take orders from Malfoy ever again; he was far too pleased with himself.

The footsteps were growing nearer to where they were. Hermione could both feel and hear her heart pounding in her ears. She looked to Draco, who still looked perfectly calm. She wondered how the hell he managed to keep his composure in a situation like this. She would never be used to the feeling of dread before a fight, no matter how long the war went on and no matter how long she lived to see it. Gryffindor or not, being in a situation that practically reeked of death was never going to be casual.

"How do you do it?" she asked him quietly. He furrowed his brow in puzzlement. "How do you stay so calm?"

He snorted. "I'm hardly calm. Perhaps I'm just better at keeping my composure than you. All it takes is a bit of acting".

But acting would never be her strong point. She could hardly tell a lie convincingly and surely acting calm in a life or death situation was impossible for her. She couldn't help but grudgingly admire him for it.

"_Impedimenta!_" came Harry's voice from across the river.

"Some of our men have found Potter" said a voice Draco recognized. Goyle. His friend from school. "Now let's find out who's up behind these trees..."  
Draco shot Hermione a look that clearly said '_Now_' and they both came out from behind the trees. "Fancy seeing you here, Draco" drawled Goyle stiffly. "Your daddy thought this was where you'd gone".

"Is he here?" demanded Draco back. He received a nod. "Good. I'll be able to give my dear father my opinion of him".

"Hello, Mudblood" the other Death Eater cackled. He instantly recognized the deranged laughter as that of Nott Sr. "Theo told me all about you in school. Granger, are you?"

"Don't call me a Mudblood" she snarled.  
"Feisty little one isn't she? Wasn't she the one dear Bellatrix tortured a couple years ago? And Draco, do tell, weren't you the one who gave this filth away?"

He grimaced. Bad memories. And certainly a bad time to bring them up. Bad, bad, bad. But then again, nothing about this situation could possibly be beneficial. "Yes, as a matter of fact I was. Don't call her filth, Nott".

"Or what?" the Death Eater flicked his wand lazily to remove his mask.

_Confringo_, he thought as he pointed his wand at a nearby tree. There was a bang and several of the old evergreens collapsed. Draco smirked.

Hermione looked at him inquisitively, but decided now was not the time to ask him about his motives of defending her Blood Status. Later, though. Later would be a time for many asked questions... If they lived to see later.

"You think you're something bloody special don't you, Draco?" asked Goyle harshly.

"Yeah" said Draco, tugging at the opening of his jacket and smirking. "Actually, I know I'm something special".

In all reality, he hardly deemed himself special. In reality, he loathed himself. But people failed to notice or even take the time to wonder if his arrogance was artificial or not. No one really gave a shit, but he didn't mind. He preferred being a closed book, having no one able to figure him out. The fact that he loathed himself was one of the things he hoped no one ever discovered about him, particularly Granger.

Hermione felt the strong urge to hex him for his arrogant comment instead of hexing Goyle, but somehow managed to restrain herself and instead uttered '_Stupefy_', shooting the spell at the two Death Eaters and knocking them over backwards. "Now maybe if you weren't so busy praising yourself" she hissed. "You could've done that".

His smirk only grew wider at this as he chuckled and shook his head. "Don't you understand, Granger? I'll always be busy praising myself".

She shot him a warning glare. "Shut up you arrogant prat".

"Whoa, whoa" he put his hands up in mock offense. "If I recall correctly, you're fighting against the Death Eaters, not against me".

"Same difference" she hissed coldly. His harsh stare at her was both fire and ice at the same time. She could have sworn he had winced when she said it, and she almost regretted making the comment in the first place. _Almost. _

"Fine" he said coolly. "Guess I'll remember that the next time someone calls you a Mudblood".

They didn't have time to quarrel any longer, for soon there were frantic shouts from across the river saying they were being ambushed and needed help. They looked at each other and wordlessly ran through a shallow part of the water, leaving them drenched, but they were too frantic to care over such trivial things. Draco would've cared if he was still the snooty schoolboy he was before, but in the scheme of the way things were after his sixth year, having wet socks was hardly anything to complain about.

"_Avada Kedavra!_"

Draco recognized that voice instantaneously. It was the voice of his father. The voice of the man whom would be sure to cast the same curse at him once he laid eyes on him. From the sound and looks of it, the figure of whomever the curse was aimed at had ducked out of the way just barely. Then he recognized whom the curse was aimed at; Potter. Potter seemed to have fallen over, and though he managed to duck, Draco noticed that his wand was three feet behind him. He was disarmed, and surely, if no one did anything, the out turn of this moment wasn't going to be a good one, but then again nothing was good about encountering Death Eaters.

"Father!" yelled Draco boldly desperate to get Lucius's attention off of Potter. He knew it was reckless, and it was stupid. But he couldn't care less. He would much rather himself dead than Potter, partially because he had no reason to live, and partially because Potter was of more use to this war than he was."Were you curious where I'd gone off to?"

::::::::::

Hermione looked at him in deep confusion. The Malfoy _she _knew wasn't one to be selfless. He was cold and cruel and vain... Always saving his own ass before anyone else's. But there he was. Being _brave. _Her jaw was dropped incredulously. Perhaps he had changed. She considered that for a moment but then shook her head, remembering that he was still Malfoy.

"Oh stop being so surprised, Granger" he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, still not looking at her. "You're not the only one who lost your mind in this war".

"You ungrateful little" snarled Lucius Malfoy, walking towards the edge of the water where Draco stood. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You're now no more than the common blood traitor. Ah, you've found company of the Mudblood Granger have you?" He pointed his wand towards Hermione and made an expression that looked as though he had just smelled something fell.

"Trust me, I know that I should be ashamed of myself, but not for the reason that you think I should. I should be ashamed to playing your pawn for so long and going against my own freewill. I should be ashamed for ever letting Voldemort brand me with the mark, and I should most definitely be ashamed of ever letting your views on Blood Status getting to my head".

"You dare speak his name!" hissed the elder blonde. "And _dear _son, if you were a pawn to me you would've succeeded and your loyalty would've never wavered".

"I dare speak it because he is _dead. _Besides, you gave about as much of a shit about him as he did about you. He was nothing but a stepping stone for you to use to your own benefit, the same way I was".

"Standing up to me, how very _Gryffindor _of you. Has Potter become your new idol? Do you kiss the ground he walks on the way everyone else does?"

"Potter happens to believe the same thing I do" said Draco plainly. "We fight for the same cause. We don't care if we live or die in this war because it's far more important to die a hero than to die a coward".

"Well I couldn't care if you lived or die either" snapped Lucius. "Such a disappointment".

"Well then why don't you do it yourself, you coward?"

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

Draco easily swerved out of the spells path and chuckled without a trace of amusement. "Such a big man... Aiming to kill his own son".

"You hardly have backbone yourself" the elder blonde coward, narrowing his grey eyes that were identical to Draco's own.

"Yeah, and I wonder where I inherited that from".

"_Crucio_!"

He had no time to avoid the curse aimed at him this time. He heard his own shrieks and felt the pounding of his heart in his ears, writhing in pain on the edge of the water. White hot pain filled every cell of his body. Sure, he had be tortured countless time. But Draco would never become used to the pain that the Cruciatus Curse caused.

"Stop it!" he heard Granger's voice shout. "_Face me! Stop it!_"

He felt the pain inch away but the pulsating ache left in his system did not leave. "Feeling noble, are we?"

"Quite" she snapped, drawing her wand once more. "Come at me you _coward_!"

"Granger, _don't_!" pleaded Draco, who was still sprawled uselessly near the rivers edge in too much pain to get up. He knew what she was doing now was near suicide, and as little as he liked her, she surely didn't deserve to die at his father's hand.

"You filthy litte Mudblood" snarled Lucius Malfoy.

"Don't you dare! Don't you dare call her filthy!" came Weasley's voice from the opposite side of the river. It didn't take Draco much thought to know what was about to happen, and judging by Hermione's sharp intake of breath, she did too.

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

Without looking up, Draco knew that things had went just the way he had was a mundane thud, and a shriek came from the small, 'filthy', witch that made the hairs on his neck stand up. He forced himself up and walked over to her. She was already safely in Potter's ready arms.

More Death Eaters were coming. He could feel it in his veins. "_Accio tents_" he murmured, holding up two small pouches he found at Granger's feet. Sure enough, they came folded and landed inside. "Let's go" he said softly to a crying Granger.

He felt something awaken in him with her sobs. Some trace of... _pity_? Maybe even remorse. Remorse for the pain that he had inflicted upon her during school... If this was what she looked like when she cried, maybe it wasn't so comical after all.

"We have to _bury him_!" she shrieked. "We have to! We can't just leave him -

"We haven't got time!" shouted Draco. "Granger, it's about our safety now. It's not about his, he's already -

"Then it should've been _you_!" she sobbed, quivering. She shook herself out of Harry's grasp. "If you don't even care -

He figured she was probably right. Partially because she was Granger, and she was never wrong. But he didn't want to express his self loathing at the moment, or in any future moment, really. So this was what happened that made everyone so fearful. He wondered if there was a death every time, but figured now was not the appropriate moment to ask. He looked again to the wounded expression on Granger's face.

"Apparate us out, Potter" he demanded quietly, looking from the dark haired wizard to the witch he despised but yet pitied.

"Everyone!" shouted Harry. "Go to our next camp that we discussed!"

People seemed to understand what he meant because many of the Order members began disappearing to wherever he was talking about.

"Grab my arm" said Harry, reaching out his arms both to Hermione and Draco.

And with a whirl of color, they were gone.

:::::::::

Hermione felt worse than dead, in all honesty.

She spent most of her days following Ron's death locking herself in her room, refusing to get up no matter who called her. She buried her face in whatever book she could find in the large pile beside her bed and tried to block out the fact that she'd never see her best friend/ex-lover again. She wondered how Ginny and Harry were managing, but she wasn't able to muster the strength to leave her room. She knew she would break down, and she didn't want to.

She always got like this when someone died... _Always. _She got this way with Lupin, Tonks, Arthur, Fred, Molly... and now Ron. There was too much death. The air practically reeked of death wherever she went. Death was the only thing that was predictable anymore. And the sad thing was being grateful that only one life was lost; the sad thing was that the number one had become low over time.

She punched her pillow in frustration, and then she cried. Cried for the first time since his death. She hated crying, she hated it because she always felt so weak, but she also hated it because whenever she broke down she realized how shitty life really was.

The world was suffocating her. She wasn't dying a fast and easy death like all her loved ones, she was dying slowly... painfully. She almost envied them, she almost wish she was among the dead rather than the living. Because now, being alive wasn't really living.

Being wounded was so much worse than simply disappearing. Sighing, she decided to go to sleep. After all, sleep was the only time her mind could rest. But her sleep was not restful once she had managed to fall into it. She dreamed of Ron's death, and she dreamed of the sight of body's and what war felt like. There was no rest anymore.

::::::::::

* * *

**Author's Note**

Yay 2nd chapter. I'm trying to get all the chapter's I've finished writing up, which at the moment is 9, so I'll probably be updating a lot for the time being. Once I get them all up it should take me typicaly about 3 days to get the next chapter up, sometimes more or less depending on the length/content of the chapter. Hope you enjoyed. I realize this chapter isn't quite up to par with the last one, but the third one will make up for that, promise. :) This chapter was mainly dialogue so sorry if you don't like dialogue.

Lots of love to whoever reads and reviews xxoo.


	3. North & South

**Chapter Three ~ North & South**  
Adjusting to their new campsite wasn't easy for anyone, not even Draco. The skirmish back at their old location had reminded him of the bitter taste of reality.  
War. War was pain. Nothing good came out of war. Nothing. Granger's absence from meetings and duty and even from outside her room in their tent proved as much. Even he cared. It was so out of character. The fierce and intelligent witch wasn't one to succumb to emotional or physical pain. And there she was, doing it.

Another thing war did was bring out sides of people no one ever saw. Draco discovered that himself when he killed his first Death Eater on his second week being a Phoenix. A single Death Eater was spying at the edge of the wards, and though the Death Eater couldn't see him, he had killed him without second thought. His first kill of any other living thing had left an unclean mark in his already questionable soul.

The worse thing was that he couldn't console in anyone. He could make small talk with Blaize Zabini, perhaps even a little with Potter; But everyone else still despised him. He was fairly sure Potter did too. But war also brought unlikely alliances.

A particular conversation was the deepest one he had had in a long time. This particular conversation about morals and God broke out over a midnight game of cards between him, Longbottom and Potter. Everyone else was asleep.

"They're lucky" said Draco, abruptly breaking the concentrated silence.

"Who is?" asked Longbottom, who was obviously clueless.

Draco snorted. "I wouldn't expect any more wit from you, Longbottom; everyone who's sleeping, everyone who's at peace".

"They're hardly at peace" argued Potter quietly. "Hardly at all".

"They're more at peace than me. I haven't slept in four days" he replied softly, biting his lip. "I haven't been the same since I took the life out of someone".

"I remember my first kill," Longbottom mused. "I remember how - how horrible it was. I didn't feel right for days".

"I don't think any of us will ever feel right, Longbottom" replied Draco. There was a short silence. The statement was so true that it was almost uncomfortable.

"You didn't kill before Yaxley?" inquired Potter incredulously.

The blonde shook his head once. "Not a soul. I - I avoided it. But I just felt that I had to after last time... It's like a life for a life. I didn't want to hear the bell toll again... To have us discovered" he sighed. "Speaking of which, has Granger come out yet?"

"Why do you care?" Potter furrowed his brow.

"I've knocked on her door several times, Potter".

"She gets like this when someone dies" Neville said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "She always does. Always has".

"She doesn't seem like -

"Hermione doesn't seem like anything she is" Potter interjected. "She's more than meets the eye... But Malfoy, she was touched that you stood up for her".

"How wonderful for her" he feigned yawning.

"You still hate her?"

Draco raised his platinum blonde eyebrows. "Since when did I give you the impression that that had changed? I think I woke the whole camp before the bell screeching back and forth with her".

"You're going to have to stop hating her eventually... There isn't any room for more hate in war then the hate that's necessary".

"My hate for Granger will always be necessary".

Potter shrugged. "You'd be surprised" the dark haired wizard smirked. "I would've thought the same for my hate for you, but that's changed. You're not so bad, Malfoy".

"You're not as bad as I thought, either" Draco grinned.

He made note that maybe war really did bring out far different sides in people.

"I'm worried about her" the 'Chosen One' sighed, frowning. "She's so battered up from Ron's death. She hasn't even come out to shower, or to eat... We've all tried everything to get her out".

"I think I could get her out of her room, Potter" he said after a long, thoughtful silence.

"Why are you so sure?"

"Because she _despises _me" he said smugly. "Who better to do it then someone she hates? Trust me when I say that I know what I'm doing".

The dark haired wizard looked puzzled but said nothing, because somehow he knew that Malfoy was right.

::::::::::::

Draco, as he himself had predicted, was the one who managed to get Hermione out of her room. But he didn't do it kindly. He knew he couldn't. 'Kind' had failed many times by many different people, so he tried a different approach. Granger always had to be right, and she always had to argue in response. His technique surely couldn't fail.  
He pounded on her door multiple times. "Granger, stop moping and come out of your damn room".

No response. He had to push harder.

"You're not bringing the Weasel back to life by sitting in there and sleeping all day, you know. I always knew you and Weasel were lovers, by the way".

He heard her stir. With a smirk, he prodded onward.

"Aren't you going to argue back, or are you too weak to even fight me anymore? You're too afraid to face the pain...And you thought _I _was the coward".

"You're not being very nice" said Luna Lovegood's dreamy voice from the living room. Draco groaned. _Oh for Heaven's sake. _

He walked over to the other blonde. "I'm provoking her... Trust me, my method will work. She needs to get out of that room" he uttered quietly.

"Leave me _alone, _Malfoy!" she shouted from her bedroom.

"See, those are the first words she's spoken in a week" he smirked. "Progress".

Luna scowled and gave him a disapproving look before returning to reading her issue of 'The Quibbler'. _That dreadful bullshit is still being printed?, _he wondered silently. But he had more pressing matters at hand than whether they still printed a magazine. Granger.

"Make me" he shouted back, taking a lazy seat in the chair next to Lovegood's, an expression of great amusement spread across his features.

"You are a horrible excuse for a human being!" another shout called.

He raised his eyebrows, grinning, before turning his head to shout back to her bedroom. "Thank you, Granger".

"You're a right git!"

"I try very, very hard" his smirk grew. "Particularly towards you".

"Fuck you, Malfoy".

The shouting back and forth between them through the house continued for about a half an hour before finally, a rather disheveled looking Hermione came out of the bedroom looking ready to kill. "Ah, now you get out of bed" he remarked, raising from his seat. "Welcome back, Granger".

"And?" she hissed.

"_And _obviously that's what I was obviously trying to do. You can't be moping around for your whole life, you see -

"You insensitive prat my _best friend _was killed -

"Yes but Potter isn't brooding about in his room and not eating" Draco pointed out. "Trust me, Granger".

"Why do _you _care what I do?" snapped Hermione. "You don't give a rat's ass about me -

"Ah, but you see, Potter does. I did it particularly for everyone else's benefit... Not yours. But I suppose, I do care about what you do to an extent... I mean, I have to have someone to piss off and you're the easiest candidate".

She drew out her wand and stuck it to his throat. "I am _warning _you Malfoy" she hissed.

He put his hands up in mock innocence and took great effort to keep the chuckles that were shaking his body silent. "I'm innocent, Granger. After all I was only doing it for your benefit, to help _you_. I would have much rather done something worthwhile with my time, believe me".

Slowly, she lowered her wand, but she was shooting him a look that could have easily lived up to the expectation of the phrase 'If looks could kill'. "Git" she muttered under her breath. He smirked.

:::::::::::

After a few days of Hermione being up and walking around, the Order of the Phoenix had grown quite used to hearing shouting echoing through their campsite. Draco and Hermione engaged in intense shouting matches quite often, which had a tendency to wake people up at night. By the forth shouting match, people took in that they needed to cast wards around their tents so they wouldn't have to hear it anymore

Because you see, the forth shouting match was the worst one. The first match brought uncomfortable realizations into both of their minds that were better left not there.  
They were sitting at the dining room table researching Death Eater strategy over a map (a duty they had been appointed) in silence, when Hermione broke it. "I think that they've been getting stronger. They've been taking on many more ambushes lately".

"Wise words, Granger" drawled Draco sarcastically, not looking up from the map with various points marked on it. "I think I could've figured that out already by looking at the map _and _by how many bloody skirmishes I've had to go to lately".

"Oh sod off, Malfoy I was just making an observation. One that's actually quite relevant considering we have to figure out how to stop it".

"We're not going to be able to just by pointing out the obvious" he snapped, his silvery grey eyes leaving the map he was focused on before and giving her a cold glare. "We have to figure out what sort of curses they've been using the most".

"It's _obvious _what sort of curses they've been using the most... They never change! And I thought I was the obvious one".

"That's not what I bloody mean, Granger" he snapped, raising his voice now. "They have preferences! We need to learn which ones so we can learn how we best defend ourselves against them!"

"How about, I don't know, a Shield Charm? Isn't that a little basic?"

"Granger, please just do us both a favor and _shut up. _Just focus on what you're doing and maybe you'll actually get something done" said Draco harshly.

"I'm getting more done than _you. _Looking at my notes will tell you that much. You only have what, half a page?"

"My research is much more difficult!"

"Well maybe if you didn't have a go at me you'd have made more progress! Appointing us on the same research efforts was a terrible mistake".

"Bring it up with Potter when he's off guard duty, then. For now, there's nothing we can do besides just ignore each other" he was shouting now.

"Maybe if you weren't such a bastard -

"Maybe if you weren't such a stubborn bitch -

"Maybe if you'd stop being a fucking asshole and interrupting me then you'd actually get to hear what I was trying to say!"

"I don't care what you have to say!"

"Good" she hissed. "Then stop listening".

"I'm trying but you're making it increasingly difficult considering you keep raising your fucking voice at me" Draco rolled his eyes.

"Maybe if you'd stop being so rude I wouldn't have to".

"You know what else would help if you got some counseling or something for your anger management issues... Or is it just that time of the month again?" he smirked.

"You know, Draco, if being argumentative meant it was that time of the month it would constantly be that time of the month for you" she retorted. "I thought you were the one that told me to stop talking when you're the one carrying on this argument".

He stared at her for a moment, taking in her features. She was... Rather attractive; particularly when she was angry. He liked the way her eyes darkened when she was enraged, or how she bit her lip when she was thinking of harsh words to send his way. If it wasn't for the fact that she was Granger she would be well, for lack of a better word... _Hot. _

He blinked back into reality when she recommenced shouting at him. "And by the way, I will bring it up with Harry when he comes back and tell him how unpleasant you are! Maybe he can see to having you do extra duty -

"Extra duty. I'm so frightened" he smirked. "Hit me with your best shot, Granger".

Hermione hated to admit it to herself, but there was something about his smirks that made her want to snog him senseless. And now, only inches apart from each other and engaging in a heated argument, she felt a stronger-than-ever urge to act on it.

But before they could recommence arguing, Luna came out of her room looking rather cross... Or as cross as she could manage to look, being the calm person she was. "I suggest you stop shouting... I'm sure I'm not the only one trying to sleep".

Silently and awkwardly they returned to their work.

:::::::::::::

Hermione wasn't cut out for war. Well really, no one is, but her in particular. She wasn't as great at coping as her allies, or as good at improvising, or as emotionally sturdy. She didn't like seeing people be tortured or killed, and she didn't like to kill herself. She avoided it entirely before her first battle beside Draco.

"_Stupefy_!" she shrieked, aiming at a Death Eater who had just aimed a Killing Curse at Harry. Thankfully, it had missed, but her spell didn't. He collapsed with a thud.

"_Avada Kedavra_!" Draco muttered, aiming for the Death Eater she had stunned. She scowled at him. "Granger, you don't just stun them. That's the reason they're growing stronger. You have to kill them".

"I - I can't kill anyone. I never have".

"Everyone here has killed, Granger" he flicked another lazy killing curse at a Death Eater coming. "Everyone but you has, perhaps. Most Death Eaters return to battle in minutes after being stunned... Those minutes could be the ones when _your _life is on the line".

"Malfoy you don't understand at -

"No, I really don't" he interjected. "There's so many of them and they're just growing stronger. Think of all the lives they've taken -

"Exactly! I don't want to turn into one of them" hissed Hermione. "Leave me alone and go back to fighting your own battle".

But before Draco could retort, a hot, white pain went through his body and he had fallen to the ground. He knew immediately. The Cruciatus Curse. Hermione was desperate to do something. She looked straight at the Death Eater and cried, "_Avada Kedavra_!"

Though he was panting, and still grimacing he said through his desperate breaths, "Thatta girl, Granger".

She rolled her eyes and flashed him an almost smile. "Shut up". Despite her outward demeanor, it had hurt her. It had hurt her to feel a life sucked away at her hands. But in war, sometimes it's the only choice you have.

::::::::::::

Nightmares woke her every night ever since she had killed him. All she could feel was the overbearing guilt. Personally, she blamed Malfoy. But then again that's who she always blamed.

Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy.

Was it a sick joke he was trying to play? He was messing with her head. Somehow he always convinced her to do what he wanted. What other sick things could he want? She shivered. But she wasn't going to cave.

That was her mindset until the third of November, three weeks after she had killed the Death Eater. She was attempting to fall back asleep after a rather dreadful nightmare when Draco Malfoy took the living seat across from the sofa she was currently sleeping on; or rather, trying to sleep on, without much success.

"You haven't spoken to me in weeks" said Draco quietly, meeting her gaze. His grey eyes were unreadable.

"No" she agreed. "I haven't".

"Why?"

"Because I don't like you, Malfoy" she lied. And it wasn't that far from the truth, really; for a lie. She didn't like him. Mainly, she despised him. But there was a small sliver in her heart or her mind that adored his company and dry sense of humor.

"You're lying, Granger" he observed. "You do not hate me as much as you did before".

She bit her lip, to his great displeasure. The sight of her biting her lip often made him think of things that he should never think of; Or at least when it came to Granger. "You're an intellectual equal and you're easy to converse with. But I still don't like you" she clarified.

He smirked. "Someone put this down for the history books... Hermione Granger admitted someone was as smart as her".

She glowered at him but thought privately that she liked the way it sounded when he said her first name. She was beginning to pick up on little things like that that she liked about him or his mannerisms. "You are such an ass".

"I thought we had agreed on that much" he chuckled. "I think I know what you want to say".

"What is it that I want to say, then?" she raised her eyebrows, surprised.

He met her warm, chocolate brown gaze. "You don't like my company because I'm not what you expected. You thought I would be cold and cynical but I'm not. You don't like being wrong" he paused, and added just because he knew it would irritate her. "Also, you're attracted to me".

She blushed at the last part. "I'm not attracted to you".

"I'm just pushing your buttons, Granger" he flashed her a lopsided grin. "Don't get your panties in a bunch".

"I don't like your company because you always persuade me to go out of my comfort zone and I always end up regretting it" she confessed.

He nodded slowly. "I thought it was something like that".

"You know, Malfoy, you're not actually so bad... Once you get used to that fucking smirk and arrogant sense of humor you aren't that bad".

"You're not that bad either" he replied. "Funny that we'd be saying that".

"Yeah, we're opposites".

"But sometimes opposites are the ones that get on the best, isn't it? But yes. We're like north and south... Or a better comparison, an angel and a demon".

"Who's which?" she murmured, meeting his gaze once more.

"I would think that would be obvious to you, Granger" he mumbled gruffly. "You're practically a saint".

"More like demon and demon" she mused. "We've both killed".

"Your kill was justified... So were all of mine, but I've done things that no one should ever do... I'm not a good person, Granger. You've said so yourself".

She studied him. Despite his young age, he had developed barely there bags under his eyes that were surely permanent. His eyes looked haunted and his soul constantly seemed troubled. "You aren't a bad person either" she said softly.

"Right, yeah" he laughed humorlessly. "I let Death Eaters into Hogwarts. My friends could've been killed".

"But they weren't".

"Like that matters" he snorted. "I was still risking everyone's safety just to please my father".

"You were saving your family too" she argued, though her voice was still quiet and gentle. "Harry told me about on the tower... How you said he threatened your family's lives".

"Some family they've been to me" he spat. "Family doesn't force their son into something they don't want to do... Family never would even think of it".

She sighed. "Dra - Malfoy. I'm going back to sleep... But just, remember what I said".

And he would. He wouldn't be forgetting this conversation with her anytime soon. The saying 'opposites attract' suddenly popped into his mind. _Maybe it really is true, _he thought. Before he could dwell too heavily on the matter, he retreated back into his room to rest.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Yay I update fast for now. I'm trying to get what I have done up before I continue writing. Hope you're enjoying it. Love you all. :)


	4. Checkmate

**Chapter Four ~ Checkmate**

Draco wasn't sure how he felt about Hermione Granger.

He didn't like her, that was a known fact. He was attracted to her, that was an unknown fact that he prayed no one _would _ever know. And also, he liked her; To some extent. Maybe it was that she was particularly easy to converse and joke with, or more so than everyone else in the Order of the Phoenix. But maybe it was that she cared about him, and he cared about her... There was a fine line, and it wasn't infinite care, but it was there. Barely.

Their last conversation stirred something inside him. _'You aren't a bad person either_'. Six simple words that had kept him wondering about her for hours. Why had Granger said this? Of all people, she should be the one saying opposite as she had for the many years before. But then again, everything had changed since then.

Another person he had grown to like was Potter. As much as he hated Potter in school, he was just as easy to talk to as Granger and quite less argumentative. He was also most trusting and forgiving. There was a lot to respect about him, really. Much more than there was for anyone else.

Life with the Phoenix was becoming easier, but not quite yet simple. He still wasn't trusted. He was still the outcast; The black sheep.

:::::::::::::::

Though battle was often, it would never be familiar. It was always hard. It was difficult to go in brave, no matter who you were. It was easy to fear that you or your friends would be the ones killed this time. Every battle proved that.

Hermione stood behind a hill somewhere in a forest clearing; She was still unsure on their exact location. She was doing what she'd done so many times before; dueling Death Eaters. It was something that had become so casual and yet it was still out of the normal.

She looked over to where Draco was standing. He made it look so _easy_. His jinxes and curses were all shot out with a lazy flick of his wand. He looked almost... relaxed. But then she remembered the things he had said. He hated himself, really. She wondered who else he had confided that little known fact in. His outward shell was different.

"Hello, pretty" came a snarling voice standing merely feet behind her.

She turned around. Dolohov. The same Death Eater that had near killed her with a curse in fifth year. The same Death Eater that had found her, Harry, and... Well, it was best not to think his name, at a Muggle coffee shop. "Dolohov" she said tonelessly.

"Yes, Mudblood, that's my name" Dolohov sneered.

"Why do you still say Mudblood?" she inquired. One of Hermione's weaknesses was morals, and thinking other people could be persuaded. In war, it didn't serve her very well. "Surely you've learned by now that Blood Status doesn't make a difference".

But in the midsts of her motherly lecture, there was a cry of '_Incarcerous', _and she felt ropes bind her. She lay helpless spread in front of Dolohov, who was still sneering at her. "Let's finish what I couldn't finish last time" he said coldly. He flicked his wand and soon enough, a familiar curse came forth form his wand, and an evil gleam came forth from his eyes.

The same purple streak of flame from the Department of Mysteries slashed across Hermione's chest. She whimpered before falling into unconsciousness.

At the sight of the purple flame, Draco knew what had happened; Antonin Dolohov's signature curse. He broke into a run and collapsed right at her side. "Granger" he muttered. He lifted her shirt slightly to see a harsh burn across her torso, stained a purplish red. "Dammit".

He had to think quickly. They each had a Portkey out of where they were standing, all arranged to arrive back at Headquarters at different times... He was leaving in minutes, Granger was set to leave in an hour. He pulled out his own Portkey, which was a Knut, and placed it in her hand.

Her skin was warm to his touch. He almost wanted to keep touching her, but the shouts of more jinxes being shot at other members of his side he moved her limp, barely living body under a large oak tree where no one would find her. An odd urge overtook him and he murmured, "It'll be okay". Then, he retreated back to battle, but he couldn't help looking back at the oak tree wondering if Granger was safe.

:::::::::::

When Hermione awoke, she didn't find it at all strange she was unconscious. She didn't find it strange Dolohov had cursed her again, with the same curse. The only thing she _really _found strange was that Draco Malfoy had saved her life. Or at least, that was what Harry had told her.

Supposedly, she had been unconscious for three days, and even _Ennervate_ wouldn't wake her. At first, she didn't believe what had happened, or that time had passed, deemed it as a dream but when she looked in the mirror she saw it was true. There was still a large burn across her ribs that would surely scar.

It surprised her much more than it should that Malfoy hadn't come to visit her at her sickbed. He had saved her life, but he was acting as though it didn't happen. She found this act to be bizarre, but she knew that he had always been unpredictable; The fact he had saved her life with his own Portkey had proven as much.

Day after day, she found herself disappointed somehow. She tried to pass it off as her injury, the fact she couldn't get out of bed... But she knew that she was hoping (only to be let down) that he would come.

After several days, he did. His tall, pale frame was slouched against her closed door with his arms crossed across his chest. He looked exhausted, there were bags under his light grey eyes and his normally well groomed hair was askew.

"You saved my life" she murmured heedlessly.

He met her warm gaze before shrugging lazily. "At the time it seemed to be the right thing to do" he said.

"It doesn't now?" she inquired, sitting up so she could talk face to face with him better. She bit her lip. "Sit down". She motioned to a stool beside her bed.

"I prefer standing" he said after studying the short wooden stool for a moment. "And to answer your question, it still does. But after we have to work together I'm sure it won't".

Ah, there was his dry sense of humor. She couldn't help but laugh, he smirked in response. "Figured as much" she nodded.

He tensed, looking down to the floorboards. He seemed to be considering whether to say something. "Are you okay?" he questioned finally, meeting her eyes again.

She sighed. "Okay as I'll ever be. War just... It changes too much".

"War changes a lot of things" he agreed.

She let out a long, nervous breath before saying, "It changed you".

"For better or for worse?" he asked. He shook his head. "Sometimes it's hard to tell. At the beginning I was a bastard... And now, I don't know who I am".

"You're somewhere in the middle of bad and good" she mused. "You're in a limbo".

"I'm just waiting for the day we start bickering again, you know" he smirked.

She chuckled. "So am I".

He studied her features curiously. She really was lovely; he knew that. She had the kind of face that would be on a Christmas card, the kind you'd see on the street and not soon forget. Her face was heart shaped, her hair caramel brown, and her eyes light chocolate brown, but Draco was beginning to notice specks of hazel in them. He was beginning to notice a lot of things about her.

She met his gaze, her eyes questioning. "Why did you do it?"

"What?"

"Defend me, save my life... Be nice to me?" she asked softly. "It's not in character for you. You're - you're not like that, and definitely not to me. So why? Why save me, why be kind to me? What's the point".

"Potter told me something the other day that changed my views on things. I figured he was right".

"What'd he say?" she inquired curiously.

"He said that there isn't room for anymore hate than necessary. There's just too much already... And I figured I could try it, you know. Not hating you. Sometimes I actually think it's working" he answered, smirking at the end.

"Sometimes. What about the other times?"

"I want to hex you into oblivion, naturally".

"Me too" she agreed, grinning.

He left the room, though he was still thinking about the conversation. He did think Potter was right, but that's not why he didn't hate Granger anymore. He didn't hate Granger because there wasn't enough about her to hate. She was kind, caring, and compassionate... How could he complain? She was the only one that cared out of everyone in camp. His reflex would be to push her away because of that, but he couldn't bring himself to push her away. Perhaps it was because it had been too long since anyone cared about him, and perhaps it was because she was so genuine, but perhaps it was both.

And perhaps he was beginning to care for her too.

::::::::::::

'The day we start fighting again' came soon. Hermione healed quickly and only two days after being up and about, she was at the dinner table of their tent playing wizard's chess with Luna. Draco sat on the couch, frowning and reading the Daily Prophet.

Their girlish giggles were driving him mad. _But then again, _he thought, _I already am mad. _He furrowed his brow in and massaged his temples in a petty attempt to regain concentration. Just as he began reading about attacks again, there were more giggles.

"Oh for God's sake could you two shut up?" he groaned.

"We were here first" snapped Hermione. "If you want quiet go in your room or something. We're not leaving because of _your _wants".

"I think catching up on the news and patterns of attacks is a little bit more important than a game of wizard's chess" he rolled his eyes. "And you bloody well know I can't considering all the bookshelves are out here... You of all people should know that, Granger".

"You two are bickering again" said Luna in her usual airy tone. "Everyone was saying this would happen".

Draco snorted. "You don't have to be a Seer to know that me and Granger will start fighting".

"You're very rude sometimes" Luna observed.  
"Really? I had no fucking idea. Granger's not exactly a walk in the park either" he countered. He narrowed his stormy grey eyes. "And I don't recall bringing you into this, Lovegood".

"You said you _two_" Hermione snapped. "I believe that two applies to the plural, doesn't it? You just don't like being wrong".

"I could say the same to you" he said.

To her displeasure, his facial expression was the way it always was when they argued; amused. She was sure she looked as angry as she felt. "Why did you save my life if you despise me so much? Why didn't you just leave me there and let me die?"

"Because even I know right and wrong, Granger. As hard as it is to believe" he answered coolly. "I dislike you, yes. But I don't want you to be dead".

"I find that very difficult to believe. I think you want to inflict harm on me".

He laughed mirthlessly. "Really? I think I would've left you there if I wanted you harmed. That way, I wouldn't have even been the one blamed. I _am _a Slytherin after all. Slytherins are the best at scheming... And the best scheme wouldn't be to keep you alive so that I can inflict harm on you".

Luna had left at this point, clearly irritated with the situation; but neither of them had noticed. They hadn't stopped glaring at each other to look around the room, and were too enraged to notice anyone else passing through.

"You are incorrigible" she hissed. "Out of all the tents, why did you have to come sleep in _ours_? Why did Harry not take you himself".

"Erh, if I remember correctly, which I do, he said your tent was the only one with two rather than three people and he wanted to even it out" he said in great exasperation. "And it's not like I was too keen on the arrangement, either".

"No one wants you here".

"You know, you could try being a little grateful". He was shouting now, his eyes on fire with rage. "I was the one who saved your life. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be here".

"Don't act like you're a hero, Malfoy" she snapped. "You're not. You're far from a -

"I wouldn't. That's your job. You noble Gryffindors always have to do that. Don't want me stealing your spotlight, eh?" he snarled. "I never said I was a hero you could just have some respect".

"_It's just a plot_!" she yelled. "A plot. You're up to something I just -

"Not everything's as black and white as chess, Granger. It doesn't have to be you just make it that way because you're too afraid to admit that there's not always a right or wrong answer on everything".

"Explain" she demanded, still fuming with rage.

He sat down at the table across from her and picked up two of the chess pieces; one black, one white. "You, obviously, are the white. Pure, perfect, unspoiled" he held it up higher than the other one, before setting it down and holding the black one. "Voldemort, for example, is the black; dark, cruel, lack of conscious".

She raised an eyebrow. "Your point is?"

"You think I'm the black, simply because I'm not the white" he explained, leaning forward across the table slightly. "But you're forgetting that there's grey, too".

"Grey doesn't play on a chessboard" she countered.

"That's because grey doesn't know what side it's on and it would just... Complicate things. Kind of the way I am now, lost".

Hermione furrowed her brow, studying him. It was these times when she realized how intelligent, and how human, he really was; Sometimes she even wondered if his intelligence rivaled her own. He looked up to meet her gaze. His eyes were grey, too. She had already noticed that. A light grey; A pretty grey. She smiled at him. "You really surprise me sometimes, you know".

"You do, too. You're bipolar. One moment I'm a good person, the next I'm bad again".

She tilted her head curiously. "That's because I'm still trying to figure you out. You're not an easy person to understand".

"I'm a challenge" he agreed, getting up. "But you are too".

"But I - I don't think you're bad" she admitted quietly.

He smirked, striding over to her with his usual swagger. He leaned down over her, his face inches from hers. She was frozen. His breath hit her cheek lightly, almost teasing her skin. "Checkmate" he whispered.

Then he quickly pulled himself up, leaving her unsure of what exactly had just occurred and whether it was real at all. For some reason, no matter how wrong it was, she hoped that it was.

* * *

**Author's Note **

Uhm, this chapter's a little shorter than the others but I hope you guys didn't mind? Idk . Lots of love as always!


	5. Perfection

**Chapter Five ~ Perfection**

Harry, Draco, and Neville were playing cards. It was an unlikely group of friends, but yes, they had become one. They played any card game with war. In Draco's words 'There's enough war already, we don't have to play it in a card game too'.

The group talked about a lot of things, often delving a little more personal than Draco's comfort zone. In those times, he usually sat silent. Opening up was taking him a lot longer than he thought.

Finally, in the last week of November, the 21st to be exact, he opened up. Opened up about a few things, anyway.

"Who do you think's the most attractive girl here, Neville?" questioned Harry.

They were like teenage boys, most of the time. Talking about women and sex and all the irrelevant things that got their mind off of reality, even if just for minutes. "Hmm. I'd have to say Parvati, probably" answered Neville after much consideration. "You'd say Ginny, right?"

Harry nodded. "Most definitely. Second would have to go to Cho, though".

Draco snorted. "How utterly mundane and predictable of you, Potter. Your ex-girlfriend and your current one. I, however, am full of surprises".

Ah yes, he certainly was. But he wasn't about to tell them. He thought, and always would (though secretly), that the crown would go to Granger. He frowned. He knew he'd have to make up a lie. But most of the others would disgust him even to lie about... None of them quite fit his requirements the way Granger did.

"Who would you choose, Malfoy?" Harry asked curiously. Draco raised his blonde eyebrows. "I mean, you hate most of the girls here, but just on look".

"No one".

"Pick someone" Neville urged. "Anyone. Surely you think one of the girls here looks good... I mean, I think there's a good few -

"You have low standards then".

A dawn of comprehension fell across the Chosen One's features before he broke into a smirk worth of Malfoy himself. "I know who you think it is" he said matter of factly.

Draco looked taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You fancy her! You fancy Hermione!" exclaimed Harry. "I can tell you do. You're always staring at her at meetings and your bickering is just a clever cover up!"

The statement caught him off guard. Was he really that terrible at subtlety? Did she see right through him too? Who else knew and for how long? He cursed Potter when he remembered he'd been able to nose around in people's business in school just as well... Apparently, it was a gift that would never leave him.

"A theory worth of Loony Lovegood herself" the blonde rolled his eyes. "Really, Potter. Me, Granger?"

"Its kind of obvious, mate" Neville agreed. "You two have a lot of tension. Hermione does the same thing... She says she hates you but..." he trailed off and Draco took another sip of his butterbeer because God knew he would need it now. "Hey wait! Are you two shagging?"

A fountain of butterbeer spewed across the table from Draco's caught-off-guard mouth. "Wait - wait what?" he sputtered.

"You two sleep in the same living quarters and... It just makes sense".

"On the contrary, Longbottom, I don't really think it makes sense at all" Draco protested, scowling. Harry and Neville were chuckling. "Oh, shut up. If we were shagging, it would be none of your business, anyways".

"I beg to differ. We're your only mates here" countered Harry.

"You won't keep being my mates if you keep making pairings of me and Granger" said Draco darkly.

"You're at least _attracted _to her" Harry replied. "I mean... At _least. _I played the denial game with Ginny and in the end it didn't work at all. Might as well come clean now, Malfoy".

"Alright fine, I'm attracted to her" snapped Draco. "Keep that on the downlow, though. I don't want everyone prancing around declaring my newly professed love for Granger. I still dislike her".

"There's another lie. Maybe if we gave you some more Veritaserum you might tell the truth... Alright, one secret at a time, I still reckon you fancy her" Neville prodded.

Draco groaned, entirely regretting the conversation. "Oh sod off and mind your own business for once, you nosy bastards".

The two friends exchanged glances and smirked, leaving Draco as frustrated as ever. _What did I get myself into? _he thought.

:::::::::::::

From what Hermione could tell, they were in a calm, serene place of peace. But the peace wouldn't last. The brief ebb of war. She knew what this meant. She didn't believe Harry and Ginny when they said it was perhaps coming to an end... She knew it was only starting.

She shuddered at the thought of the last time they had had a peaceful period like this... And coming out of it. She looked back to the night when it happened...

_(about a year former)_

_The night was a nipping cold, snow was falling. According to Ron, it was New Year's Eve, but Luna swore it was the ninth and Harry said it was the fifteenth. Everyone had lost count of the day a long time ago, somewhere along the way they had all began to feel the same._

_The war was beginning to disappear for the first time in years. It seemed to all be getting better. The Order Members sat toasting happiness around a roaring fire in the meeting room. Laughter, smiles... _

_It was a time of joy and hope. _

_There was a bang outside. The group chose to ignore it and converse on, figuring it was Muggle Fireworks or something of the sort. The bang repeated, however, and someone had to speak. Hermione was the first one to become wary. "What's that sound?" she asked. _

_"Probably just fireworks, or something moving" slurred Ron in an attempt to be reassuring. His reassurances weren't much, though... Somewhere after his sixth glass of wine his words all seemed to become a single one._

_The bang happened again. "This isn't right" agreed Ginny hesitantly. "Something's going on out there. Someone should go check". _

_No one seemed to want to volunteer, so being decent, Hermione did. _

_"We can't just have one of us" the redhead persisted. "Come on! We need at least two more people! What if something's bad out there". _

_"Everything is fine" Neville said, though kind of shakily. _

_"I'll go" slurred Ron. _

_"Ronald, you are too intoxicated to even stand" Ginny rolled her eyes. "I guess I'll go. Mum, how about you come?"_

_Mrs. Weasley nodded. "Alright, dear". _

_Wordlessly, the three slipped from the tent, wands drawn, looking around apprehensively. The night seemed to be almost too still, though there were still loud (but not quite as loud as before) bangs in the distance. The trees swayed eerily in the wind. _

_"I don't like this" Hermione whispered. "I - I don't like this at all". _

_"_Stupefy!_" several voices called from the forest at the edge of their camp. Five streams of red light flashed through the air, narrowly missing them when they ducked. _

_ "Death Eaters" hissed Ginny in recognition. Hermione nodded. "How did - how did they get in here? We've cast all the protective charms and wards to rid enemies?"_

_"Protective charms can be broken" said Mrs. Weasley quietly. "That was probably what those bangs were earlier". _

_Suddenly, a ring of flame appeared around their camp. "Cursed fire" muttered Hermione under her breath. "Fuck Death Eaters". _

_The three began running frantically, Mrs. Weasley at the back, to their camp to warn the others and prepare for a fierce (and equally drunken) battle. There was a thud behind them, but they didn't dare look back. _

_"Come on! There's an attack!" Hermione shouted into the flap of the tent. "Death Eaters are out there!"_

_Harry protested first. "You're kidding! There couldn't possibly -_

_"I'm not _kidding, _Harry! Come on and help everyone else!" Hermione shrieked. _

_Hermione immediately registered what the thud was once Ginny's sobs pierced through the night air. But it couldn't be, absolutely not... She sprinted back, and indeed there she was. Portly, red haired and short as ever, Mrs. Weasley was spread eagled across the snowy ground; Lifeless. _

_"I thought it was over" Ginny admitted through her sobs. _

_Hermione wrapped her arms about her younger friend, struggling to contain her own. "I know. I did too" she replied quietly. _

She shook her head, refusing to let herself remember anymore. Tears were already welling at the corners of her eyes. That's what war was made of; tears. But there was a point when you became almost numb to the routine of death, she saw it in others... That point had yet to find her.

She looked back to her notebook, then decisively to the target coin in their tent. She pressed her wand to it, determined to call a meeting. She immediately heard a yelp of 'ouch!' from Draco. She smirked.

The blonde trudged in, looking particularly grumpy; To her embarrassment, he was also shirtless and in only his boxers. She was unsure why he looked in a foul mood until she looked to the wall clock and saw that it was half past two o'clock in the morning. "What do you want?" he mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"I called for everyone in the meeting room. We have to go" she explained. "Why did you feel the coin burn you? You're supposed to keep it in your pocket... You of all people should know the Protean Charm burns quite hot".

"I'm well aware" he drawled. "Incase you didn't notice, I'm shirtless. My coin happened to be on my chest. It's not like I expected a two-in-the-morning emergency meeting". He narrowed his eyes. "What is the emergency, anyways?"

"There hasn't been battles lately" she stated simply.

He raised his eyebrows. "Shouldn't that be a good thing? That means we're winning, Granger. I -

"A few others think that" she nodded, biting her lip. "But the last time we started being lazy about training and stopped being vigilant someone - someone died. It just means they're doing exactly what we're not... getting stronger".

"We're strong" he argued.

"But we don't train every day like them. We just lose motivation once things start happening and I know everyone's exhausted but -

"You know who's exhausted?" he asked grouchily. "Me".

"Well this is important and -

"I get that!" he interrupted. "But can't this wait until morning? I'm sure I can speak for everyone and say that we want more sleep".

"I'm up!"

Draco snorted. "Yes, but you're almost as loony as Lovegood".

"Just come to the meeting" she begged. "Please. We - we need you there, Malfoy. Whether they want to admit it or not... You're a big part of our team".

He smirked, and raised his eyebrows in amusement. "And those words are coming from you, Granger? You don't trust me".

"I never said I did. But you're an important asset -

"Yes, yes I know what you're going to say you despise me but you need my help. I've heard it from you a thousand times and -

"I don't despise you" she murmured, looking up to meet his gaze which had now softened. It was only when she was this close to him did she realized how tall he was, and also how petite she herself was.

"Then we're definitely in the eye of the storm" his smug grin spread wider.

Her eyes couldn't help but wander his pale body in appreciation. She had never taken the time to thoroughly _look _at him. He was lean and muscular, a build he surely picked up from Quidditch. His abs were clearly defined and his porcelain skin seemed to glow. She jerked her eyes upward in order to prevent them from travelling any lower than his defined hipbones...

"Erh - sorry" she said, slightly breathlessly. She wanted to slap him when his smug grin nearly stretched off the corners of his face. "Yeah, we are. In more than one way... That's why I'm - I'm calling the meeting".

"Feeling distracted, Granger?" he raised an eyebrow, chuckling. "You keep trailing off".

He was amused. Amused because the innocent and pure, virgin Gryffindor Golden Girl was currently getting lost in the crevices in his body. But along with amused, he was worried. Because now, the attraction was mutual... And the attraction itself was strictly forbidden. He silently commanded himself, despite his male instincts telling him differently (particularly when she started biting her lip and flushing in embarrassment), not to act upon it.

"Sorry" she shook her head. "Well we should probably erh - go".

"Let's" he said as he pulled a white tank top off the arm of the couch and threw it over himself. "And by the way, Granger, I saw that" he added, smirking once more.

She whacked his arm. "Oh shut up".

He was still smirking and chuckling under his breath when they walked out of the tent, and did not cease doing so until they reached the main Headquarters.

::::::::::::

Nearly all Order members were gathered around the long, narrow table in the main Headquarters. Everyone looked intently at Hermione, who sat at the end of the table looking solemn. No one dared to speak. Maybe it was because it was late as hell and they would all rather be asleep then sitting at a table half asleep, or maybe it was because emergency meetings never brought good news... for Draco, it was just the fact he wanted to sleep.

"So" she began, breaking the silence. "As you've all probably noticed, the Death Eaters have been strangely inactive lately". There were a few nods of agreement. "If you r - remember what happened the last time there was a calm like this... You'll remember how bad it is when we come out of it. We need to be prepared".

"You sound like Mad Eye" George pointed out. Many people snorted, but Hermione simply scowled. George tried to arrange his mischievous features into looking innocent. "My apologies, carry on".

"I agree" Draco said quietly. All eyes flashed to him in surprise. "Don't look at me all incredulously! She's right and you all know it".

Hermione flashed him an appreciative smile; Harry and Neville exchanged knowing smirks. "Thank you Malfoy" she said. "But as of tomorrow, I think I have the authority to say we'll do daily training at eight o'clock in the evening".

"So can we go back to sleep now?" asked Ginny, who looked extremely tired and groggy. "I'd like to get some beauty sleep".

"God knows you need it" drawled Draco. Many sets of eyes glared at him. "What? Can't you people take a joke?"

Hermione bent over to pick up the quill she'd purposely dropped in order to hide the fact that she was smiling to herself over his remark. Draco Malfoy was really something.

:::::::::::::

She had gotten near no sleep. Flashbacks of the night of Molly Weasley's death kept popping up when she closed her eyes.

One of the multiple things bothering her was who would die next? There would surely be someone gone. And what if she made the mistake and ruined everything? She forced herself not to cry. She had to get used to it. Plus the last thing she wanted to do was to wake her friends up after doing so before for a meeting that she called.

She was shaking. Thoughts from before were racing back into her restless mind. She had always blamed herself for Mrs. Weasley's death, secretly. She had been the first to hear the noises and had done nothing on her friend's words. _Some Gryffindor, _she thought.

She remembered the weeks after her death when she had first come to the ludicrous conclusion that it had been her fault... She hadn't come out of her room, she hadn't done anything at all, really, but sleep. But her sleep was haunted with nightmares.

She shuddered. There would be no sleep tonight. So instead, she swallowed her tears, swallowed her sobs, and swallowed her emotions. That was routine, but somehow it was so much harder than usual.

::::::::::::

Hermione and Draco had breakfast at their small table around one o'clock in the afternoon. To their surprise, they were the first awake. The rare days they could all sleep in were rare and precious and everyone in camp often slept in until dusk.

Hermione studied her toast as she spread the butter on it through her swollen, red eyes; She was a perfectionist on the way it was cooked, the same way she was a perfectionist on everything else.

"You take too long doing everything" Draco pointed out. She glared at him. "Well you're so set out to not making mistakes that you take longer doing everything else. It's not a bad quality it just... Must get tiring after a while. I used to do the same".

"Then obviously" she said irritably. "It shows who's doing it better, doesn't it?"

He grinned. "Obviously, it does. But lets not argue. I'm enjoying this eye at the moment".

"But the storm has to come back" she sighed sadly. "We're just putting it off and letting it build up until it explodes".

He looked down at her toast, unsure of what to say, and quickly felt a smirk spread across his face. "If you put any more butter on that toast, I think _it _will explode".

"Oh shut up" she hissed. "Stop mocking me. I think I missed some of the crevices in the bread and I don't want there to be any places that got missed. My toast, like everything else, needs to be just right. I have a Muggle mental disorder called-

"I knew you were mental" he chuckled in amusement, she threw her napkin at his face which effectively shut him up. She paused a moment before continuing.

"Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. That's why I have weird tendencies like looking through things over an over again. I need perfection".

"If you look for it, you won't find it" he murmured. He got up from his seat, retrieving another piece of toast from the counter and setting it down on her plate. He lingered beside her, sitting on a knee with his arm almost touching her own, causing her right arm to break out in goosebumps. He smirked. "Cold?"

"No" she answered simply. "Now what is the point of this?"

"Here" he said quietly, raising his hand right above her own. "Give me your hand, Granger". She studied him apprehensive. "Trust me" he murmured. His breath teased a sensitive spot near her bare shoulder, causing her to shiver. "Positive you aren't cold?"

She gulped audibly and met his eyes, which were only inches from her own. "Positive" she replied. "I don't know if I want to give you my hand. What have you done to earn this request?" She was putting it off. She was afraid to make skin to skin contact with him, knowing she would only be left wanting more of it.

"I saved your life" he rolled his eyes. "Just trust me... I won't hurt you".

He put his hand over her own. His hand was much bigger than her own, and it made him realize how fragile she really was. The warmth felt almost comforting. He moved her hand with his. "Pick up the knife, Granger" he whispered near directly into her ear. She shivered again, but did as he said. He moved her hand with his own, directing her hand to do something as trivial as spread butter as if it were the most important thing in the world.

He took his hand off her, and they both mourned the loss of skin to skin contact. "Eat it" he suggested quietly. She studied the piece of toast before taking a bite out of it and humming in pleasure.

"Better than the one drowning in butter, isn't it?" he questioned. She nodded curtly. His eyes moved to the bruise on her temple from a recent skirmish. He moved his face an inch from her ear and said quietly. "You see? There's nothing wrong with a little imperfection".

A random flood of sadness from the night before flooded over her and she grimaced. "Granger?" he questioned after he stood up. "What's wrong?"

She flung herself up and wrapped her arms around his torso and began to cry. The cork on the bottle of her worries and anxiety exploded and it all fizzed over at once. She wasn't sure why she chose him to express this to, but she had a hunch. Her hunch was that he made her feel safer than anyone else here. She had a hunch he wouldn't be the one to ask awkward questions during or after, or bring it up to anyone else.

Though thoroughly confused, he wrapped his firm, muscular arms around her. He thought better than to ask questions or make a retort, or even smirk, like he normally would, so instead he said nothing. He just stood there, holding her as close to his chest as he could. He was sure his tank top would be tear stained, but he didn't care. He couldn't care.

It could have been seconds, hours, days, weeks... But after a few moments, he heard someone come in and turned his head to see Luna Lovegood standing conveniently in the door. "Draco" said Hermione's muffled voice into his chest. "You can let me go". He did somewhat stiffly and turned to face Lovegood.

"This isn't what it looks like" he blurted. Those words were so cliche but applied so perfectly to the situation that he wondered how many people weren't actually using it as an excuse.

"Nothing is anymore" said Luna in a dreamy sort of voice before humming to herself and wandering into the kitchen to fetch herself breakfast.

Draco looked to Hermione awkwardly and smiled nervously. She did the same. But she was still sad. Sad because she know these brief moments of perfection, this brief eye in the storm of war, and her arguments with Draco, would soon end... Everything did. Molly Weasley's memory was proof of that.

* * *

**Author's Note**

****Yay. Um. Potatoes? :)

Thanks for reading lovess 333


	6. Trust

**Chapter Six ~ Trust**

Hermione was disappointed. For one, she was a Gryffindor and she was afraid. And for two, she was not afraid of the important issues like the Death Eaters or war.

She was afraid of Draco Malfoy. Not because he was intimidating particularly (though he was), but because she was growing fond of him. She simply couldn't do so. He was a Pureblood sexgod, and she was a Mudblood whom was still a virgin. Her feelings were on the fence between friendship and attraction, but neither one was acceptable.

She spent most of her efforts for the weeks following their intimate encounter involving toast, and for the most part it worked. She knew she could only evade him for so long, though.

She was walking down the hall to her bedroom when she felt a firm male hand on her shoulder, and she knew the evading was over at that point. She turned around to face him a little too quickly and rigidly. "What, Malfoy?"

"I was just wondering when you were going to stop avoiding me" he murmured, his grey eyes meeting her chocolate ones. His eyes made her feel as though she was melting, so she swiftly avoided his gaze and looked down to the bewitched floor.

"I can't stop avoiding you" she replied.

"Why?" he asked. He was trying to hide the hurt in his voice, but was quite unsuccessful at this exercise. "After what happened I'd think you'd... Want to talk".

"I - I can't do this" she stuttered.

"Do what?" he raised an eyebrow. "I was in sights of being friends, but if friends were too much to ask we could be acquaintances".

"I just can't" she sighed. "I'm starting to like you as a person".

"And?" he asked narrowing his eyes.

"And that can't happen" she answered. "It's not... It won't... It just won't end well, alright? We're just opposites".

"Opposites attract" he smiled forlornly, but his smile quickly turned into a smirk when her eyes widened like saucers. "I mean they mesh well. What were you thinking of?"

She blushed and shook her head. "This is - this is why we can't be anything other than on the same side. We think of things differently from each other and -

"Granger, I meant to mess with your head a bit" he interjected. "It's what I do. Look, we should just... converse occasionally".

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

He rolled his eyes. "I don't know how you did it, but you managed to get under my skin and make me care. And you haven't been yourself... You haven't shouted at me in weeks".

She grinned reluctantly. "Malfoy... I just don't like where this is going -

"What do you mean where this is going?" he smirked once more. "I wasn't aware it was erh - going anywhere as you say".

"Nevermind" she shook her head. "Just... Thank you for what you did. I'm just not sure if I... I'm not -

"Not a problem" he shrugged his shoulders, ignoring the last part. He knew perfectly well where she was going it. She had become just as aware as him at the chemistry they had. She was perhaps even developing romantic feelings for him.

She simply nodded, biting her lip. Biting her lip didn't help the situation for him. He was already sexually frustrated enough with her as it was, and her doing that didn't turn matters around for the better.

Then, to top off the mess she'd created, she walked into her room and shut the door. He groaned. This was much more of a challenge than he thought.

:::::::::::::::

Hermione had to get it off her chest. Each day, her secret was a burden on her shoulders. She knocked on Ginny's bedroom door on the morning after her encounter in the hallway with Draco. The door creaked open.

"How can I help you?" the redhead groaned. "It's so early. I was trying to sleep in... You're not the only one off duty today".

"I-have-feelings-for-Malfoy" she said so quickly it came out as a single word. Ginny looked surprised for a moment, then her features slowly spread into a smirk. "What?"

"I _knew _it!" exclaimed Ginny. "I knew it! It's just so obvious. You two have sort of a... Sexual tension going on".

The brunette groaned. "Please never repeat those words, Ginny. I just... I like him alot. And the other day -

"He held you when you cried" Ginny finished her sentence. "Luna told me. Everyone knows by now... Which is making everyone so suspicious. Half the people in camp think you're shagging in secret".

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "Well I can't say I was expecting to hear that" she paused, deep in thought. "But then again, I wasn't exactly expecting to fall for Draco Malfoy either. I'm just... He's not right for me".

Ginny shrugged. "He's quite attractive, though, isn't he? And if the rumors from Hogwarts are true he's quite good in the bedroom".

Hermione dazed off for a moment of the thought of Draco in the bedroom before coming back to reality. Ginny looked even more smug with herself than before she snapped out of her trance. "I don't want to find out what he's like in the bedroom".

"_Liar_" the redhead said smugly. "Even I would like to find out what he's like in the bedroom. Though Harry's quite -

"Too much information, Ginny" Hermione grimaced. "I didn't need to know what my near brother is like in the bedroom".

"I could go on for days and -

"Please, spare me the details" the brunette chuckled. "But... What should I do? He wants to be friends".

"Then be his friend!"

"We'll end up doing something stupid" Hermione protested.

"That's the point though, isn't it? I mean, if you like him, you should also want it to go somewhere... And with that chemistry I don't think it takes a Seer to know you will".

:::::::::::

Though her instincts told her different, Hermione decided to take Ginny's advice to heart. It was a bad idea, but at the same time, quite a good one. Her feelings were so conflicting she was constantly having an internal argument. The day she followed it was their second intimate encounter. Their second interaction that was so close yet so far too...

"I've decided to take up your offer" she said abruptly as they sat on opposite ends o the couch doing their nightly researching of Death Eater activity He raised a platinum eyebrow. "I mean the one about being friends".

"I know which one you mean, Granger" said Draco smugly. "Good. I'm glad you take it up. Great for me to know".

She scowled. "You are an absolute _asshole_".

"Funny, because you just said you wanted to be friends with me" he drawled. "But if you'd enjoy taking that opinion, I could care less".

"You're hot and cold".

"I'm only the former" he smirked. "Which is why you've been avoiding me. You can't escape me forever. I have a lot to learn about defensive magic and you have to be the one to teach me You're going to have teach me how to use my wand at some point". He praised himself for his clever innuendo.

"So what, your idea of friends is shagging me senseless?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter" he said mockingly, his lopsided smirk only growing. "I wasn't mentioning _anything _in relation to shagging".

"That was an innuendo" she stated plainly.

"So you want to think, Granger" he shook his head, clicking the roof of his mouth with his tongue. "I never knew you had such a dirty mind".

"My mind is hardly dirty. Obsessive compulsive disorder, remember?" she quipped, grinning smugly. They both tensed at the memory of the encounter.

"I remember quite well" he murmured. He looked to the bare skin presented by the small tank top... He praised the deity he didn't believe in for inventing such wonderfully revealing articles of clothing.

She studied him. "Thank you for that, again. I can't thank you enough... I - I think I needed that".  
He nodded tensely before trailing his fingers up her arm, causing her to tremble. "Hmm" he hummed. "I think I did too". His eyes flicked up to meet hers. "Granger... Can we just -

"What?" she asked somewhat breathlessly. "Can we just what?"

He was unsure what to say. He desperately wanted to smash his own mouth into hers, but figured doing so was far too dangerous. Dangerous for both of them. Possibly more dangerous than the war around them. The shadow of their next argument was looming over them and the last thing they needed was more angst. He moved his hand and set it down on her cheek, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb. She leaned into the gesture.

"I like you, you know" she whispered. "I hate you, but... I like you".

"Better stick with the first... You still don't trust me".

"I know" she agreed. "But - but I like you".

He dropped his hand with a shaking of his head. He couldn't do anything. "I like you too".

::::::::::::

He wanted Granger. Wanted? Yes. Needed? No. But he wanted her badly; Perhaps more badly than he wanted anything else. Even when they came out of the eye of the storm, he wanted her.

It was a still, quiet night. The end of November was covering their campsite in snow, wherever they were. It was a thin blanket which covered the whole area. Draco found himself dreading duty more and more as it got colder, but he learned quickly he wasn't alone. Potter and Longbottom were constantly whining about having to do guard duty in the 32 degree weather, and trying to trade with other people. It was amusing until he, too had to do guard duty.

But the still, quiet night was the night when the eye of the storm passed. It was identical to a hurricane; All was still and quiet for a while, and as quickly as it had stopped being chaotic, the chaos returned seeming more strong and powerful than before.

Draco was attempting restlessly to get some sleep, but the sound of Hermione turning the pages of her book was keeping him from doing so. He felt better than saying it; he didn't feel in the mood to argue with her. Every now and then, he would open his eyes a sliver just to get a view of her. _I want her, not need her, _he reminded himself. There wasn't much room for 'wants' when there was so much going on. 'Wants' were stupid to even have. Everyone had given up on wishes and prayers already, so now it was just 'wants'.

His thoughts were broken when Potter came running in, out of breath. "The Death Eaters are coming" he panted. Draco sat up immediately as though an invisible rope had pulled him up. "They're on their way now".

"How do you know?" asked Hermione. Draco looked at her to see an extremely worried face. He couldn't blame her.

"Someone betrayed us" said Harry with a grimace. Then he turned to leave. "I have to alert everyone else. Get ready. There's going to be a fight".

No sooner than Harry had left, Hermione narrowed her eyes at him. "You betrayed us, didn't you?"

"No" Draco answered earnestly, slightly irritated. "In case you don't remember, I have an Unbreakable Vow to Potter. I wouldn't be here right now to speak of it if I did".

"I don't trust you" she hissed.

He scowled. "I already know that, thanks".

"Don't lie to me" she snapped. "I'm going to find out anyways. Who else would sell us out like that? Everyone here hates the Death Eaters".

"'_Everyone_' includes me. I believe everyone is a general term".

"I still don't consider you to be a part of the Order" she said matter-of-factly. "You haven't proven yourself enough".

He snorted, rolling his eyes. "So saving your life at the cost of risking my own, fighting in your battles, comforting you, doing every duty that was assigned to me, and putting up with you idiots isn't proving myself?" he said harshly, releasing a mirthless laugh. His voice was raised a little bit higher than normal, and he could see the signs that they were soon going to have one of their infamous screaming matches... Or infamous to the other Order members, anyways.

"You could be doing it on your father's orders! You -

"I assure you" he growled warningly. "I would _never _do anything on my father's orders".

"You worship him!" she retorted. "I know you do! You always have! He's like... a _god _to you. You'd do anything to help him".

"_Don't _assume things, Granger" he shouted. "You don't know anywhere near fucking enough to do that. And don't talk about my father! There are things you don't know -

"Did daddy not buy you what you wanted?"

He drew his wand and pressed it up against her chin. "Say one more word about my father, Granger" he whispered. His voice was quiet, but his words were ice. "And I will. Come on, talk about my family again".

She pushed his wand away and took out her own. "This is why I don't trust you. You're drawing your wand at an Order member".

"Even if you weren't an Order member, I would've drawn my wand out at you".

"Fuck off, Malfoy".

"I don't need you or your ruddy opinion, Granger. So stop talking. I think everyone would've gotten on just find if I had left you there that day -

"You sick, immature little _bastard. _I'll remember that the next time you're in mortal danger" she shrieked. "And if you're so uninterested in me and my opinion, why were you so interested in me earlier today?"

"Please, do yourself a favor and stop talking. You're boring me".

Then, dreamy as ever, a dazed Luna Lovegood came walking it. It looked as though she had wandered into the living room on accident. "You too are fighting again" the eccentric, bonde witch pointed out quietly in a singsong tone. "Why?"

"Nothing, Lovegood" snapped Draco, as he flashed a glare at Hermione. She returned his glare with equal intensity.

"Good, because we have to go fight" said Luna.

The two exchanged a final cold look before dressing themselves and grabbing their things, and out into the night they went.

::::::::::::::

Granger.

He found himself constantly distracted by her as they fought off Death Eaters, causing him to be hit by a couple hexes he could've easily missed. He found his eyes betraying him and wandering towards her. And he cared. He cared that she didn't trust him, no matter how impassive he seemed to be.

"Malfoy pay attention!" he heard a voice snap. His daze was broken when he saw Ginny glaring at him. "What do you keep looking at?"

"Nothing" he mumbled pathetically. "Just... -

"Look, you can gawk at Hermione when we get home, but for now, you need to make sure you, and everyone else stays safe" the redhead hissed.

He somehow managed to pay attention and continued fighting off Death Eaters. He was still have inattentive. His mind trailed back into reality instantly, however, when he saw a familiar head of long, silvery blonde hair an identical shade to his own. _And, we meet again, _he thought, frowning.

"Ah, son" came the sneering voice of the man he once knew. "Still fighting for the losing side, I see?"  
"Yes" said Draco coldly. "I am".

"A terrible dishonor you've burdened our family with. Your mother would be ashamed -

"You killed my mother, so it would be hard to know what she thinks, but I believe she'd be proud. You killed her, after all, because she wanted to help the Order" countered Draco. "And I've glad I've made life so difficult for you. You've always had everything ready at your hands, and you've walked all over people to get to that point".

"You would've done the same had you not taken the chance to bare honor in your sixth year! The death of that old oaf could have been in your hands had you not turned out to be the coward you are".

"If killing makes me honorable, I wish not to be honorable" shouted Draco. "I really wish you wouldn't go picking a fight with me, father. It is not wise".

His father snorted. "Potter's got you in his pocket. Is great, _precious _Potter going to come save you? Are he and his little friends going to stop _us_?"

"So far, we've done a pretty good job".

The two men glared at each other with their identical light grey eyes. "How can you live with yourself?" snarled Lucius.

"I could ask you the same question".

"_Crucio_!" shrieked the elder of the two blondes.

Pain coursed through Draco's system like a poison. He had never felt such a powerful hatred for his own father, nor endured such a strong Cruciatus curse. When he was released from his agony, he was left panting. He reached for his wand, which was now laying on the ground useless.

"Let's see if I can kill your little Mudblood girlfriend" the father sneered at his son.

"Why do you cling so tightly to old prejudices?"

"Because the old prejudices are the correct views" replied Lucius. "The Dark Lord revolutionized magic, and during the time he had complete control over the ministry, put the Muggleborns where they rightfully belong".

"You think anyone who isn't you deserves to be treated inferior" stated Draco plainly. "But you'll see which side is the right one, in the end, by then it may be too lat, father".

"_Avada Kedavra__!_" shouted Lucius Malfoy.

Draco laughed and jumped out of the way of the spell. "So you're expecting me not to fight back, right? As you said, I do have no backbone, if the Killing Curse is what you consider backbone. Your idea seems to be entirely incorrect".

"You've been nothing to me and you've failed me as a son".

"You've failed me as a father!" roared Draco. "You've failed me in every way possible!"

"Maybe if you weren't so worthless and cowardly -

"_Avada Kedavra!_" yelled Draco heedlessly.

And with that, the man who raised him, tortured him, housed him, fed him, and knew him for so many years was dead; Taken from life from the son he gave life to himself.

:::::::::::::

Hermione became concerned. She would look up each time she heard footsteps across the living room in their small living quarters but each time be disappointed.

She was concerned because Draco had yet to come out of his room since he murdered his father. Many people had tried to tell him that it was justified, but he refused to say a word at all. He simply slept, and slept, and slept. Occasionally, he would summon a bottle of whiskey or two into his room, but he never left.

This experience was all very familiar to her. Just weeks ago, she was in the same place. She had watched her best friend die and locked herself away. Only she knew for Draco it was worse. He had killed the man who had given him life; and no matter how strongly he apparently disliked him, he had grown up with him.

She sighed in pity. She was guilty for what she'd said. Guilty for making accusations without an ounce of proof. She would have sought to help him, had she not screamed at him in their last encounter.

Ginny tried egging her on to attempt talking to it, but Hermione's reasoning blocked the idea out.

But this morning marked 48 hours of being locked up in his room, and she knew she had to talk to him. It wasn't avoidable. Someone had to try, and she thought she might have a good chance of succeeding.

She knocked on his door, and no surprise, she got no reply. "I was only knocking to be polite, Malfoy. I'm coming in anyways". She heard him groan.

When she entered, she was surprised at the state of the place. There was a hole punched into the enchanted wall, and there were stray whiskey bottles scattered around the room. But the state of the room didn't compare to the state of him.

He was developing stubble on his face which was usually shaven clean. His normally tidy hair was uncharacteristically scattered. His eyes were the hardest hit to her, though. They looked dead, bloodshot; They were not filled with their usual liveliness. His face wasn't arranged into the smug smile that so often graced his features.

"Are you okay?" she finally managed to say sheepishly.

He sighed a long, weary, sigh. "I just killed my father. I snapped, and I sunk to their level. Is it that hard to know, just by connecting the dots? But you have physical evidence in front of you...Do I look okay to you?" He sat up on the edge of his unmade bed, and she took a seat beside him, though quite awkwardly.

"Not really" she admitted. "This look doesn't suit you".

"No" he agreed with a sad smile. "It doesn't. But feel proud, Granger. This is the first time I've smiled in two days".

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly. "I mean... I'll listen".

He simply shook his head in reply.

She studied him for a moment, looked down, and knew what she had to say. She was hesitant to say it; She wasn't one to admit her wrongs. "Ma - Draco" she began stiffly. "I'm sorry for saying that you were betraying us. You aren't..." She trailed off and exhaled audibly before finishing with three words that she knew would change everything, "I trust you".

His eyes shot up from the empty bottle he was eyeing before and landed on her face. He raised his hand to stroke her cheek, but stopped halfway through the gesture, not thinking it best. But she surprised him. She mirrored him, and her thumb was grazing his profile nervously and tenderly. "Granger" he whispered.

She leaned into him, giving him a short peck on his cheek, but her lips lingered for a moment. Before he could process what had happen, she stood up and turned away as though leaving the room, but turned her head to look back at him once she reached the doorway. "Now all you have to do is trust yourself".

* * *

**Author's Note**

****yay for cheek kisses! on a sidenote, writing romantic fanfiction makes me realize how lonely I really am ;-; oh well. lovee youuu xxoo


	7. The Realist & The Silver Lining

**Chapter Seven ~ The Realist & The Silver Lining**

It didn't take long after his encounter with Granger for him to come out of his room. How she had this effect on him? He was not sure. But he did know that she affected him in such a way that he had never been affected before.

It was like a crush in Draco's teenage years. Whenever he was around her, he would feel like he ate Honeydukes' hopping peppermint frogs. His heart would skip beats, and occasionally he would even blush. Those were the times when he just wanted to hide, to run away from her. But he couldn't.

For one, they were constantly assigned duty together. For another, they were sleeping and living in the same quarters. It wasn't that easy to avoid her, either. She was one of the only people he could stand to talk to; and she and Potter were certainly his only intellectual equals in the campsite.

He first admitted his feelings for Hermione to Potter over a game of the childish card game 'Go Fish'.

"So tell me, what's going on between you and Hermione?" asked Potter abruptly. Draco raised his eyebrows, startled. "Oh don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Luna saw you two... And she told me she got you out of your room".

"Erh - Nothing's really going on" he lied stiffly.

The Chosen One rolled his green eyes. "I'm not daft, Malfoy. I know that there's something going on between the two of you".

"I already told you, I'm just attracted to her. I can't stand her to -

"If you can't stand her then why did you bother comforting her?" Potter quipped. Draco cursed him internally. "And you two always talk".

"What do you want me to say, Potter?" asked Draco in an exasperated sort of tone.

"I want you to admit that you have feelings for her" the dark haired wizard answered matter-of-factly. "Because I'm not the only one who's noticed. The whole campsite has, even the ones you don't talk to".

Draco snorted. "That's the majority of all the twenty four people here".

"Fair enough" said Potter plainly. "But don't think I've dropped your case, Malfoy. You fancy her and you know it as well as I do".

"I don't fancy her".

"Lies" the Boy Who Lived smirked knowingly. "Tell me".

"No".

"Tell me" he repeated.

"No".

"Tell me".

"Fine I fancy Granger. Are you happy now?" Draco rolled his eyes. "All you people are so nosy. It's a bit annoying, really".

"You don't have to be nosy to see that you fancy her. But where exactly do you plan to take this?"

Draco let out a long breath. "I was just asking myself the same question".

:::::::::::

The first time he kissed Hermione Granger was a lazy Saturday morning in the first week of December. Everyone was asleep besides them, perhaps it was because it was five o'clock in the morning, or perhaps it was because everyone was exhausted from the endless meeting they had had the night before.

She was curled up in a ball, crying over Mrs. Weasley's death and her various war related anxieties into her knees. These days, they were becoming too many to list. And now she had the new problem, in the shape and form of Draco Malfoy.

Sure, it was a conventional problem; Girl meets boy, boy and girl have connection, girl is confused. It would've been as perfectly conventional as could be if it wasn't for the fact they, as two people and one, were as unconventional as they came.

Draco was careful as he approached her, preparing his self restraint and swallowing the snarky comments that constantly rested just behind his tongue, ready to pounce. Self restraint was key when it came to Granger. He sat awkwardly at the end of the couch just by her feet. Draco Malfoy was a smooth bastard except for Granger. Granger was many exceptions for him.

"Are you okay?" he murmured finally.  
She lifted her face from her knees and met his eyes. She smiled, and repeated his words from the time she consoled him over the death of his father. "Do I look okay?"

"Not really" he chuckled, more for nerves than for humor. "What's wrong?"

She thought for a moment, before sighing and returning his gaze. "The question is more 'what isn't wrong?', now isn't it" she smiled forlornly. "I just miss the times before all this happened, you know?"

He nodded. "We all do, Granger. But they aren't coming back so we might as well just forget about it".

She swallowed audibly, obviously trying to pull herself together and keep back the sobs that were threatening to escape her. "I don't think so" she said quietly. "It might go back to that, eventually".

"But really, it won't go back to that" he countered. "We won't be the same as we were. There will be too many scars left that won't heal".

She glowered at him. "Are you trying to make me feel better or worse? You're such a pessimist".

"I'm a realist" he argued, though his tone was still gentle. "We all have to accept reality at some point. Right now times are so fucking bad that any realist would seem like a pessimist".

She nodded in agreement and sat up. "I'm just hoping that times won't always stay this way".

"They won't, Granger" he reassured her. "For now, you just have to stop being an optimist; otherwise, your expectations will always be too high".

"I think your expectations are too low" she mused.

"They're not" he breathed, drawing his face closer to hers. "There can still be a silver lining, you know".

Her heart was pounding in her ears, and she knew exactly what was coming next. "And what might that be?" she whispered.

Then the action was finalized. Draco hungrily pressed their mouths together. They fit like two puzzle pieces, like they were supposed to be this way. He fought his instincts and attempted to be gentle, and to his surprise he was. Her gestures were timid, but it was clear enough to him that she was Granger, and if she didn't want him she would be pushing him away.

"Wait" she murmured against his lips after what could've been seconds, minutes, hours... days. He pulled away with a frustrated grown. "I don't know about this. We're so dysfunctional, Draco".

"Dysfunctional isn't always a bad thing" he murmured. "And that's what we are; dysfunctional. That's what makes it all seem real".

"Is it real?" she thought aloud. She hadn't necessarily meant to say it aloud, but perhaps it had to be asked.

He shrugged before placing a hand on her cheek and stroking her cheekbone with the pad of his thumb. "Seems pretty real, doesn't it".

She sighed before pressing her lips to his once more and sighing into her newly found contentment. Or as he called it, the silver lining.

:::::::::::::

"I kissed him, you know" Hermione said abruptly one morning when her and Ginny ate breakfast together in the meeting area.

The redhead raised her eyebrows. "I can't say that surprises me, but honestly Hermione; I have a bad feeling that he's going to use you".

"I think that sometimes too" she confessed. "But I think we all need a little release right now and... He's my only option at the moment".

Ginny bit her lip in hesitation, unsure of what she was thinking of asking was the wrong thing to say. She spoke anyways. "Do you think you and Ron would've ended up together if he hadn't... You know?"

Hermione shook her head. "After our breakup, I kind of got used to the idea that me and him didn't fit that way. It seemed everyone wanted us together except -

"Except for you, yeah" Ginny agreed. "But he loved you, you know. Even after it was all over, he loved you".

"I know" Hermione replied weakly. "I know he did. I wonder what he would think now... If he knew about me and Draco".

"It sounds odd" mused Ginny.

"What?" Hermione asked, puzzled.

The redhead shook her head. "I've just never heard you say Malfoy's first name before. It sounds... odd".

"A lot of things are odd now".

Ginny smirked. "Obviously. You've just kissed Draco Malfoy".

Hermione laughed, a full, hearty laugh that made her eyes crinkle. She was startled by the fullness of the laugh, as she hadn't laughed in this way for so long. After she regained her composure she looked towards Ginny, who was still chuckling under her breath. "Is it bad that I enjoyed it?"

"No" answered the redhead immediately. "Anyone would. He's attractive whether he's a git or not".

"He's not as bad as he seems" Hermione hummed. "He's actually a good man".

Ginny laughed. "See, Hermione? A lot of things are odd now".

::::::::::::::

Days went by without a word to each other.

It was always like this; always unsaid words and insecurities after anything happened between them. But the silence only made Draco more anxious and unsure. His attachment to Granger was becoming too much to bare, but her avoiding him, him avoiding her, didn't help anything. It just made it worse.

He always ended up cornering her someway or another, usually when she was alone. He found that she was alone more and more often as the war became more and more of a heavy burden on her shoulders. She seemed to like it; being alone. That was something they had in common.

It took a long time for him to finally corner her, to get her on her own where she couldn't escape. They had been anxiously awaiting the conversation following their kiss for days, and sure enough a Friday night, almost precisely a week from when they had first kissed, he managed to get her alone in the hallway.

"Granger" he snapped abruptly. She flinched before turning and releasing a shaky breath.

"What is it, Draco?" she asked sheepishly. "You scared me".

He nodded curtly. "I tend to have that effect on people" he paused so he could smirk. She scowled. "But the purpose of this conversation isn't that. You've been avoiding me for the past six days and I think I deserve an explanation".

She swallowed audibly. "We - we are just too - we -

"Spit it out" he rolled his eyes.

"We can't - _it _can't happen again" sighed Hermione. "It just... It isn't right. We clash horribly together".

"Do _you _want it to happen, Granger?" he inquired softly.

"I - I'm not sure what I want right now and that's the problem anything like this would be making a horrible mistake and I can't let you and I happen because we'd simply -

"Get to the point" he interjected.

"It'll end bad" she blurted heedlessly. "It will end and we'll just be even more cut up than before it doesn't matter how it happens we could fight, go missing, die..."

"That" he smiled smugly and was amused by her puzzled expression. "Is the first time I've ever heard you be a realist".

"Then why do you want this?" she asked.

He raised his eyebrows. "I don't recall ever expressing that _I _wanted this. Dreaming, now are we? Well you are an optimist".

She frowned. "This is why I can't deal with you! You're insufferable!"

He grinned, an amused expression spreading over his features. "Was I really that bad then? Ah, shame" he said smugly. She scowled. "I'd like you to tell me why you were attacking my mouth a few days ago if you can't stand me".

She sighed and met his eyes for the first time. "I don't know how I feel about you, Draco".

He nodded. "I don't know how I feel about you either, Granger" he paused. "But it wouldn't hurt either of us to find out".

"It's just so _absurd_! Completely wrong on every level! I mean, we loathe each other most of the time! How can this ever work?"

"But we don't really loathe each other, do we?" he chuckled and shook his head. "I mean, if we really did loathe each other, we wouldn't be snogging".

She turned a faint shade of pink. "We've only snogged _once _actually. And I' going to make sure it doesn't happen again -

"Who's the pessimist now, Granger?" he smirked. "You need to just let things unfold... Including your panties, which are obviously in a bunch if you're acting like this".

She groaned. "Why do I even deal with you?"

"Because this is our only silver lining" he answered quietly, meeting her gaze.

She thought he had pretty eyes. This was one of the things she'd never tell him, that she'd keep to herself. It was true, nevertheless. Light grey with a hint of blue... "I know it is" she sighed. "But that doesn't mean that it's right or that it won't make us feel even worse when it's over".

He sighed melodramatically, running a hand through his hair and using his other to prop himself up against a wall. "Must you always think of the future, Granger?"

She bit her lip. He cursed her internally for doing so. "The future's important".

"Yes" he agreed. "But the future's inevitable... And we're in war. No matter what we do, the future's not going to be bright".

"Pessimist" she rolled her eyes.

"Realist" he corrected. "You have to loosen up. Stop caring so much about what's going to come to pass... Live in the present".

"Living in the present doesn't mean I have to snog you".

He clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth three times and shook his head. "Always so _cynical_" he breathed, taking a step towards her. She backed up, and he grinned. "Living in the present means doing what you _want_".

"How do you know what I want?" she hissed, glaring at him.

"It's not difficult to tell, really" he murmured. "You think too much... Sometimes you have to live on pure instinct".

Her eyes lingered on his mouth for a moment too long... Pink lips and flawlessly white teeth, before she shook her head. "I can't do this, Malfoy".

He decided to give up, knowing that this approach to the matter would have her pouncing on him. "Fine, Granger" he smirked at her confused expression. "Suit yourself".

He turned to leave, swaggering towards his bedroom... She hated his smug gait that he always took, she despised it. But yet she liked it so much at the same time.  
She hated that he had given up so easily, that he hadn't _fought _for her. So now it was her turn. Before she knew what she was doing, she had spun him around and made their lips meet in a raw clash of teeth and tongue. It was the type of kiss that made her head spin; she sort of felt like she was floating. Everything was _him. _

He rested his hands on her hips before murmuring against her lips, "I knew you'd do that".

Her lips were on his again for a few moments before she replied. "How so?" she breathed. Her heartbeat was erratic, he could feel it against his lips when he trailed kisses across her neck.

"You're predictable" he paused so he could press his lips against hers again. "You're not hard to read. You wear your heart on your sleeve like all Gryffindors do".

"Hmmm" she hummed. "I suppose I do".

"Guess so" he whispered before sucking at a tender spot near her ear. She whimpered. She felt that damned _smirk _against her neck. "What happened to not wanting it?"

They pulled apart from each other clumsily when they heard someone clear their throat. They turned to see Ginny Weasley smirking knowingly. "I hate to interrupt, but we've just got word that there's an ambush in St. Mungo's" the redhead stated with a grimace. "Harry wants you both to go fight".

Draco nodded tensely.

"You two can resume whatever you were planning to do later" she winked at Hermione before heading out of their tent.

:::::::::::::

It was only once they had arrived via Floo Powder to St. Mungo's did Hermione realize what a realist Draco really was.

There was a lot of blood. There was blood everywhere. There were screams, tears. The whole place smelled of sweat, smoke and war. Some of the walls and counters were on fire, undebatably from a misfired Killing Curse cast by one of the Death Eaters.

She grimaced as she had to step over a dead body. "What type of twisted person would try to attack the _sick_?" she asked Draco, obviously disgusted.

"They aren't human, really, the Death Eaters" he replied. "But then again, none of us are anymore".

"Alright" announced Harry. "We're going to split up into pairs. Hermione, Malfoy, you two go together -

"That's not a good idea, Harry" said George.

Ginny snorted. "Yeah, they won't get anything done besides snogging".

Hermione and Draco both grew rather pink. "Well then, Hermione you go with Neville. Draco, you go with Blaize".

Draco tensed when he set his eyes to his old school friend; he could see that Zabini had done the same. It was bizarre hearing Potter call him by his first name when Draco couldn't anymore. The roles had seemingly been reversed.

He envied Hermione for getting to go with a friend, a companion. There would be no uncomfortable questions. There would be no stiff atmosphere. There would be no questions about her dead father. She would be comfortable; or as comfortable as you could be in such a hellish situation.

He walked awkwardly over to Zabini, unsure of how to even greet him. "Erh" said Draco.

"Welcome to the Order, Draco" said Zabini, grinning and patting him on the back. "I haven't gotten a chance to catch up with you yet".

"Yeah" the blond agreed weakly. "But now isn't exactly the time for two friends to catch up, now is it".

For the most part, it was true. Now really wasn't the time to catch up. But really, he didn't want to catch up. What was there to say for the past few years? He didn't want to speak of his miserable existence, and he didn't want to talk about killing his father.

They continued walking in silence, turning corners until they reached an intense skirmish area. The healers of St. Mungo's were attempting to fight two rather large Death Eaters. There were too children crouched behind an upturned hospital bed crying and whimpering.

Draco flinched when he saw the body of his old teacher, Gilderoy Lockhart. Sure, the man was a wreck; an absolute disaster. But seeing the faces of those he knew made it far too real. He still wasn't used to the idea, even after all these years... He still felt like he was in a prolonged abyss; a nightmare.

He shook his head, shaking himself out of his thoughtful trance. He looked to see Blaize fighting against the larger Death Eater and to his horror, Longbottom taking on the other one. This meant Granger was there; in the danger zone.

His instinct would've been to pull her away and keep her safe, along with all the Order members, who had somehow become his companions, but the reality of war wasn't happy endings. He had to stay close to reality, the thing he had advised Granger to do so many times before.

He snapped his eyes up to the battle. Neville was dueling a Death Eater that even through the mask, Draco recognized as Dolohov. He shuddered. Dolohov never meant good things. He was almost as bad as Draco's deceased aunt, Bellatrix LeStrange. He ducked down behind one of the overturned tables, which was probably formerly beside someones bed.

"Draco" he heard someone hiss.

He adjusted his gaze to see Granger crouched behind a bed just feet from him. "What is it, Granger?"

"This isn't safe. Don't go out there, no matter what your instincts say".

"Longbottom's out there! What if he needs a backup or is about to be killed? Doesn't that mean I should help -

"The Death Eaters are leaving" she replied in a whisper. "We heard some of them shouting on the way into this room. Dolohov will be gone along with them all soon. I heard them saying that if anyone besides Neville goes out there, Fenrir Greyback's going to attack. It's a trap, Draco".

"But Longbottom -

"Can handle himself" reassured Hermione. "We're trying to keep as many of us as we can safe... And we're bringing a few men and women back with us who were injured. They need treatment and obviously St. Mungo's isn't the place anymore".

He narrowed his eyes. "How do we know that they aren't spies?"

"Draco, do you really think those little children and distressed mothers were spies?" Hermione scoffed. "You're impeccable".

"Well you never know. Nothing's certain anymore".  
She frowned but said nothing, obviously not able to come up with any evidence to counter that statement. It was the truth. There was no point in arguing with such a valid statement.

"Told you I was right" Draco smirked at her silence.

"But -

"No argument, Granger" he mumbled. "I'm always right".

She couldn't help but laugh a muffled laugh, though laughing was dangerous in the current climate. "You are so arrogant".

He shrugged. "I'm a Malfoy, it runs in the family".

There was a loud bang from behind the table and Draco jerked his head up so he could look at what was happening. He knew from the sound that Longbottom needed his help.

"Draco!" Hermione snapped. "You're going to be seen! Get down".

He heard a shout of '_Avada Kedavra' _and figured that there would be no room for

Granger's message (that was surely from Potter). He stood up and began running over to the scene of the duel.

Neville looked like he had been beaten. His lip was split and there was a dark bruise near his temple. He fighting a fierce battle against Dolohov, but when it came to Dolohov, there was no battle fierce enough.

"Oi!" shouted Draco. Dolohov looked directly at him and his face instantly twisted into a

look of loathing. "Happy to see me?"

"You killed your father" snarled Dolohov. "You're as ungrateful as he always said you were. I told him that he didn't go wrong raising you, you were just a bad egg, see".

Draco flicked his wand and uttered '_Stupefy_' under his breath, and looked up to see

Dolohov slouched limply against a wall, motionless.

"Thanks, mate" Neville grinned and then winced. His split lip had torn more from his smile. "I might not be standing here if you hadn't -

But before Neville could finish what he was saying, a wall on the far side of the room blasted open to show a snarling Fenrir Greyback. "Well, well, well" Greyback said, baring his yellow, pointed teeth. "I thought you might be here, little Malfoy. And Longbottom, you're still alive? I would've never thought someone so dreadful at magic would be here".

Draco rolled his eyes. "Well instead of talking me to death, you should fight me, coward".

"_Crucio_" cried Fenrir, flinging the curse at Neville, who was now on the ground, writhing in pain.

"_Petrificus Totalus_" mumbled Draco. Fenrir blocked the spell with a shield, as Draco had expected, but at least his companion was safe now. That was his plan. He wondered when he had become selfless.

Fenrir cackled nastily. "Ah yes, father told me _all _about you. You've decided to fight with the Order, haven't you?"

"Still afraid to fight me, are you?" Draco replied coolly.

"Why don't you do something, then".

"Oh, I will" he said darkly. "_Sectumsempra_".

And then it was done. Fenrir Greyback was twitching on the ground unpleasantly, blood spurting from his burly chest. Draco grinned smugly.

"Let's get back" Neville said as he pulled himself up, though he was still panting. And a moment prior to when Draco gave his stiff nod, they had returned.

::::::::::::::

Draco sat on the picnic table at the edge of the river at camp, gazing out at the water in thought about the battle the evening prior. He wanted to pick up a stone and skip it, like he used to do as a child, but figured that doing something so simple and insignificant was foolish and naive. He could hear the crickets chirping in the background, and envied them for still being able to lead out their normal lives. They weren't in war, after all.

He heard footsteps but didn't have to turn his head to know who it was. "You are a complete idiot, you know" said the shaky voice of Hermione Granger.

He shrugged, still not turning to face her. "I did the right thing".

"You walked into a trap" she argued, her voice growing more shaky and unsteady with every word. "You could've killed so many of us. I told you".

"Everything we do could kill so many of us" he sighed. "Everything. Tying our shoes could. I don't even know if anything's safe anymore".

"Don't you dare try to distract me from the topic at hand with your philosophical bullshit, Malfoy" she snapped. "Maybe you don't realize it, but you are really _thick _sometimes" .

"And you have tunnel vision, Granger".

She raised her eyebrows, though he couldn't see. "Excuse me?"

"You see things your way. You always have to plan _everything. _Sometimes, particularly in war, things can't be planned ahead of time. Spontaneity is key in some situations".

"Why do you have to be so damn intelligent all the time".

He caulked his head so he could grin at her. "I thought I was thick".

She tried not to let his stupid, yet so _attractive _grin get to her. "You are. You really are. You disobeyed my orders... Which were the orders Harry _told _me to give".

"I wanted to act on my own accord".

"You can't always do what you _want, _Malfoy".

"Hmm" he hummed. "I'm not Draco anymore? Pity. I rather liked it".

"No, you're not because you've repeatedly showed me how fucking selfish you are" she snapped. "You don't have the capacity to think of everyone else".

"I was thinking of Longbottom when I -

"Neville could've handled himself! The world doesn't revolve around you!"

"Really?" the blond drawled, rolling his eyes. "I never noticed that. I mean obviously I think that this whole war revolves around me".

"I hate you" she sighed in frustration. "I really do hate you sometimes. Most of the time, actually. I don't know why I ever -

"Snogged me, yeah. I don't want to hear all this, Granger".

"Why?"

"I don't want to argue with you. You're still my silver lining" he murmured. He got up, turning to walk away, but a petite hand on his shoulder stopped him. "What?"

"You're so frustrating... And you're a smooth talker, too" she chuckled. Her face was so close to his that he could feel her eyelashes batting against his skin, and he couldn't help but noticed that her skin glowed in the moonlight. "So fucking frustrating".

"Good" he murmured.

And then their lips met once more. He wasn't sure who had initiated the kiss, but he did know that he wanted to drown in it. She wrapped her arms firmly around his neck, and he lifted her off the ground and wrapped her legs around his waist. They lost themselves in it. It was all they had, after all; the silver lining.

Once it was over and she was back on the ground, she noticed somewhat smugly that his lips were bruised and swollen and that hers were still tingling, and probably just as enlarged as his. She made some effort to regain composure. "But seriously, Draco, never disobey my orders again" she mumbled.

He smirked and bowed. "Your wish is my command".

She gazed at him rather fondly as she walked pass and paused, putting her face near his to say, "Prat".

He was still grinning after she left.

* * *

**Author's Note**

****First kiss, um, or first few kisses. There will be more. This is the longest chapter I've written so far... I rather like it. Review please! xxoo


	8. Uncertainty

**Chapter Eight ~ Uncertainty  
**

"Christmas is coming" Hermione mused one snowy morning in the second week of December. "I wish we could do gifting like the old times".

Ginny nodded and gazed at the fire burning across the room from the couch they were sitting on. "I think we all do. But there can be other kinds of gifts that can be given... Memories, conversations... Things to take our minds off the present climate".

Hermione couldn't help but think of Draco and his oddly affectionate gestures. "I suppose. But you can't wrap up a laugh or a memory and put it under the tree".

The redhead smiled forlornly as she looked to the tree standing in the corner of the room. "I guess that's just what makes it all the more special" she replied.

Luna came into the room with a tray of freshly baked sugar cookies, smiling her usual vacant, dreamy smile. "I don't know why we have to have mistletoe up. Lot's of nargles around. I don't think it's a very pleasant tradition".

Ginny and Hermione exchanged a quick look that clearly said 'there's no point in arguing'. Luna continued. "But I suppose it has it's benefits. Kisses sound great and everything... But I wouldn't know".

Ginny raised her eyebrows. "You've never kissed anyone?"

She shook her head. "Never... I suppose I've always been too fond of being alone to ever try to find someone to have by my side. Who have you two kissed? What's it like?"

"Hermione's kissed Malfoy" Ginny smirked.

"I'm not surprised" said Luna impassively. "I've seen them together... They seem to work quite nicely in a dysfunctional sort of way".

Hermione grinned. "Yeah, we do".

"So what's it like?" asked Luna. "I've been hoping to kiss someone soon... Maybe Neville".

"Neville?" inquired a shocked Ginny in reply. "I didn't know you were interested in Neville! Well, watch out because I'm certain that Parvati has a thing for him. But anyways. Kissing is... it's hard to describe really. It makes me feel warm. It feels right kissing Harry... It's like the way to really express yourself to someone you love".

"Or like" said Hermione quickly. "I don't love Draco... I just like him".

"A lot" added Ginny wish a smug grin. "You light up like a candle when you're around him. But I have a question. How can you like someone you fight with so much?"

"We're... We fit" she admitted quietly.

"You're opposites though, aren't you?" countered Ginny.

"I don't think they are" replied Luna dreamily. "I think they're more alike than we all know. They have a lot in common, if you really think on it".

And Hermione then realized what she hadn't before; maybe they weren't so different anymore. Maybe they really were alike. And maybe they did fit.

::::::::::::::

"You're doing it again" she noted, smiling shyly across the table from him. He liked her smile. It made her autumn colored eyes grow even warmer and crinkle at the corners.  
"What?" asked Draco, looking down at his food and feigning his innocence. He stared at her when she didn't look, simply because he could. He enjoyed looking at her, being around her. It made him feel warm.

It made him feel human. It was easy to forget sometimes, really... That he was human. Perhaps humanity wasn't as complete without the simple pleasures that went along with it. In the midsts of all the chaos, it was hard to find room for insignificant things. But without them, it only reminded the all how significant those little things really are.

"Staring" she answered matter of factly. "You're always staring at me".

"In case you haven't realized it yourself, your eyes have a tendency to roam my way" he said smugly when her cheeks became flushed.

"I have a twitch" she replied tactlessly.

He raised smirked in amusement. "A twitch? I think you should get that checked out you know... Perhaps it was a twitch that made you snog me too".

She scowled. "Perhaps it was. You're irritating".

"I'm glad you think so".

She smiled another genuine smile, causing him to do the same. For some reason, he felt triumphant. He was glad he had made her smile.

"I think you should smile more, Granger. it suits you" murmured Draco. His eyes met hers for a moment before she looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought. He raised a questioning eyebrow.

"I'm just... It's hard to think when I've seen you actually smile. Not that stupid arrogant smirk that's painted on all the time... Smile genuinely".

"For your information, Granger, my smirk isn't stupid" he said in mock offense. "And there's not much to smile about, anyways".

"No" she agreed simply. "There isn't".

He looked at her, obviously considering something. She studied him curiously. "You look at me like that a lot" he pointed out.

She blushed. "Like what?"

"Like I'm a potions experiment" he chuckled. "It's kind of amusing. But Granger... You know I'm here if to need to talk, right?"

She opened her mouth but no words seem to escape it, perhaps it was because she failed to find them at all. After a moment, she composed herself. "Thank you, Draco" she said softly. "That - that means a lot. And it goes likewise... If you ever decide to stop being so bloody proud and show your sensitive side".

He shook his head and grinned. "Never, Granger. Not in a thousand years".

She laughed. "Figured as much".

::::::::::::::

Christmas drew closer and Hermione began to get a dreadful feeling that last year was going to repeat itself. But who would it be to go this time?

Harry? She cringed at the thought of it. The Boy Who Lived... Dead. It would symbolize that all hope had been lost. Ginny? She would have no girls to talk to about girl things (and Malfoy), and the redhead was as good as a sister. But her heart dropped the most on one particular person... Draco.

She would have no chance of even having the opportunity to explore the spark they had. She wouldn't be able to have debates. She wouldn't have someone to keep her laughing, smiling... She wouldn't have anyone to hold on to. She wouldn't have him.

Hermione was a mainly happy person. She mostly enjoyed life... Or enjoyed it as much as anyone who was fighting a war could. But she silently wished that she would be the next one to join the fallen; only so no more friends, no more loved ones would.

Her trance was broken by a familiar drawl. "Knut for your thoughts?"

She adjusted her line of vision to see Draco, as she expected. "There's too many" she said quietly. "I'm probably going to explode if I try to explain them all".

He looked at her sympathetically with those familiar, yet still breathtaking grey eyes. She wondered if he knew the effect he had on her. He took a seat lazily beside her on the sofa and put a reassuring hand on her knee. She shivered at his touch, the way she always did. There was something about the way he touched her... It was like he was handling a fragile canary.

"You know I'm here to listen" he murmured. "I told you so".

She sighed sadly. "I hate that I don't know who's going to be next. I hate that I don't know when or where the next kill is going to happen, or how many or going to die, or if I'm going to die. I hate knowing that every minute, hour, day, could be my last. I hate not knowing if it's the last time I'm going to get to converse with my loved ones".

"In other words, you hate the uncertainty of reality" he nodded solemnly. "We all feel that way. I feel that way every day when I... nevermind".

He wanted to confess that he worried about Granger every waking moment and worried that they'd never be able to blossom or to grow the way he wanted them to. He spent most of his time alone dreading the fact that she could be the next one killed.

She didn't need him to say it for her to know what he was talking about. "I feel the same way" she admitted.

"Can I ask you a question, Granger?" he inquired, meeting her gaze. She noted that his gaze softened when he looked at her. She granted him a nod. "What would you - what would you feel like if I died?"

The question caught her off guard. She'd never really dwelled heavily on the matter, but she knew that the weight his death would have on her would be near unbearable. "It would feel... sad" she answered childishly.

"Funny" he muttered, though their was no humor.

She looked at him curiously. "What do you mean, funny? If it was because I used the mediocre word 'sad' and it isn't up to my usual par then -

He shook his head. "No, not that. It's just funny because no one else in this camp would give a rat's ass if I died".

"Harry and Neville would" she argued, looking at him pitifully.

He glared at her. He loathed pity; Despised it perhaps more than he even despised his father. "That makes what... An eighth of the people here? Three out of twenty-something?"

"Twenty-four without Ron" she supplied.

"So yes... An eighth".

"How would you feel if I died?" she echoed his sentiment from earlier.

He furrowed his brow, obviously not expecting the question at all. Well, the answer was obvious. Granger was his only joy. Granger was the only silver lining he had and the only one he would surely ever have as long as the damned war went on. Would he even go on? He was unsure. But he wouldn't express that out loud, for that showed just how attached to her he really was; far too attached. "Terrible" he answered honestly. "You have more than me for a silver lining but for me... Whatever the hell this is is my only outlet".

She looked at him fondly, but his expression did not change. He looked serious and deep in thought. "What is it?" she questioned.

"We haven't snogged in almost ten days... We've been too busy discussing our philosophical bullshit, of course" he replied.

She laughed, causing him to smile. He loved her laugh. He loved the way she seemed to glow every time she smiled, or laughed, or did anything, really. "There hasn't been a good moment for it".

"Sometimes there doesn't have to be a good moment" he blurted out as quickly as he could without stuttering before smashing their mouths together.

He would never get over the electricity their was when they kissed, or did anything. It brought him to life. The kiss was gentle this time, which was how they all usually started. Innocent, and sweet... like Granger. But somewhere along the way they always became rough and passionate... like him.

She became nervous when he began trailing sloppy and unfocused kisses down the side of her neck, but all trace of nerves went away when he caught her earlobe in his teeth, earning him a timid and unintentional moan that slipped past her lips. She wasn't used to anything sexual in nature at the slightest. She was a virgin, and she had never gone any farther than snogging anyone. She had never moaned at anything. But then again, she had never kissed Draco Malfoy either and now, there they were.

"Hmm" she mused. "I don't think we clash horribly in every way, you know".

"I think I agree with you" he mumbled against her collarbone, which he was currently nibbling on. "I think that what we lack is made up for here".

And they stayed that way, kissing on the sofa until they became tired and fell asleep intertwined without the slightest realization.

::::::::::::::

Waking up in Draco's arms was the last thing Hermione expected, but she then realized that in war nothing was to be expected. That had been proven the week before when George Weasley had began dating Luna Lovegood. The two seemed to clash horribly, like them, but at the same time they worked. In a way, the two pairings had a lot in common.

"I've never woken up with someone like this" she mused. "It's kind of awkward, actually". She laughed nervously, unsure of what else to say or do. Would he expect her to get up? Would he expect her to stay?

He laughed, and she felt the rumble of his chest against her back. "Granger, it was an accident that we fell asleep. Don't make it more of a big deal than it needs to be".

She blushed. "Well it makes me uncomfortable".

"Get up then" he suggested. "And make me some black coffee while you're at it. I need to wake up today. Don't we have duty by the river or something?"

"Yeah" she nodded. "We do".

She silently thanked whoever had organized todays duties for pairing them together. She was beginning to enjoy his company more than she should, especially with the way they clashed at times. Times that she would soon see when they did duty.

::::::::::::::

Towards the end of their night of guard duty, their fingertips were numb and their shoes were soaked and moist; the scarves around their necks were wet as well, causing the piece of fabric to do the opposite of its job of making them warmer. They were hungry, and exhausted. It was around three o'clock in the morning, but it could have been a little earlier, or a little later... They did not know.

There was a small crunching of twigs from behind them, and Hermione's drooping head snapped up. "Did you hear that?" she whispered to Draco, who was sitting next to her.

He was tapping the snow covered picnic table in a bored manner. "Granger, you're paranoid. That wasn't anything. We haven't gotten anything all night. Shouldn't you just be happy with that?"

"But it could be something" she argued. "It could've been a Death Eater".

Draco rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm sure" he drawled sarcastically before glowering at her. "If it was one of them, we'd be dead by now".

"You don't know that... You don't know everything, you know" she huffed.

"Neither do you" he snapped harshly.

"I'm aware, thanks Malfoy" she spat, crossing her arms and looking out to the river, which was barely visible through the thick snow coming down. "I was just pointing out that it could be someone... But we would never find out because you're refusing to move your arse up. I'm never going to let Harry make me work with you again".

He was growing angry... Very angry indeed. "You never call me by my last name anymore, even when you get angry".

"Well I guess I do, Malfoy, because I just did".

He snorted. "So we're back to old times then? Fantastic. Bloody brilliant. You're so easily irritated".

"Why does it bother you so much if I say your last name? I used to call you by your last name all the time" she narrowed her eyes. "What difference does it make?"

"That was before we..." he trailed off, feeling awkward saying it out loud.

"Well, Dra -

"Ha, I win" he smirked. "You called me Draco".

She raised an eyebrow, still ticked off. "That doesn't mean you don't irritate me. You know what, stop provoking me. This isn't helping at all -

"Granger just because we're in a war doesn't mean you have to be such a bitch all the time -

"I think what I have to go through on a day to day basis gives me a perfectly acceptable reason to be such a bitch all time, for your info-

He laughed coldly. "Everyone else has to go through the same thing. I'm not trying to underwhelm your pain, but a lot of us have had worse. Weaslette lost two of her brothers, her mother and her father. Potter's lost about everyone he touches. And me... Well, I've had to kill my own father because of the man he was".

"You didn't have to kill him".

"Shut up, Granger" he roared, beginning to breathe heavily and rising to his feet. "You have no idea how much he's done to me throughout my life".

"But he's still -

"Don't you dare tell me he's still my father. If he was a father at all he wouldn't have killed my mother. I don't want to argue morales with you, Granger. There's no room for them anymore".

"But what about law?" she objected.

"There is no law anymore" he spat bitterly, leaning up against a tree and looking out at the partially frozen over water. "There's only life and death now".

"But there are other spells beside the killing curse you could've -

"Maybe you wouldn't understand, Granger" he muttered. "But war brings out the worst in everyone. Perhaps it's because the worst in you is about the ferocity of a kitten -

"Don't act like you know anything about me".

"I know enough" he replied simply. But did he? He was unsure. "You like a teaspoon of milk in your coffee and you eat toast with butter for breakfast everyday. You have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Ginny Weasley is your closest friend. You bottle everything up, too... And you have a tendency to be cynical of every event that takes place".

Her gaze softened. He did know a lot about her, really... for the time he'd actually spent with her. "There's still a lot you don't know" she objected, though her tone was much less harsh. "You don't know what happened to my parents".

"Killed?"

She released a shaky breath and willed herself not to tear up. "I Obliviated them myself. They couldn't be in danger like everyone else... They just couldn't".

"But wouldn't they still be in danger because they know you?"

"That's the thing, see" she swallowed a sob. Years had gone by and she still couldn't talk about her parents. "They don't know me anymore".

He bit his lip, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry, Granger".

"Would it kill you to call me by my first name?" she rolled her eyes. "I've never heard you call me by it... Beside when you used my full name".

He shrugged. "I know you as Granger because you were Granger at Hogwarts".

"Yes, but I don't know you as a Death Eater because you were a Death Eater at Hogwarts" she pointed out. She only realized that the comment was insensitive after she had said it. "I'm -

"Don't you dare apologize to me" he muttered bitterly. "You have every right to say that because it was true. I was a Death Eater at Hogwarts. A shit one, I know... But still a Death Eater".

She studied him curiously. "It's weird, isn't it? How our arguments always end up being intellectual conversations".

"I guess we can't bicker all the time".

"I'm glad we can't" she admitted. "I mean... Don't let this get to your head, Draco but I think you're a good man".

He chuckled as though he had never heard anything funnier in his twenty-one years of life. "Granger, you don't have to lie to me, you know. Be as blunt as you like".

She frowned. "You always think lowly of yourself".

He raised his eyebrows. "I thought I was arrogant. You have told me that more than any other person on this planet".

She shook her head. "You only act that way. I've been beginning to see that deep down, you hate yourself. Why is that?"

"I'm tainted" he answered after a long silence. "I'm unclean. I've killed, tortured... Those things both make me a bad person; And it doesn't help that I'm a total ass either".

Hermione sighed. "Well it's not possible to be sure of anything anymore... Who we are, how we feel, anything of the sort... I'm not sure how to be happy anymore, either actually. I'm not sure how to smile".

He shook his head. "I think we all forgot how to be happy. I think I lost that ability in what, my fifth year? Potter lost it sooner, though".

"Harry lost it in fourth year" she said quietly with a nod. "It's sad, really... He had enough to deal with with the Triwizard Tournament but with all the Voldemort nonsense it would be enough to make anyone forget how to be happy".

Their heads snapped to the side when they heard a rustling in the trees and the snap of someone apparating away once they noticed. "Granger, I think you might have been right. I have an odd feeling that someone was watching us".

She swallowed the lump in her throat at those words and nodded. And now there would just be more they didn't know; Uncertainty.

* * *

**Author's Note**

****Thanks for reading! xoxo


	9. The Other Turncoat

**Chapter Nine ~ The Other Turncoat  
**

As time passed, signs became clearer and clearer that somebody was giving the other side information. The problem was, they didn't know who it is. Everyone was accusatory of each other, but perhaps the person who got the most bullshit was Draco.

He had told his fellow Order members to 'fuck off' and that he would've dropped dead if he had broken his Vow to Potter, but regardless of the evidence they had, he was still the outcast. He was sure that whoever the traitor was felt the same way in the Death Eaters that he did here. Even Granger didn't trust him anymore.

Sure, she said she did. She said she still believed in him just as much, that she still thought he was a good person. He wished she meant it... But he wasn't quite sure that her declaration that she thought he was a good man was true in the first place.

He wished that they all could see it. He wasn't a perfect man, or a fucking archangel like Potter, but he wasn't bad, either. Like he had told Granger, he was grey. Neither light nor dark; a little bit of both. But his white was starting to outweigh his black.

He missed Granger. He missed everything about her. Her smiles, her witty comments, even her superior attitude. Something was missing from his life now that she wasn't there. There was a hole where she should've been.

The silver lining was gone. Now all he was left with was the massive black hole and the weight it forced him to carry. He wondered why the cross he had to carry was so much bigger than the others'.

:::::::::::::::::

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Draco pounded determinedly on Hermione's door, set on getting her to open it. "Granger I know you're in there... We need to talk!"

She groaned internally, determined not to groan externally the way she wanted to so that Draco wouldn't be able to tell she was in there.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"I know you think I'm the traitor but if you'd hear me out then... well, it would be nice to have someone to talk to".

Ah, there was that begging again. He was becoming nothing more than the average softie. He looked up to the ceiling to see mistletoe. _Perfect,_ he thought, _Remind me of what I don't have. _

She felt a flash of pity for Malfoy, but then she remembered that he could easily be the spy. After all, they were out when the unknown person was watching them.

"Could you please open the bloody door, Granger?" he asked harshly, raising his voice. "I've been shunned all week and it would be great if someone would actually talk to me. There's five days until Christmas and I'm being treated like I don't exist".

Finally she gave in, coming out of her room and walking into the kitchen. "What do you want?" she questioned a little too sharply. "It's half past midnight".

It was quite hard for him to ignore the fact that she was wearing only a bathrobe... "Like you were sleeping. You're just as bad of an insomniac as I am. Your brain is always whirring".

She raised an eyebrow. "Tea?"

He shook his head. "No. I prefer firewhiskey". He summoned a large bottle of it with a lazy flick of his wand and poured himself a glass, downing it in one sip.

She frowned. "Why do you drink so much?"

"Why do you care?" he replied.

"It's - it's not good to drown out the pain, you know. It hits you harder when it comes back that way; And alcohol's bad for you, too".

"You know what else is bad for me?" he drawled, pouring himself another glass. "War, being untrusted by everyone, and not having any parents. Hell, I almost hope that the alcohol kills me. It would make things a whole lot easier".

"Don't talk like that" she pleaded him, her eyes softening. "Please, Draco. You're - you're worth a lot to me".

He laughed bitterly, swallowing his whole third glass of whiskey. He was beginning to feel a little more numb... But that was okay. That was what he wanted. "Granger, if I really meant that much to you you would be defending me".

"I've tried" she confessed. "But so many of them told me not to talk to you and -

"You just listened" he spat. "What happened to being a Gryffindor? You're being a coward. No, I don't mean that much. If they told me to stop communicating with you I would tell them to shove it".

"Well you're being an ass!" she retorted. "Why did you bring me out here to talk if you're just going to yell at me? You could have at least had the courtesy to warn me that you were going to be rude".

"You could have had the courtesy to tell me when I snogged you that you were going to be so easily persuaded by other people's fucking views".

She grimaced, the truth of his words sinking into her. But really, she had begun to believe he was the traitor. But the hurt in his voice when he spoke to her... It made her remember just how human; just how redeemed he was. "What have you pointed out about me over and over again?"

"You overthink things" he drawled coolly.

"Yes, I do overthink things" she murmured, meeting his grey gaze. She was let down that instead of being warm because of her it was cold and hurt because of her. "I over think how much butter I put on my toast, Draco. Of course I'm going to overthink a relationship".

He raised his eyebrows, taken aback. "Relationship?"

"Arrangement" she corrected, decided to repeat it once more. "Arrangement".

She thought this would be enough to persuade him, to remove his hurt and toss it aside. But it wasn't. He was still looking at her just as coldly, just as enraged, as he was before. "I would've thought you of all the people here would be the one that gave anyone a chance, stood up for everyone. I still remember that spew thing -

"It's S.P.E.W!" she interjected.

"What the fuck ever" he snarled. "I would've thought you would've actually stayed. But it's me, so I guess in the end no one stays! Hell, my friends didn't, my aunt didn't, my house elf didn't, my mother didn't, my father didn't, my life didn't... Nothing ever stays. I don't know why I thought differently with you. I would have deemed you as loyal".

He hated feeling this vulnerable, this hurt. All the emotions he had been holding back, drowning for months were all overflowing at once, like a tsunami. He silently cursed Granger for being right about drowning your pain in alcohol. He buried his face in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. His elbows were uncomfortable from pressing into his knees. He was as close to a fetal position as he'd ever come.

"Draco! I am staying! I wouldn't be here talking to you -

"Stop, Granger. God don't you fucking see it by now? You'd be better off without me in your life. I'm an inconvenience; a problem" he choked back a sob, but a silent part of it still managed to find it's way out. "Anyone who gets close to me gets hurt. I mean, bloody hell look where my fucking mother ended up. Killed. All because I failed. And don't get me started on my father! I killed him like the damn twisted person I am".

"You're a good man I've -

"You wouldn't be doubting me if you really thought that" he shouted. "For the love of God. Just tell me where we stand and be honest with me. I surely deserve that, at the least".

She sighed. "Listen, Draco. I would be lying if I said I've never doubted you but... I trust you. I was just questioning myself... And truthfully, I didn't want to get too close to you. That's why I was avoiding you in the first place".

"That isn't telling me where we stand. Are we still the silver lining?"

"That's up to you to decide. After all, I'm the one who made things go to shit in the first place" she mumbled.

He took a step closer to her, but restrained himself from going farther when her hands covered her breasts clumsily, though they were barely showing any cleavage at all through the robe. "

You're still my silver lining, if I'm still yours".

"Yours" she replied with a weak smile.

He nodded stiffly and took another step forward just to place an innocent kiss on her forehead. "Goodnight, Granger".

She put her hand to her forehead after he had left, sighing because she knew that someday, this would all be over. The same thing everyone else would be. Everything, it seemed, except for the war.

::::::::::::::

"Do you hate me too, Potter?" asked Draco over a game of war. They played war in cards too now. It had already taken over their life anyways. It was almost amuse it to compare war to a simple game of cards. There were no lives on the line in that.

"No" replied Harry simply, looking down at the card he had put down and frowning. Draco had one the past five games and so far, was winning this one as well. "No, I don't hate you. I'm not even wary, honestly. Why would you think that?"

"Granger said that everyone was telling her to stop interacting with me" muttered the blonde bitterly. "I still haven't proven myself, apparently. Hopefully I'll be able to in the next three days... I don't want to be lonely on Christmas. If the gods are kind, I'll be granted a pack of cigarettes and a firewhiskey".

"Not everyone. Mainly just the people that haven't talked to you... Blaize, Luna, Neville and I were all speaking on your behalf... Hermione was too," the dark haired wizard informed. "And you know, Malfoy, I think that Hermione cares about you too much to leave you on your own on Christmas".

He raised a platinum eyebrow. "Why would she give a shit about me?"

"A lot of people here do" Harry sighed. "I just don't think they show it very much. They all think you've changed a lot".

"I have" he shrugged. "But on a different topic, do you have any idea who the actual traitor might be? No one seems to have a clue, especially if they're blaming me".

Harry shook his head. "I'm just as unsure as everyone else. I just couldn't see anyone here doing that. Not a soul".

"Zabini? He was in the Death Eaters with me in the Battle of Hogwarts".

"He, like you, took the Unforgivable Vow and had to take the Veritaserum test that we put all ex Death Eaters through" said the Chosen One. "It's not possible for him to break the Order's trust. I'm more wary of the people that seem to be friends than the one that seem to be foes".

Draco nodded. "I agree with that theory. But which noble Gryffindor would do such a cowardly, traitorous thing? I mean after all, perfect Gryffindors would never betray anyone... Or so the legend goes".

"Wormtail was a Gryffindor. I trust you remember him?"

Draco's expression became incredulous. "That coward? A Gryffindor?"

"Well, you have to remember that the Sorting Hat takes your choice into account" explained Harry. "If you want to be in a house, it might put you there even if you lack some of the qualities".

"The way that Crabbe and Goyle lack brains" Draco smirked.

"I was almost a Slytherin, you know" Potter admitted. "That would've been odd, wouldn't it? I would've been so out of place".

"Not really, Potter. You'd make a good Slytherin".

"Not that you would've in your school days, but you'd make a good Gryffindor".

Draco wondered if he would be in this position now if he had been a Gryffindor. Would he still be untrusted? Would he still have had to kill his father? Would he still have the Dark Mark permanently etched into his forearm? It was odd, really, to think about how much one moment can affect everything.

::::::::::::::

Draco saved Hermione's life for the second time in an ambush just outside their camp. It was just showing how much closer they were getting to finding their exact location... One of them had actually known. Someone had broken the Fidelius Charm by means of Side Along Apparition. And yet, they were no closer to finding the culprit than they were to winning the war.  
It was the day before Christmas Eve, or as Lovegood called it 'Christmas Eve Eve', and it was snowing harder than ever. The burning in Draco's Dark Mark told him that there was an ambush, somewhere, and soon enough after he had pressed it he knew exactly where it was.

Him and Granger were assigned to this ambush, just the two of them. It was quite an easy battle to participate in when it came down to it. All the members on the other side of it were amateurs, undoubtedly knew recruits. They could barely manage to cast hexes of the O.W.L. level, let alone have the nerve to think fast in battle.  
But it was a lot harder than it would've been if it wasn't a blizzard out. It was damned near impossible to see with the thick cloud of snow obscuring their vision, and the frozen lake they were fighting over was quite slippery, making it hard to be as agile as they usually were. Agility was everything, when it came down to it. You could be the best spell caster, or have the most nerve, but yet if you were not agile in battle, there was no way you would make it.

He was somewhat distracted. Partially from the nasty cut he'd gotten from a hex on his shoulder, partially because of the fact he couldn't feel the fingers on his wand hand, and partially because every waking moment he spent looking over his shoulder to make sure that Granger was safe.

He wondered how he hadn't noticed the way she moved in battle. She was so graceful that it almost looked effortless... It looked entirely effortless until you looked to her eyes. Eyes always told the story. And most eyes of soldiers showed the same numb, mechanical look they all wore in battle.

"Draco would you pay attention?" shouted Hermione over the roaring of the wind.

He pulled himself up from the ice and dusted the snow off his coat, turning his eyes to the young female Death Eater in front of him. "Daphne Greengrass, isn't it?" he questioned.

She nodded. "And you're Draco Malfoy. But that's neither here nor there".

She pulled out her wand, but she was too slow for his well trained and tested reflexes. 'Stupefy', he performed nonverbally. She collapsed onto the ice and he shook his head, wondering if she was forced by her parents, too. Every now and then, he saw a scared, young Death Eater that resembled his seventeen-year-old self; and that was the only time he didn't kill or injure. He knew that eventually, they would make the right choice like him.

It was silent for a few moments, quite too silent. But the silence was quickly broken by a shrill scream that echoed and lingered in the air. A scream he was sure belonged to Granger. Shit. Shit .Shit. Shit.

He ran and sure enough, she was twitching on the ground at the hand of Macnair. "Haven't changed much, have you?" asked Draco coldly, pointing his wand at his old family friend. "But I have to say, torture isn't your style. You almost always killed quickly just to get it over with".

"They all do that now. I like to be a little different" said the Death Eater smoothly. "But yes, I have been well informed on your relationship with this Mudblood".

Draco winced. "The traitor informed you that well, did they?"

"The funny thing is, Draco, is that you're the next target on our list... Even right before Chosen Potter himself!"

"So you're going to kill me, are you?" he rolled his eyes. "Why don't you get it over with, then instead of talking me to death".

"Not now. The Mudblood is the only life we'll be taking today".  
He pressed his wand to Macnairs throat. "Not on my guard. I'm sorry to inform you that you won't be taking any innocent lives today".

But a moment later, his wand flew out of his hand and landed uselessly five feet behind him. He had gotten distracted, but Macnair hadn't. "Potter's favorite spell. Quite useful" said Macnair with an ugly smirk.

Draco was near as frozen as the lake below him. He was unsure of what to even do in this situation, the same situation he dreaded more than any other.

"Perhaps I'll kill her the same way you killed Fenrir" snarled Macnair. Draco planted his feet at the ready. "Sectumsempra".

And then everything went scarlet, including the snow around him and a hazy fog surrounded his head. That was the last that he remembered.

::::::::::::::

When Draco finally managed to awaken, it was seven o'clock in the morning on Christmas Eve. He was laying in a soft bed, surely in the infirmary tent, and there was a small candle it on the nightstand beside his bed. There was also a visitor on the stool across from him, but it wasn't whom he expected.

"It's about time you woke up" said Ginny Weasley, grinning. "Hermione hasn't stopped bugging me about you, she kept wanting me to make sure you were okay".

He rubbed his eyes. "Well, am I?"

The redhead nodded. "You'll live. So will she, thanks to you. You're going to have scars all across your torso, though".

Draco frowned. "Scars are eyesores".

The Weaslette rolled her eyes. "Malfoy, you're lucky you escaped alive, and yet you're complaining about scars. I will never understand your priorities".

"How is Granger?" he asked abruptly, meeting her brown eyes. He noted that they weren't as light as Hermione's, or as beautiful. "What happened to her?"

"She fought her way out" was Ginny's simple answer. "She didn't manage to kill him, but well, you know how Hermione is about killing... She's only killed once and she swears she never will again. He got her pretty bad with the Cruciatus, though, so she's been on bedrest for a few days. She's sleeping right now".

"Can I see her?" he asked, trying to hide the enthusiasm in his voice. "I want to speak with her".

Ginny sighed. "I suppose. Neville will have my head for waking her up, he wants her to get as much rest as possible so she's recovered for tomorrow, but you're an exception so I'm waking her up".

He heard the Weaslette's footsteps across the room and then out of the flap of the tent, and then he heard another set of graceful and dainty footsteps, footsteps that surely were from Hermione Granger. And sure enough, her petite frame soon stood in the doorway.

She simply stared at him for a moment, taking in his features before breaking into a wide grin and running to his bed and wrapping her arms around his neck awkwardly and kissing him. He found it to be a great 'thank you' gift, about as great as 'thank you' gifts came. She wasn't as timid in her ministrations as usual, either. It was like she was growing used to him. She was starting to accept the spark they had. She actually gathered the courage to bite at his neck, something she'd never done to anyone, and was quite proud of herself when she even earned a grunt.

"Granger, if you continue to kiss me like that, I guarantee you that your clothes will end up on the floor" he growled. She smirked and pulled herself away, and he tried desperately to forget about his arousal and focus on the matters at hand. "Anyways, don't even thank me for saving your life. Any decent human being would've done that".

She nodded in agreement. "I agree on that, but not every decent human being would've taken the curse themselves".

He had never really taken this matter into consideration, but then again he realized he had been unconscious and hadn't yet had the opportunity. Really, it just frightened him. It showed him how devoted to Granger he really was.

"Correction" he murmured. "Any decent human being who cared".

She bit her lip, looking down at the ground for a moment. "Who would've given us away like that?"

"Nobody knows, do they?" he sighed. "I wish I could figure it out".

"He or she is like the opposite of you... The other turncoat did the opposite thing of you. Switched from the right side to the wrong side while you -

"Switched from the wrong side to the right side, yeah" he finished.

Their eyes met again, brown to grey before Hermione smiled. "You really redeemed yourself, you know. No one can even other doubting you anymore".

He grinned. "About time. I just wish I didn't have to shed blood to prove it".

"That would've been preferable, yes" she laughed.

He kept a couple of things silent from this encounter.

One of them was the extent he really did care about Granger. He cared about her more than words could explain, and he wasn't going to tried... Plus some things were better left unsaid. This was one of them. And though he didn't know it, she already knew; and despite the fact it was a hypothesis yet to be proven by oral words, Hermione thought actions spoke louder than words. And despite the fact that she had never heard it said, it was her favorite knowledge out of her entire mind.

The second was the fact that he would do it all over again. He would do anything for Granger, really. Anything but tell her what she didn't want to hear. And the third fact was one that fell into that category;

He thought he knew exactly who the turncoat was

* * *

**Author's Note**

Hope this was good. Thanks for reading loves. xo


	10. Coffee & Cigarettes

**Chapter Ten ~ Coffee & Cigarettes  
**

There was none of the excitement Hermione was used to on Christmas morning. There was no laughter, no joy. None at all for they awoke to the lifeless body of Seamus Finnegan. It was a horrible realization, that not even Christmas could be a happy time. Christmas was supposed to be about family, love... Unfortunately, there was barely anything left of either of the two in the Order of the Phoenix on that day.

"I'm going to kill whoever the traitor is once they're found out" snarled Ginny.

Hermione bit her lip. "There won't be a need for anymore death. Isn't there already too much of that?"

Draco refused to make his thoughts obvious, though he knew exactly who it was. Legilimency only proved his theory even further. "I have a theory" he admitted. Many pairs of eyes shot to him. "But I'm not going to tell any of you except for Granger and Potter".

"I think we all have a right to know" snapped Dean Thomas. "Not just your little favorites. I get it, you've replaced Ron in the Golden Trio. But we still have a right to know".

"Everyone needs to be caught off guard with my strategy, alright?" Draco questioned a little more harshly than necessary. "I need to take the culprit by surprise. Now, if you'd excuse me, I have to go talk to them in private".

As soon as they'd taken a seat at a table in the other room and cast a protective charm so they would not be overheard, Hermione spoke. "Who do you think it is, Draco?"

"Think?" he snorted. "No. I know who it is".

"Who?" asked a puzzled Harry, raising his eyebrows. "And how do you know for sure?"

"I think you're forgetting" drawled Draco. "That I'm an Occlumens. To be an Occlumens, you also have to know the theory of how the penetrating -

"Legilimency" said Hermione simply. "It's simple, it's brilliant. So you saw it?"

He nodded stiffly. "With my own eyes. Seems to me that our dear friend Cho Chang isn't so dear after all".

"Shouldn't we just throw her out?" blurted Harry tactlessly.

Draco laughed. "Potter, we can't just throw her out. The Death Eaters have yet to know that I'm a Legilimens, or an Occlumens. The only three who knew that were Snape and Bellatrix. Snape was conveniently an Order member, and Bellatrix was killed, so neither of them blabbed".

"But why did Cho kill Seamus?" mumbled Hermione. "It makes no sense... They've been friends since they were welcomed into the Order".

"Death Eaters have no friends" stated Draco simply. "In Order to build a friendship, you need honesty, kindness and loyalty. A Death Eater has none of those traits, and never will possess those traits".

"You were a Death Eater and you have those traits, Draco" murmured Hermione. "You're just looking for the worst in people".

He snorted. "Yeah and you're looking for the best! You can't look for the best in the other side, Granger! It makes them seem human".

"Cho is human. I saw her at school every day and she had so many friends... She always looked so alive-

"And she changed" said Draco.

Harry nodded. "Yes, she has. But that doesn't explain why she did it -

"And that's where my strategy comes in" Draco explained. "Coffee and cigarettes. I could try to get close to her over the two and feed her false information, eventually slipping some Veritaserum into her drink".

::::::::::::::

Hermione coughed in the smoky air surrounding Draco. Though she was in the open air, the putrid taste still filled her mouth, and somehow her nose. He raised his eyebrows. "Granger, I'm assuming you've never smoked, then? It's a Muggle thing, I'd assume you would have. But then again, you're practically the Virgin Mary herself -

"I'm surprised you smoke. It's after all as you said" she paused, "A 'Muggle thing'. And it's not very attractive either, by the way".

He raised his eyebrows, looking amused. "Everything I do is attractive. Surely you've figured that out by now?"

"Yes but your arrogance isn't" she rolled her brown eyes.

He inhaled another hit of tobacco and exhaled slowly, savoring the calm that ran through his body as he did so. "I thought we already went over the matter of my arrogance. I'm not arrogant at all".

"You are sometimes".

"I am when I don't have time to think about all the shit I've done" he said, inhaling again. "Anyone as fucked up as I am has to put up a front".

"That's really not healthy, you know" she scolded sternly as he took another hit of the cigarette. "It'll kill you".

He shrugged and grinned, inhaling and exhaling once more before speaking. "Life kills you, Granger" he stated, looking out at the river. It had become habit for them to come here.

"I would never touch one of those awful things... My grandfather got lung cancer from those" she shuddered.

"I'd personally rather die than live at the moment. There's too much to die for and not enough to live for. What are your reasons to live? No doubt they outnumber mine, but go ahead and list them. I'm up for some philosophical bullshit".

She smirked. "Is this how you always spend Christmas? Smoking a cigarette and talking about all the depressing things in life".

He shook his head, looking at her with those silvery eyes that made her melt more and more the longer she looked at them. "Mainly just talking about life. Life just happens to be depressing. Realist, remember?"

"Accio Coffee" said Hermione abruptly, and two glasses of black coffee came soaring towards them and landed on the table next to them. "So this is basically going to be like your little deceive Cho game?"

"Yeah, only better because it's minus the deception" he smiled at her fondly. "I don't think I'd ever be able to deceive someone as intelligent as you, even though I am an Occlumens".

"I don't believe in Legilimency" she stated plainly.

He rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation. "Do you believe in anything, Granger? There's always something morally wrong about everything I do".

"I believe that you're a good person" she said quietly before grinning. "I also believe that I would've kissed you by now but you taste like cigarettes".

He frowned. "So am I never going to get any from you now that you know that I smoke?"

"Not right after you smoke" she corrected. "Once you brush your teeth I will... Smoking ruins your teeth, you know".

"Believe it or not, I care more about getting a temporary calm from all this chaos then my teeth that will probably get hexed out in battle anyways" he explained. She giggled, and he furrowed his brow. "What?"

"I was just remembering the time you hexed my teeth" she laughed harder. "In our fourth year. We were so stupid".

"I was so stupid" he corrected. "You've always been ingenious... Like a female Dumbledore".

"Not really" she argued. "He was much more intelligent than I was and -

"Also about one hundred years older than you" he flashed her her favorite crooked grin. "Don't be so hard on yourself".

"You should talk about being hard on yourself" she pointed out.

He said nothing for a moment, but only took his final hit of the remainder of the cigarette. "I have to be hard on myself. After all, there is nothing to like, really".

She tried to contemplate on how such a beautiful, twisted, yes, but beautiful, human being could despise himself so much. His platinum blonde hair was in constant casual disarray, but yet it suited him so well. He often had a small amount of golden stubble on his chin and cheekbones, and she liked the way it scratched against her when they kissed. His mouth, sweet Merlin his mouth. His mouth could do wonderful and brain damning things to her that she couldn't even begin to explain; not only that, but he had a perfect set of white teeth and pink lips. His skin was a pale ivory, and she was quite sure it wasn't unevenly toned anywhere on his body... Oh, his body. Perfection that was, too. His muscles were well defined, but not overly large. He was quite tall, and his tall, lean, stature suited him quite well.

But that was just the outside of him, the casing to a scarred but lovely soul.

"See something you like?" he asked smugly, causing her to snap out of her momentary trance. "You can't resist me, really... Even after I've just had a cigarette".

"You're wrong".

"I'm right, you're wrong. I love saying that, because I feel this is the only opportunity I'll ever be able to say it" he grinned.

"Prove it".

And prove it he did. His mouth was wherever he could reach; Her neck, her collarbones, her shoulders, her earlobes. He loved the taste of her skin. After many feminine sighs and a long while nibbling on her right collarbone, he met his final target; her mouth. And he had won their bet by a landslide, for she had forgotten the purpose of this experiment in the first place. The usual electricity surged through them that ignited inside him every time he kissed Granger, shivers of pleasure went through her, and dear God he noticed. He loved having that power over her.

"You taste like cigarettes" she complained, though she did not stop kissing him after whining about this, instead she attacked his mouth with enough ferocity to make his lower lip bleed. She had done so before; his lips were easy to toy with; bite, suck, lick...

"And yet you couldn't resist me if you tried" he murmured against her ear. The breath teasing the sensitive nerves caused her to moan softly. He felt himself harden with that moan and knew he was getting himself carried away, so he stopped kissing her and instead of what he wanted to be doing, he contented himself with a cold shower, for that was all he could have... For now.

::::::::::::::

He had instead handed over the job with coffee and cigarettes to Granger, deciding that he couldn't stand Cho Chang long enough to get close to her. Besides, she had advantage; she was much more of a people person than Draco would ever be.

Hermione and Draco had gotten into a habit of coffee and cigarettes themselves, though Hermione never as much as touched a cigarette. She didn't approve of Draco's living habits, really. He drank too much, smoked too much, swore too much, shouted too much and bottled up his emotions too much... But it was how he coped. How could she deny someone she cared about so much their coping mechanisms?

But whenever he broke down, he shut her out. Whenever he broke down, he pushed all her attempts to help away and instead turned to the same old; firewhiskey and cigarettes. She longed to somehow become a coping mechanism, for him to open up to her and trust her completely, but Draco was no open book, nor was he a short one, either. He had many chapters and many new and undiscovered pages to unfold.

"Draco?" she said abruptly the day before New Year's Eve. He grunted in reply, sucking in another tobacco filled breath. "What was your childhood like?"

He snorted. "What childhood, Granger? I think I've told you before that I didn't have one".

"Alright well then, what were your years before becoming a Death Eater like?" she rephrased, biting her lip. She feared he would get angry for asking, or perhaps ignore the question altogether, but he did neither.

"All the same. Yelling, put downs, impossible expectations..." he trailed off, obviously deep in thought. "My mother was loving enough to me. Sure, sometimes she isolated herself, but it was her coping mechanism; her way of getting away from my father".

"But what about your father?" she prodded onward, quite sure she was crossing an invisible line that though not seen, could be felt.

"He pretended to give a shit about me... But most of the time it was yelling and insults thrown at me. Occasionally a punch or a hex or a punishment" he replied, his voice somewhat shaky. "Sometimes he had 'Auntie Bella' come over and help punish me and well... You know dear Bellatrix". His voice was full of contempt and bitterness.

"And your mother?"

"Couldn't do anything about it if she wanted... Or else he would do the same thing. He would yell at her, torture her... But that's the Malfoy family, for you. It's almost shameful to be a Pureblood. They're brutal".

She nodded.

"I don't think I ever apologized to you for how I treated you at school" he began quietly. "And I truly do regret all that".

She nodded again, biting her lip and trying to take it all in, also trying to hold back her question. It came forth anyways. "How do you feel about me, Draco?"

He was caught off guard by the question. How would he begin to describe his feelings for her? They were... "It is... indescribable" he answered softly. "I don't think I could explain it to you if I tried".

"But you don't hate me anymore?"

He shrugged and grinned. "Sometimes" he replied casually. "And how do you feel about me? Do you still think I'm an irritating git?"

"I'll always think that... But I think, well, I think I am developing feelings for you" she confessed, blushing. "And one last thing... Are we still the silver lining? Or are we something more?"

"I don't think either of us want to know the answer to that , Granger" he sighed before extinguishing his cigarette and walking away from the table, leaving her both pleased and puzzled at the same time.

::::::::::::::

Cho Chang was killed New Year's Eve.

New Year's Eve was an echo; an exact repeat of the year before. Hermione could feel it starting the moment she woke up, there was a cloud of death looming, the way there always was before a battle. It was always the same.

The morning started off typical. She drank coffee and ate toast while Draco smoked his morning cigarette, and occasionally drank firewhiskey when he could fool Granger by putting it in a coffee mug. She didn't like him to drink in the morning. She thought it was too early to drink.

"So, Granger" said Draco. "Another shitty year gone by, eh?"

She shrugged. "It's all the same, really. I don't see the difference".

"Same shit, different day" he agreed, nodding. "You've seem to have lost some of that optimism. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing".

"It's both, I guess... In some ways it's good, in others it's bad".

He frowned. "I thought that you'd be happier this way, but you seem almost numb... Like me. I don't want you to be like me".

"Then make me feel something" she whispered.

"How?"

"Kiss me, Draco" she begged quietly, meeting his gaze. "Please".

So he did, pulling her up from the table and pushing her up against the nearest redwood tree. She was completely at his mercy, and that was okay. He had hold of her wrists, which he held up above her head. He speckled her with kisses and nibbles everywhere his mouth could reach without need of his hands, leaving love bites across her skin.

God how he wanted her. He wanted her more than he wanted anyone else, and he knew just as well as she did that it wasn't just physical anymore. He wasn't sure when it had happened, somewhere in between their first kiss and the one that they were currently sharing he had began to feel something, and so had she.

He wondered if he would've done it all over if he had known that he'd get attached if he would've acted on impulse anyways. In all honesty, if's were completely irrelevant to him anymore. He wanted her too much to think of if's. After earning a moan from her, he pulled away. She pouted. "Granger, don't get carried away".

"What if I want to get carried away?"

"If you weren't numb, you would never let yourself get carried away" he reminded her. "You would want to wait things out".

"Yes but I don't give a fuck about if anymore. I'm too damaged for 'if'. I need to act on what's happening. And right now, I want to let you take this wherever you want" she said firmly.

"I refuse to hurt you. And that's my final word".

In a sense, he also didn't want to hurt himself. He knew sex with Hermione would change everything. He was already hopelessly loyal to her and with that as a factor? It wouldn't be possible to let go if something happened to either of them.

She pursed her lips in irritation. "You know, Draco, it's ironic that I would be pressuring you about this matter".

"About what?" he smirked. "Oh, I know what you want, Granger but can you even say the word?"

She turned a rosy color and bit her lip. "Erh.."

He laughed louder and more genuinely than he had in ages, and she found herself laughing too, eventually. His eyes watered from the strength of it, and after the laugh was over he wiped the corners. "You're such a prude. How can you tell yourself you want to fuck when you can't even say the word?"

She shrugged and grinned, and then began kissing him again. She was beginning to like the taste of cigarettes; they tasted like Draco.

They tasted like home.

::::::::::::::

It wasn't until nightfall that something went wrong. There was a glow of firelight in the distance, which worried Hermione greatly. Though Harry and Ginny kept reassuring her it was New Year's Eve and people were probably lighting bonfires, she couldn't seem to find her peace of mind. Harry eventually became suspicious too as the light drew nearer. Everyone was drinking, everyone except for Hermione and Harry, whom were still on edge over the light. They simply sat, sat and watched.

"How are things with Ginny?" she asked abruptly. Mainly, she just wanted to talk about how things were with Draco. But part of her really did care; Harry and Ginny were the best friends she had.

"They're good" he answered, after a moment of thought. "Or as good as they can be with modern times. How are things with you and Malfoy?"

"I feel like I care about him a lot more than I should" she sighed. "I want him to be happy, but it's just not possible".

"He's a lost cause when it comes to that, Hermione" Harry said, shooting a sympathetic glance over at Draco. "But he seems happier around you than he is around anyone else... He seems almost content".

She simply smiled in reply. Sometimes almost was all you could have. She settled with almost.

::::::::::::::

Everything went wrong at around ten o'clock at night.

Half of the Order members were intoxicated, and the others were completely caught off guard when they heard shouting and flames outside. "Shit" Hermione hissed. "Everyone apparate to the Forest of Dean! Now! Bring the tents".

Many of them obeyed, immediately following the orders that she had set. But Harry and Draco stayed behind, along with Cho, whom they had caught when she tried to escape. "Chang. You do realize that people could've died tonight, right?"

"They threatened to kill my mother" Cho whimpered. "I had to... Or they would. I couldn't just let that happen -

"You could've killed everyone here! Do you remember when they just tried to kill Granger days ago? They could've succeeded this time" shouted Draco, who was breathing heavily in his sudden rage.

"Of course that's all you care about" she said coldly. "Everything revolves around Hermione for you. There's more to this war than her. Imagine if your mother was held captive? What would you have done?"

"My mother is dead" he supplied blankly. "And I wouldn't have done this. But Chang, we need to get the tent and leave, and you aren't coming".

"Kill her, Malfoy" said Harry. "She knows too much".

"I don't think she's earned it" Draco protested. "She's right about her mother she just -

"Obliviate her!"

When they said that, she ran. She ran surely for her own life, for her mother's. But halfway through her run she collapsed, dead at the hand of a Death Eater. "Come on" growled Potter, grabbing his companion's arm and summoning the tent before apparating them to Draco's third new home.

But there was no such thing as home anymore, really. 'Home is where the heart is', so they said. Unfortunately, there was neither home nor heart left in the world.

* * *

**Author's Note **

Yay I finished writing this chapter! The other one will probably take longer to post than all these, no scratch that, _will _take longer to post. I was already halfway through writing this one when I started posting what I had so I had a star. Update will probably be either tomorrow or the next day. Sorry if I'm a little late :c


	11. Motives

**Chapter 11 ~ Motives**

Instead of getting better the way that Draco thought, things were only growing progressively worse. Progressively more in pain, progressively deeper into the war. The eye of the storm was far gone now, and instead they were in the most intense part of the hurricane.

He hoped and prayed that the climax of chaos meant that it would soon calm, but then he rethought things and figured that chances are, that wasn't the worst part, and it was only going to grow worse. The fact that he had murdered his father was finally starting to sink into his skin, and it was driving him mad. He attempted to numb his worries and negative emotions aside by means of cigarettes, firewhiskey, and his favorite numbing substance of them all, Granger. But the thing was, Granger didn't really numb him. Granger made him feel alive again, she made him feel human. And he wasn't the only one that saw the way he lit up around her either. The topic came up at dinner a couple days after they had moved campsites.

"Why are you so damned depressed all the time?" asked Neville, frowning. "I mean, you're always either drinking or smoking and the times you aren't you're lashing out on objects or fellow Order members. I mean... Why?"

Draco glared at him and tapped one of his fingers on the counter top "The thing is, Longbottom, the question is more of 'why not?' rather than 'why?'" he said in exasperation. "And I'm so damned depressed for the same reasons as you, as everyone else here; because of the war".

"I thought it might be because of your father" mumbled Neville.

Draco was _very _exasperated now. He was hungry, tired, depressed, enraged, and sexually frustrated. All in all, bringing up his father then was like poking a sleeping dragon in the eye. "Very astute observation. I think that a ten-year-old could have figured that one out but nonetheless, yes".

"You're rather grumpy today" Luna Lovegood's dreamy voice pointed out from the corner of the room. _She's in here?, _Draco groaned. "Have the nargles got you?"

"What the fuck are nargles?" the other blonde asked, narrowing his eyes. "Are they some more of that make believe Quibbler bullshit?"

"Nargles are real, thank you very much" said Luna haughtily.

"Lovegood, I don't want to debate over this stupid shit right now. There's a lot more important things on my mind than fucking nargles, whatever the hell they are. I can't believe you still care about that shit when people are dying. You're probably useless on a battlefield -

"Would you please shut up?" snapped Ginny. "Just because you're in a foul mood doesn't mean you have to take it out on everyone else, Malfoy. Do you treat Hermione like this when you're around her?"

He ground his teeth together, trying to restrain the shouts building up in the back of his throat. "You're a fool if you think that Granger would put up with me if I treated her like this".

"I'm hardly a fool" the redhead countered. "The only time I ever see you act human, act _happy _is when you're around her. I mean... You actually smile. But you still don't deserve her".

He had had enough by then, his teeth were grinding so hard he feared they might crack, and he was as tense as he was in battle. "Oh believe me, I am _well _aware of that, Weasley. I think I figured that out for myself. But I make Granger happy, and she of all people deserves it".

"In the end you're going to hurt her".

He knew she was right, so he just left the table and retreated back to his tent, back to his room. He didn't want to think about the endings, he only wanted to think about the present, not the future. It would be better, really, if stories didn't have endings... But they had to, and he knew his wasn't going to be that of a fairy tale. After all, he was hardly Prince Charming, and she was hardly a princess.

They didn't get along perfectly or speak overly affectionate words. They hadn't even discussed what exactly their relationship was, simply called it a 'silver lining' for them both. They hadn't made rules, set standards, or clarified whether they had to be faithful or not; not that either of them even wanted to stray. They went long periods without speaking, and they argued. They argued, and argued, and argued. They weren't functional... And yet they were beautiful.

He thought back to Weasley's comment about how he never smiled away from Granger and after close consideration, he realized how true the statement was.

Damn Gryffindors and their ability to nose their way into _anything. _

::::::::::::::

He barely had to deal with the outside war through the coming weeks, and as January was coming to an end he realized he was hardly fighting the outside war at all anymore, even when he was. The harder war to beat was the war going on inside his head.

Eventually, he became isolated. He locked himself away with nothing but his firewhiskey, his cigarettes, his candle and his damaged mind. He couldn't allow himself contact with the Order members around him; he feared if he did he would only make things worse. His room was a mess from the times he lost control. Occasionally, he would throw things, or slide things off the tables, he had even punched a hole in one of the walls.

Draco knew that he was talented at many things, but he also knew that there were many talents he lacked; coping was one of them.

Granger had come knocking at his door multiple times, asking him if he was okay, asking him if he needed anything. Eventually, he cast a charm on the door so he couldn't hear anything going on outside. It took all the self restraint he had not to go looking for her, but he knew he had to. He knew that Ginny's words were the truth.

And hearing them from someone else is what had made him run like the coward he was. Hearing them from someone else had set him off and made him realize that Granger was right in the beginning about not being sure because of the ending. What if he had never acted on the impulse that had gotten him here? Perhaps he'd be a little more open, a little less self loathing, a little less enraged. He was having serious withdrawal.

He cursed at the deity he had lost faith in once more and chugged a whole bottle of firewhiskey in one swig.

::::::::::::::

Hermione had broken the protective charms around his door.

He found out when he woke up to see her sitting at the end of his bed studying him curiously. "What are you doing in here, Granger?" he asked groggily. He was beginning to feel the after effects of chugging a whole bottle of firewhiskey. "My head hurts like a bitch".

"You've been drinking a lot more than usual".

Draco nodded. "Yes, I have. That's why my head hurts".

"I figured that out myself" snapped Hermione. "But Draco... Where have you been? I've been worried for you... It's not healthy to isolate yourself this way! You have to come see some daylight, live life -

"You know what else isn't healthy?" he mumbled. "Living".

"I'm angry with you" she informed him.

"Why?" he raised an eyebrow.

"I've tried so hard to make you feel okay and make you feel better. I'm not sure if it's because we don't work, or I don't work, or if it's just because you're dysfunctional as hell, but something's wrong because you're still just as fucking pessimistic as you ever were! And don't you dare say you're a realist Malfoy because no realist would hide from reality by means of a bottle of alcohol". Her words all came out shaky and higher than normal, and the tone of hurt in her voice was impossible to ignore.

"This is why I locked myself away!" he explained loudly. "Because I just hurt everyone!"

"Draco fucking Malfoy if you try to make excuses for yourself one more time, I'm going to hex you into a million tiny pieces" she spat in warning. "We need you in this battle and we need help with strategy! It's fucking selfish of you as one of the most intelligent and quick witted members of the Order to just leave. I don't give a fuck how shitty you feel! Everyone feels shitty! I feel like shit all the fucking time and I still get up every single day because _they need me_".

He snorted. "They don't miss me at all".

She laughed coldly. "You really are _daft _aren't you?"

"What are you talking -

"_I need you_" she shouted. "It's not just about fucking strategy and battle or anything else! I need you to keep _me _okay, Draco. Do you even know how bad I've been at coping since you've locked yourself away? I've been driving everyone up the wall".

"You always are" he teased. But apparently, now was not the time to tease. She cracked, and soon enough she was sobbing and curled up in a ball leaning back against the wall of his bedroom. "Erh - I'm sorry. I was just joking".

She wrapped her arms around him like a blanket and cried into his chest, and they both just stayed like that for a while. He wished he could release everything like that all at once. But he couldn't cry. Somewhere through his childhood, after enough punishments for crying in the first place, he had learned not to. It felt casual, but yet he yearned to be able to just let things pour like that. He rocked her back and forth soothingly and nuzzled her neck.

"It'll be okay".

He repeated the three words over and over again, trying to reassure her, and yet he had never told such a big lie in a life. Nothing was going to be okay. But at least they held this. He kissed her neck lightly and rubbed her back in an attempt to stop the sobs. After a while, she was silent. But still they did not let go of each other. They both knew they needed it.

When she left the room, she said nothing. Sometimes actions spoke louder than words ever could.

::::::::::::::

"I'm sorry about earlier" Hermione said weakly as they sat at the table researching curses and Horcruxes. "I just broke down... I hadn't let anything out in so long".

He looked into those large, round brown eyes that he had grown to know so well. Even though he had studied them, even though he could tell exactly what she felt just by reading them, and even though he had looked into them so many times he still drowned in them. All in all, he just drowned in _her. _Her laughs, her smiles, her witty comments. "There's nothing to apologize for, Granger. I wouldn't be expecting an apology. You did nothing wrong".

She bit her lip. "It's embarrassing. Why do I always lose it like that when I'm around you? My feelings just find a way to escape and find their way out of me no matter how hard I try to fight against it".

"You aren't afraid to show me how you feel anymore" he replied simply. "And neither am I".

There was a silence, and they were both wondering the same thing; when the hell had they gotten so close?

"Two months" she said quietly.

He raised an eyebrow in questioning. "Excuse me?"

"Two months since we first kissed" she sighed. "Draco, even after two months of this we haven't even defined what we are. So do tell me, what exactly _are _we?"

"I don't now how to define what we are".

She bit her lip. "Well what are the... Rules of this agreement? Do the rules of a relationship apply? Respect, communication, fidelity, or what?"

"Granger, there is no way in hell we'll ever respect each other. There is no way we'll ever be able to functionally communicate without bickering. But fidelity I can do" he drawled. "I would never want to betray you".

Hermione reached her arm across the table and cupped his face in her hands, rubbing her thumbs up and down the sides of his cheekbones. This was another situation were words weren't necessary, that actions were better. They found that they communicated better physically than verbally. Oral communication would end in arguments half the time. "Okay" she whispered after a while.

"Okay" he purred in response.

Slowly but steadily, they found their way back to reality, and back to research. It was a shame, really; they found that the world they had created was so much better than the real one.

::::::::::::::

"Granger, why on earth are you so set on believing in a religion?" asked Draco in an exasperated tone. "If there was a God, we wouldn't be in this fucking mess... I would've never thought you would be a believer of all people".

This was their third time having this debate in the past two days, but nevertheless, the topic of religion had come up again.

"I don't believe it" she admitted weakly. "I just try to. I mean, it's better than thinking the last thing I'm going to see is a flash of green light, or that all my friends don't even exist anywhere anymore".

He considered her logic for a moment, and saw her point of view when he pictured Hermione gone... Not even her soul left anywhere anymore. She was just blank, nonexistent. He frowned. Maybe he did like her point of view better than his own. "So basically, you just pretend to believe in God to convince yourself that it won't always be so shitty?"

"Something like that" she answered quietly. "But not everything is shitty. You have to remember that much, at least. There has to be at least one thing in your life that means something to you besides firewhiskey and cigarettes".

Secretly, she prayed to the deity she tried so hard to believe in that it was her. But that was naive, and that was foolish. Now of all times was not the time to try to live out a fairy tale. Even if they did go somewhere, it wouldn't be right. They would be as a couple, yes; but the timing would be wrong. She frowned. How come there was no way for anyone to win?

"Well, pissing you off means a lot to me" he said, flashing her the half smile that made her heart jump.

She scowled. "It's great knowing I mean so much to you, _darling. _Insufferable prat".

His grin was a smirk now, predictably. "What about you Granger, what means something to you? What keeps you motivated?"

Her first instinct would've been to say 'you', for that would be the honest answer. But honesty wasn't the best policy when it came to their relationship; at least when the truth was too affectionate. There was an invisible line that neither of them felt comfortable crossing, so they made boundaries on just where to stop.

"Morals" she answered. It wasn't a lie, really. But it was only half of the true answer, and in Hermione Granger's book, missing information was just as bad as a lie. But again, their relationship was one where lies like that were acceptable. The truth would have too many consequences.

He lit a cigarette and inhaled slowly, savoring the bitter taste as it filled his lungs. "I think you're the only one left with morals out of everyone here. I cant say I'm not impressed".

"Most people lose their morals in war because nearly every action you could take in a battle is against morale... The guilt of violence, killing, torture, all of that is too much to bare when you still have morals" she sighed.

"Don't tell me you feel that guilt?"

She said nothing in response. He took that as the answer he needed.

"Oh for the love of God, Granger. You should be the last person out of everyone here experiencing guilt. Especially when you're sitting here beside a Death Eater -

"You were forced".

He pulled up the sleeve of his flannel shirt, exposing the black mark branded permanently onto his forearm. She hated looking at it, but at the same time couldn't look away. "I'm still a marked man. This is the mark of a killer".

"I've killed" she argued. "Draco, a mark doesn't define who you are".

"Really, now?" he raised his eyebrows and laughed dryly. "It seems that no one here besides you seems to think that. You know what Weaslette said to me the other day? She said I didn't deserve you".

"That's not -

"Don't lie and say that it's not true. If you're so set on keeping your life pure and good, you should recognize the fact that lying is a sin".

She wrapped her arms around his waist and snuggled herself up against his tall frame. There were times when she enjoyed how short she was, and most of them were just because of the height difference between her and Draco. His firm arms were around her too. "I still think you're a good man".

He said nothing, instead he just rested his chin on the top of Granger's head and looked out onto the water. Some moments won't worth spoiling with arguments.

:::::::::::::::

Hermione loathed it when Draco was depressed.

For one, he was more snappy than normal. For two, he wouldn't even admit what was wrong. And for three, typically in those times, he ignored her. But she had barged her way in the next time he was depressed. It was the first day of February, and it was a particularly shitty day all around. It was hailing outside, and the whole camp was out on a mission all night so none of them had gotten more than an hour of sleep.

He hid in his room, the way he usually did. That much was normal. But the thing was, was that Granger had once again broken his protective charms, and soon enough she had burst through his door. She was carrying a teapot and a couple of empty teacups. She set them down on the desk in the corner of his room and lay down in bed beside him casually. "So, would you like to talk about it?"

Somehow, Hermione had acquired the ability to read his emotions, which annoyed the hell out of him. Sure, he was always wearing the same impassive expression, and the same smirk, but there were little indications that she had learned to catch. He didn't talk or argue as much when he was upset, and his eyes would glaze over like a doll's. When he was angry, he would grind his teeth together and his eyes would look an even stormier, darker grey than they were. When he was happy... Well, he wasn't usually happy. She had yet to learn that one.

"There's nothing to talk about, Granger, I just hate everything".

"Do you hate me?"

"No" he shook his head.

She smiled sympathetically. "Well that's one thing, then".

"I guess," he mumbled.

There was a question that had been badgering her for a long time; a question she had to ask for her mind to be at peace. So she decided too, no matter how hard she got pushed away. If she never tried, it would drive her mad. "Draco... Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

He sighed heavily. "Yes. There's no point of lying to you, anyways. You and the rest of your friends are some of the most nosy people in the history of this earth".

"Rita Skeeter" she pointed out.

"Well, besides her".

She gazed at his face. He looked so innocent. She noticed that he had long eyelashes. That was something she'd never taken note of before. "Don't even do anything, Draco... To hurt yourself, I mean".

"Why?"

"I probably shouldn't say this, but you're one of my motives to keep going" she confessed. His eyes darted over to hers, they looked questioning.

He wanted to respond. He tried to find the words on his tongue, in his throat, in his vocal chords, anywhere... But they wouldn't come. So instead he conveyed his message through the use of lips , teeth, tongue and hands. He was kissing her as slowly as he could manage, keeping the pace tantalizing so she would perhaps even become frustrated. He ran his hands over her in the same low pace. Up her bare arms, down her sides, up her sides, up her legs...

The touches were so innocent but yet they made her feel so unclean and made her want much more than she probably should.

She kissed a line across his jawbone and down his neck. She bit at his neck when her mouth found it, stopping and sucking at his skin. He would have just as many bite marks as her now. Revenge certainly was sweet, for both sides, in this case.

But they never went further.

Not because they didn't want too. Merlin knew that they would love going further.

It was simply because Draco's morale. He never had morale when it came to women, in all honesty. But he considered Granger's virginity a treasure; one that he certainly did not deserve to possess. Hell, no one deserved it.

He chuckled under his breath when he realized that now _he _was the one over-thinking things.

* * *

**Authors Note**

I have a legitimate addiction to writing, I swear. I have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow and it's 1:59 currently. Oops.

xxoo love everyone blah blah same shit as before.


	12. Innocence

**Chapter Twelve ~ Innocence**

The things that Draco hated the most about Hermione Granger were things that most people would like. He hated her ability to tell when something was wrong, he hated her for somehow convincing him to open up to her, he hated her for caring... And mostly, he hated her for treating him like he was fragile.

He regretted their last conversation, for now she looked at him as though he was human. He didn't consider himself as human. He probably never would.

But now she did. She would shoot him affectionate glances or stroke his knee under the table at meetings reassuringly. She would ask him if he was okay and offer him tea. She would smile at him for no reason at all, and she would talk to him about her own problems.

He didn't particularly dislike the fact that she treated him this way. Hell, he loved it. But he disliked the fact that she now viewed him as one of _them. _He wished he was pure enough to be one of them, but he would never be. It was dangerous to view him as so. They were pure, good, honest, loyal, functional... and he was the opposite of all of the factors that made a Phoenix a Phoenix.

But no matter how many times he tried to convince her that he wasn't good, that she'd be better off if she didn't care about him, she wouldn't listen to him. She would always sigh and say the same damn thing; 'I wish you could see what I see in you'. But what she saw, she would never tell.

But even she didn't know how to explain it. His bruised, twisted and beautiful soul was appealing to her. And they just... meshed well together. There were some people that were meant to be enemies, some people that were meant to be friends, some people that were meant to be strangers, and some people that were meant to be lovers. She decided with no doubts that they fell into the last categories. They just fit.

She thought of Harry's mother and father, and how they loathed each other in school, smirking.

Maybe they weren't so unconventional, after all.

::::::::::::::

He wasn't sure if the battle he had just returned from was reality or if it was a nightmare; somehow the two seemed to blur together then. All he knew was that it had scarred him greatly, and that he might never be the same again.

He also wasn't sure if Longbottom was dead or not. If he was, he envied his companion. Death was like a deep, relaxing sleep. There was no sleep where he was. Sometimes he even wondered whether if he was living or if he was in hell. But then again, if this was hell, he wouldn't have Granger.

The moment he walked in the kitchen, Granger covered his mouth in kisses. Maybe it was because he looked so battered up; after all, his face was dirty bruised and the cut on his forehead was bleeding. But maybe she just sensed he needed it. She had a knack for that.

She released him after she felt she had kissed him enough to heal his wounds and looked in his grey eyes, which looked more dead than she'd ever seen them. "Is it true... What Harry said?"

"That depends on what he said" he replied simply, leaning up against the kitchen counter.

"Neville" she managed to whisper, but tears welled up in her eyes.

Draco ground his teeth together the way he always did when he was angry, but Hermione noticed that his eyes were glazed over, too. He was both angry and upset; but usually the two went hand and hand when it came to him. "He's dead".

She felt a few tears trickle down her cheeks before she could find a reply. "Why is it that everyone always has to die?"

"Oh believe me, I ask myself the same thing" he drawled. "I only pray that I'm next".

And then she did the opposite of what he would've expected. She slapped him. Her dainty hand swept across his face so hard that it stung. "You. Insensitive. Little. Prat". She slapped his arm with each word.

Now she was really crying. He had never seen her so raw, her tears were different this time. They were more wounded, more angry, more passionate.

"Ow! What the fuck, Granger?" he hissed, clutching his arm. His face still stung from her slap.

"You have some _nerve__" _she snapped. "You have some nerve saying that you hope that you're next to me after I've just lost a close friend! You don't even bother to think of what it would do to me? Neville didn't want to die! Go take his place, I'm sure he wouldn't mind... Obviously neither would you! It is so _selfish _of you to wish that when you know how I feel for you"

His eyes darted up, questioning. "Actually, you've never told me exactly how you feel about me".

"_Why would you care_?" she was shouting now. "I mean, after all, you just want to be dead anyways!"

He placed his hand on her cheek, but she swatted it off with her own. He sighed. "I care because you're all I have left".

It went against every fiber of his body to become so vulnerable, and so open to someone, but yet he couldn't help it. Granger had completely broken through his protective fortress, and how she had done it, he did not know. But he couldn't keep anything from her anymore.

She pressed her lips gently to his cheek, which she noticed had rough stubble growing on it. "Draco" she murmured.

He kissed her, then. It was a soul wrenching kiss, the kind that forged a permanent emotional connection between two people. It was passionate and real, all the anger and passion left from the argument just moments before was poured into hit. He groaned when she trailed her tongue slowly across his swollen bottom lip; tantalizing. "Are you real?" he mumbled as he clumsily kissed a line down her throat.

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked in reply, pulling his face up to hers for another kiss. He bit her lip and it hurt in the best way possible.

He trailed his hands under her shirt and up her sides, the skin to skin contact caused her to suck in a sharp breath. "You're so much like heaven" he murmured against her mouth. "And the world around us is so much like hell".

And then she was urgent, pulling his shirt over his head and running her hands across his muscles which were just as defined as they looked.

Damn, he was horny. He was more horny than he'd been in a long time. He decided to completely toss his morals to the side, and soon Granger was left in nothing but her underwear and was laying down beneath him on top of the kitchen counter. "Fucking heaven" he growled. He nipped viciously at her neck and she let out a soft dulcet sound.

"Erh - hello" said an awkward sounding voice that certainly belonged to Potter.

"Oh for fuck's sake" Draco cursed in frustration, pulling himself off of Granger, and off of the counter. "What do you want, Potter?"

"I just wanted to make sure everyone was alright... With Neville's death, you know" the dark haired wizard answered. He looked extremely uncomfortable, but that was nothing on Hermione. She had sunk down shamefully behind the counter, embarrassed to even show herself.

"Uh, yeah" replied Draco awkwardly. "We're... We're coping".

Harry nodded stiffly once more before leaving their tent.

Hermione got up from behind the counter, her face and neck ferociously pink. Her hands were still over her mouth, and wordlessly she grabbed her clothes and walked away.

_Damn him, _thought Draco. _Damn Potter to hell. _

::::::::::::::

There was an awkward tension between the two of them for weeks after another night of 'almost'; another night that they had almost lost control.

Hermione would make petty small talk while Draco would do nothing but stare at her blankly as he remembered the feel of her bare skin and the way she looked in her underwear, the way any seeing male would have.

"How did you sleep?" she asked weakly over pancakes one morning.

He smirked, looking up from his newspaper. "Really? That's the most dull conversation you're tried to make all week".

She studied him, nibbling on her lip the way she usually did when she was nervous or thinking about saying something. Today, she was both.

"Oh, come on. Spit it out" he rolled his eyes and tossed the newspaper to the side. "You've been holding something back for weeks... Ever since..."

He trailed off. He couldn't exactly feel comfortable speaking about that night where 'almost' had happened again.

"Would you have slept with me that night?" she managed to say after she had swallowed her pride. There was no room for pride anymore, after all. Her dignity was already tattered beyond repair when she was caught in the act of sleeping with Draco by her best friend.

"Granger, any self respecting male would've slept with you that night" he chuckled. Then he paused, looking at her deep in thought. "Would you have let me?"

She nodded, nibbling at her lip again. "Yeah, I think so".

"You think so?" he arched an eyebrow.

"I would have" she muttered, blushing. "I know I would... But I'm glad he stopped it. It - we - can't happen again".

He rolled his eyes. "Now you're talking nonsense".

"How?" she frowned.

"Because you need this just as much as I do" he replied smugly, smirking.

She said nothing and began cutting up her pancakes. Damn him.

"Where do we stand?" she asked finally.

He shrugged impassively. "I'm going for a smoke. Coming?"

She nodded. "Yeah".

"Okay" he grinned, offering his hand.

She took it, intertwining their fingers and biting her lip again. It was the most innocent interaction the two had ever shared, and that why it scared her. She feared that they were entering a territory more than just 'silver lining'

::::::::::::::

"You are a git, you know" Hermione muttered, glaring at Draco from across the table.

"I know".

"You are a total prat".

"I know".

"You are the most selfish, arrogant person in the world -

He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms, smirking in amusement. "And yet, you adore me".

She sighed in defeat, meeting his soft grey gaze. "And yet I do".

::::::::::::::

His lips were everywhere.

Her neck, her collarbones, her pulse point, her chest...

Being sinful had never felt so delicious. She was up against the wall, grinding her pelvis against Draco Malfoy and yet she had no regrets.

She couldn't even remember how the hell she had gotten herself in such a reckless situation, but somewhere in the midst of her shouting and their argument he had shut her up in the most effective way possible.

She noticed that there was more urgency in their kisses lately, that they had both been more frantic about things. She thought that they kissed like they were saying goodbye. And maybe it was because they were. They would never know if the current kiss they were sharing was their last. For all they knew, this might be it.

"Can I touch you?" he heard himself growl against her lips as he trailed his hands under her shirt the way he always did.

His eyes flew open in disbelief that he'd even said that, and he was sure she'd shove him away. But instead she just bit her lip like she always did when she was nervous and nodded.

And then they were kissing again, biting at each other's lips. His hand trailed up under her bra and cupped her breast as if it was the most tender, fragile thing in the world. Hermione liked that.

"Okay?" he whispered breathlessly, pulling their mouths apart and simply resting his forehead on hers. He couldn't put a finger on the look in her eye, but it was the softest look that Granger had ever directed at him, and he couldn't answer why his heart jumped when he saw it if someone asked.

She nodded, pressing their lips back together gently and murmuring against his lips, "Okay".

::::::::::::::

Draco was more nervous than relieved when he wasn't put into combat the day of the next ambush. He had argued with Potter without end about it, demanding to go. But the dark haired wizard had simply shook his head and said nothing. When he had asked for a reason, he simply shrugged and said nothing.

He had pressed endlessly on that matter, but still there he was, nervously staring at the clock and tapping his finger in rhythm to the second hand. The clock was mocking him. While he was sitting nervously, Granger was out fighting. She was in danger while he was safe. And if that wasn't hell, he didn't know what was.

As each hour passed, he became more worried. He wondered if that was why Granger had kissed him like that when he returned from the last battle he had played soldier in. He couldn't seem to remember to cope without her, so instead he sat in his insecurity in a rather uncomfortable living chair in the corner of his tent's living room and watched the time.

He didn't drink simply because Granger didn't like it what he did. He wanted to be sober for her when she returned... _If _she returned.

"Are you alright, Draco?" asked the dreamy voice of Luna Lovegood from across the room.

He grunted impassively, and kept his eyes on the clock. He had a feeling that this was going to be another sleepless night.

::::::::::::::

He woke in the same chair he had fallen asleep in to the smell of coffee and pancakes. He didn't remember falling asleep, probably because he had stayed up until three o'clock in the morning, determined to be awake for when Granger had come home.

He looked around the living room to see Luna Lovegood looking at him curiously. He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Hermione's out by the lake" said Luna after a few moments.

He got to his feet and looked back at the exit of the tent. "Erh - thanks, Lovegood".

Immediately, he spotted her. He liked their new campsite for this reason, it was in a clearing. She was standing by the water's edge alone. He wondered how long she had been there, and she wondered also why she hadn't waken him when she returned. He also wondered if she noticed how cold it was, or if she was just too much in pain to notice anything else.

He walked down the gravel path to her side, and though she did not meet his eye, he could tell that she noticed him. "Why didn't you wake me, Granger? I was worried sick".

She met his gaze, and he noted that her eyes looked more sad and lifeless than before she had left. "You look peaceful when you sleep. That's the only time you look peaceful at all... I couldn't bring myself to wake you".

"You look upset" he pointed out. She shrugged her shoulders. "What happened?"

"They have Harry" she mumbled.

"What do you mean?" asked Draco urgently. "What the hell do you mean?"

"They have him captive... I think they're expecting us to go get him".

"Well we are going to go get him!" he exclaimed frantically. "We can't just leave him there!"

She smiled a sad, hurt smile. "That's the thing, Draco. They expect _us _to go get him, as in you and me".

"They're still set on killing us, are they?" he spat bitterly. Hermione nodded. "Well, we don't have much of a choice, now do we? We have to go get him... Or die trying".

"Sometimes I wonder if you would've made a good Gryffindor" she mused.

"You wound me with your suggestion" he said in mock offense, grinning. She laughed. "Did they say anything else? Besides the fact that they had Potter?"

"They said we had more than one traitor. They said there was one more" she whispered. "But - But I don't know who it would be".

Draco pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it with his lighter. He inhaled and exhaled, looking out at the water in deep thought. "That means they're doing a good job playing their part though, doesn't it?"

She looked longingly at the cigarette and then held out her hand. "I want a drag".

His eyes widened and he coughed on the hit he had just taken. "But Hermione Granger never smokes".

"I don't know what Hermione Granger does or doesn't anymore" she said quietly.

He shook his head. "I can't let you have a cigarette, Granger".

She furrowed her brow. "Why? You smoke at least a pack a day".

"Because you're pure. Ever since you've met me you've lost that... Since you've met me you've killed already. The last thing I want to do is soil you with a cigarette. And let's not forget that you almost had sex".

She frowned. "Sex with you".

"Yes, Granger. Sex with me" he agreed.

"What if I want to have sex with you? What if that's on my bucket list?" she asked quietly.

"I've already told you, I can't trample on your innocence anymore".

"There is no room for innocence".

He looked down sympathetically at the petite woman that had changed so much. "I suppose there isn't".

And with that, he passed her the cigarette and said nothing more on the matter of innocence.

Innocence didn't exist anymore. Because God knew that if it didn't exist in Gryffindor Golden Girl, Hermione Granger, it didn't exist in anyone.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

this chapter is kinda short, sorry. meh. hope the content made up for it!

on another note, this story probably won't be rated T for much longer, so if you can't find it look for me in the M category.

love like always, xoxoxo.


	13. Virtue

**Chapter 13 ~ Virtue**

He still hadn't gotten used to the change in Hermione's personality.

Before, she had seemed to be one of the most lively ones there. Now she seemed only half alive, the same way everyone else was. And she felt like a walking machine. She had completely blocked out her emotions, simply because they weren't worth the risk.

"I don't like it when you smoke, Granger".

Hermione scowled at him as she took another drag of her cigarette. "Well that's kind of hypocritical, isn't it? You smoke a pack every day, at the least. Two packs when you're depressed, and three packs when you're angry".

"I know".

"Then why do you care?" she asked, furrowing her brow. "What's the difference between you and I doing it?"

"Because you're pure... Or at least you were" he sighed sadly. "Just, I don't like seeing you ruin your innocence. Besides, it's not healthy to smoke".

"Which I've told you a hundred times" she rolled her eyes. "And was I innocent, Draco? I think I'd seen too much to still be innocent. I'm not a child, you know. I can make my own decisions. Maybe I don't give a fuck if it's healthy or not, and maybe I don't give a shit about whether I'm innocent or not".

"You should" Draco murmured, meeting her gaze. "Your purity is beautiful".

"You don't have to be pure to be beautiful".

He shrugged. "True, but the purity... It suits you, and you glow with it".

"You glow without purity" she defended.

"You and I are entirely different people... And I" he closed his eyes and massaged his temples, not looking up. "I don't want you to become like me, Granger".

"You're a good man" she insisted. "Whether you know it or not".

He shook his head, but he did not fight back, knowing that it was useless. He would never understand Granger's point of view, but he was not going to argue with a good thing. He was not going to push away the only person who thought highly of him.

She rested her thumb on his cheek, tracing his features with it. He looked at her as though he would never expect such a simple, innocent and yet beautiful thing done to him. Her lips were slightly parted, as though expecting a kiss.

So he gave it to her. He gave her exactly what she wanted; what he wanted.

Their kisses were becoming different, he notice that they deepened each time. Before they had been for relieving tension, caused simply by lust or anger or passion or a combination of all three; but they were beginning to have a trace of something else now. Something he couldn't put his finger on. Something he didn't want to. Something that he knew no matter how hard to ignore, he wouldn't be able.

Something that would end up hurting them both.

But he couldn't seem to care less about the fucking ending. At the moment, he had Granger pressed securely to him and she was biting at his neck. He growled. "They should make that illegal, Granger. I think I'm going to write to the Ministry about the matter".

"Really?" she murmured into his lips.

"Really" he said gruffly.

"_Liar_".

::::::::::::::

It was a hard day.

Well, all days were hard, but this day was the hardest. The meeting for the Order earlier had gone badly; There was no leadership without Harry, no guidance. Draco had even muttered bitterly more than once as the fighting was going on, 'More like the Disorder of the Phoenix". Even Luna Lovegood had gotten snappy, and she was only half attentive to what was going on.

So now, he was on the couch, doing the same thing he always did on a hard day; drinking. He didn't trust himself with Granger, not now, not while tempers were running so high. It would end in slamming doors, yelling and bickering.

But she caught him by surprise, she caught him off his guard; the same way she always did. She did it so much he wondered if he even had his guard up for her at all.

She was so light footed he didn't even hear her enter the room. He didn't know she was there until she felt her nimble fingers massaging his tense shoulders. "Loosen up, Draco" she whispered into his ear, a little too directly. The contact of her breath on the sensitive area made him shiver.

"Granger, I can't loosen up. There's no reason that I should. I think if anything I should be more tense. Things are only getting worse".

"You don't have to strain your mind all the time" she objected, sitting down beside him and kissing his shoulder. "Give yourself a break".

He groaned. "I need a distraction".

And he did. Merlin knew he did. His rage seemed to be just below the surface lately. It was hard to handle with Potter's guidance; it was even harder without it.

She trailed her lips up his shoulder, up his neck, across his jaw, all the way to the corner of his lips. "Distracted?" she whispered .

He wasn't as gentle as he would've liked when their mouths connected. He was trying to hide the lust and desperation that he was currently feeling, but somehow it all seeped in anyways. Their teeth clashed together a few times, but he didn't mind. To him, that made it feel more real.

"Very" he murmured.

And then she pulled away, leaving him hot and bothered, he frowned. "I want to ask you something".

"Well you've already broke our kiss to say it, so go ahead" he said in frustration.

"Are you okay?" she questioned.

The sincerity and selflessness of the question made his lips part. It was certainly not what he had expected. It was kind of a pointless question, as she already knew the answer. But he knew that she wanted a different answer; she wanted to prove herself wrong.

"Are any of us?"

She kissed his forehead. "I am, for now".

"Good".

Her eyes drifted towards the enchanted window. The moon was full and bright, barely covered by any clouds."You remind me of the moon"

She hadn't meant to say it, for it would lead to questions, which would lead to answers.

She didn't like answers. Answers were uncomfortable, particularly honest ones, and with Draco, nearly every answer was an honest one. She couldn't lie to him, even if she tried. She had grown too close to him for her to even think of lying to him.

He pulled them down so they were lying down, their foreheads pressed together. "Why is that?"

"You're the only light in my dark".

He frowned. This was one of the open, innocent statements that made him uncomfortable, that made him want to run and hide. But it was too late to hide from her. She had already penetrated his defenses, she had already found her way in.

"But I am dark".

"You're be grey, remember?" she whispered. "Grey. You said so yourself".

"I don't know what I am, Granger" he muttered. "But I'm sure as hell not reliable, or good for you to get attached to".

She rested her head on his firm chest and sighed, pulling a blanket off the arm of the couch and draping it over them. "I don't care if it's good for me anymore".

He couldn't bring himself to speak, for he was too guilty. Guilty for telling her to let things unfold.

Because now, they were too far in to close them.

:::::::::::::

"If you were an animal, which animal would you be?" Hermione asked one afternoon just after they had finished lunch.

"You can't be serious. I had never been asked such an insignificant question in my entire life" he chuckled under his breath. She glowered at him. "What, don't tell me you're serious? Do you seriously care what animal I would be if I had the choice".

"I would be a cat" she supplied plainly. "I would be a cat because cats are independent, but they're really loyal if you earn their trust".

He furrowed his brow. "You're weirder than I even thought, Granger".

"I'm trying to get to know you".

"You already know me" he remarked.

She shook her head. "Not all of you".

He wasn't sure if he was cursed or blessed by the fact that she was so bloody intrigued by him. He wasn't sure why she even was in the first place, he was hardly anything special at all. But yet she was so curious, so drawn to him; the same way he was drawn to her. Maybe it was magnetism, but either way, sometimes being her magnet was rather irritating. Particularly when she asked him childish questions about what animal he would be if he had the choice.

He sighed in defeat. "I'd be a sloth".

"Why?"

"Because they sleep all day, and they don't have to give a damn about wars," he responded. "They also don't have to be asked petty and insignificant by nosy women. Are we playing some kind of question game now?"

She pursed her lips for a moment, thinking, "Sure, why not. What's your favorite color?"

"You just had your turn" he argued. "I get to ask you a question now".

"I thought you were too dignified to ask insignificant questions".

He ignored her comment.

"What's your favorite season?" he asked finally.

"I like summer".

"How very predictable of you" he snorted. "I like spring... Everything comes alive again in spring".

"I hope spring comes soon" she mused.

He wasn't sure if she meant it because she hated the cold, or because she wanted everything to become alive again, but it didn't really matter. "I hope that spring comes soon, too. Merlin knows the world could use a little life right now".

She frowned at how even a childish question game could be depressing now. It really was winter. But not because of the weather. Everything was either dead, dying or cold. If you were out in the storm too long, you became numb. Her and Draco had both been out in the storm for too long.

But they were the sun for each other. Somehow, when they were together they became less numb. She smiled a genuine smile at that thought, only hoping that winter wouldn't kill her only sliver of happiness, too.

::::::::::::::

"We need a leader" stated Draco simply at the early morning meeting a few days after the one before. "And we need one now".

"But Harry will be back" snapped Ginny defensively. Her eyes were puffy, as though she had been up all night crying, but then he remembered she probably had. "Harry will be back soon enough that we don't need a leader".

"We need a leader _so _we can get him back" he groaned. "Why does everyone in the Order have to be so bloody difficult?"

"Why do _you _have to be so bloody difficult?" the redhead retorted.

Hermione raised a hand. "I think Draco should be leader".

His platinum blonde eyebrows shot up so high she could have sworn that they were going to fly off the top of his head. "Excuse me? Did I hear you correctly?"

"Absolutely not" hissed Ginny, narrowing her eyes. "He is a total _prat_".

"I think we should take a vote. Who thinks that Draco _should _be leader?"

Over half of the hands in the room flew into the air, including Hermione's. She counted with her free hand and then smirked when she was done.

"Majority vote. If Draco obliges, he's in charge of operations here" she declared.

"No, absolutely not" he answered shortly. "I'm under enough stress without handling you lot. And Granger, you and I both know that I can't handle that kind of responsibility. No way. I can't possibly -

"Whether you like it or not, Malfoy, we need a leader" said George from the end of the table. "And whether you like it or not, we think that you're the man for the job. So grow a pair and do it".

He groaned in defeat. "Granger, I am going to kill you; but fine, I'll think".

Who would have known that he would be put in this position? He certainly didn't.

When did they all stop loathing him?

When did they decide to look up to him?

He hated that all he could do was know that no matter what he said to the offer, he would let them all down.

::::::::::::::

After the early morning meeting, he began drinking again.

He was growing sick of the taste of firewhiskey, and the damn hangovers that came along with it, but he desperately needed to get away from his situation. So he planned to drown himself in alcohol until he passed out, the same way he always did.

Drink, after drink, after drink, after drink, and still he did not feel the numb he longed to feel. He wondered if it was because he had become tolerant to the substance, or if was simply because he had cracked under the pressure, and nothing could sew up the wounds.

But still, he continued to drink.

Maybe the alcohol would poison his liver and kill him, but he didn't care. He'd almost rather he went that way. He was at his breaking point; the point where he would do anything to escape. And now it seemed death was the option.

He wondered if Granger truly cared, or if she truly knew him it all. If she did either one, she wouldn't have put him under pressure.

If she did either one, she wouldn't have faith in him.

::::::::::::::

He held the doorknob to her door when she attempted to close it. He wasn't going to let her walk away. He had woken up from his nap just to have this discussion. "Granger, you are not getting away from me. Not until we've had our discussion".

"No way, Draco. Let me go inside -

"What the bloody hell were you thinking earlier?" he cried. "Me? Leader? I'm seriously starting to wonder if you acquired brain trauma during the last battle you fought in! God damn, you were mental before but now -

"They all agree with me".

He stopped the door once again when she tried to close it, only this time he entered her room and slammed it behind him. "Then maybe it's contagious".

Hermione couldn't seem to figure out why Draco was angry, but then again, he was always angry at something. Whether it was her, the world, himself, or the inanimate object that he stubbed his toe on, he was always bothered by something. "Draco, I need you to listen to me, alright?"

"No, I need you to listen to me, alright?" he snapped, his words filled with venom. "You know how much strain I feel already and you're adding even _more _to the pile, Granger. Stop trying to fucking redeem me! I don't want to be redeemed! Hell, I don't want to do anything but drink and sleep since that seems to be the only thing worthwhile anymore! To hell with all this crap".

"I'm just trying to help you realize what a good man -

"_I don't need your help!_" he shouted over her.

The words both stung and enraged her. She glared at him, feeling that in this moment she would be able to kill him. She was concerned for him, and yet she was so sick of him at the same time. Maybe Harry was right, maybe he was hopeless. But she had a need to help hopeless cases; it was something that she had always needed. She studied him. He was definitely mad, but he was close to crumbling too. His lip was quivering like he was about to cry, and he was as rigid as a board.

"Draco... I just... I want you to see the best in you".

"There _is _no best in me" he spat. "Why are you still telling yourself otherwise? Hell, if I were you I would've been out of your life a long time ago"

"Tell me something" she hissed. "Why is it you always push away the people that care? I should hate you right now".

"You should Granger! You should, so why don't you? I've tried repeatedly to shake you off my back but yet you cling on the harder I try! Why is that? Why the fuck don't you give up the way everyone else did? _Why?" _

_"Because I care about you!_" she was sobbing now and her voice was high and shrill. She was on the verge of tears, on the verge of breaking. "I don't care about your stupid flaws! I don't give a shit that you're a bastard, I don't give a shit that you were a Death Eater, I don't give a shit that you're rude, I don't give a shit that you drink away your problems like a coward, and I don't give a shit if you're dysfunctional or not! Hell, I'm obviously just as dysfunctional as you, I still care, even through _everything__!_"

And that was the moment when the walls came crashing down.

He sliced the distance between them, slamming her up against the door, which creaked at the weight of them. He was determined. He was not going to let morals, or interruptions, or wars, or anything else get in the way of what he wanted. Because he was a Malfoy, and Malfoys got exactly what they wanted. He bit and tugged at her lower lip until it tingled and swelled, and then she did the same to his.

He was doing everything he knew drove her mad. He was trailing his hands up her shirt, teasing her bare skin. His hands were cold, and the cold in contrast against her heat made her feel even more alive. He kissed her jawline and sucked at her neck, earning a soft, timid moan from her that caused him to harden. She smirked when his arousal began to prod her inner thigh.

She pulled her head back slightly, just to catch a glimpse of his eyes. They were darker and stormier than usual, a deeper grey. She liked that shade of grey. It only came out when he was most passionate, which before she had only seen when he was angry.

But he wasn't angry now. Not anymore. He was too lost in her to even consider being angry.

"Say the word, Granger" he rasped huskily. "Say the word and I will with no regrets".

"Take it" she demanded in a whisper.

And that was all he needed to hear.

His ministrations of removing their clothes were rather rushed and rather frantic. But hell, the tension was so high that he could cut it with a night. It needed to be relieved, or he would explode... or implode... or both. He practically tore her shirt as he removed it over her head with a little assistance, and he managed to pop off one of the buttons on his flannel shirt.

"God dammit" he cursed under his breath.

"Patience is a virtue" she reminded him.

He looked at her as he removed his jeans, and he was left only in boxers now, near completely bare. "To hell with virtue" he growled as he worked her out of her jeans.

His eyes roamed over the work of art that was the figure of Hermione Granger. He was trying to map out what he was going to do. He had to get her close to the edge before he could even consider himself, because he knew he wouldn't last long. It had simply been too long, too much tension, too many 'almost's.

She felt self conscious as his eyes continued to scan over ever curve and crevice of her body. She thought he might even reject her now, and that he was wondering why he had bothered going so far in the first place. But then he spoke as he hovered over her again. "You're lovely" he murmured. And every thought that could possibly run through her mind was gone as he pulled and sucked at a sensitive piece of skin just behind her ear.

But the nerves returned as his hands began to travel lower than her navel, and eventually were in panic once his hand had slipped beneath the cloth covering her core, She had _never _been touched there. And she had certainly never been touched there by Draco Malfoy. She closed her legs, pushing his hand out. "Don't".

"I'll distract you" he assured her softly, his eyes unreadable. "Trust me".

She squirmed anxiously for a moment before nodding and spreading her legs once more so he could remove her panties.

And damn was he distracting. He had taken only a moment to find and tease her most sensitive spot with the pad of his thumb, leaving her pleading and whimpering withing minutes. "Now" she hissed.

"Patience is a virtue" he repeated, chuckling airily under his breath. Damn him.

He unclasped her bra before teasing her with his fingers one more, only this time he put his mouth to use, too. He bit anywhere he could reach. Her breasts, her shoulders, her neck, her earlobe. She was beginning to shape, and judging my the dampness of her, she was just as ready as him.

"No regrets?" he raised an eyebrow.

"No regrets" she exhaled a long shaky breath.

He stood up to remove his boxers before coming over him again. Instinctively her legs closed. He placed his hands at her sides and began rubbing calming circles. "Relax" he whispered. She chewed at her swollen lip nervously, looking at him through hooded and lusty eyes, and then she made an opening for him. He positioned himself accordingly to enter her, and hissed when he finally did.

She was not disappointing. She was every bit as heavenly as he expected. He barely noticed her strained whimper, but was brought harshly back to reality once he realized that she had never done this before.

"It's alright, Hermione" he murmured. "Just breathe".

A wide grin spread across her face. She was unsure why it made her so happy that he had called her by her first name, perhaps it was because she would've never expected it. But she wouldn't have _ever _expected to lose her virginity to Draco Malfoy, either. He began moving after calming her enough to do so, creating a slow but steady rhythm that hopefully wouldn't feel unpleasant for her. If he could have his way, he wouldn't be gentle. But this was about her.

As the pain began to leave her, she began moving instinctively to take in as much of him as she could. She was beginning to feel a strange but pleasant warmth across her whole body, and she couldn't even control her whimpers anymore.

He knew she was close when he felt her erratic heartbeat against his lips, and the waves closing in around him, pushing him towards the edge as well.

At the climax, she felt more blissful than she had for a long time. She felt as though she was floating, and if the whole world was nothing but her and him. She felt her body spasm gracelessly and forgot all else but the waves of pleasure consuming her. Hell, she couldn't even remember her own name then. As the waves began to subside, she manage to rasp out, "Draco".

There were one, two, and then three more thrusts before he two was lost in the heaven she had created for him.

He rolled himself off of her once he regained his composure, panting and drenched in hers and his own sweat. Once their breathing had become normal again, there was an awkward silence. She was the first to break it, "Dra-

"Rest, Granger. We'll talk about it tomorrow" he grunted before turning over on his side and sleeping a lot more peacefully than he had in a long time.

::::::::::::::

Hermione awoke before him, and she flushed pink when she remembered that she was naked, and that she had lost her virginity to Draco Malfoy the night before. She shifted onto her side and studied his face.

She loved the way he looked when he sleep. He looked to be so innocent, and so free.

Two things that he wasn't, but also two things he deserved to be.

"Good morning, Granger" he grinned, opening his eyes.

They stared at each other for a few moments. It was silent, but it was not uncomfortable, or awkward.

She bit her lip before she spoke. "Last night... Are we still...?"

He nodded, "Yeah".

She slipped back on her clothes, and stopped at the door to look back at him and say, "Okay".

"Okay" he grinned.

"And Draco... Does this change anything?"

He shrugged, but whispered 'yes' after she left.

He had a feeling that this was going to change everything they knew.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

YAY SEX.

Rrg. This chapter took me forever to write. I hope it was at least worth it.

Thanks for reading, xoxo.

_PS: If you don't like smut, don't bother complaining. I won't listen to you. After all, one of the best parts about Dramione is the sex_.


	14. To Prove

**Chapter Fourteen ~ To Prove  
**

_"You're as sharp as a knife and you fit like a glove  
That is no way to live, that is no way to love  
Full of fear in your skin and the weakness is giving in" _  
- Salt Skin by Ellie Goulding

Damn he had lied. When Hermione had asked if anything was changed, he had simply shrugged. But everything had changed.

She was more attached than she had ever been to anyone. Sure, she was not surprised. Why would she be? She had given him everything. She had been closer to him physically than she had been with anyone. And yet, he had discarded her and made it seem like she was nothing at all; but she was.

Draco had reconstructed his walls. He had pushed her out with force and rebuilt his fortress, higher and tougher than before. He'd be damned if she broke in again. He didn't want it to be that way, he didn't want to push her away. But it was necessity. She was putting her own well-being and happiness at risk by her relationship with him... Hell, they hadn't even defined exactly what their relationship was.

Their relationship was exactly what they needed, but exactly what they feared at once. It was complicated to chose which side to act on; there was the safe way out, and there was what they longed to do; to stay. But staying was dangerous. Staying was putting too much on the line.

So they chose the safe way out.

::::::::::::::

He ran into her on accident, the same way he had fallen for her on accident.

Draco was trying to exit the tent so he could go smoke his morning cigarette, take his mind off things, and they collided in the doorway. They both tensed, and Hermione chewed on her lip again. He wanted to speak, but was unsure exactly what to say, so instead he simply said, "Granger".

She met his gaze, and there was a sad sort of longing in her eyes. "I don't know how I can do this... That's why I've been avoiding you if you've been wondering".

"No" he shook his head. "I haven't been wondering, because I'm doing the same thing. It's not safe".

"It isn't" she sighed, and then her voice became barely more than a whisper. "But I want it to be".

His instinct would've been to slice the distance, like he had before, but reality was bitter. Reality bitter because the Wizarding World's 'Chosen One' had been captured. Reality was bitter because now people like Granger had lost their innocence. Reality was bitter because if there was only one death, it was a positive thing. Reality was most bitter because no one could go a waking moment without worrying that someone they cared for would be the next to join the deceased.

"Don't" he looked down to the ground, not wanting to meet her eyes. He felt vulnerable when he met her eyes, simply because she had somehow learned to read into his own. "Wanting things isn't an option when everything is so bad. You're setting yourself up for disappointment, Granger".

"I know" she agreed. "But I can't help it, Draco".

He studied her features. They were still as innocent, still as lovely as ever. That made it harder. His self restraint was beginning to wane, so he decided to end the conversation. "I'm going to go outside for a smoke".

She nodded, biting her lip again. Damn her. "Alright".

::::::::::::::

Bickering had broken out over the meeting table again.

Draco was not surprised in the slightest, but he as only growing more and more irritated with each disagreement. "Can we all just shut up and try to agree on something?" he asked, irritation drenching the tone of his voice.

"You shouldn't be talking about being argumentative" snapped Ginny.

"I'm aware of your opinion of me, Weaselette" he retorted.

Hermione sighed in frustration. "Can we just keep the arguing to a minimum? I know you two don't like each other but that doesn't mean you have to fight all the time and also Draco stop whining about everyone else bickering it's going to happen people don't always share the same opinion".

"Seems that you think differently when we argue".

She gritted her teeth, but said nothing.

"Well then, it's settled" declared Draco. "You've chosen me leader, and since everyone since to have different views on the matter, I say we train and plan before we attempt to take back Potter. Otherwise we'll be walking directly into their trap".

"I'd rather be in their trap than converse with you" muttered George Weasley.

"The feeling's very much mutual. But as I remember, you voted me on as leader. So now, we train," Draco raised his eyebrows, smirking. "And Granger".

She met his eyes and furrowed her brow. "Yes?"

"I'm going to need your views on some matters".

::::::::::::::

His original intentions were honorable.

Granger was smart, and would have good ideas for strategy and tactics. But unfortunately, Granger was also attractive. And another thing Granger was argumentative. Argumentativeness would haven't been a problem for Draco and anyone else, but somehow, their mouths ended up clashing whenever an argument took place.

So there he had her, legs wrapped around his waist and carrying her desperately towards the couch. "Draco, we need to work" she chuckled airily as his mouth toyed at a piece of skin on her neck.

"I thought that's what we were doing" he rasped, trailing his hands up the sides of her rib cage.

"But Dra-

"Don't talk" said Draco, pressing his lips to hers in an effort to keep her quiet. "You're less irritating when you're not talking".

She glared at him, and he almost thought she would push him away and begin snapping at him for being an arrogant bastard the way she usually did, (and oh she considered it), but instead she took out her frustrations on his lower lip.

"We're so dysfunctional" she complained, though she did not pull away from him; for she had no desire to.

He smirked and trailed his kisses across her shoulder. "Slightly".

"I - I still don't think I can do this" she stuttered.

He lay her down on the couch before spreading himself across her and nibbling at her ear. "Can't you though?"

And she could. Damn, it was easy.

So she gave up on pushing him away, for now. She gave up on not having him. She gave up on her happy ending, deciding that he was right; she wouldn't get one regardless.

::::::::::::::

Draco was making an effort to become friends with Blaize Zabini. It was particularly difficult, but he had gotten them to the point of general conversation. He wasn't as easy to talk to as Potter or Longbottom, but he would have to make do.

"So what's up with you and Hermione?" asked Blaize after a short pause in conversation. "I've been hearing rumors".

Draco scowled. "Is that all anyone ever talks about? Who told you?"

"Ginny".

"Figures" he muttered bitterly. "Nothing's up between me and Granger".

"Don't even try to lie" Blaize chuckled. "You've had about three witnesses. Harry told me about the time you had her in her underwear on the counter. Are you two just shagging, or are you an item? She doesn't seem like the just shagging type".

Hermione was a subject that Draco could not possibly want to discuss less. He had no desire to discuss his complicated situation with Granger. He didn't want to talk about how he had somehow developed feelings for her, and that somehow he couldn't seem to shake her off.

"I don't know. Since when has it been any of your business, anyways?".

"It's everyone's business" replied Blaize. "I think it's everyone's business considering everyone knows".

"We aren't shagging, and we aren't together, either... We're just..."

He didn't really have any words for what he and Hermione were, for they were too many things They somehow managed to be enemies, friends, and lovers all at the same time. They were not something that could be easily defined with words, and they were not something that he could explain. Him and Granger were just made to interact, meant to be intimate, and meant to be in each other's lives.

"Indescribable" the blonde finished eventually.

Blaize looked momentarily puzzled before nodding stiffly. "You love her, don't you". It was more of a statement than a question.

Draco shook his head, but mused internally that he was not too far from.

::::::::::::::

"What are you afraid of, Granger?" he asked abruptly over breakfast one morning.

"I'm afraid of a lot of things... Mainly, I'm afraid of people I love dying which isn't a convenient fear to have when you're in a war" she replied. She looked up from her syrup-drenched pancakes and met his soft, grey gaze. "What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of my past".

"Why?" she tilted her head curiously "Shouldn't you be afraid of the present, or the future?"

He shook his head. "Not necessarily. In the past I've killed my father, stood in the presence of Voldemort, and had to deal with you when you're angry. I think it's safe to say those are all worst than anything else".

She swatted his arm, but otherwise ignored his comment. "What do you regret most?"

He sat in deep thought for a moment. He regretted a lot of things. He regretted being a Death Eater. He regretted calling Granger a Mudblood. He regretted being so ignorant of how lucky he was in his school days.

There were a couple of things he should regret, but didn't. He should regret not regretting murdering his father; and most of all he should regret not feeling stupid for falling for Hermione Granger. And he didn't. It was completely on the contrary, actually.

He was... happy.

The word was foreign to him, and even thinking the word felt completely odd and out of character. It had been too long. But Granger gave that feeling to him. She temporarily numbed the pain. She was like a better version of firewhiskey.

After a moment of thought of Granger, he had his answer instantaneously. "I regret taking your innocence".

She frowned. "You shouldn't, I was the one who was begging you".

"But you regret it".

"Slightly" she replied.

"I didn't want you to regret it, and I knew you would regret it with me because -

"Draco, I only regret it because now I'm afraid of you -

"Oh well that makes me feel a whole lot bloody better!" he scoffed.

"Would you just stop interrupting me?" she hissed. She stopped for a moment, making sure he would be quiet before continuing. "Draco, I'm afraid of you because now I'm too attached to you., and because of all the things that could go wrong in battle. And to be completely truthful, I fear you because I care about your happiness so much, and I'm afraid that Harry's right about what he said when he said your happiness is a lost cause".

"Potter is right about that" Draco agreed simply. "And there's nothing you can do to change it".

"Do - do I make you happy?"

"You're the closest thing I've been to happy in a long time, Granger" he sighed.

"Same" she replied, shaking her head. "And that's why we probably shouldn't do this".

But shouldn't obviously didn't make a difference to either of them whatsoever, because the next moment there lips were clashing and his hands were trailing everywhere and doing mind-numbing things to her logic. But logic didn't come in in their relationship, and perhaps that was what made it so much better.

"Draco, we're not going to last," was her halfhearted attempt at protest.

"Nothing lasts" he replied. "You just have to pick the things worth experiencing. Am I worth experiencing?"

She nodded.

"Good".

And then they were kissing again, but she still couldn't push back all the doubts running through her head.

::::::::::::::

Hermione had been purposely avoiding the topic of Draco Malfoy with Ginny since the night she had lost her virginity, but as more that time passed the more the guilt of not bringing it up and telling one of her best friends was eating her alive.

Thankfully, she wasn't the one that had to bring it up.

"How are things with Malfoy?" asked Ginny.

Hermione noticed the feeling of her cheeks growing pink, and judging by the smug expression on Ginny's face, she had noticed to.

"Oh my god" Ginny exclaimed, grinning even wider. "You fucked him, didn't you?"

She was sure that her cheeks were now as red as Ginny's hair. "Classy, Ginny".

"Answer my question" the redhead demanded. "Now".

Hermione sighed before letting a weak, "Yes" escape her lips.

"Was he good? How did it happen? Where did it happen? When did it happen?"

"Slow down" Hermione scowled at her. "Yes, he was good. And, well we were arguing and then things kind of got a little... Heated. Those were the only two questions I really caught since you were throwing so many at me at once".

"Do you regret it?"

She avoided saying that Draco had asked her the same question just hours prior. "Not really".

"You do".

"I care too much" Hermione explained. "I just...I worry that I feel more for him than it feels for me. I feel like the 'feelings' part is unilateral and I sure as hell _know _that this whole ordeal is going to end in tears. Because -

"Because he's Draco Malfoy, and you're Hermione Granger" Ginny finished.

Hermione nodded. "Something like that, yeah".

::::::::::::::

"Can you produce a Patronus?" she inquired one Saturday evening as they smoked outside. It had become tradition for them to do so.

He shook his head. "I've never been able to".

"Why? You're a brilliant wizard and it's not past your skill level. If Ron could do it you could".

Draco sighed. "I couldn't, Granger. What happy memories do I have? I've never been happy... not really. I haven't felt anything strong enough to do that level of magic with. I gave up on that charm a long time ago".

"I could teach you" she offered.

"It would be of waste of time, you've said it yourself, My happiness is a lost cause".

"I'm going to make you happy, eventually. And I'm going to make it so you don't hate yourself, also. You'll see".

"Why do you care so much?"

"Because you make me happy, something I couldn't seem to remember how to do before," she answered honestly, meeting his eyes. And damn she meant it. She felt almost whole, almost normal when she was around Draco. Perhaps it was because she could vent to him, or perhaps it was because she was beginning to feel incomplete without him.

He shrugged, wondering to himself why on earth Hermione Granger had chosen him over a tainted and solitary enemy over a pure and outspoken friend.

::::::::::::::

His lowest point was on the year anniversary of his mother's death on February 12th. It was worse than any of the bad days he had experienced in a long time, and even three bottles of firewhiskey and a cigarette failed to have any effect at all on his pain. So instead, he just cried.

No one had ever seen him cry, not really. Crying showed weakness and lack of emotional control, and weakness was not a part of Draco that he ever wanted to show anyone. So instead, he put on an impenetrable barrier around his true feelings; impenetrable to anyone but Granger. She had found her way through, somehow. And that was why he had locked his door today, so he could be alone.

He got out of bed and looked in the full body mirror near his dresser. He was ashamed of his reflection, ashamed because if he had just killed Dumbledore like he was supposed to his mother would most likely still be alive. His reflection looked so much like that of his father's. He didn't want to be like his father. He didn't want to have resemblance in anyway. He longed the reflection to go away.

Fuck it.

He forced his fist into the glass, shattering it into pieces. A couple of small shards caught in his knuckles, causing him to bleed; but he didn't care about blood. Bleeding was better than dying; or it was supposed to be. Dying sounded easy.

And in that moment, dying sounded like a good option.

::::::::::::::

"Draco!" shouted Hermione, pounding ferociously on his door. "Open up!"

She twisted at the doorknob and was surprised to find that it was unlocked. She looked around the room, scanning for him. She didn't see him at first glanced, but there he was. Crouched over on the floor with a bleeding fist, sobbing silently. Shards of glass were everywhere.

"What happened?" she asked, astonished.

"Would you just go away, Granger?" he snapped.

She raised her eyebrows and slammed the door behind her. "No".

"Fucking _leave_!" he shouted. "Leave before it's too fucking late! I'm my father's mirror image... Just look at me! Same sneer, same hair, same eyes! Fuck! Just fuck it! I'm like _him. _I'm a Malfoy, I'm destined to be evil and to murder and to -

"Draco" she murmured, sitting down beside him. "You aren't your father. You aren't anything like him! You're a good man. Just because you're related to him doesn't mean that you have to be evil or kill or anything like that... Now what happened to your room?"

"Nothing".

"Draco, why the fuck did you trash your room?" she asked, slightly more irritation discernible in her voice than she would have wished.

"I don't know, Granger! I don't know why I do anything anymore! I lost the only fucking person who ever cared for me at all! What's the fucking point of doing anything? I wish a Death Eater would finish me off so -

"It hurts me when you talk like that" Hermione murmured.

He sighed. "Granger, you should just... go. Get me out of your life, find someone worth your time. Find someone who doesn't lash out like this or drown themselves in liquor or take away your fucking innocence because they just wanted to fuck you".

"So that's it then?" she asked. "You just wanted sex from me, nothing else?"

His immediate reaction would've been to say no, to say the words had come out wrong; because that was the truth. But truth was wrong, and truth made things harder than they needed to be. and he needed to push her away; push her away before she got hurt, or killed, or anything else. He couldn't have anyone caring about him again. Because in the end, Hermione would most likely die just like his mother, and he couldn't bare to lose someone who cared again for he would once again be left with no one. Losing Hermione would be like reliving his mother's death.

So he decided to make the impact more severe. He decided to say things that would hurt her so bad she would walk away.

"_I don't want anything but to die, Granger_" he hissed. "Of course I just wanted sex from you! Why would I want anything else? I'm coldblooded... I can't love!"

She sucked in a sharp intake of breath, and then she left, leaving him there alone again. He hated being alone, but he was going to have to get used to it. But he regretted his words, and wished he could have at least been alone again due to something else beside his own mistake; anything but his own mistake.

::::::::::::::

It took Draco ten days to corner her, to get her to talk to him. "Granger".

"Don't talk to me" she mumbled.

"I - the words didn't come out of me right... And I was upset" he tried to explain. "I would've said so earlier but I needed to push you away. I needed to push you away before I lost another person who mattered to me".

"Save it, Malfoy. I don't want to bother with your excuses".

"I still hate it when you call me that," Draco mused.

"You call me Granger. You've only called me by my first name once when..." she trailed off. She had no wish to discuss her one night stand with Draco Malfoy to anyone ever again. "And you can stop pretending to care, too".

"I care".

"Prove it" she hissed.

They stood, glaring at each other in a standoffish manner for a few moments, but then, without warning, he came at her, slamming her down onto the kitchen counter like he had before and kissing her in the most rough, passionate way he could muster. She did not object. She didn't care if his words were true or untrue anymore. She had grown to need him. He was picking her up, removing clothing in a train along the way.

And so the argument was being finished in the same place it had began; the bedroom.

:::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

I have no idea why this chapter took me so long to write o.o um. but yeah it's here finally. Hope you enjoyed it. xoxoxo. also, so many ghost viewers that don't follow or review. it would be nice if u could leave comments? I would appreciate it a lot. thank you for reading, though it's appreciated.


	15. For Now

**Chapter 15 ~ For Now**

_"Maybe we were meant to be lonely, lonely  
Maybe we were meant to be on our own  
Loneliness has always been with me, with me  
But maybe we don't have to be all alone"  
_~ The Fighter by the Fray

They had fallen into a dysfunctional routine. They would talk for a while, perhaps kiss a few times, argue, and then somewhere during the argument end up falling between the sheets of Draco's bed.

But it wouldn't last. It never lasted. Simply because Draco would snap, or Hermione would shut herself away in an attempt to block him out. But neither one lasted long, and so would begin the dysfunctional routine again.

They knew it was a bad idea to grow closer to each other, to pull themselves deeper into the mess that was their complicated arrangement, but it didn't seem possible to pull away anymore.

It just seemed that they were made to kiss, to touch, to savor, to blossom... But how could they blossom in times like those? It seemed to be the precisely right thing at the precisely wrong time. That was how things always happened, though. Nothing seemed to just be 'right' then... Everything had to have some 'wrong' in it.

Running seemed logical. Running away from the war, from their relationship... From themselves. But somehow running seemed to work the way it was planned. Nothing seemed to work at all. Everything was dysfunctional. Their camp, their training, their relationship, their coping mechanisms... themselves. There were days when they just wanted to run away entirely, but yet they couldn't.

They couldn't leave everyone who needed them.

They couldn't leave each other.

::::::::::::::

"Why do we keep trying? Why do we keep doing this?" questioned Hermione. "I mean... Doesn't it seem more logical to just give up, or to let go? This will all just -

"End in tears" Draco rolled his eyes. "Granger, we keep trying because we need this now more than we need anything else. We keep trying because we both want this... And I think we still have a right to want things".

"You said just weeks ago there wasn't room to want things".

He shrugged. "You have... changed my views. You've changed a lot of things for me".

He cupped her face in his hands and was reminded how small; how fragile she really was. And yet, she wasn't fragile at all. That was one of the things he admired about Hermione, she had a strong personality despite her petite stature. Her eyelids fluttered when he ran his thumbs up her cheek bones tenderly.

"You've changed a lot for me too" she replied, meeting his eyes. They seemed to be softer each time she looked into them, but she thought it could have been her imagination. "I just can't help but think about the consequences of all this... We're creating a mess".

And he knew it was a mess, too. But it was a beautiful mess. It was a mess that helped take away the pain, and was his healthiest coping mechanism. For some reason, he knew he wouldn't be able to clean it up, no matter how hard he tried.

:::::::::::::

"We need spies" said Draco at one of the Order meetings. "And we need them quickly. The other side has spies, and I think it's safe to say that we're not going to make any progress whatsoever if we remain in the dark".

"Spying is too dangerous, it's putting our life on the line" argued Ginny. "And the last thing we need is more people dying. Soon enough, we're all going to die out".

"I'll do it" Hermione offered. "I mean, it's obvious they don't care if their recruits are Muggleborn or not anymore, and I'm not going to be modest and say I'm not extremely skilled. I'd be willing to do it... Just to save more lives, to give us information".

"No, Granger" growled Draco firmly, flashing a cold stare in her direction. "Absolutely not. You're not risking your life".

"Draco for God's sake! We need a spy and I'm offering you can't decide who does the job, we just need someone _to _do the job".

"You're not doing it" he shook his head. "Not without me, anyways".

"I don't want you to do it!" she exclaimed, raising her voice slightly. "You can't-

"Exactly how I feel!" he shouted. "I can't just sit back here while I know you're out there in danger like that! I'm going with you whether you like it or not, Granger. I'm not just going to sit back here and worry about whether you're okay or not!"

He was surprised at how easy it was, forgetting the company of the room, just because of her. But the many stares that were flashed in his directions brought him back to the room full of people he currently inhabited.

"I - Draco... Fine, alright? You can go with me. But where exactly are we going?"

"Judging by the ambushes in Norway, they're there, trying to gather more followers. It's not a bad idea, either. Their army's twice the size of ours as it is and they're growing while we're shrinking" he answered.

Hermione pursed her lips. "I hate the cold".

Draco couldn't help but smirk. "Granger, in the scheme of things, the fact we're going to be cold doesn't seem so bad" he teased. Then, he whispered into her ear. "Besides, I'll warm you up".

She turned a faint shade of pink, causing his smirk to grow. "Not the time, Draco".

"Could you two be any more obvious?" Ginny rolled her eyes. "We all know you're shagging but you don't have to announce it to the world".

"Yeah, we don't have to see it" agreed George.

"Why don't you tell that to dear _Draco _who can't seem to manage to keep anything a secret?" said Hermione, glaring at him.

He put his hands up in mock innocence, but the smug grin on his face was undeniable. "My apologies".

She scowled at him once more and then said, "Alright, then let's get back to business".

::::::::::::::

Hermione and Draco sat at the water's edge in deep thought. It had been silent for a few minutes, and yet it was comfortable. The pauses between their conversations were never awkward, for they seemed to communicate without words; always knowing what the other was thinking.

"I never thought I'd have to go back" Draco murmured. Hermione turned her head to look at them, but he remained looking out at the lake. "I never thought I'd have to serve them again, but now here I am. Even if it's just pretend... It's just wrong". He shuttered.

"You don't have to, you know" she said softly, placing her hand in his. "You don't have to go with me".

He snorted. "Granger, do you really think I'd be able to survive in this hellhole without you there?"

"You might end up killing half the people here" she smiled.

"Might?" he grinned, raising his eyebrows. "I think it's near certain".

She studied him, meeting his eyes. "Are you okay?" she asked gently.

That question always got to him... So simple, yet it meant so much. It took him into consideration, which wasn't often done, or even said. "I'm coping" he answered. "I don't think I would be if you weren't coming with me".

"I'm scared, Draco" she confessed quietly. "I'm... I'm worried about what's going to happen to us. What if we get discovered? Or even worse, what if _one _of us gets discovered? There's just so much on the line and I wish that someone else had volunteered besides me".

"We just have to enjoy the time we have left here" he sighed. "I have a feeling things are only getting started, you know. But we're going to have advantage. We can feed them false information as we tell the Order members real information about the Death Eaters".

Hermione's eyes flashed to her wrist, and then to his. "Do you - do you think that they're going to make me get one, a mark?"

Draco furrowed his brow. He was suddenly worried by this matter. He had already ruined her so much, and though she had volunteered for the job he felt responsible that she may have the same horrible mark on her arm. "I hope not".

"I don't want one... It's ugly. It looks like it's glaring at everyone who doesn't have one and it's just.. It makes anyone seem evil".

"The wonders you do for my self esteem, Granger" he drawled.

She winced. "I'm... I'm so sorry I -

"Forgot yeah. It's fine. I know what I am. I hear it from myself all the time. It shouldn't be any different hearing it from you".

"You may not know it yet, but you're a good man, Draco. You're not as selfish as you tell yourself you are".

"I am" he argued.

"If you were selfish, you wouldn't have taken that curse for me, and you definitely wouldn't be accompanying me on this mission. You're a better person that you let yourself think... honestly. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself" she whispered, taking her free hand and stroking his cheek.

"I - I want to thank you" he said quietly.

She furrowed her brow. "For what?"

"For changing me. For giving me something worth fighting for... Something to be thankful for.".

She smiled a forlorn smile. "I'm thankful for you too".

Hermione pressed her lips to his cheek, but he did not let her lips merely go to her cheek. He cupped her face in his hands and pulled her lips to his. She flicked her tongue tentatively over his bottom lick. "Granger" he murmured. He trailed his mouth down her carotid artery, nipping at some places and licking at others.

After a few minutes of drowning in each other, though still breathing heavy, he rested his forehead against hers and let himself forget all else.

::::::::::::::

"Fuck this" he growled. "I can't find anything on the curse Dolohov keeps using. It's probably invented by one of the Death Eaters... Dolohov is too thick to invent it by himself... Maybe we should just run away, Granger".

"What?" she raised her eyebrows and looked up from the three-year-old news article she was reading about how the Death Eaters were still at large despite Voldemort's downfall. "Draco, you know we can't. That's so selfish and so wrong".

"You know what else is wrong? Killing. We do plenty of that here. I just - I want it to just be _us. _No outside world, no reality... Just us".

She sighed. "You really hate it here, don't you?"

He let out a bark of laughter. "That's a bit of an understatement, but I hate it everywhere. I hate it with the Death Eaters, I hate it in my own head..."

"Then how would running away solve anything?" she asked, exasperation apparent in her tone. "You just hide from your problems. Cowering away isn't the solution to everything! You know that by now, surely? Yes, Draco it would be nice it was you and I and nothing else but that's not reality".

"Who's the fucking realist now?" he muttered under his breath.

"You were the one who told me to be a realist in the first place" she snapped. "Now get back to your research there's stuff that has to be done-

"Well I'm sorry I'm not some sodding Gryffindor who can handle anything like you! I don't want anything to be real anymore! I don't want to go back to them, to the Death Eaters, even if it's all pretend!"

"You didn't have to agree to come with me!" she shouted. "You didn't! You could have stayed here and done research and defensive magic but you volunteered! If you didn't want to go you should have-

"_I'm only going where you're going!_ Can't you see that?" his breathing was heavy and his shoulders were tense. "And I don't want _you _to be there either! You're going to see things that'll scar you for the rest of your life. And what if they mark you? What if you're stuck with this damn thing?" He rolled up his sleeve slightly, exposing his branded forearm.

"I'm a grown woman I can make my own decisions and I want-

"I don't give a _shit _what you want" he spat. "I just want you safe and well and away from all this war shit. I'm not letting you leave. I'm going to do it because I said I would but you can't leave".

"So you said you wouldn't be able to survive without me here, correct?" she questioned. He replied with a curt nod. "Well what if I feel the same way, Draco?"

"You shouldn't!"

"I'm well aware that I shouldn't, you selfish prat but I do, so you just need to deal with it!"

"Why me?" he asked, running his hands through his hair. She recognized this action, he always did it when he was stressed. "Out of all the people you could chose from that would be stable... Why me?"

"I couldn't explain it if I tried" she murmured. He snaked his arm around her waist and pulled her to him, speckling kisses everywhere he could reach; all except for her lips. "I'm still mad at you, you know".

He shrugged impassively. "What else is new, Granger?"

::::::::::::::

"Why are you two going together to spy?" asked Ginny. "Why don't you go on your own?"

Hermione scowled at her friend. "Just because you don't have Harry anymore doesn't mean you have to criticize my relationship with Draco, Ginny. It's not - it's not what it seems".

"Relationship?" the redhead snorted. "Hardly. You two just shag".

"Like you would know" Hermione rolled her eyes. "We talk a lot, actually... And we've only been, um -

"Fucking" Ginny inserted.

Hermione scowled but ignored the comment. "For a couple weeks now... Before that we would just talk".

"And snog".

"Yes, and that" she agreed.

"What is it you see in him, Hermione?"

Hermione thought of Draco and thought about it was more of 'What isn't you see in him?', but figure it would certainly sound too mushy aloud so she decided to answer the simple facts. "He's a redeemed man. He went out of his way just to change all our opinions of him and turn his life around. He saved my life, Ginny. And... He's just... There's something about him".

"Like he's good looking?"

The brunette blushed. "Well, that's just a little upside to it that's not why I..."

"I know" said Ginny. "I was just teasing you. I don't hate you two together, either. I think... I think you guys seem a lot happier together. I jut don't want you to get hurt because in the end you'll get torn apart, somehow. I mean, me and Harry did".

"Harry comes and go, Gin. He'll be back".

The redhead sighed a sad, longing sighed. "I hope so".

::::::::::::::

Draco marked off the day on his calendar each day, counting down until March 20th. They only had four weeks left, and suddenly life at their camp seemed so much more vivid and calm than before.

It was beginning to warm up a bit, though not as much as he would like... He just had to wait until March for that, he supposed. But still, him and Granger seemed to spend a lot of time walking as February came to a close, whether in silence, hand-in-hand, debating trivial things or conversing they were always content.

"I'm going to miss it here, you know" Hermione mumbled on one walk. He tightened his squeeze on her hand, perhaps protectively. "I'm going to miss it so damn much".

"I am too" he mused. "And that says something, because you know how much I hate this place".

She laughed quietly, though there was nothing funny whatsoever in what he was saying... It was more just the way he was complaining about it. "You whine a lot, Draco" she pointed out. "You're always complaining about something or other".

"I don't always complain about everything -

"Don't lie" she grinned. "You do".

He scowled. "You're complaining about me right now".

"I'm not, actually" she countered. "I - I like that about you. It's part of your character. You're an ass, but I like it".

"Are you trying to help my ego or to wound it?" he questioned, furrowing his brow. "I can't seem to tell at the moment".

She shrugged. "Take it however you want".

"I don't think I've ever met a witch like you".

"Good or bad way?" she inquired.

He smirked and repeated her words. "Take it however you want".

::::::::::::::

"Draco" she whispered between their frantic kisses. Every kiss was desperate now, always craving, always wanting. "We really should be working..."

"Shut up" he growled, slamming her up against the living room wall and pinning her wrists above her head.

She let a dulcet sigh when he bit at the tender spot behind her ear. He had worked to memorize each and every spot that set her off, just in case she tried to work her way out of it, the way she trying to now.

"I can't right..." she moaned when his hand slipped beneath the hem of her underwear and began rubbing at her most receptive point. "Oh God".

"I win" he muttered, now slipping a finger inside her. She tugged at his hand in a halfhearted attempt to push him away. "You're so twitchy today".

"Because we're _supposed _to be working" she reminded him. "And we'll wake everyone. Besides, we're in the living room and Luna or anyone else could walk in on us at any moment if we aren't careful".

"I don't give a shit" he hissed, toying at her with his fingers again. She let out an unwilling moan. "And to me, Granger, judging by the fact that you're as wet as it is outside right now, it doesn't seem like you care much, either".

She frowned. "There's a different between feeling something and acting on it-

He clicked his tongue on the room of his mouth and smirked, pressing his lips to her neck again and unzipping her jeans. "And as the old saying goes you should erh - 'Follow your heart'".

"You're a man, I think you're listening to your cock more than your heart".

Draco raised his eyebrows and began to laugh a lot harder than he had in a long time. She smiled. She liked it when he laughed. He looked younger, he looked untroubled. "You know, you could do with being a little more blunt" he murmured, still chuckling.

"Well it's true" she blushed.

"Perhaps it's just that you're extremely attractive" he drawled, pinning her against the wall again and grinding against her. She sucked in a sharp breath. "And perhaps it's that I _want _you".

"Want versus need, Draco. We _need _to get this research and training done and we _want _to have sex, it's-

He shut her up in the only way that was effective, with his mouth. His hands were working at removing his own shirt and hers, trailing them everywhere. The undersides of her breasts, her rib cage, her inner things, her behind... She liked that. She loved his barely-there caresses and the kisses he trailed behind his hands. She liked the feeling of empowerment she got whenever she ground against his erection, despite the fact she was inexperienced. She liked a lot of things about Draco that she was sure no other man would ever be able to live up to.

"On the contrary, Granger" he muttered, biting at the skin just above her breast and trailing hot, open-mouthed kisses down her torso. "I think you need it very much".

She became nervous and began to squirm as his lips trailed below navel. "Isn't that a little...?"

"What?"

"It's embarrassing" she said sheepishly.

"By the time I'm done with you, you won't remember your own name".

And when he pressed his tongue against her, she was quite sure that he was right.

::::::::::::::

For the second time, they had fallen asleep together.

Usually, they would part their ways after setting the sheets on fire, but this time they had fallen asleep together on the couch they had ended up on, wrapped in only a blanket. Hermione secretly loved the feeling she got when she awoke in his arms. She felt safe, content... Two feelings that were growing more and more rare. She pecked the tip of his nose in an attempt to wake him up after looking at the clock; six o'clock in the morning. "Wake up, Draco" she murmured.

He grinned, but didn't open his eyes. "That doesn't sound very appealing. I think I'd rather stay here".

"Well people are going to see us and-

"They can see us all they want. I don't give a damn. Let them have their little view".

She glowered at him. "That's disgusting, and you are absolutely insufferable".

He opened his eyes to meet her gaze and raised his eyebrows. "And yet here you are, lying in my arms without a trace of clothing on. Funny how that happens, Granger. You must have fallen by accident".

She laughed reluctantly. "You're a git".

He bit his lip, obviously thinking of saying something. "You know, we should sleep together more often".

She frowned.

"No, not in that way... I mean like erh - entwined like we did after last night. You know? It's better that way... It makes waking up more tolerable".

"Yes, it does" she agreed. "But... How does it for you?"

He shrugged. "I guess I don't feel so alone".

"I feel alone, too".

"Maybe we don't have to be alone, then".

She smiled. "Maybe we don't".

But behind the smile, Draco knew that he would end up alone again someway or another. He knew that they would end in the worst way possible. He had learned to expect the worst in war. But he couldn't restrain his happiness, which he was beginning to despise.

Happiness only set him up for loss of it, in the end.

He smiled a sad, longing smile and said, "For now".

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

That chapter ended up a lot more inappropriate than I meant it too... cx  
Not that anyone is complaining. After all, Dramione smut is the best kind of smut.  
Thanks for following to people who actually take the time to do so, and reviewing  
But if you read it's very much appreciated too.  
xxoo


	16. Rain

**Chapter 16 ~ Rain **

_"Searching to find myself, but all I find is you  
__I can hardly stand myself, so what am I to you?"  
_~ Every Night by Imagine Dragons

The hail was beginning to turn to rain as spring began to come. Some of the trees even began to sprout leaves. But the world was still grey and damp, and it still was a sad sight to see. It was as stormy as the current happenings in it. But then again, that seemed to be how it always went. The moist air made their living quarters near as cold as it was outside.

"Fucking hell it's cold in here" Draco complained, throwing another blanket over himself. He was spread across the sofa lazily and reading a book on potions and their antidotes.

"Just wait until we're in Norway," uttered Hermione bitterly. "I can't say I'm the least bit excited for that... And Draco, you know how to cast a spell for God's sake, you don't have to sit in the cold".

He shrugged. "I kind of like feeling cold... it reminds me that I'm still alive".

"What if we aren't alive?" she murmured thoughtfully, looking out the enchanted window at their stormy surroundings. "What if this is all a dream?"

"Nightmare" he corrected automatically. "And I'd almost rather it was... Then I could just wake up and none of it would've been real".

"I wouldn't want to erase everything" she said quietly. "I would want to keep - to keep some things in my memory".

He planted a light kiss on her forehead. "I wouldn't want to forget you either, Granger".

::::::::::::::

Hermione groaned in frustration. "I can't fucking light my cigarette in this rain".

"I really wish you'd never smoked one of those things" Draco frowned. "And well there is more to do out here".

She raised an eyebrow. "Like?"

"We could go for a swim" he suggested, shrugging.

"It's too cold to swim".

He rolled her eyes. "Gryffindor bravery at it's finest".

::::::::::::::

It was the first battle they were fighting in for a while; an ambush in Hogsmeade. It was horrifying, really; seeing the place they had visited cheerfully back in their schooldays. But schooldays were over now. Schooldays had been over for a long while.

That was proven by the fact that Draco was dueling, ironically, Theodore, whom he had come to that very place with so many times on weekends. "So I heard about you and your Mudblood," Theodore cackled. "Am I correctly informed that you're with Granger?"

Draco looked at him coldly. "I wasn't aware that any of this was your business, Nott".

"Have I touched a nerve?" the other Slytherin smirked, aiming yet another hex at Draco, which was repelled away with a lazy flick of his wand.

"I'd say so. I care about Granger, see" Draco replied coolly. "But you Death Eaters seem yet to have learned the definition of the word 'care'".

He stopped briefly to think about when Theo had gone wrong. But Draco quickly came to the conclusion that he had been destined into the wrong cause; he after all, was a Pureblood. And unfortunately, most Purebloods shared the same belief system. But he couldn't help but mourn for the friend he had joked with in the common room and laughed with over breakfast.

"Oi! Granger!" shouted Theo. Hermione turned her head. "_Crucio_". _  
_

Hermione let out a shrill scream and collapsed to her knees. "Nott I will fucking kill you!"

"Do it then or I'll keep making pretty here dance".

"I don't want to kill you, Theo. We were friends... Just please, please leave her alone. I don't want to be forced to kill you".

But Theo did not release her from the grasps of the spell.

Draco had no desire to kill Theo, or at least he hadn't when he had first come here. But once he set a curse on Hermione, everything had changed. He felt an odd desire to protect her, and he felt physically sick whenever he witnessed her under the effects of the Cruciatus Curse.

"_Avada Kedavra". _

And if that wasn't officially showing what side he was on, he didn't know what did.

::::::::::::::

Draco was able to shake off the death of his father, simply because he hadn't cared. But to kill a friend had felt so... _sickening. _It had felt more wrong than anything else he'd ever done in his life, and damn he regretted it. He regretted it more than he regretted anything else he had ever done.

And Granger?

He couldn't look at her now. He couldn't look at her without seeing the death of the friend he'd grown up beside. He couldn't look at her without remembering what he had done. So he had shut her out, again; knowing he would let her back in. Fighting Granger was a pointless exercise for him, his attempts were halfhearted and never seemed to go as planned.

For the first time in three days, when he went out of his room, he saw her.

He had drank four bottles of the strongest firewhiskey in camp and locked himself away, cursing to himself and attempting pointlessly to sleep with no success. He was sleep deprived, depressed, drunk, and practically suicidal.

He was at his all time low.

"You're shutting yourself away again, Draco" she pointed out, some iciness audible in her tone. "You won't get anything done by doing that... It'll just make things worse".

"Maybe I don't care if things get worse".

"Draco... Are you... Are you going to kill yourself?" she asked weakly.

He didn't know how to answer the question. Yes, he had thought of death. He had thought of a lot of things after the battle as he spent time in his own head. The thought of suicide had crossed his mind, but only briefly. He hadn't planned of doing it.

"I don't know, Granger," he replied honestly after his consideration.

"I don't want you to kill yourself".

"I don't want you to give a shit!" he spat. "Look what happens to my friends who give a shit. They end up fucking dead, on the ground! Some friend I am. Damn it all to hell".

She stepped towards him, reaching out a hand to touch his face but he stepped away from the gesture.

"Don't. Don't fucking touch me".

"Please, just-

"_Don't touch me, __Granger. _Stop giving a shit. Because you know something about me? I only give a fuck about myself... obviously. Just fuck off, alright? Stop pretending to give a shit about me! You wouldn't care in the least-

Her eyes were filling with tears by the time she interrupted. "I do care about you! Hell, I shouldn't with the way you're treating me right now but I couldn't bare to lose you! Just please, talk about it" she pleaded. "I need you to tell me what's wrong".

"You wouldn't get it. You're a perfect sodding Gryffindor. You've killed once. You haven't killed anyone of importance to you. I've killed a friend, and a father... And hell, you, whatever you are, you're just fucking _begging _to be next".

"Draco you're not a bad -

He laughed a cold, mirthless laugh. "Just give up on me. I'm a lost cause! You seem to think that you can control everyone, how they are and how they act, but you can't control a single person so get the fuck over it!"

"_I can't do this anymore!_" she shrieked. "You walk all over me when you're upset! Don't come fucking near me, Draco Malfoy. Don't talk to me, don't think of me".

"Thatta girl, Granger" he sneered. "Now if you'd excuse me-

"And Malfoy" she added as she retreated back into her room. "Don't come crawling back tomorrow".

::::::::::::::

He awoke the morning after he had shouted at her with a pounding headache and a horrible feeling in his stomach that was a mixed of alcohol induced nausea and guilt for snapping at Granger.

He groaned when he got up from his bed, his head pulsating and making him dizzy. "I am never drinking again" he muttered to himself aloud, but he immediately decided that that promise was never going to be one he would live up to.

Draco went to the bathroom, pausing to look in the mirror hung on the wall in the hallway. He looked nearly as bad as he felt. Bloodshot eyes, disarray in his hair, pale, washed out color... He looked as if he were a ghost. He heard footsteps behind him and prepared to do exactly what Hermione had told him she wouldn't listen to.

"I'm sorry, Granger".

"I told you that if you came around I wouldn't accept it, didn't I?" she questioned.

He turned around, meeting her gaze. "I'm sorry... I was upset and angry and drunk-

"Draco, the drunk part could have easily been avoided but you, despite my frequent objects, constantly use alcohol to take away your pain. You didn't listen to me and now look where it got you".

"Hermione, I-

"Stop" she said when he began to lower his face towards hers. "I - I can't do this anymore. I can't stand watching you slowly kill yourself, not when I try so hard to do something and give you someone to talk to and all you do is lash out on me... I can't handle it anymore".

And then she vanished into her room as quickly as she had came out.

He could have sworn that he heard sobbing through the thin walls of her room.

::::::::::::::

Draco watched her intently from a few feet back from her. She was near the water, as she always was, smoking. She looked like she had been crying, as her eyes were swollen and red. He frowned when he remembered it was because of him.

He approached her apprehensively, his breathing beginning to become more shallow and quick as his nerves got to him. He came from behind her, standing next to her without saying anything for a moment. "I'm sorry".

"Don't" she whispered. He wasn't sure if the drops running down her cheeks were the rain or the tears, he decided that it was most likely a mix. "I - I don't want..."

"Granger... I know I'm a burden on your shoulders but I think I've grown to need you".

She sighed, meeting his gaze. "Draco, you're not a burden. It's just with all my stress it makes me feel so much worse dealing with yours, too. You mean so much to me and when you talk - when you talk like you did the other day, it pains me knowing I can't help you".

"No one can help me" he uttered. "Nothing can help me. But if anyone could, it would be you".

She shot him a tender, caring glance and lifted a hand to his cheek. She chuckled airily. "How come I can't manage to stay mad at you?"

"I'm irresistible" he smirked and she began to laugh; not an airy chuckle, a full on laugh. His smirk turned to a scowl. "Is it that hard to believe?"

"No it's just... I missed it when you were like this" she confessed. "You haven't been yourself lately".

Draco's lips parted for a moment, deep in thought. "No one's been themselves. You surely haven't, I surely haven't... Hell, even Lovegood seems to be a little more down to earth with all that's happened".

"I need an escape".

"Come on" he said, gesturing to the lake. "Let's go for a swim".

She raised her eyebrows. "Draco, it's cold and it's pouring rain! You have to be kidding".

"Live a little" he shrugged.

He removed his shirt and began tugging at the belt of his pants.

"Wha - What are you doing?" she asked, taken aback by his sudden lack of clothing.

"Swimming" he shrugged, diving into the cold water. It caused him to suck in a sharp breath and erupt in goosebumps, but it was somehow pleasant. He swam towards the shallow water and stood up. "Come on".

She stepped toward the water, obviously hesitant. But she had no time to hesitate before he had pulled her in by her leg. She coughed up the water she had choked on and scowled at him. "Not funny".

"On the contrary" he chuckled. "I think it was very funny".

She rolled her eyes. "Why do you want to swim anyways? Knowing you, your intentions are hardly honorable, and besides it's both freezing and pouring outside and no one in their right mind would want to swim in a lake at the moment".

"But I think you've forgotten, Granger" he paused so he could smirk at her. "That I'm not in my right mind, now am I?"

"Obviously, you're swimming in a lake when it's fifty degrees outside".

"And I assure you that my intentions are near completely honorable".

"What are they, then?" she questioned, stepping closer to him.

"I'm going to kiss you, and if it goes further from there then it is entirely out of my hands".

She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. "Actually, I'm pretty sure it is in your hands".

"Stop being such a downer" he murmured, snaking his arm around her waist and speckling light, open mouthed kisses on her neck. "Who gives a damn about my intentions, anyways?"

"I can't continue to sleep with you if you're going to push me away like you did last time" she whispered, placing a hand on his cheek so he would meet her gaze. "I can't do it".

"I won't".

"Promise me, Draco" she said quietly, a tone of pleading in her voice.

"I promise".

Hermione had never kissed someone while standing on her tiptoes in a lake, but she found the water against their bodies to be both pleasant and frustrating. The thinness of the stretched fabric between them made her both frustrated and fulfilled at once. She trailed her tongue over his lip, simply because she had learned over time that it drove him mad.

She then proceeded to nip her way down his neck and trace his muscles with her eager hands.

Acting entirely on impulse, she proceeded to wrap her hand around his length. It felt primal and empowering to be effecting him like this. He quivered at her touch, and hissed 'fuck' under his breath. She continued sliding them up and back down again, fully aware that he was in a place of bliss as he continued bucking into her.

"Shit, Granger" he rasped, pulling her hands out from the inside of his boxers. "I want to last a little longer than that".

And then his lips were over hers.

The contrast of the cold, dampness of the outside weather and the warmth of each other's body heat made each touch more warm and intense. He was pinching at her most delicate point in a practiced pressure that made her shake as he worked her out of her shirt and threw it to the shore. He nibbled his way down her chest and to her breast, toying with her nipple with his tongue; she moaned and hissed 'now'.

He smirked. "If you insist".

He pulled away her sweatpants and his boxers, leaving them completely bare in the water.

He entered her near immediately when they began dueling with their mouths again, picking her legs up and wrapping them around his waist. She noted internally that this was most definitely going to become routine, and that she couldn't give a damn if she wanted to.

She began to rock herself back and forth in time with him, something she had yet to do. She felt him hiss into her mouth, and then his hands were _there _again. She released a melodic whimper.

She was beginning to shake, and quiver, and contract all at once. He could feel her unraveling around him.

But that was okay.

Finally, she was gone, at her highest point; the climax. The only sound in her ears was her own heavy breathing, the slaps of their skin, the movement of water and the dropping of the rain. And soon, he was gone too.

In the afterglow, they remained there, foreheads pressed together.

:::::::::::::

She had stormed into his room later that day looking distressed and unnerved. "I can't do this anymore, Draco!"

He furrowed his brow, looking away from the mirror in which he had been fiddling with his hair in. "What?"

"I can't!"

"Was it really that bad? I thought that was the best yet but -

"I can't fucking pretend that this isn't more than attraction!" she blurted heedlessly, and slightly louder than she had plan. Careful to lower her voice, she began to ramble. "And I know that that's a deal breaker for you because you aren't the kind to have feelings, but I - I just thought you should know".

He met her eyes, a deep affection there that she could see.

"And... It's stupid, and wrong, and dysfunctional, but... I like what we have" she confessed weakly.

He strode over and placed his hand on her cheek, tracing from her jaw to her brow bone. "How can something so wrong feel so right?" he mused softly.

"I've been asking myself the same thing... and I'm sorry if I'm wrong, but this mean... Does this mean you feel the same way? That - that we aren't just, you know-

"Shagging" he finished the sentence for her. "And I believe it does, Granger".

She drew her face so near to his that she could feel his breath on her cheeks and his eyelashes on her forehead as he blinked. "You can't run away from me anymore... ever. And you can't lock yourself away when you're depressed. Also, if you could stop being a git majority of the time that might help t-

He always knew how to keep her quiet. Her had learned.

The kiss he had planted on her lips lacked intentions and demanded nothing. This was the first time in all the times their lips had met before that he noticed just how soft her lips were.

When she finally broke from the kiss she sighed a sad sigh.

"What?" he inquired.

"We leave in six days".

He was unsure what to say, so he said nothing on the subject. "Get some rest, Granger. It's late".

"Goodnight, Draco" she murmured.

"Goodnight" he replied quietly.

Then he locked his door again and began to release his silent sobs.

They wouldn't be safe there.

She wouldn't be safe there.

The Order wouldn't be safe there.

Everything would be at stake in merely a few days.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

Yay I'm proud at myself because I tend to update fairly quickly. Lots of sex scenes in the past few chapters but unfortunately they will become less frequent when they go back to their role in the war. -sigh-

xxoo


	17. Nargles

**Chapter 17 ~ Nargles**

_"So I put my faith in something unknown  
__I'm living on such sweet nothing  
__But I'm trying to hope with nothing to hold  
__I'm living on such sweet nothing"  
_~Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris

It was funny, really. How essentially, nothing had really changed. They had not gone any farther, for they had already gone as far as they could go. They had not changed the subject of conversation, done something remarkable together, fought... they had stated the obvious.

It was well apparent that their 'silver lining' was far beyond the realms of physical attraction, but both Hermione and Draco were before too proud to admit that there was anything else there; like that essential spark. But Hermione had decided that there was no such thing as 'pride' left in the world. She had slept with Draco Malfoy outside of a relationship multiple times, and she didn't regret it. If that wasn't losing all sense of pride, she didn't know what was.

She had lost hope that they would be functional, she had lost hope that they would work at all, but she knew they could be something.

And in a time where there was nothing, something was enough.

:::::::::::::

"How do you feel?" asked Draco.

It was around midnight, so her instinctive answer would've been to reply with a simple 'tired', but she knew that wasn't what he meant. No, it wasn't what he meant at all. He was asking her how she felt emotionally, how she felt about the coming changes. _  
_

"I'm alright" she lied.

He shook his head. "I know you well enough by now... A little too well, I might add, to believe that you're alright".

"I'm - I'm not alright. But I'm used to it. I'm just numb to the idea by now. The sad thing is that risking my life has become ordinary, not the change. The change is... fine, I suppose" she sighed before meeting his gaze again. "Are you... alright?"

He snorted. "Practically dancing. My joy is uncontrollable".

"Draco".

"No, I'm not alright, obviously".

She frowned. "You're being an ass again".

"I'll always be an ass, Granger" he smirked, causing her frown to only deepen.

"You piss me off".

"That's because you're an irritable bitch half the time" he rolled his eyes.

She groaned. "We're arguing again".

"You're acting like you're surprised" he drawled.

She flashed him a somewhat reluctant grin. "Not in the slightest. But do you want to - to talk about it?"

"What is there to talk about?" he replied tonelessly. "I'm pretending to serve the cause that killed my mother, that killed my companions here, that tortured innocent people, that lost me my father... I think we've already established all that. I'm not thrilled about this... And don't tell me that I don't have to go, because I do have to go. You're going".

She bit her lip.

"Spit it out. You always do that when you're nervous".

"Why - why me?" she asked sheepishly.

"What do you mean, why you?"

"Out of all the... women here why -

"Granger, we are not having this conversation" he interjected stiffly. "I'm not going to sit here and profess my undying love for you and serenade you, that's not what I do. Just - just remember that your erh - feelings are shared".

She smirked, "That must have been terrible for you".

"Dreadful" he agreed, returning her smirk with his own.

She didn't express her following thoughts aloud; She was getting to him.

He was opening to her, slowly, sure. But it was still progress.

::::::::::::::

"Are you seriously going to lay on the couch in fetal position on your last day here, Granger?"

She shot him a glare, but did not move an inch. She didn't even dare to blink, to move an eyebrow, to do anything.

"How can I get you to move that won't end in you hexing me?" he asked, getting down on his knees in front of the couch so he was face to face with her. It was more of a rhetorical question, and the answer was clearly 'absolutely nothing'. "Or, not hexing me so badly that I'll end up seriously injured".

"There isn't a way" she mumbled darkly, pulling her blanket further up on her body. "I refuse to get out of bed".

"Funny" he grinned. She was still frowning, her brow furrowed in irritation. "The roles are usually reversed here, aren't they?"

She groaned. "Why do you care?"

"I just do. Believe me, it would be a lot more convenient if I didn't but I care that you're wasting your time laying down on the bloody couch doing nothing".

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

"Because I don't want you to be like me" he answered simply.

She studied him intently, scanning her eyes over his features. "We'd get along better if we were alike, don't you think?"

He snorted. "Hardly. One of me makes things hard enough. Two of me would just... well, end much worse than we're going to. You're everything that I'm not and there are some things I am that you aren't".

"Like stubborn".

He chuckled airily. "Don't even try to pretend you're not stubborn, Granger. You're worse than me".

"Leave me alone".

"No," he replied.

"Leave me alone".

"No," he repeated.

"I'm not happy right now and I don't feel like doing anything".

He groaned. "Just get up, please?"

"You're not very good at convincing people to do things".

"I think I could convince you to shut up, if I really tried" he objected confidently.

"Alright, than try me if you're so-

She was interrupted by a hasty, open mouthed kiss. He took out all his frustrations on her mouth, biting at her lip as hard as he could and keeping her glued to him. He eventually ended up laying on top of her, and eventually she forgot what was even wrong in the first place.

When he pulled away, her face looked entirely blank.

"I think it's safe to say that I win" said Draco confidently, pulling himself off her.

"Arrogant bastard" she muttered.

And she really meant it. She thought he was arrogant, and she knew he was a bastard. But she liked that.

She liked him.

"Now get up" he suggested, holding out a hand to help her up. "Come on, Granger".

Reluctantly, she accepted, pulling herself up only for his benefit. It scared her, that she was doing things for his benefit.

::::::::::::::

"What do you see in him?" asked Ginny abruptly on Hermione's final afternoon at their headquarters.

"I see... I see a changed man. He's rough around the edges but he's - he's just one of a kind".

The redhead nodded, studying the features of her closest friend before sighing in acceptance. "I'm not saying that I'm ever going to accept it, or approve, or anything close to that, but if he makes you feel happier than you usually do, I'll tolerate him".

"Thanks, Gin" Hermione smiled appreciatively. "Draco and I... Well, I don't know what we are exactly, and we're not functional but whatever this is makes me feel better. Like you did with... you know". She thought better then to speak of Harry in that moment.

Ginny's face was unreadable. "I don't want you and Malfoy to end like that".

Hermione sighed wearily and smiled a forlorn smile, "Neither do I, but happy endings aren't common anymore, now are they?"

::::::::::::::

There she was, wrapped in Draco's arms, both awake and fully clothed. It was easy the most simple and couple-like thing they had done to that point, and yet it felt so... casual. He was casually playing with a curl of her hair and she did nothing, simply breathing in his masculine scent that was beginning to linger on her now.

"I thought we'd fuck on our last night here" said Draco bluntly.

She twisted her neck so she could look at him, frowning. "What a classy use of phrasing".

He shrugged, "At least I'm honest".

"Too honest" she grinned. "I think everyone probably thinks we're having sex right now".

"Probably" he agreed. "But what does that matter? I think everyone here has taken far too much interest in our sex habits".

"You can say that again" mumbled Hermione.

"Life's going to be completely different, starting tomorrow morning".

"Very" she sighed.

Hermione couldn't help but smile when he pressed a light, lingering kiss on her forehead before they untangled themselves in order to fall into the restless realms of sleep.

::::::::::::::

The morning of their departure was perhaps the most stressful morning Hermione had ever experienced. But what she felt was nothing on Draco's agony. He was angry... absolutely enraged... he held it in, but she could see it.

Though their departure was inevitable, he tried to tell himself that it could change. He didn't want to have to look at the mark on his arm. He didn't want to have to pretend to be loyal to a cause that killed his companions, that killed his father, that twisted him into something he thought he'd never be. But none of that mattered.

He didn't want Granger to be there. He shuddered at the very idea of her being tortured, or being forced to torture...

"It's going to be okay, Draco" she murmured reassuringly, rubbing her hand in soothing circles on his back.

He raised an eyebrow. "How do you do that?"

"How do I do what?" she questioned.

"You always know when I'm depressed, or angry, or anything else" he said quietly. "You always do".

"I've been studying you a lot, you know" she said quietly. "The same way I study books. I'm trying to figure out how to tell when you're angry, or frightened, or depressed, or anything else... just so I can understand you a bit better".

"The great Draco Malfoy is never frightened" he smirked.

She scowled. "Would you do everyone a favor and shut up?"

"Never, Granger" he replied smoothly.

"Lovely".

He chuckled under his breath before swallowing and rearranging his features into a look of seriousness. "I'm - I'm worried about you. I don't want you to be branded or killed or anything else".

"I know what I signed up for, Draco. I'm okay with what could happen-

"Yeah, well I'm not" he interjected, locking eyes with her. "I'm not okay with it in the slightest".

"Draco you're just going to have to deal with it because I'm not going to turn back now we're about to leave and... and now that you're leaving I have to go, the same way you have to go if I go".

"If you didn't go I wouldn't go. Trust me, Granger, even dealing with you when you're being a haughty bitch is higher on my list of pleasures than going undercover and pretending to be a Death Eater".

She hit his arm with the newspaper she was holding. "You're such a prat".

"Did you just figure that out?"

"No" she answered quickly. "I knew that from the moment I met you".

He grinned, "Good. Just one question... if I'm such a prat, why do you care for me or sleep with me on a regular basis?"

"That will remain one of the greatest unanswered questions of the universe" she muttered in reply. "But Draco honestly... What's... What is it that's wrong? I don't want you to be upset".

"I've already spoken part of it. The rest of it should be obvious. I'll be sick with myself even if I'm just acting. It's against every fiber of my body to do this. And my father... Oh _god_ my father. I'm going to have to hear about his plans, his attacks on Muggleborns, his views on me. It's hardly going to be easy; but I've given up on easy by now".

"Easy's not realistic" she agreed softly. "It's like - it's like us. Dealing with each other is hardly easy but somehow it's worth it".

"Only I don't think that spying on the Death Eaters will be in any way worth it".

"Maybe you'll be wrong" she narrowed her eyes when the beginnings of a smirk spread across his features. "And don't you dare make an arrogant comment out of that, Draco Malfoy".

He scowled at her before continuing in a more businesslike tone. "So, here's the plan on what we do. We're going to Apparate to Sweden and we're going to make our way from there. It would be suspicious if we travel from right near their camp, since they don't even know we know where it is".

She raised her eyebrows, "We do?"

"I have suspicions" he nodded stiffly.

"Where are we going to sleep?"

"Lovegood's out getting us a tent somewhere right now. She probably went to some odd store and got us some oddly furnished one but at least it will be something to sleep in".

She nodded in agreement before nibbling her lip in hesitation. He knew she was nervous, this was a telltale sign. She was most likely going to say something that was outside the realms of comfortable conversation for them.

"Draco, what do you think this whole Death Eater thing is going to do to... us?"

He didn't reply for a moment, for he did not want to say that he had worried about the same thing. "I don't know" he answered honestly. "But I think as long as we obey their orders and keep it to ourselves we'll be find. I'm sure that Pansy Parkinson shags everyone there so it shouldn't even be different if we shag".

"Can you just call it sex?" Hermione blushed. "You don't have to use the word 'fuck' or 'shag' all the time".

He rolled his eyes. "Fine, Granger. It shouldn't even be different if we 'have sex'".

"Good" she replied, looking slightly less tense than she was before. "I don't like it when you say we fuck or that we shag... It makes it sound like I'm nothing but a convenience".

He snorted. "You're probably about the least convenient thing in my life".

"I have to agree with that one" she smirked.

"But it doesn't matter whether you're convenient" he murmured. "Nothing's convenient. Besides, I don't want some girl who will expect me to confess my undying love to her and ride off on a unicorn. That's not me... and that's not you either".

"Definitely not" she grimaced. "That sounds horrifying".

He chuckled. "It does, doesn't it?"

"You guys should get going" mused a dreamy Luna Lovegood from the doorway. "I got you your tent... Do watch out for nargles on the way".

Hermione's eyes welled with tears when she ran forward to hug her somewhat strange, but nevertheless, wonderful friend. "Thank you, Luna... and I'll certainly watch out for nargles".

And then she left hand in hand with Draco, tears still streaming down her cheeks.

Whatever nargles were, they were bad. So naturally, they were bound to run into many nargles on the way.

::::::::::::::

Their tent was small and cold. It was hardly luxury, to Draco's displeasure, but then again he didn't expect it to be. Luxury was hardly common anymore, and definitely not when on a journey for the Order of the Phoenix.

He was shivering, his own body heat not enough to keep him warm. The tent had no heating charm cast over it, and neither the thick tan blanket over him or the cozy couch that came with the tent were keeping him warm.

"Granger, I'm freezing" he complained. He frowned. "And apparently, I can see my breath. This is bloody brilliant".

"Stop complaining" she groaned. "It's not like I'm having a walk in the park either".

He furrowed his brow once he sat up to see where she was. "Why are you in the kitchen?"

"Making dinner" she answered. "Do you like macaroni and cheese?"

"I haven't had macaroni and cheese since I was ten years old".

"That's why I made it" she admitted. "I made it because I want to feel like I'm ten years old... even if it is just for a moment or two".

"Don't we all" he replied quietly.

He didn't know what caused the sudden well of affection for her in his chest, but he slowly paced over to her and wrapped his arms around her thin waist and nuzzled her neck. She giggled. "Draco, I'm trying to cook".

He shrugged. "I'm not that hungry".

"Just earlier you said you were hungry" she said, arching an eyebrow.

He chuckled and she felt her skin tingle when his breath teased her neck. Her skin tingled even more than before when he planted a light peck there. "Well now" he muttered. "I'm quite hungry".

"Is that all men think about?"

He sighed. "You are such a mood killer".

"Do you want shredded mozzarella on yours?" she asked, kissing his forehead before he took a step back away from her.

"Erh, sure".

He kept inside how thrilled he was to be doing something as simple as eating macaroni; it almost made him feel like a child again.

But he wasn't a child. He was a soldier.

::::::::::::

"Dance with me".

"I can't dance" she argued. "I'm about as coordinated as Hagrid".

There was a slow song playing on the radio, a song that Hermione rather liked, not that she would say so. She was born with a strong mental capacity, but unfortunately it came with the price of having two left feet.

"I'll teach you" he reassured her quietly, taking her hands and placing them around his neck. "There... Just keep your hands around my neck".

He placed his hands around her waist, resting them on the small of her back and pulling her to him. Her face was inches from him... Tantalizingly close. But he shook his head, reminding himself he had entered this situation with honorable intentions.

"What do I do now?" she whispered, looking up to him.

He grinned, "I don't have the slightest clue, Granger. I'm not much of a dancer myself. I just know the fundamentals".

"Isn't what you do somewhat important?"

"Let's play it by ear" he shrugged.

They began to sway slowly in time to the music. Hermione was surprised at how graceful he was, really. This made her self conscious, for she repeatedly tread on his feet or stumbled.

"You really are uncoordinated" he smirked.

"I told you" she muttered grouchily.

He studied her features, noting for what could have easily been the hundredth time that she was beautiful. But he had never told her. He had never had the courage to say anything. But then again, words were only optional or them. Most of the time, they could communicate by gestures, by looks, by touches... It was remarkable, really. _She _was remarkable.

He leaned down slightly and caught her lips for a feather light kiss with no intentions behind it, with no desire to simply float there, to exist.

To forget the fact that they were on their way to war.

But then again, they were already in it

* * *

**Author's note**

****stay lovely xoxo


	18. Ice Cold

**Chapter 18 ~ Ice Cold **

_"Baby close your eyes, don't open til the morning light  
Baby don't forget, we haven't lost it all yet  
All we know for sure, is all that we are fighting for __".  
_~ Syndicate by The Fray

As they moved further north, it only grew colder.

It was not simply the temperature, it was in life. Hope froze over, as did joy. Reality seemed to creep over them like a morning frost. The atmosphere was cold, dead. The world around them seemed to slow, and to almost disappear completely.

But still, they sat outside each night in front of a fire. This was simply on Draco's seemingly mad request; but he simply liked the snow. He like the way that it was beautiful but that it faded quickly and came rarely. He liked the way that every snowflake was different, because in his world, everything seemed to blend together and remain the same.

In a sense, they were like Granger; unique, haunting, delicate... beautiful.

"Draco" she murmured, her gloved hand in his own. "Are you sure you don't want to go back inside the tent? Night's falling and it's going to get even colder, if at all possible".

He shook his head. "Just wait a while. We've come up far enough north to see the auroras now... I've always wanted to, you know. It'll help take our minds off things around us. Just trust me".

"I do trust you" she replied quietly, linking their arms now. He could feel her shiver. "I-It's so c-cold".

"You can go inside you know... If you'd like" he offered, gesturing to the tent a few yards behind them. "I don't want you to freeze to death out here, who would drive me madly insane without you here?"

She swatted his arm before planting a light kiss on his cheek. He could feel her silent chuckles against his skin. "You can always make it go away, you know" she admitted tenderly, running her thumb over his cheekbone. "The pain".

"Where are the aurora?" he complained.

"It's cloudy".

His features seemed to rearrange into comprehension. "Sometimes beautiful things are hidden in the storm" he murmured, catching her eye meaningfully.

"Sometimes they are" she agreed, tightening her hold on his hand and her grip on his arm.

:::::::::::::::::

They were drawing close to the location of the Death Eater camp, and that seemed to worry her much more than it worried Draco. He seemed almost calm, but then she remembered what he had said the night that Ron had died. He could just contain it; but she couldn't.

"Granger, what are you doing? You've been pacing back and forth across the kitchen for an hour and it's driving me mad".

"I'm thinking" she answered in a somewhat muffled tone.

He groaned. "Well I'm trying to read and the sound of your footsteps is irritating me".

"Go in the bedroom then" she snapped.

"Well you're in a spectacular mood now aren't you?" he muttered.

"You're never in a good mood either, you know" she pointed out.

"I never said I was".

He stood up next to the couch he had been sitting on and they simply glared at each other in the same standoffish way that they always glared at each other.

"You're a bastard, you know. I'm trying to cope with this".

"Since when does walking across the room repeatedly and driving me bloody insane count as 'coping'?" he replied, raising his eyebrows.

"Maybe if you weren't so irritable you wouldn't care".

"Well that's bloody something coming from you" he snapped. "You're arguing with me half the time and the other half of the time you're driving me mad".

"Fuck off" she hissed.

And then she was up against the wall, his lips attacking hers in the same competitive way they had been fighting just moments ago. His hands were immediately doing what he knew drove her mad; skimming her rib cage and the underside of her breasts but denying her the attention she wanted. But he soon knew that revenge was very sweet when she pulled her mouth away from his to nip at a tender point near his Adam's apple.

"Not fair" he growled.

"Very fair" she breathed in reply.

Her hands began frantically pulling at his shirt, nearly ripping it. Once it was off and she shot his chest muscles an admiring glance, she began trailing her hands down his chest until he seized her hands and pinned them above her head.

Still breathing heavy, he rasped out, "Nice try, Granger".

She pulled away from him, twisting out of his grasp. "Now let's resume our argument".

"You have got to be kidding me" he groaned. "I will never understand your reasoning, Granger".

::::::::::::::

By the seventh of March, they reached their destination. The Death Eater camp seemed to be much different than theirs. There were large, grand log cabins and lots of training equipment.

She grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. "I'm not ready for this" she whispered.

He turned his head to meet her gaze. "You can do this, Granger... I know you can".

She bit her lip and nodded, restraining from saying anymore because she saw a Death Eater begin coming towards them. "Who is that?" she hissed. Draco shook his head, obviously just as unsure as hers.

"Malfoy Jr." drawled the Death Eater. He was a thin man with olive skin and sharp features. "I've heard all about you from your father".

Draco nodded stiffly. "I figured as much".

"You figured correctly," said the Death Eater. "I've also heard that you left our cause for the Order. We don't allow Order members here".

"Well that's why we hit a snag, see? Simply because we don't wish to serve for the Order anymore".

The Death Eater raised his eyebrows. Well now we can talk, now can't we? Here, I'll let you through the wards".

The still nameless Death Eater flicked his wand effortlessly and gestured for them to follow him, so they did.

Hermione tightened her hold on Draco's hand, and he could feel her shaking. She was tense and afraid, worried for what was going to come to pass. He knew her fears were only mounting, and he desired to say something to make her calm down, but knew that now, in present company, was not the time.

"Now here's how this is going to work. Dolohov is out today, and he's our leader currently. Tomorrow one of you has got to take Veritaserum".

"I will" Draco replied shortly.

"Good. You can stay in our guest cabin for now".

:::::::::::::::

The guest cabin was by no means spacious or comfortable. It was a single room cabin aside from the bathroom with two rock hard cots and a small fireplace. But at least they were alone.

"Luxury at its finest" drawled Draco sarcastically.

"What were you thinking back there with the Veritaserum?" she demanded.

"I'm an Occlumens" he answered simply. "Occlumens can lie under the influence of Veritaserum with enough practice".

She narrowed her eyes, and when she spoke it was slightly too slowly. "So you're saying you can thwart Veritaserum?"

"Don't you dare" he snapped.

"You swore to me you couldn't. You said there was no way you could have gotten out of the way -

"Don't you fucking dare, Granger. I'm warning you now".

"I'm not implying anything" her voice was slightly higher pitch than normal. "I'm just - just saying you told me you couldn't and you lied about that. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything".

He laughed coldly. "I know what you're trying to do, and I know it well".

"I'm not trying to do anything you just... there's a chance you could have lied on the tests we did. I know you didn't".

"God dammit!" he said loudly. "You would think that leading your side, becoming friends with the people I used to hate, moving past old prejudices, killing my father, and taking a fucking curse for you would be enough to prove my allegiance but _no_".

"Draco I'm not -

"_Shut up!_" he shouted. "I can't even believe you're doing this. You're - it's completely unrealistic! So you think I slept with you because I was a spy? You think I was trying to manipulate you to give me information? You think I lied on those tests?"

"I don't - I don't think that I'm just a little worried because you -

"But if you trusted me you wouldn't be worried" his voice was rising even louder now. "And another thing, Granger. Cut to the chase. You're beating around the bush and trying to make things better than they are. Spit it out, I'm an adult, I can handle a little criticism".

"I'm just cynical" she replied quietly. "I just... were you lying at first?"

"No, Granger!" he was still shouting despite her calm tone. "I wasn't lying! Do you think I would've killed my father for the Death Eaters? Do you think I would've fought in your battles and risked my neck just for the Death Eaters? Do you think that I would have ever slept with you for the Death Eaters? I _despised_ you!"

"Please don't be angry" she whispered pleadingly. "P-please. I can't handle to have you angry right now".

"Well maybe you shouldn't have made me angry, then! Easy enough solution to understand, especially with a brain like yours!"

"Draco please calm down let me explain".

She was crying now, but he didn't care.

"_I thought you would be the one person that trusted me!__" _he shouted heedlessly. The hurt in his voice was unmistakable.

She made a whimpering sort of noise. "I - I don't doubt you I'm just... I over think everything. You know that".

"If you trusted me" he paused and sighed, rubbing his temples soothingly. He was crouched over sitting on his cot, his elbows on his knees. He always sat like that when he was upset, she had noticed that. But it had never been because of her before. "There would be nothing to think about".

She sat down beside him and put a soothing hand on his back, but he shook it off.

"Don't touch me" he hissed. "Nothing I do is enough for you! _Fuck, _Granger!"

"You just - you didn't seem to want to be with the Order at first and I wouldn't be mad if you had thwarted it because I would know that you're genuine now".

"You wouldn't be mad?" he laughed humorlessly. "Don't tell me you wouldn't be mad if I were to tell you that. You hold things against me! You're still holding my past against me even after I fucking saved your life. Twice, I might add. And of course I wouldn't want to be with the Order! I hate most of the fucking people there and the hatred is very much mutual! But there are bigger things than whether I want to do something or not".

She simply stared at him, tears still coming. He didn't care. Hell, he wanted her to be guilty. He wanted her to cry. He wanted her to feel the pain that he felt.

"I underestimated how horrible the war was" he continued. "I didn't think I would be so - so upset, so scarred by it. And I would've ran, I would've left the Order after the first battle because I couldn't handle seeing people killed and tortured, or fighting my father".

"Then why did you stay?" she asked quietly.

"Morals" he answered simply. "And because of you".

"Please forgive me".

He shook his head. "I'm not going to forgive you for that, Granger".

"How can I make it up to you?"

"Time" he replied simply.

And then he lay down to sink into a restless sleep while she lay awake, wondering why she had doubted him in the first place.

:::::::::::::::

Hermione didn't like the morning after their argument. They always made up instantaneously, whether it was by means of passionate makeup sex or talking it out, but she was ignored each time she made a comment over breakfast, each time she tried to make him feel better, or talk to him in general.

Their silences had never been uncomfortable. They seemed to know what the words they were too afraid to say were being thought of, for things were better left unsaid between them.

But it was painful. It was painful knowing that he would be like this for a long time. It was painful knowing that she had hurt him.

His hurt was worse than he'd felt in a long time, and he wasn't sure why. He had thought that Granger had been the one person that had trusted him, that had relied on him unconditionally.

He had been right.

But still yet, he thought he had been wrong.

::::::::::::::

He was in no way ready for the Veritaserum test. He had never attempted to use Occlumency against Veritaserum, and he was in no emotional state to use Occlumency. But he had no choice. It was either him or Granger.

"Are you ready, young Malfoy?" snarled Dolohov.

"Very" Draco replied coolly.

Dolohov slid a cup of tea across the table, and Draco eyed it cynically.

"How do I know you're not going to poison me?"

"Well you don't, now do you?" Dolohov cackled maliciously.

Hermione furrowed her brow. She was tense, and more nervous than she'd been in a long time. Draco was putting his life on the line for this cause. If he was found out then they would be cornered, probably killed, probably tortured.

Draco shrugged, seeming impassive and took his first sip of the tea.

::::::::::::::

He had passed. It was difficult, and straining, but he had managed to pass. _What Granger must think of me now, _he thought, shaking his head.

But now was not the time to worry about Granger, or her opinion of him. The tasks ahead were worse, were far more difficult, and far more dangerous, and he knew that. Yet still, all he could think about was her conflict with him.

"Draco" she murmured as they lay in their cots in a petty attempt at sleep, looking at him in a forlorn way. "I... I am so sorry".

He sucked in a sharp breath. "Rest, Granger".

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"No" he replied.

So she slept.

She dreamed of when they were happier, when she hadn't hurt him. The guilt was eating her alive.

::::::::::::::

Hermione found her most surprising moment with the Death Eaters she had experienced in her short time was the day after Draco had even gotten them in. Pansy Parkinson had sat across the table from her at six o'clock in the morning as she ate her cereal and eyed her curiously.

"You're the Muggleborn from school?" asked Pansy.

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I'm not 'Mudblood' anymore? Funny".

"I grew up".

Hermione flashed her a sad smile. "Most of us had to".

"Why are you here? I would've never deemed you as a Death Eater in a million years. I hate being a Death Eater. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone... But my father forced me into it, now he's dead and I'm stuck" Pansy sighed.

Pansy had changed since school, and not just by her face. Her blonde hair had grown to her mid-back and her face was by no means as squashed. Her eyes seemed bigger and bluer, but yet they looked more sad and worn than they had in her school days.

"I know you're spying, Granger" said the blonde accusingly. "I didn't say anything because I support your cause now but... I know you're spying. You and Draco both. Draco's... changed".

Hermione smiled at the thought of his redemption. "Yeah, he has".

"What's going on between you two?" Pansy asked curiously.

"W-What do you mean?" the brunette stuttered, choking on her pumpkin juice.

"Oh please" Pansy rolled her eyes. "It's quite obvious that there's something going on. And you're blushing, by the way. I saw you two, you know... When you came into camp you were holding hands. Draco doesn't hold hands with anyone. Even when me and him were an item at Hogwarts he would never let me hold his hand".

"You two were a thing?" Hermione felt a foreign sense of jealousy she had never experienced apart from with Ron. She was almost afraid, afraid to lose him.

"Yes. I lost my virginity to him, you know, in sixth year. But after seventh year I never saw him again... He disappeared".

"Oh" said Hermione simply. "Yeah, he did. He was playing his father's pawn, or so he called it, until a few months ago... He left. He ran. He killed his father a few weeks ago but I'm sure you heard about that".

"Everyone heard about that" Pansy snorted. "No one would shut up about it, actually. I'm surprised they're welcoming him with open arms".

"He's an accomplished wizard" the brunette replied. "He could be of use, if he was actually working for their side. How did you know that he thwarted the Veritaserum? I mean... No one would just assume".

"He told me he was in sixth year. He wasn't supposed to but, he did. He probably forgot by now".

"Probably" Hermione agreed.

"He loves you, you know" Pansy said quietly, smirking at her knowingly. "I knew Draco for six years. It's written all over his face".

Hermione felt a surge of guilt run through her. "I don't know, Pansy. I just... He's hard to read".

"Of course he's hard to read, he's Draco Malfoy".

Hermione nodded in agreement but said nothing more on the matter.

:::::::::::::

Draco was smoking a cigarette outside the day before their first meeting. He couldn't feel his hands anymore, they were numb. _He _was numb.

"It's cold, isn't it?"

He rolled his eyes, knowing who it was without looking behind him. "No shit it's cold, Granger. We're in northern Norway. Of course it's going to be bloody cold".

She walked a couple steps forward, hesitantly standing next to him. "I wasn't talking about the weather, you know. I was talking about the world. The world's gone cold all of a sudden. Even though it's spring, everyone's feelings of hopelessness and despair make it feel like winter".

He said nothing, taking another drag of his cigarette.

Hermione noticed that his guard was up again, his expression a well practiced mask. "I miss you, Draco... And - And I think you should talk to me when you're ready. It's cold without you".

He bit his lip, but did not meet his eye, or stop smoking his cigarette.

She sighed, giving up and retreating back to their cabin.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

_Angst. Angst. Angst. There's a lot of angst in this chapter but next chapter will be less depressing. Sorry! Love as always xoxo. _


	19. Firelight Epiphany

** Chapter 19 ~ Firelight Epiphany**

_"And there will be a time, you see, with no more tears  
__And love will __not break your heart, but dismiss your fears  
__Get over your hill and see what you find here  
__With grace in your heart, and flowers in your hair"  
_~ After the Storm by Mumford & Sons

Draco and Hermione were first assigned on guard duty together their fourth night as supposed 'Death Eaters'. It was colder than it had been in a long time, or perhaps it just felt so because they lacked each other's warmth.

"The Aurora are visible tonight" she mused somewhat awkwardly. Draco nodded stiffly and she sighed. "It would be nice if you'd talk to me, you know. I know you're angry with me but..."

"Why would I talk to someone who doesn't trust me?" he replied tensely without looking at her.

"You know I trust you".

He raised his eyebrows. "Do I, Granger?"

She sighed and bit her lip. "I don't know what to say besides I'm sorry".

He chewed at his tongue, obviously irritated. "I don't want to talk about this. Can we just stand out here and do our duty? I don't really want to be bothered by you at all right now".

"Fuck" she hissed. "I'm about to get very irritated with you, Draco. And fucking look at me when I talk to you".

"Why?" he spat, meeting her gaze. "If anything, I should be irritated with you!"

"Just because I've made you mad doesn't mean you have to be a total prat and hold it against me for the rest of my life!" she snapped. "I've forgiven you so many times and for what? To have one mistake held against me! I can't even believe you".

"_Because you lied to me_!" he shouted. "You said you trusted me! Shows how fucking honest you are! I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be noble and forgiving and honest".

"Well Gryffindors are supposed to _brave _too. I'm going to be _brave _and tell you exactly what I think of you".

He raised his eyebrows. "You didn't think so poorly of me when I had you in bed with me just days ago".

"Fucking _listen to me_!" she yelled. "I think you are a self-righteous prat who is too cowardly to face his problems so drowns them in alcohol instead! You take out your anger on everybody close to you and you don't give a damn about anybody but yourself. You can't even go ten minutes without making a bitter comment! You are absolutely infuriating and disgusting and _vile_! I wish you'd never joined the Order and stayed your father's pawn for the rest of your life just so I never had to deal with you again and now I can't even get away from you because we're here on a mission _together_!"

"You're just mad because you can't accept that you, _perfect fucking angel _Granger, made a mistake on something. You fucked this all up yourself! Maybe I'm not as forgiving as you that's just the way I am, it's not a question of whether me or you is deserving forgiveness or not" he spat back.

"Well the way you are is _pathetic_!"

"I'm glad you think so".

"I don't think so, I know so".

"Your extended knowledge on every subject matter seems to extend everywhere except for the bedroom," he quipped.

"I hate you".

He felt a petite hand strike his face, and a stinging from the impact before he felt the warmth of her mouth covering his. It was by no means a tender kiss, it was full of friction and anger from their argument.

He pulled his face slightly away from hers, smirking. "Still hate me, Granger?"

She narrowed her eyes in defiance. "Always".

They were kissing again soon after, but it was more like a battle of mouths and teeth and tongue. He bit and tugged at her lip as he pulled her legs around his waist and stumbled clumsily to the small equipment shed near their guarding post.

He was working at the buttons on her jacket the moment they entered the shed. They had tripped and collapsed onto the cold brick floor, but they didn't care or take notice of it at all. The only sound was panting breathing as anticipation filled the air. After he had stripped her down to her underwear, his mouth was speckling kisses and love bites all across her body; her neck, her shoulder, her throat, her breasts... She moaned when he bit at a tender spot on her throat.

"I think it's impossible for you to hate me right now" he remarked gruffly as he helped her to remove his shirt. He slid his hand beneath her underwear and toyed with her most sensitive spot, earning him a quiver and whimper.

"Very possible" she managed to stutter.

He flashed her a devilish grin before pushing into her in one stroke.

They were not gentle like the times before. Every movement was fierce and passionate, he trailed nips across her body rather than his usual gentle kisses. Eventually, he pulled them both up from the cold floor and pinned her against one of the wooden walls, increasing the ferocity and pace of each stroke. She was shaking now, he could feel her erratic heartbeat when he sucked at a tender point on her throat. She wrapped her leg around his waist in a frantic desperation to take in more of him.

In order to gain some control, some dominance over him, she pushed him against the other wall of the shed and sucked at his earlobe. He groaned, showing her that she was indeed in control now. She returned his thrusts eagerly.

The pace, tension and intensity of it all could have easily set the entire campsite on fire, but their climaxes seemed to act as the water. Hermione began to shake gracelessly, but did not whimper, or make any sound at all. Draco hissed simply and then it was all over. Drenched in post-coital sweat and breathing heavily, they lay their, regaining their composure.

Hermione was the first to break the silence. "Does this mean we're...?"

"Yeah" he rasped out. "I guess it does".

She bit her lip, nodding. "I'm sorry".

"Don't worry about it, Granger" he shrugged. "You were right when you said you'd forgiven me too many times for me not to forgive you. Besides, I wouldn't want to hold it against you".

"Thank you" she whispered.

He pecked the corner of her mouth, and she smiled. "Not a problem".

"I missed you, Draco".

He sighed contently. "I missed you too, Granger".

::::::::::::

There were two things that could have ruined the bliss he felt of being in an arrangement, whatever the hell it may be, again, were getting punished and having to converse with Pansy Parkinson. Unfortunately for him, they went hand in hand.

Though him and Granger had slipped back to complete guard duty, there had still been sets of eyes that noticed their absence. The blonde, slender figure of Pansy walked in her normal elegant strut though the thick snow, and eventually made it to them.

"Dolohov is pissed, you know" sighed Pansy. "Says it's unprofessional; but I suppose spying is unprofessional too".

Draco furrowed his brow. "What the hell are you getting at?"

"Your girlfriend answered my yes or no question the other day... She also told me about your guys's erh - relationship".

"She isn't my girlfriend" he rolled his eyes. "And what relationship? Despite rumors on the contrary, Granger and I are not romantically involved".

Pansy snorted. "Yeah, then did your mouths fall together repeatedly? Are you two both the victim of a horrible seizure disease that causes you to snog?"

Hermione felt a sharp pain flood through her when Draco denied them as anything at all. It felt odd, being nothing to him, even if it was only in words to someone he didn't trust. _Words, _she reminded herself.

Draco narrowed his eyes. "Jealous, Parkinson?"

"Hardly, Draco. Loosen up. I didn't say anything about you thwarting the Veritaserum or anything else of the sort. You owe me a thanks if anything".

"I don't trust you" he replied coolly.

She sighed. "No one knows who to trust anymore. They pick and choose who to rely on, but tend to trust all the wrong people. Like the fools here, for example; trusting the Death Eaters and their cause".

Hermione spoke for the first time. "Draco, I trust her. She doesn't like it here like them".

Draco wrapped his arm around Hermione's waist once Pansy had turned away. "You have this very dysfunctional need to make sure and see the best in everyone, even those who don't deserve it".

"Pansy deserves it".

"She doesn't" Draco murmured, kissing her forehead and resting his chin on her forehead. "And neither do I".

"Why do you hate yourself so much?" she questioned. "I think - I think you're beautiful. Twisted, dark, cynical, unreadable, vague, and dysfunctional... But beautiful".

He said nothing, for his reply would have been too affectionate.

He couldn't show Granger affection.

Not when he knew it would just as badly as he though it would.

:::::::::::::

Eventually, after much trudging through the deep snow, they found their way into the cabin which held the main headquarters. Draco could feel Hermione shaking, probably from both nerves and the freezing cold; but he remained calm. He was not worried about Dolohov or anything that could happen to _him. _He was more worried about Granger.

Dolohov sat in a tall, luxurious chair. He gestured for them to sit in the chairs across from him and they obeyed, not daring to do otherwise "I have been hearing some interesting information around the camp of what happened on guard duty".

Draco raised his eyebrows, feigning innocence. "And what might that be?"

"You two were shouting so loudly that it woke half the camp, and then later connected at the mouth and stumbling into the equipment shed".

Hermione turned a faint shade of pink. "Sir, we -

"Shh!" Draco hissed. "Yes, you have been informed correctly, sir".

The Death Eater nodded, a look of approval set across his sharp features. "Very well. But Draco, I would've thought you would choose your company better. A Mudblood, out of all people? What would your father say?"

"Frankly, I don't give a fuck what my father has to say" replied Draco boldly. "And if I may remind you, sir, you accepted Granger into this whole situation so you should not be complaining about her blood status".

Hermione expected for Dolohov to be angry, to shout at them both and punish him, but on the contrary of her expectations he looked impressed.

"She's an able witch" said Dolohov. "Quite able... She has tremendous talent, from the things I've heard, as you do, Draco. Her birth is... unfortunate. But now, the two of you need to put your talents to the test. I need you to do something for me".

She had learned by now to let Draco do the talking, so she looked to him. "Anything, sir".

"We need you to go and ambush the Order. We are aware that the Fidelius Charm is in place and you can not speak the name, but you must go attack on your own. Is that clear?"

They both nodded, making no objection at all. But Hermione could tell by Draco's expression, that though he usually had a plan for everything, he had just drawn a complete blank.

::::::::::::::

Hermione Granger never thought she would find herself in a Death Eater's mask, and she certainly didn't think she would be in a Death Eater's mask sneaking through her old friend's territory.

"What are we going to do?" she hissed to Draco.

"We have to lie low. If they spot us before we can explain they'll start firing at us" he replied in barely more than a whisper. He shuddered. "I never thought I'd be back in one of these fucking masks again; and I certainly didn't expect to see _you, _perfect Granger in a Death Eater's mask".

"Times change" she replied quietly. They walked onward carefully, making sure their footsteps had no sound so that the only audible thing in the environment was the pounding of the March rain.

Suddenly, Draco froze and he drew his wand; she was unsure why until quite a few hexes came flying their way from the wand of Ginny Weasley. A '_Sectumsempra' _flew at Draco and he barely got his arm skimmed by it. He heard his shirt tear and felt a cut form on his upper bicep. "Fuck, Weasley! It's us".

"Prove it!" shouted the redhead from the top of the hill.

He flicked his wand lazily to both his and Hermione's masks, removing them quickly before clutching his arm. "I told you it was us! You didn't have to try to tear my fucking arm off!"

Ginny ran down, flinging her arms around Hermione. "I missed you".

Hermione chuckled. "I missed you too, Gin".

"Oh, how very touching" Draco rolled his eyes. "We don't have time for a friendly cup of tea, Granger, we need to explain what's happened and why we're here. I think it's safe to say that we're invited into the tent".

Hermione scowled at him but knew he was right.

There didn't seem to be time for anything anymore.

::::::::::::::

The headquarters of the Order had not changed physically. The long, wooden table was still in the same place, the kitchen was still unearthly neat, and the fire in the fireplace was burning as strongly as ever. But the atmosphere had changed. Before it had been lively, as joyous as anything in the present climate could have been; but it seemed even the Order members had lost their liveliness and spark they had once had.

Ginny returned to the room carrying a teapot and three teacups. She set them down on the table in front of them before sitting across from Draco and Hermione. "Well, what are you doing back here? I'm assuming things are going well if you're still in masks".

Draco nodded stiffly. "It's going well enough. Parkinson's on to us".

"Pansy Parkinson? The pug-faced one?" the redhead raised her eyebrows.

"The very same" he replied. "She hasn't turn us in, though, not yet. God knows Parkinson will, though... She's a schemer. I don't know what she's up to but whatever it is it can't be good".

"Pansy's changed" Hermione argued. "She didn't call me a Mudblood, and she didn't judge me for my relationship with Draco, and she didn't do anything else that was disrespectful or hostile... I think everyone's grown up a little".

"Of course she didn't call you a Mudblood!" Draco said loudly, slamming a fist on the table. "That wouldn't be part of her plan. She knows that you would hex her if she did, or that she would be hearing from me, which she doesn't want to. She's up to something. If anyone knows anything about darling Pansy, I think that it would most definitely be me".

"I agree with Malfoy" said Ginny quietly.

Draco raised his eyebrows, smirking. "I thought I would never see the day".

"I think that she's nothing but bad news, Hermione. I mean, you remember her at school -

"I remember Draco at school, too" Hermione countered.

He grimaced. "I was an ass, let's not bring it up".

"You still are an ass" the redhead pointed out, grinning.

"Yes, we know, Weasley" he snapped. "There's no need to point out the obvious".

"Can you two please stop bickering?" Hermione groaned. "And Ginny, stop picking a fight with him. He's obviously going to retaliate, I mean... You know the way he is! Just... please".

Draco attempted to cross his arms but then winced when he felt the wound on his arm stretch from doing so. It was still bleeding, but he had forgotten about it completely. He cursed under his breath.

"What's wrong, Draco?" Hermione asked quietly.

"My fucking arm" he groaned. "Is there any Essence of Dittany here? I could use some".

"We don't have any, and we don't have time anyways" said Ginny.

"So there's time to provoke me, but there's no time to heal the wound that you caused?" he arched an eyebrow. "Whatever, Weasel. But yes, down to business. We haven't found out much about the Death Eaters besides the fact that Dolohov is the current leader and that they figured out the Fidelius charm is in place. I think they know Potter is Secret Keeper, too. That's probably why they captured him".

"He's not" Hermione murmured.

Both sets of eyes shot to look at her. "What?" asked Draco in an incredulous tone. "Potter told me he was Secret Keeper".

"He was. He changed me to Secret Keeper a few weeks ago".

"Do you know how much fucking danger that puts you in, Granger?" he snapped. "You're putting yourself at risk to be tortured and... God fucking dammit! Change it to me!"

"No, Draco! Harry and I agreed that I would do it! He thought he was too obvious and - and I can't just betray him because he's not here and because you want me to be safe! Can't you see it? No one's going to be safe no matter what we do!"

"I know! That's why I don't want you endangering yourself even further!" he shouted.

"Malfoy, stop acting like she's a child" hissed Ginny. "Hermione's an independent woman and if you can't deal with it, don't be with her".

"I know she is. That's part of what I like about her. But I want her to be safe".

Ginny sighed. "You love her, don't you?"

His heart skipped a beat, and Hermione turned a rosy pink. "I just care for her. There's no room for love in the world right now. Besides, Malfoys don't love. We guard ourselves -

"And drink away your problems" Ginny added. "But I can tell by the way that you look at her... It's the way Harry looks at me".

Hermione had sunk down in her chair now, her face a deep crimson rather than the peachy pink it had been earlier.

"There isn't any room for love" he repeated. "None".

Ginny smiled a forlorn smile. "Dumbledore would've disagreed. I think it's great when there's a little love in the world while all there is is hate... It seems to make it a little more real again".

"I don't want it to seem real" said Draco quietly. "I want it to all seem like a dream... But later it's been getting realer, it's been getting more clear; I don't like it".

"It's a nightmare, remember?" Hermione asked, smiling the same sad smile as Ginny.

:::::::::::

They ended up staying the night with the Order, and later making up an excuse to tell Dolohov. Draco expected that the oaf would believe anything as long as Granger kept her mouth shut.

"You're too pure for lying, you know" said Draco over the campfire Ginny had set outside.

"How so?" she questioned.

"You're far too good of a person to be able to be dishonest".

She frowned. "Are you trying to insult me?"

He shook his head, grinning for a moment before inhaling on his cigarette and meeting her gaze. She noticed that his eyes looked almost... Alive in that moment. The firelight reflecting off of them was quite suiting. "No, Granger. I like that about you".

She felt an uproar of affection for him, so she acted upon instinct and lay her head on his shoulder. "I'm finding that I like more things about you than I thought. I don't hate you anymore".

"I'm impressed" his replied, amusement in his tone. "Very impressed indeed. Are you certain?"

"Well, I still dislike you" she chuckled under her breath. "But... part of me likes you now".

He smoothly wrapped his arm around her shoulder and grazed his lips over the top of her forehead, which was still rested on his shoulder.

Gazing in the fire, he thought that perhaps there could be a little room for some form of love, after all.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

hope this chapter was okay. I had severe writer's block for the past like 5 days so I'm sorry if this isn't good! xoxo thanks to everyone who reads


	20. Faith

**Chapter 20 ~ Faith**

_"Some call love a curse, some call love a thief  
But she's my home  
And she's as much apart for this broken heart  
But see, broken bones always seem to mend  
_~ The Devil's Tears by Angus & Julia Stone

Hermione was trembling with fear, unsure of what they were even going to do or say when they returned. Draco seemed to have an idea, but she was unsure on what it was and that made her all the more nervous. She clung on to him as tight as she could, as if an attempt to keep him hers, to keep him in her arms.

It was as if she didn't want to have to let him go, to have to give him up to them.

If they were to be discovered, she would want to be the one given up. She would pay the cost no matter what it was, as long as it was not losing him. She would chose death over imprisonment, death over the pain losing her loved ones would cost. Somehow, Draco had indeed become a loved one; and one of the most important, whether she admitted it to herself or not.

She had grown to rely on him, despite the fact she knew it was not going to be a long-term outcome.

In changing times, it was hard to rely on anyone. She had learned to rely on no one but herself over time, but yet somehow he had sneaked onto the lips of things she relied on. She relied on him to keep her happy, to make her feel safe; to make her forget.

But what would she do if he was killed and she had nothing left at all to make her forget?

::::::::::::::

The only sounds when they were inside the main headquarters were Dolohov's footsteps and the fire in the fireplace crackling. Draco and Hermione stood completely and utterly still, not daring to move at all.

"So you tell me that you can spy on the Order for us, Mr. Malfoy?"

Draco nodded. "Of course, sir".

"And you told me that Miss Granger here helped you in your efforts involving this?" asked Dolohov. "I must say, I am quite impressed with the Mudblood as of right now... She is not like the others of her kind".

"She's one of a kind, sir" Draco agreed, flashing a meaningful look at Hermione.

"I have heard that she was quite the Ancient Runes and Arithmacy scholar. We could use experienced witches in that feel, it would be helpful for decoding old, precious dark magic things... Hmm, yes".

Dolohov muttered to himself for a moment, though it was not loud enough to be discerned. He seemed to be considering, and they both knew that when a Death Eater was thinking it could not be any positive thoughts.

"Granger, I think you should be branded with the mark" said Dolohov finally.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Don't you think now is too soon, sir? Surely she should have more time to decide on this cause, to get used to everything and find her way in gradually... That's rushing it, isn't it?"

"She should not have to decide on this cause, for if she wished not to be a part of it she made a horrible mistake of ever coming into our ranks".

Draco flashed his eyes towards Hermione. She looked both horrified and in shock, obviously unsure of whether it was even real. "That's not fair".

"We Slytherins don't play fair, Draco. You of all people should know that. You, after all, are your father's son".

His steel grey eyes shot daggers at Dolohov. "Don't bring my father into this, Antonin. We both know that it will end badly. My father and I are not the same man. We are... very different".

Dolohov laughed coldly. "Are you sure? You don't sound so sure of it at all. You have turned your back on the Order who you left the Death Eaters for in the first place! It has taken great manipulation to stay in the trust of both of the two groups".

"My father cared for nothing or no one except for himself and his money" Draco argued. He could feel himself growing angry, and he could hear his voice rising. "I happen to have cared for some people, and some things, no matter how scarce they are".

"What have you cared for then?"

"My mother" he answered instantaneously. Hermione could swear she saw the fire in his eyes as clearly as she had when he was literally in front of a fire. "And also, I happened to have cared for Granger".

Dolohov snorted. "How touching. So is that why you don't want your dear girlfriend to take the mark?"

"I don't want her to be condemned to the life that I'm condemned to! I don't want her to be forced into something that she isn't ready for! Look what it did to my mother, she wanted nothing to do with the Mark and that lead to her getting murdered at the hands of her husband".

"Draco, can I talk to you?" Hermione asked sheepishly.

Dolohov nodded. "Yes, why don't you talk to _her, _Draco. Right now you're just assuming things".

"If we could have the rest of the night in private to think it over, sir, it would be great" said Hermione quietly.

Dolohov pursed his lips, considering the matter before nodding stiffly.

Hermione had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

::::::::::::::

Draco rolled up the sleeve on his shirt to show his mark the moment they entered their room again. "You see this, Granger? This is a mark. It's a horrible eyesore and it's damn uncomfortable. It means that you're _forever _connected to them, to their cause, even if your beliefs change".

"I know, Draco, but how is it going to look if I don't take the mark?" Hermione argued.

"It doesn't fucking matter! You've already lost so much of your purity".

"It's too late to be pure! I'm not a child anymore. I've seen so much, and everything has just changed since I was pure, everything has... It's not like I fancy it either but I agreed to do this for the Order, and I agreed to do this for Harry".

"You don't understand it, do you?" Draco doubled over on the bed, massaging his temples. "You don't understand at all how much this idea revolts me! It's just - it's just so fucking wrong!"

"You were the one who said there was no right or wrong anymore so many times!"

"Yeah will maybe I changed my mind!" he shouted. "And maybe I don't fucking want... Just nevermind, Granger. If you want to take the Mark, go ahead. But I will never approve, and I will never be able to look at you the same way. Every time I look at you, I'll see my mother's dead body... I'll see the fact that maybe I am like my father, and maybe I'll do the same to you".

"What don't you want, Draco?" she questioned, sitting beside him and massaging his back soothingly.

"I just don't want you to be like me".

He swallowed audibly, attempting to swallow the swell forming in his throat but afterwards a choked sob left his body. Hermione could feel him shaking, and she could see the hurt he was feeling in his eyes.

"You aren't a bad person, you know" she murmured.

"You told me I was just days ago. You doubted my word".

She sighed. "I know, I did. But you know the way that I over-analyze everything. Everything has to be exactly clear and flawless for me not to think about it... And you are flawed. But... I like the fact that you have flaws. It reminds me that you're real".

He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to her forehead lightly, rocking them back and forth. "And how do you feel about the mark? Are you willing and ready to have it engraved into your skin?"

"I'm not ready for it, but I was never ready to lose my virginity or be forced into a war, either. I just feel like you'll despise me if I have that damn mark on my forearm. I feel like you'll look down on me".

"I could never despise you, Granger" he admitted quietly. He could feel her laugh against his chest. He grinned. "Alright, well I could never despise you _entirely. _There are times where we definitely despise each other, where we just want to hex each other off the planet, but that's just the way we work".

"I don't think I'm going to take it" she murmured, looking up at him. "I don't think I'd be able to hold any respect for myself after I did... I don't think I would ever feel right. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing it everyday when I looked in the mirror. I'd hate my reflection".

"Welcome to the club" he flashed her a rather lopsided smile before arranging his features back into their former seriousness. "Do you think what he said was true?"

"What?" she questioned.

"Do you think I'm just like my father?"

She shook her head. "I think you look like your father. You two are practically replicas physically. Emotionally and mentally, you two are nowhere near the same. He used his time searching for power rather than searching to do the right things and to make selfless decisions. I think you two couldn't be any less different than you are, actually. You changed the course of your own future. You did exactly what he couldn't do".

It was only in that moment did he realize how truly amazing the girl in his arms was.

::::::::::::::

Knock. Knock. Knock.

The sound had been going on for a few moments. Hermione groaned and opened her eyes, not entirely aware of her surroundings. The first thing she noticed was that she had fallen asleep in the arms of a shirtless Draco Malfoy and that she was entirely content with that realization. Then, when she managed to open her eyes she noticed that Pansy Parkinson was standing slouched up against the wall.

"Breakfast is ready, you know... I mean, if you'd like to socialize with the _oh so_ friendly people here, then you're welcome to go down to Headquarters. But if you're smart, you'll just do what I do. I go down to breakfast an hour late so that I don't have to deal with any of those bastards". _  
_

Hermione smiled. "I think I'd feel better going down with you, thanks".

Pansy strode over to the rock-hard cot beside the one her and Draco were laying upon and took a seat. She gazed at Draco whom was still fast asleep before looking back to Hermione. "You'd almost think he was peaceful".

Hermione nodded, turning her head slightly so she could see his face. "He looks... younger. He almost looks content".

"He won't talk to me" the blonde sighed. "I wish he would... I don't think he trusts me very much. He doesn't trust anyone, though... That's just how he is. He's always been that way, and he'll probably never change".

"I can see he doesn't wake up easily, either".

Pansy smirked. "Blaize used to have to try to wake him up several times every morning at Hogwarts so he wouldn't be late".

"Well, I'm glad he hasn't woken up... He's so stressed out right now. He beats himself up over everything lately and I don't really know what to do when he does it... He just hates himself so much".

An unreadable emotion fell into Pansy's eyes. "You really love him, don't you?"

Hermione thought for a moment. "I can't describe the way I feel about him, or how I feel around him, either".

"Then you love him" Pansy nodded. "I used to love him too, you know... I loved him all throughout school. I was devastated when he went missing a few months ago and it was only then when I realized this whole 'Death Eater' thing is entirely wrong and illogical".

Hermione narrowed her eyes, the familiar jealousy returning now. "How do you feel for him now?"

"He's too much like a brother... And besides, he only has eyes for you now, Hermione. He could never see anyone else... The way he looks at you is the way I always wanted him to look at me".

The brunette said nothing, for she could not think of anything to say.

"Well I'm going to go for a smoke... You can come if you want, wake up Draco, too... God knows he'll want a cigarette".

:::::::::::

The night was an eerie sort of calm; the kind of calm where you would wonder just when something was going to pop out at you. Something was coming. Draco knew that well enough himself. It was only a matter of time, and the moment Pansy came to inform them that Dolohov needed them he knew that it was no social meeting.

"So, Miss Granger" said Dolohov. He had spoken the moment they had entered the room. "Are you going to be marked, or not?"

Hermione bit her lip. "I - I don't think I should be marked. If I want to spy shouldn't I be free of a mark? I mean, Draco's marked, but the only reason that they believe that he's on their side is because he was able to cover it up. How would I cover it up if I were to get a mark?"

Dolohov licked his bottom lip. "I think that that is a very reasonable observation. But however, you should inform me on why you seem to be running away from being marked".

"Not everything's black and white, Dolohov" said Draco, rolling his eyes. "Some people want to be Death Eaters but not have a mark, it happens. Don't act like it's of such great significance".

"Your mother didn't want a mark either, and look where her loyalties were," snarled Dolohov. "This young lady will end up just like her, you mark my words".

"Don't bring my mother into this," Draco took a step forward, getting in Dolohov's space in a standoffish way. "I don't believe she has a role in this conversation, Dolohov. Granger is not going to meet her end under my watch, I'll assure you that".

The Death Eater snorted. "How very valiant of you, Draco. But you should be smart and not wait once she starts to turn over... Your father waited far too long to kill your mother".

"You disgust me," stated Draco plainly.

"Love... Your father chose it too".

"Oh believe me, sir, with all due respect, my father couldn't have given a shit about anyone else besides himself, much less loved someone else, to save his fucking life. In the end, it would've saved his life. If he had loved me, and if he had loved my mother, he would still be here right now".

"Your father cared about this cause".

"So it's forgivable to choose your beliefs over your children then, is it?" Draco arched an eyebrow. He was shaking with rage, and was quite sure that steam was shooting out of his ears.

"You truly are your father's son, now aren't you? Same cold stance, same false sense of self worth. Let me tell you something, boy. You are nothing but a disrespectful, evil little bastard".

"I know" replied Draco. "I know I am. Perhaps you should try getting used to it if we're going to work together".

And then he stormed off into the night, slamming the door behind him .

::::::::::::::

Draco was still enraged greatly from his argument a half hour before, and equally as depressed. He had tried drinking a bottle of firewhiskey, but it had not managed to numb the pain the way he wanted it to. The cold was biting at his skin, and he was quite sure his fingers were purple, despite the gloves covering them. He sat on a worn bench near the frozen creek; and looking at the water, it made him feel even more like everything was frozen, stopped. Happiness was frozen, hope was frozen... Everything was.

"Draco".

He turned around to see exactly what he expected; of course it was Granger. No one else would bother speaking to him, and he would not bother speaking to anyone else. "Granger".

She sat down beside him and flashed him a sympathetic smile. "I know what you're thinking. You think he was right about all he said about you, and you're thinking about how much you miss your mother".

"Because he was right" he replied, shaking his head. "I'm not - I'm not good. I'm not even sure if I'm grey anymore. I gave myself the benefit of the doubt for a while, but I know it now. Everything is black and white, and I am most definitely the black rather than the white".

Hermione sighed. "You mustn't think like that... It's just this place, you hate everything more because you're here".

"Well no shit, Granger" he laughed humorlessly. "I hate these people. They killed my mother, destroyed my future, held me captive to them, threatened you, helped Voldemort, captured Potter... There isn't anything to like about them. And it sickens me, even pretending, to be back in the place I was when I was sixteen".

"See, that shows that you aren't evil" she murmured, taking his numb hand in hers; the feeling suddenly seemed to return to it. "If you were evil, you wouldn't have any conscience left in you. You know what, Draco? I think that you're not grey anymore... you're right. You're in the light now. You may be a total ass, you may be cold and cruel at times, you may isolate yourself and hate most people, but you're a good man under all that".

He grinned. "Sounds like there's a lot more good than bad".

"Good and bad go hand in hand. We all have some of both in us".

He removed his glove and raised his hand to stroke her cheek. "Why is it that you're always there, even after all the shit I've pulled with you?"

"Because somehow, through it all, I've managed to care".

He planted a delicate, lingering kiss on her lips. "We should get some sleep, Granger. God knows we'll need it".

"I gave up on trying to believe in God".

"I did for a while" he shrugged.

"You do now?"

He nodded, but kept his thoughts in. He had started believing in God when he had realized he had learned to love Granger.

And she had managed to love the enigma that was Draco Malfoy, too.

It was unfortunate, really, that it was so hard to express love aloud. But that was what they did, kept secrets. They had left things unsaid since the start, and it wasn't going to change anytime soon.

You see, they were already in love, but they were still too afraid to fall.

:::::::::::

**Author's Note  
**yay me I wrote this in three hours

xoxoxo


	21. Stars

**Chapter 21 ~ Stars**

_"Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones  
Turn into something beautiful  
D'you know? For you I bleed myself dry  
For you I bleed myself dry  
_~ Yellow by Coldplay

It was snowing again.

Not that Hermione was surprised in the slightest by that, but still, it was snowing. It was snowing harder than it had snowed in a long time. It was just irking her. Not even the weather seemed to change. She wasn't sure why she was standing outside in the first place, for it was just irritating her more. But perhaps it was because Draco was standing outside; and she needed to be where Draco was.

"Is a clear sky too damn much to ask?" she asked; though her words were harsh, her tone was soft.

He smirked and took a step closer to her. "Language, Granger".

"Fuck off" she grinned, rolling her eyes. "I just - I want to see the sun again, or the stars... or anything else. I haven't been able to see the stars, or anything, really for a very long time... Far too long of a time".

He studied her for a moment. "The sun and stars won't fix anything".

"They're beautiful" she argued. "And everyone needs a little beauty in a time like this; even in the strangest places".

"Yes, but they're pointless at the moment; just something to look at to distract us from the damn world we live in. Distractions are pointless... There's no meaning behind them except for that we look to them because we don't want to face our problems".

"We're not pointless" she murmured.

He arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"I mean - It's what we are. We're beautiful, we're a distraction... but we're not pointless; or at least I don't think we are," Hermione sighed.

Draco licked his top lip in concentration as if he too were pondering whether or not whatever _they _were was pointless or not. "In the scheme of things, we're pointless. There's no room for... passion or anything else in a time like this".

He had almost said 'love', but the word seemed so pointless, so insignificant. 'Love' was drowned out by the hate of the world, in his opinion. There was no point of even having it, when in the end it would be crushed until you were left with nothing but the scars to show the proof.

"There's room for that everywhere, Draco" she said quietly, cupping his face in her hands and tracing his cheekbones and jawline. "I - I just don't want to think the only thing good left in my life is pointless".

He met her gaze. "Fine, Granger. We're not pointless".

She smiled, but it was not a happy smile. It was a sad, bittersweet smile. "War - war has made me lose a lot of things. I've lost my innocence, my friends, my family, my morals, my faith, and everything else. I refuse to lose one more thing by deeming it as pointless. I won't lose this".

"We're always going to be the silver lining; you know that. It's not like I'm going to give up on this either. I wouldn't - I wouldn't want to give up on you, you know. Not when nothing else, and no one else, is left".

She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes to place a light kiss on his lips. They thought that maybe it was pointless. But they also thought it didn't matter, and it wouldn't stop them.

He realized that sometimes beautiful things are insignificant... But the fact that they are insignificant doesn't make them any less beautiful.

::::::::::::::

Pansy studied him curiously, as if he was an experiment. That was the way that Granger studied him at times, too. Only when Granger did it, it didn't bother him. He scowled at the other blonde. "Would you stop bloody looking at me? I'm just trying to drink my morning coffee so I can get through the day and your eyes burning holes in my skin is rather distracting".

"I'm intrigued" said Pansy. "You're a lot different since the last time I saw you".

He raised his eyebrows. "And?"

"And it's intriguing" she replied. "You always wear this hard mask... Like nothing phases you or makes you feel different. It's constantly the same; except for when you're around her. You smile".

"And that's what's so remarkably fascinating?" he questioned, irritation obvious in his voice.

"No, what's fascinating is that you keep your guard up to everyone in the world, and you refuse to show that you have feelings at all; you always have. But when you're around her, you seem like an entirely different person".

He neither denied nor accepted the statement, he simply looked back down to his copy of 'The Daily Prophet'. It was years old, but yet he still read it. It was so special simply because it was from the year before Voldemort's return. It was proof that happier times existed.

"Draco, I know it's awkward to be around me but could you at least talk to me?" Pansy whined.

He rolled his eyes melodramatically. "And why should I do that?"

Pansy sighed. "The way you act you'd think I'd killed your family or something. Honestly, Draco... I'm not a monster. I'm probably more far from than you, in all honesty".

He scowled at her. "Fuck off".

"Do you act this way to Hermione?"

"Granger is different, Pansy. She makes me... different" he was still glaring at her, but his expression momentarily softened when he spoke of Hermione. "And I still don't trust you. You're up to something, and she's a fool for trusting you".

"She, unlike you, sees the best in people" hissed Pansy, glowering at him.

Draco raised his eyebrows. "I know that Granger sees the best in people. In fact, I know her far more than you do. You've known her for the two weeks we've been here, and no longer. I like that she sees the best in people. If she didn't see the best in people, she would loathe me".

"You know, Draco, I wouldn't bother trying to convince me you're not in love with her anymore".

He knew she was right. He knew resisting Granger was a pointless exercise.

But he would never stop trying.

Never.

::::::::::::::

Hermione was feeling particularly interested in astronomy in the coming days, looking at star charts, mapping them, doing anything she could to do with the universe around her. She wasn't sure why, but she had an idea.

The stars were far away. The stars weren't in war.

The stars weren't in the same place she was.

One snowy morning, she was following her usual routine. She was drinking hot chocolate and reading about the invention of the telescope from an old, beaten up school textbook. Draco momentarily wondered why she still had it, but then came to realize that she had not finished her year at Hogwarts and been able to turn it into them. She could have easily owled them, but he chuckled under his breath at the thought of Hermione Granger giving up a book.

"Why are you interested in astronomy all of a sudden?"

Hermione sighed. "Shouldn't that be obvious?"

He simply arched an eyebrow, not verbally responding. In all honesty, it wasn't obvious to him. It wasn't all that strange, really, in the scheme of things. She had always been interested in books, and she had always read them; but he had never seen her pick up an astronomy book since their conversation days before about the stars.

"Draco, it's just helping me take my mind off things... There's so much going on right now and I just need to relax. The stars are... away from the war and they seem more peaceful".

He took steps closer to her and hovered over her shoulder, looking at the star chart she was drawing. "Not bad" he offered, planting a light kiss on her cheek and continuing to trail them down her neck. "I think that the constellation to the far right needs a little work, though".

She turned her head slightly so she could scowl at him. "How kind of you. Is it that hard to please you?"

He chuckled into her shoulder, his breath teasing her skin and causing it to erupt in goosebumps. "It's not that hard for you to please me, Granger. All you have to do is fuck me and then -

"Well aren't you lovely?" she muttered.

He continued chuckling before pressing a lingering peck to the bridge of her nose. "You can please me by talking to me, too... You can please me by trusting me. Sex isn't all you're good for, but it's certainly one of your better qualities".

She laughed under her breath before slicing the distance between their mouths, which was very little effort considering their foreheads were already pressed together before. The kiss was slow, soft and rather damp. The only sounds in the room were the moist noises of their mouths moving in a very well-practiced pace. He pondered whether she was a good kisser, or if they were simply meant to share kisses and touch the way they did.

"You keep me sane, you know" she whispered, pulling away from him but still resting her forehead on his. "I think you're all that's keeping me alive".

He grinned in reply, thinking it best not to say anything at all.

But he couldn't help but think 'me too'.

::::::::::::::

Hermione wasn't sure why she had been laying on her cot all day simply crying silently into her snow white blanket (which would surely be tear-stained). There was just too much going on in her head, in her life... in the world around her. It seemed that there was nothing going right at all. The only times that she sat up were to check if the trees still lacked leaves and if the sky was still cloudy and leaking snowflakes; every time she looked, it was.

She could see Draco out their window shoveling snow away off the paths, surely on a duty. She was supposed to be on guard duty with Nott Jr., but she couldn't have possibly cared any less. There were some days she just couldn't find the strength to keep going, and this was one of them.

Hours passed without her even noticing, she just remained into fetal position hugging her pillow and crying into her blanket. That damned white blanket.

At around dusk, Draco looked horrified to see her there. She had expected this, but not cared. She didn't see a point in doing anything at all. After all, she was bound to die someday soon, anyways; the same way all her loved ones did.

"Granger, you're going to get in trouble" he shook his head, kneeling at the edge of her cot so he could look her in the eye. "What are you thinking doing this? They're going to punish you".

"I don't give a shit anymore".

He furrowed his brow, frowning. "I think I may have rubbed off on you. That isn't a compliment, by the way".

She sighed an exasperated sigh. "Why is everything so fucking white here? The blankets, the snow, everything is white".

"All you have to do to see a little black is look into the hearts of the people here" Draco muttered bitterly. "I hate all of them, every last one. In fact, if you look hard enough, nothing here is white at all. Well... besides you of course".

"Would you fucking knock it off with your deep philosophical bullshit? It's starting to get on my nerves".

He shrugged. "That's all more the reason to do it. You know, you can't just shut yourself away. It won't get you anywhere".

"Well I'm hardly getting anywhere fighting in the war, either. It's been months since you've joined and you've seen how little progress we've made! We haven't even made a dent in the scheme of things!"

"Some good things have come out of it" he murmured, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb simply because he knew she liked that.

And she did like it; very much. It made her feel at home. "I know. But I mean... us... we're not helping anyone by sleeping together. I mean we haven't even told each other if we're more than just shagging... but - but I feel like it turned into making love a long time ago".

His eyes flew open, questioning, and he bit his lip. "I - I'm not sure".

She laughed a full laugh that made her eyes water. "Draco, you avoid the word 'love' like it's the plague. You'd think it was by the way you act. You need to loosen up a little... What I mean is I just think that it means something now. I - I actually kind of always thought that it did".

"Are you okay?" he asked after an awkward pause. "I mean... You've been crying all day, Granger. What exactly is it that's wrong?"

He climbed into the rather small cot and wrapped his arms around her, maybe to make her feel safe, or maybe for selfish reasons; simply because he wanted to.

"The question is more 'what isn't wrong'" she replied.

He noticed a tremor in her voice, and he noticed tears in her eyes again too. She rested her head in his chest. She didn't want him to see her like this, and she liked being close to him and being able to breathe in his scent; peppermint with a hint of the snow from his time outside.

She thought of it all, Mrs. Weasley's death, Ron's death, Neville's death, Harry's capture... the fact she might lose what she had in front of her, and she just began to cry. She sobbed into his shirt, which she noted resentfully was also white. He stroked her back with his hands comfortingly, remaining silent. He knew she didn't want to talk in that moment; she just wanted him to hold her, and to care.

And he did care. He felt a knot at the base of his own throat, too. He was unsure on how something so beautiful could be so delicate and broken.

He almost wanted to say 'I love you'.

But he didn't, and he told himself it was because it would trouble her, but he knew it wasn't the real reason. The real reason was that he didn't want to grow too close, he didn't want to love something that would be snatched away from him the same way as Longbottom, Potter... his mother.

::::::::::::::

Once she had finished crying, he decided to take her for a walk outside. He knew there was a patch of sky near the guarding post that was clear. He knew that for whatever mental reason she had, that would make her happy. He did it as a favor; plainly because she would do the same for him. He noticed a small smile spread slowly across her soft features, and he grinned too.

"The stars are out" she murmured.

He intertwined their fingers again, looking up for himself. "Yeah, they are".

She sighed. "It isn't fair, you know".

"What isn't fair, Granger?"

"They get to be so beautiful while - while everything down here is so damn ugly" she said quietly.

"I don't think I'm very ugly".

She frowned for a moment, but struggled to maintain it as tides of laughter began to flood over her. "You're. So. Self. Righteous".

"You've told me that before" he pointed out. "In different contexts, in different places, and in various forms of words, but you've sort of become a broken record over time, you know".

"Well perhaps you being a bloody arrogant bastard is getting old" she countered.

"Life's getting old" he said, shrugging his shoulders impassively.

She wrapped her arms around his waist when she noticed him shivering. "Sometimes I wish we could just grow old together, you know. I wish that we could just forget everything and live our lives. Right now I feel like it's all frozen".

"We could run away together".

She shook her head. "It wouldn't be the same knowing everything else was at conflict, knowing that people were looking at us, living in a house that could easily be ambushed by Death Eaters. We wouldn't stand a chance".

"We do stand a chance, Granger".

He said it because he was starting to believe that Albus Dumbledore was quite correct about the fact that love was indeed the most powerful form of magic there was. For love had changed him. Love had drove him mad, enraged him, aided him, healed him, and caressed his broken wing.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

Normally I do 3,000 words in a chapter, but I felt this one had a good ending where I decided to finish off. Sorry I was so slow, I had such bad writer's block all week. Plus boy problems and school. Meh.


	22. Inevitable

**Chapter 22 ~ Inevitable**

_"But I guess that I can live without you  
But without you I'll be miserable  
And I can live without you  
But without you I'll be miserable  
And I can live without you  
Oh, without you I'll be miserable at best__"  
_~ Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade

Hermione was disturbed from what she saw the first time she went into the dungeons of the Death Eater camp. Every prisoner they had was on the brink of death, ribs jutting out and shivering from the bitter cold and their lack of proper clothing. One was only a child, a boy of about seven or eight.

She could scarcely imagine Harry, and she looked and looked for him her first time in the dungeons, but yet she couldn't find him.

Later, Pansy told her that they were suspecting her to free him, to do something. She told her that they suspected her as a spy. She told her that she shouldn't tell Draco no matter how important it was.

Reluctantly, Hermione agreed not to tell him, simply because she knew that he had enough on his troubled mind, and she didn't want him to feel any worse.

:::::::::::::::

"I went down to the dungeons today" said Hermione quietly as she stirred her tea with the handle of her spoon. It was chamomile tea; a tea to relax her. Merlin knew she needed that. "I - I saw what the prisoners looked like".

Draco's face became unreadable, even to her. "Horrible isn't it? That's what my mother started to look like, towards the end. She was a prisoner underground beneath her very own home, held captive by her own husband".

"I - I didn't see Harry".

He let out a short bark of laughter, though it was humorless. "Of course you didn't. They're smarter than that, they know of your friendship with him. They wouldn't dare let you see him, even if you were on their side".

She bit her lip, forcing herself not to let loose that they didn't believe her to be on their side at all. "Do you think that - do you think that you could go help Harry? You could rescue him. I mean they trust you, and they think that you hate him. Who would be better to do it than you? I couldn't bare it if the Boy-Who-Lived died such a helpless death".

"There's a little more strategy to it than just letting him out. I would have to be very stealthy going about it, and I'd have to let out a couple more prisoners than just Potter".

"Couldn't you just free them all?" she questioned. She knew that the thought was laughable, and that he would dismiss the question without giving any thought to it at all; but the thought of the little boy made her say it.

"Because that wouldn't look suspicious" he drawled. "Granger, that would be the most bloody tactless thing I could ever possibly do! Go you try releasing all the prisoners and see how damn easy it is".

"Sorry" she mumbled. "I just - there was a little boy down there. He was really young and he just looked so helpless and I just can't bare to imagine Harry ending up like that, Draco... I can't".

He furrowed his brow and rubbed his temples soothingly, unnerved by her words. "We can't just let him out. Not yet. They barely even trust us as it is. I can tell by the way Dolohov treats us".

She wanted to say that the Death Eaters didn't trust her at all, but thought better of it. The news would torment his already stretched conscious and wear him down. He was already worn down. Day by day, the bags under his eyes were growing and his skin grew more sallow. "You don't look good... Have you been getting enough sleep?"

He raised his eyebrows. "And how much sleep do you get?"

She bit her lip. "No comment on that".

He smirked. "Precisely".

"But think about it, please?" she asked pleadingly. "Saving Harry, I mean".

"Perhaps".

But he knew he would. He wouldn't for anyone else. He wouldn't normally even consider it. The idea was dangerous, irrational, foolish...

But it was for Granger.

::::::::::::::

They were arguing again; or perhaps arguing was an understatement. They were full-fledged screaming at each other... not that it was a surprise to anyone. They argued, and argued, and argued, but in the end the arguments didn't matter. In the end, it was that they stood together alone. But still, they argued.

"You need to just fucking _try_!" she shouted. "Try to save him! Don't just sit back and not give a shit!"

"You know _perfectly well _that I give a shit, Granger. You know better than anyone" he hissed, standing up from his chair to be level with her. He wanted to look her in the eyes. He liked the way her eyes darkened when she was angry. "And you know damn well that if I don't plan that I'll be locked up like him or maybe even worse! Not that you care about that".

"_Don't fucking say that_" she hissed, stomping her foot. "I'm fucking warning you, if you try to make me the bad guy -

"Well that's what you're trying to do to me nonstop!" he roared. "For Merlin's sake you drive me mad... I think your madness is rubbing off on me or something".

"You're not all that sane yourself, either".

"No one's really sane".

"Especially not you" she muttered coolly.

But he was drawing closer to her. She could feel her withdrawal from the argument seeping in, she could practically already feel the rough, raw kiss she was going to receive in a matter of moments. Sure, it was dysfunctional. But dysfunctional was how they worked. Dysfunctional was their routine, and if it was routine, it couldn't really be considered dysfunctional, could it?

His face was near hers. She could feel his breath just barely brushing against her cheek. "You're going to be the death of me, Granger. You know that, don't you? You're going to be the death of me" he chuckled airily under his breath, and she wondered why his rage had subsided before noticing that hers had too.

"We're like the ocean" she murmured.

He raised an eyebrow in a way that prodded her to explain.

"We have low tide and high tide and everything else. High tide is when we're angry, low tide's when we're peaceful, when we're happy".

"We have tidal waves, too" he said thoughtfully.

"Yes, we do" she agreed, smiling. But her smile quickly vanished and she sighed. "Will we ever be functional?"

"Never".

He pulled her in for a soft, tender kiss that was much different than the one she had originally pictured. It was a different way to end an argument; but she thought perhaps she might like it.

She almost said 'I love you' when it was all over, but thought better of it and held her tongue.

:::::::::::::

It was a dark morning, even for the highest point of Norway. Crows were cawing eerily and the clouds were less white than normal; they were a dark, stormy grey. It looked like something that would be seen at an execution, at the start of a battle. Draco had a feeling in his gut that he got only when death was lurking over his shoulder. He could feel the sensation he got before battle in his stomach, and he knew it was coming. And it felt different that it normally did to him.

"Something's wrong today, Granger" he said.

They were sitting at a picnic table, staring at the multitude of crows perched on the dead tree's branches.

"How do you know?" asked Hermione hesitantly. But she felt it too.

"I'm sick to my stomach. It feels like something's coming. I feel wobbly and shaky and on edge -

"You're always on edge, Draco".

He scowled at her. "Thanks. You really know how to boost my self esteem, now don't you? But I'm sure you're familiar with the feeling. You've been fighting longer than I have in the Order".

"You fought with the Death Eaters" she argued.

"I never fought" he shook his head, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. "I refused to fight. Father would try and send me out, try to get me to see what he was experiencing... But I wouldn't".

She offered him her hand, and he took it without hesitation. "You're brave, you know. I'm brave too -

"Of course you are, you're a Gryffindor" he smirked.

"That's beside the point. The point is we can - we can get through this. Plenty's been thrown at us already and we've made it through. Sometimes we barely cut it, but we're still here, we're still living".

He raised his eyebrows and laughed humorlessly. "Are we, Granger? Are we really living? It feels like the same day repeating itself, if you ask me. It feels like a bad dream. I don't feel like I'm living. I don't think I've lived in a long time".

She bit her lip, hesitating to ask a question. He knew this look too well, so he gestured for her to get to it. "I - I was just wondering if you - if you felt alive when you're with me; because I feel alive when I'm with you".

He was taken aback by the sincerity of her statement at the end of the question, but he was unsure of what to say. He did. He felt alive with her; more alive than he had in a long time. He sighed in withdrawal. "Yes, Granger. I feel alive around you".

She smiled a genuine smile; the kind that pulled at the corners of her lips and showed her dimples. He couldn't help but smile back. She pecked the edge of his grin. "Good".

::::::::::::::

He had thought right. He knew he had when Dolohov pulled him aside into the Main Headquarters to talk to him. "Draco, Draco, Draco" he made a clicking sound of disapproval on the roof of his mouth. "I am still astounded that you would choose a Mudblood".

"I don't know what that has to do with this conversation, sir" replied Draco coolly, narrowing his grey eyes.

"It has everything to do with this conversation" said the Death Eater, raising his eyebrows as if taken aback. "She's a spy, Draco. Surely you've figured that out by now. She needs to be taken care of".

He felt his face grow red with rage, and he ground his teeth together in an attempt to control his emotions. "On the contrary, Dolohov, I don't believe that she's a spy at all. I don't believe it in the slightest".

"Well Parkinson has given me some interesting information".

"That son of a bitch" he hissed under his breath. "Pansy is full of shit. You know that, sir".

"She also told me, conveniently, that you were also a spy" began Dolohov. "But I did not believe her. I have highest trust in you. In fact, tonight I'm letting you on guard duty in the prison. You'll be alone, but all you have to do is torture the prisoners for a while, keep their morals low and spirits broken".

Draco bowed his head stiffly. "Certainly, sir. But I'll only do it on one condition".

Dolohov chuckled. "And what might that be?"

"Don't do anything to Granger. Don't hurt Granger in the slightest way possible, or you will get your retribution".

"It depends".

"Well then my loyalty down in the dungeons depends too, sir".

Dolohov narrowed his eyes and spoke, his tone cold. "You need to decide on what you're devoted to, Draco. Us, or your little Mudblood spy. Make your choice quickly, too... I don't like waiting. But for now, get out of my sight and do your job".

Draco cursed Dolohov internally before leaving the room cussing under his breath.

They knew about Granger.

:::::::::::::::

He couldn't find her fast enough. He ran out of the Headquarters directly from his discussion and into their cabin before pulling her into a frenzied kiss in which he pushed her against the wall, enclosed between the wall in his arms. She was shielded there. He wanted her to be shielded.

"Granger, they know about you. Keep your eyes open".

Hermione bit her lip. "Draco I - I've been meaning to tell you. I already know. Pansy told me the other day"

He raised his eyebrows. "So basically, you've been keeping something that bloody important from me? You didn't think I would want to know that? That's pretty crucial information! Pansy was the one who gave you the fuck away anyways!".

She took in a sharp breath and grimaced. "I - I didn't want you to get stressed out. You already have so much on your mind and I thought - I thought it would probably make you upset".

"Well no shit I'm upset! You're the only reason I can deal with this place at all" he snapped, scowling.

She spun out of his grasp and crossed her arms in exasperation. "You wouldn't have liked it if I told you, either. You would've been complaining about how I should have kept it from you! I can never do anything right with you! You're always so angry!"

"It's built up in my system over time, Granger. Anger will do that" he snapped. "And another thing, I wouldn't have fucking complained! I would want to know and you know I would want to know".

The look of hurt that fell across her features was unmistakable. She lifted a small, shaky hand and rested it on his cheek, gently caressing his skin with her thumb. He looked at her in the same sad way, all anger fading from his mind. "I don't want to... No. I _can't _fight with you, Draco. I can't. We can't fight when we" she paused to swallow the painful lump in her throat. "When we don't know how much time we have left".

He inhaled, taking in a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself. "I don't want to think that. It makes things too difficult".

"Should we just call this off then?" she whispered, her voice shaky. "If - If we don't want to get hurt?"

"It's going to hurt either way" he muttered bitterly. "It's going to end with either one of us getting killed, both of us getting killed, one of us getting tortured into insanity, one of us being sent off somewhere else, any of the things that happen in war".

"So you don't think we should end it, then?" she asked, meeting his gaze.

He tensed for a moment, apparently considering the offer but shook his head. "No. We shouldn't. I don't think we should. I don't know if I could handle losing the only thing I have left".

She smiled forlornly. "Do I really mean that much to you?"

Draco didn't like showing affection. It was clear to her, to him, to anyone around him. But he thought he had to. He thought he might as well in case something happened. He wrapped his arms around her like a blanket and rested his chin on her forehead after placing a delicate kiss on her forehead. "You mean more to me than you know, Granger".

Then her lips covered his, as if she wanted to comfort him. He noted that whether that was her intention or not, it was working quite well. She tasted of snow, blueberries and silver lining. He kissed a line down her neck, giving her time to speak. "Everything's going to change now, isn't it?"

He nipped at a sensitive piece of skin slightly above her right breast, earning him a small, dulcet sigh. "Everything's changing".

She cupped his face in her hands, and he wiped away a tear running down her cheek. "But we're not changing, right? We can't - we can't change".

"But that's the thing, Granger" he sighed. "I think that we're bound to change, whether we want it or not. It's inevitable".

::::::::::::::

"Why are you acting like this is goodbye?" Hermione whimpered against his lips.

"I'm going to try to rescue Potter, Granger" he wrapped his arms tighter around her and pecked her cheek. "For all we know, it well may be".

And then he was off, off to enter the dungeons where so many wounded souls like his own lived. They were in a prison.

But he was in prison too.

Only theirs was physical.

::::::::::::::

Draco knew how Hermione had felt the moment he went down the stairs and into the dungeons. There were women and their children in a close circle, all starving and all fearful. The mother of the children had a black eye, and the children were peaking out at him from behind her cloak. He noticed that the smallest boy had a large bruise on the side of his ribs, which jutted out far more than usual. He was shirtless and in nothing but his underwear, which reflected the nature of the Death Eaters in full, in his own opinion. The only light in the room was from a small hole cut into the ceiling (which was actually the ground), and it was from the sliver of moon visible outside.

He approached the family slowly, afraid of startling them. "Haven't you hurt us enough?" sobbed the woman. "Haven't you? My daughter is blind because of your torture methods".

Draco winced. "I myself haven't directly hurt you, but either way this cause has".

"So are you here to take your first try at it?" the woman asked frantically. "Do you want to kill my children? By all means, take me but do not take my children! I won't let you".

"I have no intentions on killing you or your children" he said calmly, approaching closer apprehensively. "I'm not like them, the ones who come down here to hurt you. Trust me. I would rather be anywhere than here, too".

"Who are you?"

"Draco Malfoy. I'm from the Order of the Phoenix; the other side. I'm a spy here. I'm working against them, the ones that hurt you. Surely you know of what the Death Eaters are about?"

She nodded fearfully. "I - I am aware of what they believe in. But why us?"

"Don't take it personal" uttered Draco bitterly. "They hate everyone. You're not the only ones stuck down here".

The mother opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a loud shout of 'Malfoy!' from the opposite end of the dungeon. The next few seconds were unreal to him, and before he knew it Potter was hugging him as though he was a brother. When he was released, Draco sat pondering whether it was a dream or not before his companion spoke.

"What the hell are you doing here?" asked the dark-haired wizard. "Did you get captured?

Draco studied him, noting that he was much thinner and had small scrapes on the sides of his face. "We didn't get captured. Granger and I are here on Order business. We're spying on them".

Potter's bright green eyes widened. "You're here on that dangerous of a mission? I know you're an Occlumens, Malfoy but Hermione's not and she could get hurt in the process".

"That's the problem. They know. They're onto her. They suspect her. They know she's here on Order business".

The Chosen One winced. "Then you two have to leave! Surely do anything but stay here and put yourself in danger! It's a death sentence -

"Life is a death sentence" Draco interjected. "Potter, just think. All of us are gonna wind up dead anyways, whether it's on the battlefield, in our own safe house or after all of this is over. There's no point of not taking risks".

"Why are you here? Surely they only need one spy?"

The blonde's jaw tensed. "They do only need one spy. Granger volunteered and I wouldn't let her go alone".

"There's more to life than Hermione. You should be back at camp helping out! I would've thought you'd be in charge after I'd left. It would've been the right thing to have done".

"I don't really think you understand me" Draco sighed. "She's become the very core of my happiness now. I don't know if I'd survive without her around. I'd just start drinking more again and shutting myself away".

"Don't you still do that anyways?"

He narrowed his eyes. "Way to point out the obvious. You're pretty thick for the Chosen One".

Draco was unsure of what his ally was looking at behind the outside door, but it was soon very clear. Shouts, fire... Battle. He cursed under his breath. "Listen, Potter, I think I have to go. But I have to let you out too -

"Are you daft?" shouted Harry. "You're going to get yourself killed if you let me out there! They're going to know!"

"Do you really think I give a shit? I'm sure your fucking Order members are out there fighting and they're going to need you. Let's face it, the best people in battle aside from you were Granger and I, and now we're playing both sides. They need _you _out there".

Harry stood there, silent and shaking his head.

Draco flicked his wand at the door, opening it. "Go! Now! Potter, I need you to listen to me on this! Granger would be devastated if you were killed and I promised her I'd get you out! I don't give a damn what happens to me. Take care of her if anything happens, Potter. Take care of her well".

The Chosen One looked astounded for a moment before he spoke. He walked towards Draco and patted him on the back. "You really are a redeemed man, Malfoy. You know that, don't you? And Hermione loves you. She loves you more than she loves anyone else... You're the core of her happiness too, I think" Potter said fondly. "I still think you would've made a great Gryffindor".

And with that, Harry left the dungeons, leaving Draco waiting for his fate, which wouldn't be pretty. He reflected on the change, how he had surely sacrificed his own well being just so he could let the man who was once his worst enemy out of the dungeons where he would most likely soon reside.

Then he thought of Granger.

"I love her too" he mumbled to himself before sliding down the wall and wrapping his hands around his knees, not daring to move at all or even close the dungeon's door. He just sat there, close to tears for what could have been hours thinking on what had happened in the past months, and what was to come in the coming ones.

He had a feeling war was only just beginning.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

rrgg. took me a while to update. i'm sorry :c i had severe writer's block. hope this is okay. they'll probably only be a few more chapters, we're drawing closer to the climax of the story now. thanks for reading xoxo.


	23. Beautiful Mess

**Chapter 23 ~ Beautiful Mess**

_"So if you love me, why'd you let me go?  
I took my love down to violet hill, there we sat in the snow  
All that time she was silent, still  
Said if you love me won't you let me know?  
__If you love me won't you let me know?"  
~ Violet Hill by Coldplay_

Hermione had learned the fear of battle far too well in the past months; so well that she knew it like the back of her hand. She knew fear on every level and in every way possible, but she didn't know fear without Draco. She stood in the fire, unsure of whether he was safe or not. She looked anxiously around for him, anxiously around for her love, but she couldn't seem to find him.

She changed the focus of her gaze once more, and she couldn't seem to process what she saw before her legs started running as if for her, and her arms were around what she had seen. Dark, askew hair, bright green eyes, round glasses, lightning bolt scar... Everything that was Harry Potter. She buried herself in his shoulder and just began to cry, unable to take notice that the people around her were Death Eaters and she was hugging the enemy.

"Did Draco let you out?" she whispered, securing her arms tighter around the friend she considered her brother. "I was so worried... I told him to let you out I just couldn't stand letting you -

Harry released her awkwardly and began running his fingers through his hair. "Erh, yeah, he did. I don't think you realized how much he risked by doing that, so I suggest you go see him instead of me".

She looked around the clearing, seeing dueling enemies and both black and white; there was no grey here. Not even her lover was grey anymore. "Where is he?" she swallowed audibly, nervously. "I - I do need to see him".

"In the dungeons" said Harry. Her friend sighed, giving her a sympathetic look. "Hermione, I'd tell him how you feel about him. Things are getting more and more rough".

She bit her lip, attempting to hold back the sobs lodged at the bottom of her throat. "I will".

And then she ran off, unaware that Draco was watching her from the stairway of the dungeon. He noted how graceful she really was; she was like a deer, or a gazelle. She carried herself with pride. Perhaps that was what he fell in love with.

Or maybe it was that he fell in love with the idea of loving anyone at all in a time like this.

He hadn't had time to observe her much before her coffee curls were surrounding his face and her arms were wrapped firmly around his neck. She stood up on her tiptoes to plant a light kiss on the lips she knew so well. "Draco..." she hummed.

He wrapped his arms around her equally as tight around her waist once he had realized what was happening, and he became much more tense. She felt him tense. She could feel his fear. "I'm wanted as of now, Granger. I - I know I am".

"Why did you have to do this to yourself?" she managed to whisper.

He narrowed his eyes. She realized that there was something grey after all; his eyes. "You were the one who told me to let him go. You were the one that told me to save Potter. You were the one who said all that and now you're trying to reprimand me on my actions?"

She began to cry, but her sobs were near silent... nothing more than small whimpers "I didn't think about what would happen to you! I didn't think about what would happen to - to us if you were to let him out! I was just scared and I didn't think you would actually do it! And now you might end up d-d-dead on my accord and it'll be all my fucking fault".

She tried to tear herself from his grasp but he wrapped his firm, slender hands around her wrists. He released one of them for a moment to place a finger under her chin in an attempt to catch her gaze. Her eyes were still the same light, honey tone. He wasn't sure why he would even be so surprised, but so much seemed to have changed in the past hour that it was nice to know they were the same. He began to count the barely-there freckles on her nose and tried to memorize that there were eleven in all.

He cupped her face in his hands and pressed a kiss on her forehead, and it was only then he realized how small and delicate she really was. It was easy to forget, really. She was such an independent personality, and was so assertive that it was quite easy to forget she was just as fragile as him.

"It's not on your accord" he reassured her. "It's not. I assure you if it's on anyone's accord it's mine. Besides, we're all dying anyways".

"But I told Pansy" she whispered in his ear. "I ruined everything. I - We wouldn't be in danger if it wasn't for me! You are right about Gryffindors, I think... or at least this Gryffindor. I've ruined everything! And now you're not safe!"

"Was I ever safe?" he laughed under his breath humorlessly and locked eyes with her once more. "I'm not in a war just with the Death Eaters... I'm in a war with my own mind too, Granger".

"But you..." she trailed off, her eyes averting from his and moving to his mouth. Those pink lips. Those white teeth. Though she couldn't see his gums, or his molars, she knew their precise location. She had him memorized. She sighed a nervous sigh before speaking. "I love you, Draco".

His eyes shot open wider than before, questioning. "You... You what?"

"I love you" she whimpered. "And I know you don't really have feelings like that and you avoid the word and the idea like it's the plague but I do. I do love you and I have for longer than I've wanted to admit. Somewhere within our fights, our white lies, our kisses, our intimacy, our fights, our sex, our passion... I fell in love with you. It was - it was inevitable, really, in the end. I know we're not even exclusive or committed but I - I love you. I can't help it".

His lips parted, and she noted that he looked much more at peace than he had in a long time. He couldn't seem to find words to reciprocate, so instead he used his actions, the way he always did. He wrapped her legs around his waist almost the instant their lips touched and began stumbling backwards towards their cabin, ignoring the battle around them. They tumbled in gracelessly, and he bit and nipped at her lips as he lay a fur blanket on the hardwood floor and placed her down upon it gently.

Draco lay down beside her before flipping her over so she was atop of him, and they were kissing in a tender way they never had before. She could practically feel his soul through his lips, through his tongue, and it was a beautiful feeling. She had forgotten completely about the war outside when he began nibbling at her jawbone. She was sure the more ferocious love-bites on her neck would not soon fade, but she liked that. She liked that there was an imprint of him on her.

She pressed her lips to his again and began working impatiently at his white t-shirt, pulling it over his head with a small bit of assistance before he removed her own. They stared at each other for a few seconds, trying to memorize each others features as best they could. He felt his groin twitch when he saw the bruises he had left on her otherwise spotless skin.

Lately she hadn't been taking the time to notice the way his near translucent pale skin glowed in the pale light outside; the snow matched his skin. "You're beautiful, you know" she whispered. "Twisted, scarred, self-loathing, angry, pessimistic and emotionally unstable but you're beautiful".

He smirked against her neck before replying. "You're not so bad yourself".

After that, the kisses became more lust-filled and fast paced. Their tongues fought a war as fierce as the one going on outside of their cabin. She removed his belt, briefs and trousers quickly; he wasn't slow to follow suite, leaving them bare as they always were. His hand began to slide slowly and tantalizingly down from her navel, and her hips were bucking into him without any thought at all. By now, intimacy, love, and anger with him were all so familiar that they were instinct.

All the pain and the possibility of losing each other seemed to fade from the world... they were left with nothing at all but each other and the pleasure they shared. He trailed his teeth down her neck and jaw before sucking gently at a piece of skin on her right breast. She moaned at the contact. She moved her own hands down to his length and tugged tenderly at an unstable pace. He hissed with pleasure before pulling them away once more and covering her mouth with his.

She began grinding her pelvis against him, causing him to groan and her to release a feminine sigh that ghosted the roof of his mouth. She gasped when she felt him insert himself inside her before reality sank in. He knew she was unsure of herself when she bit her lip the way she always did when she was nervous.

He rocked his hips into hers encouragingly, and she moaned quietly when he hit her in a spot she didn't even recognize was there. "You're lovely" he murmured occasionally, just to assure her; and mostly, simply because she was.

After a few thrusts of his own, she began to set the pace herself. It was a slow, passionate pace that she had never experienced with him before. Most of their sexual encounters were post-argument: rough, frenzied and rushed, but this time they were slow and patient, and most definitely not post-argument.

He could feel her clenching around him, and she was beginning to shake. He thought he might be shaking too, but he didn't care. He needed release. Granger was release to him. And judging by the high pitched whimpers coming from her, he thought he might be her release, too.

All the stress, pain and uncertainty going on in their minds faded when the beautiful feeling of the climax came. She whimpered his name, and he released a hiss. It felt as though they were floating. It felt as though they might actually be okay, that they might survive this together. But as soon as they regained their breath, that feeling of safety faded, and it was as though it hadn't been there at all.

"I love you" she whispered.

He shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat. "No, you don't".

Hermione looked hurt by his words, but knew what they meant. "What do you mean?".

Draco met her gaze meaningfully. "You can't love me, Granger. We can't love each other. Hell, we shouldn't have even started this up in the first place. It's wrong, and it's not going to work at all".

"Are you breaking up with me before we were even together?"

He sighed melodramatically in an exasperated way. "We're too far in to stop now. We only have so much time left, so now I guess the only thing left to do is enjoy it. And by the way, I think I love you too, when you're not being an insufferable know-it-all, as Snape used to say".

She chuckled under her breath and kissed his cheek before rolling off of him and snuggling up against him. She intertwined their fingers just so she could touch them. "That must have been incredibly difficult for you".

He smirked. "You have no idea".

"We'll make it through this" she lied.

But he didn't argue, instead he sighed and wrapped his arms firmly around her.

And then they slept. When she awoke, he was gone. So she just cried into their blanket and lay across his side of their tiny cot.

:::::::::::::::

Draco arrived at the Order of the Phoenix Headquarters knowing exactly what to expect. The main issue would be the fact that he left Hermione. Another issue would be that he was foolish enough to free Harry. An unspoken issue would be that he had failed, that he had disappointed them. That would with no question be the thing that haunted him most, besides leaving Granger. Leaving her alone would always hurt him the most.

He came in from the outskirts of the camp, and the first thing he saw was Potter and Weasley holding hands on the bench him and Granger used to sit on. It sickened him and made his legs go slightly weak. He debated whether he should just enter the tents without saying hello, simply because it would seem like a crime to interrupt their moment when life interrupted his, but he thought better of it. It would only enrage them more if he came in without a word.

He made his way behind him and cleared his throat, unsure of how to greet them in any other way.

Weasley was shocked, and as Draco had expected, she was angry. But then again, that bitch was always angry. But Potter looked sympathetic, and despite his hatred of pity, he didn't mind much at all. He didn't mind because he knew that the Chosen One, whom had been through so much, knew exactly how he felt on every emotional level. The boy he had hated in school had lost everything close to family he had ever known, and everything he loved seemed to wither away. For Draco, he had wounded and tainted the only thing he had ever loved out of greed, lust and eventually love.

"What are you -

Harry put a finger to Ginny's lips before standing up and studying Draco. "Do you need to talk?" he asked, despite his lover's disapproving gaze.

Draco wanted to do anything but talk about his emotions. In reality, he wanted to drown himself in alcohol until he passed out, or died. But he thought of her, even though it hurt. He thought of how strongly she disapproved of bottling up emotions. He swallowed his pride and nodded stiffly. "Yes, Potter, I need to talk".

:::::::::::::::

Hermione was cold when she woke up in the morning, and the blanket she had fallen asleep upon had no one else laying on it. She sucked in a sharp breath. She had expected it, yes, but she couldn't help the stinging feeling of unwelcome tears welling up in her eyes or the aching pit in her stomach that Draco had once filled. She felt a lurch of hope in her stomach but then only disappointed when she looked to the figure in the corner of the room and noticed it was Pansy.

"You can just cry, you know" said Pansy, smiling a sympathetic smile. "I did when he left... But I guess what we had was never as real as what you and him had... No, have".

Hermione clenched her teeth together in a petty attempt to look composed. "I just hope he's safe... you know, with the Order. I just hope nothing bad happened".

She shook her head. "I was on watch duty all night. Nothing bad happened".

The brunette nodded, but said nothing.

"He loves you, you know".

"I know, he told me" Hermione whispered shakily. The knot at the base of her throat was growing more and more large as more and more emotions tangled themselves together. "I just - I don't know how I'm going to cope, you know... without him here".

"Draco Malfoy said those dreaded three words... you and I both know what that means" said Pansy, smiling that sympathetic smile again before tilting her head curiously. "Why don't you just leave? You and I both know where he is".

She shook her head. "He wouldn't want me to leave. It would seem to obvious. They're already watching me and if he had wanted... no, wanted isn't the right word. He wanted to run away with me. He told me all the time. But he would have taken me with him only if he thought that it was safe, and if he thought that it was the right thing to do".

Pansy nodded, but judging by her expression, she did not comprehend Hermione's views on the matter at all. "I tried so long to look for him, but really I guess I never tried. I always knew he didn't really feel the same way for me as I did for him. There was always something missing. Do you know the feeling of when something's too rounded at the edges, too composed and predictable?"

Hermione immediately thought of Ron. "Yes, I know _exactly _what you're talking about".

"Draco's a man of passion, and without all the anger and fights you two share, where can the passion be?"

"Look, Pansy, I want to know something -

"You want to know why I screwed you guys over, yeah" she interrupted. "Just paint a picture in your head, of not seeing him for a long time, but not having the feeling ever fade away. You search for him for a long time, and when you finally find him, he's with someone else. On top of that, he loves that someone else the way that he never loved you, the way he never _could _love you. What would it be your instinct to do? It would be to act on the spite, the envy, and seek vengeance. You would never act on it like I did, because you're something of a saint, but I know you would want to. And I knew. I knew that even if I turned you guys in you would make it out of live, you would escape, because you two are both too genius to fail. I didn't want you two split up, just out of my way so I didn't start to wish that".

Hermione wanted to protest, more for her own sake than Pansy's. She wanted to say she would never want to seek out revenge, because it was petty and selfish to do something like that. She wanted to, but she couldn't. She thought of Draco holding someone else, kissing someone else, and she instantly knew what Pansy meant. She would want to do something. She would want the other girl gone, out of Draco's life. She wouldn't act on it, though. She knew she wouldn't. But she wouldn't cope. She wouldn't be as strong as Pansy.

"Are you angry?" asked Pansy, a sort of pleading in her voice. Hermione tried to ignore the fact that her acquaintance's eyes were watery at the brims. She wasn't really sure how to react to the girl she used to call pug-faced, and the girl that used to call her a chipmunk, allowing herself to be seen vulnerable.

Hermione wanted to be angry. Not because she was an angry person. Hell, if she was an angry person she wouldn't be in love with Draco Malfoy, and she most certainly would've hexed him by now. She wanted to be angry because she knew Draco would reprimand her for quite a long time if she answered honestly. But she did anyways, because if she was going to lie to the only person she could talk to here, there was no point in speaking to her at all. So instead, she sighed in withdrawal and let a quiet 'yes' slip passed her lips. Pansy nodded too, and there was an awkward silence.

After a few tense moments, Hermione cleared her throat. "So are we like, the best of friends now?"

Pansy laughed airily, though she was still crying. "Yeah, something like that. Or the best of friends that a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, or a Phoenix and a Death Eater can be. They clash terribly".

"Slytherins and Gryffindors don't clash in _every _way" hummed Hermione as she thought of Draco. Draco's kisses, Draco's skin to hers, Draco's damned smirks, Draco's cold comments; cold comments that lead to arguments, that lead to shouting, which eventually lead to his kisses again, then his skin to hers, and then to sex. She felt something in her stomach stir at that thought. Yes, Slytherins and Gryffindors _definitely _didn't clash in every way. Pansy snorted to cover a laugh, and that was when Hermione really noticed the dirtiness of the statement. She blushed. "Not like that".

"Oh I'm _quite _sure you two don't clash like that. You wake half the campsite up with the way you two -

"Okay, enough on the matter" said a very mortified Hermione, covering her quite flushed face in her hands. Pansy laughed a full laugh Hermione had never heard her laugh before.

She really was beginning to wonder, though. She was beginning to think that Gryffindors and Slytherins didn't clash at all.

::::::::::::::

Harry Potter furrowed his brow in confusion. His eyes were not fixed on a map, or a strategy plan like they usually were. They were fixed on Draco Malfoy, his former school rival. He was wondering if his ears had somehow misinterpreted the words. "You told Hermione that you loved her?"

Draco's jaw tensed before he gave a stiff, short nod.

"Did you mean it?"

The blonde let out a short bark of humorless laughter. "No, Potter. I, Draco Malfoy, go around saying 'I love you' to everyone who crosses my path; especially to every bossy, bushy-haired Gryffindor. Yes, Potter of course I meant it".

"What does that mean for... well, you know, you guys?"

"It means that we're going to meet a very tragic end".

Draco was grateful when Harry did not try to lie to him and tell him that him and Hermione Granger were going to have a long, happy relationship with no troubles. That would've set him off, and made him lash out. Instead, Potter ignored his response. He was grateful, somehow, that Potter wasn't like Granger in that sense. Granger would lie to him, and tell him it was all going to be unicorns and sunshine. She did that to everything she cared for. It was something he both loved and hated at the same time, the same way he had once hated and loved _her _at the same time.

He tried to tell himself he still had some hate there, just for the sake of his dignity. But he knew that in the end, he had caved into a caring, kind, intelligent, bold young Gryffindor that he had been determined to hate his whole life.

"I used to tell myself it was a silver lining, you know" said Draco tonelessly, not meeting the green eyes that were studying him. "I used to tell myself that it was the one thing that kept me sane. But now I think that really, it's what's kept me mad... but I think I like it. I still try to say that it's a silver lining, that it's some beautiful fairy tale that will come out of this chaos, but really, I know it will be just another thing that hurts us, so at the end, it's not really a silver lining... just a beautiful mess".

"You know, Malfoy, I can't seem to figure you out".

Draco laughed dryly again. "Yeah" he agreed, meeting Potter's eyes this time. "I can't seem to figure me out either".

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

yay long chapter. um, hope you like. xoxo


	24. Already

**Chapter 24 ~ Already**

_"There is love in your body but you can't get it out  
It gets stuck in your head, won't come out of your mouth  
Sticks to your tongue and it shows on your face  
That the sweetest of words have the bitterest taste  
__Darling heart, I loved you from the start__  
But you'll never know what a fool I've been  
Darling heart, I loved you from the start  
But that's no excuse for the state I'm in"_  
~ Hardest of Hearts by Florence and the Machine

Three days was all it had been. Three bloody days. It had been a mere seventy-two hours and Draco had already cracked. He hadn't even noticed how attached he'd grown to Granger before he had left. Without her around him, there was a large, gaping hole in his chest. He felt numb and lifeless. He had thought before that his eyes were as heavy and cold as eyes came; but he was so wrong. Every trace of spark left in them was gone. Every trace of spark in everything was gone.

He did two things; help the Order and drown himself in firewhiskey. But he was never attentive in meetings, unless he was asked a question of importance. His mind was on Granger, on her safety. She could have easily been killed or tortured by then, and he wouldn't have had the slightest clue. So that was where his mind stayed. In a constant limbo between war and Granger. He thought they were two different things, until he really pondered the matter. It was then that he realized they weren't so different at all.

He lay in Granger's old bed and drank until he couldn't even feel the pounding hangover he had from the night before. He had needed the firewhiskey to sleep. But that was a goal. Drown it all out until he felt nothing. It was his second most successful way of coping.

He didn't think that anyone would give a shit that he hadn't come out of his room, or that he was going through four large bottles of firewhiskey a day. He wanted it that way. Unfortunately, he didn't have much luck getting what he wanted.

He was unsure which was more annoying; Weaselette's petty attempt to care, or the bloody knocking on his door that was like a knife into his skull each time.

"Fuck off" he slurred.

But the door opened anyways. Damn her. Maybe the rumors were true that gingers had no souls.

She looked cross, even for Ginny Weasley. Her brown eyes were narrowed and her normally perfectly straight, perfectly smooth red hair was askew. She was still in her pajamas, and he envied her for being able to sleep without drinking; the sunlight streaming in through the windows was really beginning to hurt his head. She glowered at him for a few more moments before speaking. "Get out of bed, Malfoy".

The blonde arched an eyebrow. "And why the hell should I do that?"

"Do you think Hermione would've wanted you locked away, moping about how she was gone?"

He knew Granger wouldn't want that, so he said nothing. He didn't want to lie where she was concerned, and he certainly didn't want to admit being wrong. Because he was a Malfoy, and Malfoys were always right, even if they were wrong.

"Look, I know I haven't been the kindest to you -

"Or anyone else here for that matter, Wea-

She raised her voice to block out his interruption. "But I still don't want to see the man Hermione Granger loves becoming a pathetic bum who drowns himself in firewhiskey".

"You wouldn't understand" he snapped. "You haven't been through this. You haven't lost someone so dear to you".

"I've lost Harry" she replied coolly. "In case you don't remember, he was captured for a few weeks... much longer than three days".

"You wouldn't fucking _get it, _Weasley" he slurred onward after taking another swig of his coping mechanism. "You wouldn't get what it was like. You give a shit about people besides Harry -

"Because I'm normal" she interrupted.

He smirked. "Yes, Weasley. We all know about how bloody mad I am. Everyone's gone mad, though. It's not just me. And besides, you're friends with Loony Lovegood herself" he said smugly. "But as I was saying, before you interrupted me, you give a shit about more than one person. You have things that help you cope, people actually give a shit whether you're happy or not. All I have is _her. _You feel alive all the time. There's color in your life. You smile all the time, you laugh all the time. Answer something for me, have you ever seen me smile outside of the presence of Granger?"

The redhead thought for a moment before shaking her head. "No. No, I haven't".

"See. She's my only source of happiness, my only source of _life. _Granger is... everything" he murmured, his features softening. He was unsure why he was describing his feelings for Granger in great deal to her companion that he loathed so much, but he had a feeling both bottled up emotions and intoxication had a part to play in it.

"You're not good for her. You're going to hurt her".

He laughed a cold, humorless laugh. "Oh for God's sake not this lecture again. I'm quite aware on your opinions on my relationship with Granger, but it's not going to change a damn thing so if I were you I would butt out. You'd think you had a nose the size of Snape with the way you act".

"I don't like being spoken too like that. Besides, you're cold, cynical, bitter... Everything Hermione disagrees with. Hermione even knows this is a bad idea, but she won't admit it to herself. You can't fall in love. You're not capable".

His voice was rising now, and his rage was growing. "I don't like being spoken too like that, Weasley. Perhaps it isn't a good idea. Perhaps I am cold, cynical, bitter, evil, twisted whatever the fuck else you want to label me with. Perhaps I am a heartless bastard. But she _changes _me. She changes me in a way that your fairy tale relationship doesn't change you. You and Potter together is so predictable. You two don't bicker, don't yell, don't have intellectual conversations... you two aren't raw. It's too cookie cutter of a relationship for your life to revolve around it, or for him, or the relationship to change you. But Granger and I... Go ahead, why don't you fill that in. She's told you plenty, I'm sure. You've seen a lot of it with your own damn eyes, and heard it if not seen it. So don't you ever try to define how I feel, Weasley, because with all fucking due respect, you don't know shit about me, or my life, or how I work considering you've never even had a proper conversation with me, even before I redeemed myself".

Ginny bit her lip, studying him. "You know, Malfoy, I have seen things. I know it's all real, and I know you love her, and I know for a fact that she loves you. I just can't wrap my finger around the fact that you're not some heartless bastard anymore".

He smirked. "Oh I wouldn't go that far, Weasley".

"What does it feel like to you... not having her?"

"The problem is, it feels like a mix of everything of nothing. It feels empty and horrible and... black. There is no white. There is no grey. It feels like a dementor came. Hell, one could probably suck out my soul and I wouldn't know the difference".

Ginny Weasley furrowed her brow, considering something. She grabbed his wand off the nightstand and handed it to him. "Here. You've heard of the Patronus charm, I assume?"

"The fundamentals" he nodded stiffly. "But I don't know how to do it. I've never tried".

"Try to cast one. Think of a happy memory".

The happy memory was not hard to think of. He thought of Granger. He thought of when Granger told him he loved her. He thought of their kisses, arguments, laughs, smiles and everything in between. And then he flicked his wand in a lazy motion and uttered the incantation. He was just as impressed as Ginny that he had managed the spell on his first attempt, but that was another thing him and Granger had in common; gift.

The creature was an otter. He had been expecting a dragon, or a snake, or something else that was more Slytherin. He had no idea why a weak little creature like an otter would come forth from his wand. Weasley had some sort of idea, though, or so it seemed. She was smirking knowingly. He narrowed his cold grey eyes at her.

"Why are you so smug, Weasley? Wouldn't you have rather that I failed so you could constantly harass me about it?"

"Some people have their Patronus change or appear a certain way when they love someone".

He twerked an eyebrow. "And?"

"Have you ever seen Hermione's Patronus?" Ginny chuckled. "You're clueless, aren't you. Hermione's Patronus takes the shape of an otter; it always has. That can only mean one thing".

Ginny turned to leave the room. "By the way, Malfoy, we're not friends now".

"Why would I ever want to be friends with a Weasley?"

She grinned smugly. "Why would you ever want to fall in love with Hermione Granger?"

And he tried to think of a witty comeback, but he couldn't even after she had left minutes ago. He had to let her win that one.

Dammit.

::::::::::::::

"Do you think he thinks about me, Pansy?" asked Hermione anxiously. She was sure Pansy was growing tired of that question, simply because it had become part of all their conversations in the past five days and she gave the answer each time. She was beginning to wonder why she even responded anymore, especially right then, at three o'clock in the morning on guard duty.

Pansy rolled her eyes and sighed in exasperation. "For the last fucking time, Hermione, he probably thinks about you all the damn time. Now would you stop bringing it up? You're just stressing yourself out further".

"Sorry" she replied weakly. "I just can't stop worrying".

"You never stop worrying".

Hermione sat down on a tree stump. The tree had been cut down, killed prematurely... killed when it had just started to blossom. It reminded her so much of her and Draco's relationship. It reminded her so much of everything, really. Everything seemed to be being cut down before it even had the chance to grow.

"I want to leave" sighed Hermione. "I want to go back home, go back to where Draco is. But that's what always happens, isn't it? It's so cliche and overused... but home _has _become where he is".

::::::::::::::

Normally, Hermione would have been ecstatic for a chance to go on a mission to the Order of the Phoenix. Her home was there. Not in the physical sense, because the physical surroundings of the Order seemed to change so much, but the sense that she felt at ease, or at ease as she could be. At least there she felt loved.

She was first asked to spy on them again two weeks after Draco's departure.

"So, Granger" began Dolohov, pacing back in forth slowly. "You have an interesting opportunity on your hands here. You see, we need more information on the Order, and we would like for you to collect it".

Hermione nodded, not daring to object... yet. "Of course, sir".

"I assume you have no objection to Veritaserum? You will be interviewed under its influence once we get back. For after what happened with you Mr. Malfoy you can't be too careful. You know, Granger, I always thought he was a fool for choosing you. But the real fool was you for choosing him. He's arrogant, weak, cowardly... like his father in every way possible".

"Yeah, minus the fact that his father is evil" she said, attempting to make her voice sound sweet and innocent. It worked, to some extent. But there was a venom there that judging by his smirk, he seemed to recognize.

"There is no room for love in this. Especially since he is the enemy now -

"Draco isn't my enemy".

Dolohov raised his eyebrows and grinned smugly. "Suite yourself then. We'll find out who's right about the matter in the end. Draco wouldn't protect you the way you'd protect him, and you'll find that out soon enough".

She nodded. "When do I leave?"

"Two days, the ninth of April".

"Okay, erh - sir".

She was still shaking when she left the room. How in the hell was she going to get herself out of this? But she did the only thing she could, she pulled out her quill and began to write, attaching it to Pansy's owl when she was finished.

::::::::::::::

"It's not safe to have a bloody owl come here" Draco complained evening as he went to make himself coffee. "It'll give us away. Who the hell would be sending us a letter anyways? Are they daft?"

Harry began to laugh, and Ginny snorted. "You won't be so angry when you hear who it's _from_" said Ginny, grinning and laughing under her breath.

He raised a platinum eyebrow. "And why the fuck is that?"

"The letter is from Hermione, Malfoy" the redhead replied.

Draco's furrowed his brow, gawking awkwardly for a moment. Both Weasley and Potter's shoulders were still shaking with silent laughter. "That does change things a little bit, doesn't it?" he mumbled.

"Told you" said Ginny. "I told you you wouldn't be angry anymore".

Draco watched greedily as Harry's hands worked at the envelope and finally managed to remove the letter. His green eyes skimmed over it, and Draco watched him intently, trying to decipher which emotions were present in the first place. Potter's brow furrowed write away, which he knew as a sign that it was something either perplexing or troubling. He only prayed it wasn't the latter.

"Malfoy" Potter sighed. "I think we're going to need your help here. Hermione's in a bit of a -

"What the fuck is happening to her?" he asked, his voice much more quick-paced and frantic than he had originally intended. "Is she being tortured? Did she get threatened? Did Parkinson fuck things up more?"

"Calm down, nothing's happened yet. She's just... She has a mission. She has to come here and spy for a month".

Draco arched an eyebrow to show his confusion. "Shouldn't that be a good thing?"

"That's the problem, I thought it was good when I first read her letter, too" Potter sighed. "She has to take Veritaserum when she gets back to the Death Eaters. They're going to force her".

His grey eyes widened before he managed to whisper, "They'll kill her".

"How optimistic of you, Malfoy" scoffed Ginny.

He frowned, remembering his conversations with Granger about realists and optimists. "I'm a realist, Weasley. If you have any reason to believe that Antonin Dolohov, the Death Eater who has tried to kill her on multiple occasions, will show her mercy than by all means do explain".

"Well so far he's done that much and they know she's a spy, don't they?"

"He hasn't used her enough yet. He's a Slytherin, Weasley" Draco sighed. "All I know is she can't leave".

"You know they'll find us eventually right?"

"Granger has so many people that care for her and would fight for her".

"Like you" said Ginny, rolling her eyes in exasperation.

It was not a secret to him that Ginny disapproved of his relationship with Granger, but it was never spoken. She never said it aloud, but showed it by means of her gestures and attitude towards him. "Yes, Weasley" he agreed, smirking. "Like me".

"Tell me something about yourself. I may not like you, Malfoy. But if Hermione can love you, I can tolerate you... for her sake".

He was unsure what something about himself would be. People in the Order already knew everything, anyways. They knew he was an arrogant son-of-a-bitch who drowned his problems in firewhiskey. "You know everything".

"No" Ginny disagreed. "What's your favorite color?"

"Grey" he answered. Ginny made a sort of snorting sound and he scowled at her. "If you'd let me explain my reasoning you might understand. Grey is the color between light and darkness; so really, it's like -

"It's like you" she finished.

"Yeah, Weasley. It is like me".

The redhead thought for a moment. "When did you start questioning Blood Status?"

"Sixth year" he responded. "Sixth year was the year when everything... change. I'm sure your little boyfriend has well acquainted you with the stories, Weasley. A lot of things changed there".

"When did you hate your father?"

"I tried not to loathe him" he sighed. "I tried, but it was all in vain. I knew that it would never work. When I really hated him was after fifth year when he told me - when he told me he was working for Voldemort again. He was putting it all on the line; our family, our reputation, our lives... and for what? For some power? You know, you might underestimate me and think I'm cold and bitter, but I ended up that way. Everyone starts out the purest white, but they taint over time. It was my father, and my past, that turned me grey".

Ginny furrowed her brow and said nothing for a long while. Finally, she spoke. "It's getting late. I'm going to bed... Goodnight, Ma- Draco".

He didn't reply with words, but with a curt nod. She annoyed him; everything about her did. But this was for Granger.

::::::::::::::

She Apparated into the Order's campsite on a clear midnight, and immediately felt some false sense of home. This was not her home anymore. She hated thinking it. She tried to tell herself it wasn't true, and that it never would be. This was supposed to be her first night staying in the tent with them, her first night back with the friends she loved so dearly... and with _him. _

But she found her knees failing her, her emotions failing her.

She collapsed to her knees and began to cry.

Cry for what she was going to lose, cry for what she had already lost, cry for him, cry for her friends, cry for the family that didn't remember her... cry for _everything _this war had shattered. She decided as she cried there that she had lost herself, too.

She didn't care that she would probably die. She didn't.

Really, she had already died a long time ago.

They all had.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note **

I'm as slow as a turtle nowadays to be honest. Sorry! I don't know if this was good either. Whatever I tried. Gold star for that?


	25. The Candle's Flame

**Chapter 25 ~ The Candle's Flame**

_"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me  
And all this devotion was rushing out of me  
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me  
But the arms of the ocean delivered me  
__Though the pressure's hard to take__  
It's the only way I can escape"_  
~ Never Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine

Draco groaned as he was awoken by the sound of a stir in the far right corner of his room near the door. He looked at the clock and frowned when he saw that it was four o'clock in the morning. It was still dark outside, the window enchanted into their tent showed him as much. There were fireflies out though. He liked that. It was a simple thing that he wouldn't admit to liking aloud, but he would indeed do it internally.

The grogginess began to dissipate, and then he realized exactly _who _was in the corner of his room. He pulled himself up, walking slowly in case that he was dreaming. He wanted to assess the situation, to see if she was real at all. The shadow figure was shaped like Granger; the wild hair gave it away, and the petite stance. The darkness made the features he had grown to need impossible to see.

Once he was in arm's length from her, he cautiously outstretched his arm and placed a gentle yet firm hand on her cheek and stroked her jawbone. He felt her jaw drop slightly at this touch, parting her lips the way that she always did when he caressed her that way. After a moment, she pushed his hand away. He furrowed his brow in confusion despite the fact that she couldn't see his features anyway.

"You didn't even leave a note" she said weakly. His stomach lurched at the hurt in her voice. "You - you didn't even say goodbye. You didn't tell me you were going to go! You just left me there".

He was quite sure that she was crying. He would have comforted her, hugged her, but he felt this was not the appropriate thing to do for comfort when he created the pain in the first place. "I didn't think it would be necessary, Granger. I didn't think - I thought with your mind you'd be able to put two and two together".

"Just because I can put it together doesn't mean I don't want you to say goodbye to me!" her voice was becoming louder and higher pitched, the way it always did when she was about to begin sobbing. "Especially after you told me you loved me! S-Some fucking way to show it! You left me without a w-word! Pansy had to comfort me for h-hours! I know that you d-didn't mean it! You didn't have to say it!"

Draco winced. "I meant it, Granger".

"But -

"Don't fucking 'but' me" he snapped. He lit a candle with a lazy flick of his wand so that she could see his features; see his honesty. "Do you think that I would have gone through all this just because? Do you think that I would go to _you _for an easy lay? Hell, you're anything but easy. _Anything _but easy. Do you honestly believe that I would tell someone I love them just because? _Shit_, Hermione! I've loved you for months now, way longer than I've cared to admit! I wouldn't just fucking say that! I'm anything but a cuddly teddy bear, and you of all people should know that".

He looked as her as though she was insane when she began to giggle uncontrollably. "I'm sorry, but the words cuddly teddy bear even coming out of your mouth is too much" she managed to say through her giggling. He attempted to scowl, but it ended up being a grin.

After she stopped laughing, he spoke again. "Do you believe me?"

Hermione bit her lip before nodding tensely. "I do - I do believe you. It just hurt me so much that you would say that - that you would say that and just walk away like it never happened".

"It was for the good of both of us" he murmured.

He met her honey colored eyes that were illuminated by the only small light in the room and _Merlin _he had missed them. He approached her apprehensively, unsure whether she would shove him away. He didn't want her to. He wanted her. He could go as far as say he _needed_ her in that moment. To his pleasure, she stepped into him this time and feathered a light kiss on the corner of his mouth, resting her forehead on his. She felt his erratic breaths against her skin, and she heard her own. It was amazing how intimate such a simple gesture could be, and he felt as close as ever to her in that moment.

"It feels like it has been so long" she breathed, wrapping her arms around his neck and smiling. "So damn long".

"It has" he blurted without thinking. He cursed himself internally for how needy that sounded after only three weeks apart.

She stood up on her tip toes and pressed another light kiss on the tip of his nose. "I know" she whispered.

He closed the distance with the most gentle kiss he could manage to give her. He took out everything, excreting every emotion left in him and pouring it into her. It seemed she was doing the same. All the anger, the frustration, the pain, the numbness, the depression, the need, the forlorn, the lust... the love.

She whimpered when Draco pulled at her bottom lip with his teeth, and she felt a familiar anticipation return near her navel. He earned his first real moan when he sucked at a tender spot he knew drove her mad near her ear, and he hardened at the sound. She ground against his arousal, earning her a moan of her own. She hadn't realized how _much _she had grown to need his release. She needed this so much it was almost unhealthy, but she couldn't possibly care even if she tried.

The kisses he was scattering across her fair skin were growing more open mouthed and desperate. He trailed his lips down her neck and to the top of her breast as he lifted her right leg off the ground and wrapped it around his waist. She tugged at his shirt, removing it without much difficulty. Once she had done so, she kissed down his chest the way he had done to her and enclosed his nipple in her mouth. He groaned and hissed 'fuck' under his breath, sliding his hands up her shirt and grazing her ribs. She shivered at the barely-there touch.

Everything was tantalizingly slow; so slow and gentle that it was maddening. He handled her like a fragile canary, and she adored it. She began working at his sweatpants, but twitched and lost control when he circled her nipple with his tongue, the same way she had done to that. "I was trying to - _oh, God_" she moaned.

She felt him smirk against her shoulder, which he was now dragging his teeth along. He chuckled, and it was so low and raspy that she felt her heart skip a beat. "Revenge is sweet, Granger".

Hermione trailed her hands down his torso and below his pants and boxes to show him how very sweet revenge could be. He shuddered when her hand wrapped firmly around his erection, which was now bulging uncomfortable against his suddenly tight sweatpants. "It is, isn't it?" she whispered into his ear. He hissed once more when she hit a particularly sensitive place.

He began pushing her backwards after murmuring, "Bed, Granger". She hummed in agreement, finally freeing both herself and him from their bottoms so they were completely bare.

He knew he wouldn't manage to last half as long as he would like; it had been weeks. He had to get her close, close_, close. _He began placing kisses at the apex of her thighs, and she groaned in frustration. The chuckle that escaped him stimulated her in a way that was far too familiar. But that stimulation was nothing compared to what it was once he pressed his tongue against the most sensitive point on her body in a well learned speed. She attempted to control her hips, but she was writhing within minutes. Her whole body shivered and her hips bucked forward when the speed became more fast and desperate. "_Now, _Draco".

He didn't need to be begged. He could tell she was ready; she was flushed a light coral color, she was exceptionally wet and her pupils were dilating. He pressed his lips against hers as he entered her. He was normally fast, and not particularly gentle or rough, but somewhere in a happy middle;but not this time. This time he was intending to be as gentle and slow as he could; but she liked that. She liked the tender kisses he was placing on the underside of her breaths and the concentration gracing his features. He was flushed, too.

She loved the way he looked like this. He looked more peaceful than he did anywhere else. She loved seeing him so vulnerable. But she couldn't study him any longer. Her eyes rolled back in her head and closed and her toes curled and uncurled. She was shivering gracelessly under him, and he sped up his pace and stroked her in the same gentle way he did everything else. With a final and heedless cry, she unraveled. The rippling around him sent him over the edge as well.

They lay there intertwined as they caught their breath, grinning. She loved his post-coital grin, and the way that his eyelids were hooded over slightly. He pecked her dimple, causing her smile to only grown.

"You really are my silver lining, you know" he murmured, nuzzling her neck.

"I shouldn't be... I - I don't know what will happen with -

He glowered at her. "Could you please shut up? This is the first time I've been content in... well only God knows how long".

"Men" she whispered, laughing airily.

He raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Sorry I just - men are always happy with sex. It's all sex for them. You'd think they think with their... you know".

Draco burst out laughing with that, such a full laugh he was sure he would wake the whole camp. "You never fail to astound me. You have shagged me plenty of times and yet you still can't even say the word penis".

She blushed. "I - well I-

"I like that about you" he admitted, smiling his lopsided smirk that made her stomach tie itself in knots. "You're more amusing than I ever could have imagined. Who could guess that bookworm, Gryffindor prude Hermione Granger could be any fun?"

"I'm hardly a prude".

He narrowed his silvery eyes in response, considering the matter. "I suppose you're not. I guess that that's my fault, though".

"I don't regret anything" she murmured, snuggling up on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat brought her comfort; she could swear it skipped a beat when she rested her head there. "I wouldn't take any of it back, you know. Not for anything".

He said nothing, he simply continued to stroke her hair and he tightened his arm around her waist.

She fell asleep like that; to the feel of his touch and the sound of his heartbeat. The heart she tried to forget that most likely had numbered beats, just like her own. She only hoped they would die like this.

If she died in this moment, she would be completely fine with it.

::::::::::::::

He had decided to teach her Occlumency. It was not only his decision, the suggestion was praised by both Potter and Weasley, the two people he talked to most. Teaching was proving much more testing and difficult than he had ever expected, and somehow he managed to sympathize with all the teachers he had hated at school. Draco was quickly growing snappy and frustrated, and she was reciprocating more so.

"Well this is the first time I've ever fucking tried, Draco" she shouted in the midst of their argument. "I've never fucking attempted it before today! Would you give me a break? I'm sorry I don't possess your 'prodigious skill' in this area!"

"You're not trying, Granger! You're letting me in too easily! I could see everything that ever happened to you if I wanted to" he retorted. "You're just fucking let me in! You can't let me in, then Dolohov will get in!"

"Why does it matter so much? It's my first day -

"_YOU CAN'T GET YOURSELF KILLED!_" he bellowed, breathing heavily. She recognized a flicker of pain in his eyes. "You can't. You have to stay. You have to stay for me. You won't be able to if you don't learn this". _  
_

She sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if I want to stay at -

"Don't you dare" he hissed. "Don't even say that you won't stay with me. Don't even say that. Do you know... How would I fucking fight this war without you here? I wouldn't have anyone. In case you haven't noticed, you're the only person who has ever understood me at all".

Hermione placed a dainty hand on his knee, causing him to meet her gaze again. She loved his eyes; they were one of the many physical features of his that she absolutely adored. "I know, Draco. We're all tired. We all want this to be over in whatever way possible. Sometimes death is a possible way".

"Death is the only possible way".

She bit her lip. "Is it wrong that I want to run away with you?"

He shook his head. "No, Granger. It's only wrong if you act on it" he smirked. "Besides, you're far too high on your horse to back down from a challenge. It would ruin your precious dignity.

She cupped his face in her hands and traced his sharp features with her thumbs, grinning reluctantly. "I still think you're a prat".

"I still think you're a haughty know-it-all".

"Good".

"Great".

And then his lips covered hers in a kiss as competitive as their arguments.

She decided that this was her favorite form of arguing.

::::::::::::::

Dinner had taken an interesting turn. Somehow, to Hermione's surprise, the Order members seemed okay with Draco's presence. The bigger surprise, however, was that some of them seemed to actually enjoy his company. She found it bizarre that in a matter of weeks they had learned to tolerate him.

George was chuckling over something Draco had said when Hermione brought the matter up. "You all seem to - to actually _like _his company".

Dean Thomas snorted. "Hardly. We only put up with him 'cause of you".

"I don't mind him. He's alright for an arrogant bastard that happens to be a Slytherin" George shrugged. "He's pretty annoying when he's swooning over you, Hermione".

Ginny laughed. "He's like a little school girl".

"Not some girls... What was it? 'With eyes as green as a fresh pickled toad?'" countered Draco, grinning at the scowl now on her features. "At least I don't say 'Hermione's eyes are as brown as dirt'".

Hermione slapped his arm. "My eyes don't look like dirt".

"They're brown. At least I didn't say they look like shit" he drawled. She slapped his arm again. "See what she puts me through? Abusive. I should call the ministry on you, Granger".

"Your insults are as bold as a Gryffindor" she quipped smugly.

He mimed vomiting, causing a few people to chuckle. "I take offense to that. But that insult was as sly as a _Slytherin_".

"I'll get you back for that".

He leered at her intently. "Oh believe me, I have some ideas of my own of how to get you back".

Her lips parted before she hastily changed the subject. Under the table, his hand slid up to her thigh and he traced the word 'prude' on her leg. Even through jeans he affected her. She traced the word 'bastard' on his, and he too was affected. This was indeed going to be a long meeting.

::::::::::::::

Draco had cornered her the minute everyone else had returned to their tents, not even waiting before they left the main tent to retreat to their own. He had her against one of the brick walls of the tent, his lips painfully close to hers. "I couldn't even focus during that meeting" he hissed. "Who would have thought that you could be so Slytherin?"

She raised her eyebrows. "And you weren't?"

"I'm always Slytherin" he raised his eyebrows, too. "I see that you've still kept the wit of a Gryffindor, though. Pity".

She grinned evilly. "Do you have to have wit to do this?" She wrapped her hand around the base of his length, which quickly hardened at the touch, despite that the grip was through his trousers. He let out a raspy sort of breath. "Didn't think so, Draco".

He pushed her hand away quickly, some sort of passionate determination visible in his eyes. "I'm going to fuck you right here, Granger".

"Do it then" she challenged.

He was kissing her with ferocity then. She wrapped her legs around his waist and they tumbled into the table, knocking a few plates and some silverware onto the hardwood floor. He sat her down upon it, throwing off the tablecloth and some more metal silverware along with it. She giggled excessively when one of the ceramic plates fell on the floor and broke. "There's no need to trash the place. They'll think that Death Eaters invaded".

He pushed her back slightly so her knees were against the edge of the table, knocking another cup over in the process. She giggled again. He shrugged and began working at her shirt and nibbling on her collarbones. "Oops".

"Oops" she echoed, smiling a smile that he could not see, but she could not hold back. It was meant for her and her alone.

Draco quickly had her shaking and releasing melodious whimpers that only he had ever heard. He felt a swell of pride in his chest as he thought that, and just to tease her, he made his hip movements excruciatingly slow. The odd position hit her deep and she was lost in her own contentment.

"Draco" she sighed. "I love -

His lips returned the incomplete declaration before she even knew they were hitting hers.

This was the only time she loved being interrupted.

::::::::::::::

Harry was scowling at both them and the purple marks on their necks and shoulders at breakfast. Though it only took a few '_Reparos'_ and a levitation spell to put the dining room back in order, the Chosen One was rather irritated about it. "Did you two really have to trash the dining room?"

Hermione looked mortified, and she shamefully buried her red face in her hands; well aware that everyone in the room was watching her. She saw through the cracks in her fingers that Draco, whom was beside her, looked calm and almost proud.

"It was necessary" he replied, shrugging.

"So do explain why it was essential to absolutely destroy a perfectly good room?"

Draco raised his eyebrows. "Do you want the blunt honesty, or do you want me to leave some room for reading between the lines? Oh to hell with it, I prefer blunt honesty, Potter. I wanted to shag her right where I was, so I did".

"Oh for the love of God" she whispered as many people laughed. "Jesus Christ, Draco Malfoy. Honesty is the best policy for you, isn't it?"

"Fine, then I'll lie. I was working on an art piece. She was going to be the center point. That's why I scattered bite marks all on her neck. I was trying to make the shape of a flower, but it didn't work so well".

She couldn't half but chuckle at that, and it was a full chuckle that would have came out of her even in the darkest of times.

But that's what he was, wasn't it?

The light. The candle's flame. The lantern.

She was starting to think that he was no longer grey. He was becoming white again.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

I wrote this in like an hour and a half to be honest haha. I like it a lot though. I'm on a roll! I'm not too far from the end of this but not as close as I thought I was originally. I already have ideas for the fic I'm writing after this so something else to look forward to I guess!


	26. Angel

**Chapter 26 ~ Angel**

_"I may not have the softest touch, I may not say the words as such  
And though I may not look like much... I'm yours  
And though my edges may be rough, I never feel I'm quite enough  
It may not seem like very much... but I'm yours  
__You healed these scars over time, e__mbraced my soul, you loved my mind  
You're the only angel in my life, the day news came my best friend died  
My knees went weak and you saw me cry, say I'm still the soldier in your eyes"  
__~ I'm Yours by the Script_

She wasn't sure why she was taking joy in something as insignificant as the breeze. Each evening at sunset, she would sit in the humid spring air just for the sensation against her skin. Draco called her crazy for wanting such a small thing, but she told him that it was the small things that mattered. She reminded him that a lot of small things create big things; whether realizations or experiences. Small things like brooding around. If Hermione had not brooded, she reminded him, they wouldn't have ever been anything more but enemies.

But then again, that wasn't true.

She often pondered when exactly the catalyst was for them; when the exact moment that they were pushed together was. It all seemed to blur. So she changed her reasoning after a couple of talks with him. She thought that it was a multitude of small things that lead to other things. She said perhaps feeling the breeze outside would help her somehow in life. He snorted. But he was rendered speechless when she said, 'What would have happened if you had never seen me put butter on my toast?'

He was forced, however reluctantly, to acknowledge that insignificant things were important.

::::::::::::::

Draco was particularly depressed four days after she arrived. It was not what he wanted, to shut himself away and drink away his anguish. But in the end, that was the only way for him. He wasn't sure if it was just one of his moods that he would get over within a few hours or if it was the product of the nightmare he had had the night prior to his depression.

He had dreamed of the night on the tower again. The memory haunted his dreams from time to time, but that was not all that was in this dream. He was killing his father, killing his very first kill, thinking of killing himself... It seemed every unpleasant memory he had ever experienced was coming back all at once. He woke up with tears in his eyes and frustration in his mind. He threw one of the glass cups on the nightstand to the floor to take out some of his frustration.

But it didn't help. It made him feel worse that something else was broken. He repaired it with his wand immediately. He only wish '_Reparo_' would work on the deepest abysses of his soul. He wished that it would repair the pain that Granger was undeniably feeling at the moment, all on his accord. The fact that he was disappointing her by doing this only made him want to shut himself away longer so that he could not disappoint her any longer.

Some days, like this one, he wondered what his mother would think of him if she was still alive. Surely she would be proud, he knew that much. She would be proud that he joined the right side rather than followed in his father's footsteps. That was not the matter in question. He wondered what his mother would think of his complicated relationship with Granger, or what she would think about the fact that when he was upset he drowned himself in alcohol rather than talking it out with someone else. It was just much easier that way.

He watched the clock on his wall as it struck noon. He knew that meant that soon Granger was going to come check on him. She always did when he slept past noon, simply because she knew it meant he was typically drinking and emotionally overwhelmed. He tapped his fingers on the nightstand in the same rhythm of the second hand, waiting. Sure enough, at a quarter past twelve Hermione opened his door and scrunched up her face.

"What is it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"It smells like a brewery in here, and it looks like one too, if you ask me" she scolded, using her wand to throw awake some of the firewhiskey bottles on the floor. After she did so, she looked at him with such a hurt in her eyes that he felt his breath leave him. "Why didn't you come to me? You just... you ran to alcohol. Draco,I feel like I'm not good enough for -

"Why do you love me, Granger?" he inquired. The slurred, drunken words left his mouth before he even knew they were on his tongue. The bluntness of them seemed to catch her off guard. He sighed, repeating, "Why do you love me?"

"I - I don't know. There are a thousand reasons why I do, but they wouldn't explain exactly why I do. I'm just drawn to you in a way that I've never been drawn to someone. My stomach does flips if you as much as talk to me, smile at me, enter a room, and then I just feel so warm. And you're always here for me. You always are".

He took another swig of his firewhiskey, unable to process the information entering his mind. "I can't wrap my mind around it, you know. You could have someone stable, and better, and less heartless and arrogant -

"I want heartless and arrogant" she whispered, laying down beside him and placing her hand over his heart. She noticed that the love bites on his neck from a few days prior were still there, and it reminded him that he was real, and that he was indeed hers. "You wouldn't be you if you weren't heartless and arrogant".

Draco shrugged. "It would be better if I wasn't me really".

"What do you want from me, Draco?" she sighed.

"I want you to be happy" he answered simply. "I want you to have someone who's reliable and stable and -

"The stability is the problem! Yeah, we fight, we scream, we hate each other, but that's what keeps the problem there! Why do you think me and Ron fell through? Why do you think I fell out of love with him? You're my first _real _love, Draco and the fact that we have passion there is why you make me feel so much" she yelled.

"But I disappoint you!" he shouted. "I always disappoint you! Always. And you fucking know it, Granger. I'm not fucking good enough to be with someone like you. I'm a _bad person_! Hell, everyone knows! But you're all about hopeless cases. You created Spew, you helped Longbottom in potions... I'm just another little pity case for you, it's obvious that that's it".

"Would you _stop it _Draco? Would you fucking stop it?" she seethed. She was crying now, and he winced at the realization. "Stop trying to push me away! You should know by now that I'm not going _anywhere _no matter what you do".

"Well how can I convince you to leave me alone?" he murmured, his tone soft and pained. "You and I both know it would be easier if this - this thing didn't exist. All I do is ruin everything anyways".

"You make me feel better than anyone" she sobbed. "And you're completely blind to it. The only time I'm ever happy is when I'm around _you. _You're all I have. Please don't take that away from me... please".

She walked towards his bed apprehensively and lay down beside him before cupping his face in her hands and ghosting her lips on his cheek. "I need you" she whispered.

"I know" he said quietly. "I know".

Draco wrapped his arms around her then, pulling her as close as he could manage and she rested her head on his heart, where she could hear it. She sat up after a while, and he followed her movements. She took his arm in her hands and rolled up his sleeve past where his Dark Mark was... He winced at the sight of it. She must have noticed his expression judging by her next words. "I don't hate you for it. It made you who you are. I love you for it" she smiled forlornly and rolled up her own sleeve on the arm on which 'Mudblood' was forever engraved. "Besides, I match. Society views you as your mark, and me as mine".

An odd urge overtook him and he raised her arm to his lips and planted a kiss on the scar. "You aren't defined by a mark".

"Then why should you be?"

He kissed her then. He had to kiss her then. He would've been a fool not to. He dragged his teeth over the skin on her neck and shoulders, earning him a quiet moan. Her nails dug into his shirt and shoulders, causing him to chuckle against her skin. She asked why, and he replied with, "You're going to leave marks of your own on me, Granger".

"Hmm" she hummed, moaning when he bit down on a particularly sensitive spot near her collar bone.

Once he had finished with conquering every inch of her with his lips, she wrapped her hands around the length of him and began kissing down his arm to the dark blemish on his otherwise perfect skin.

It was the ugliest part of him. It was the part she loved perhaps more than most others; it was the part that made him who he was now. It was part of the making of the man she put above all overs. The man who was her strength and security in a world where all else was changing.

::::::::::::::::

If there was one thing true about Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, it was that they couldn't seem to agree on anything while in the midst of research. Draco personally thought that it would suit them better to do nothing but shag, for they would have no disagreement. But this was made impossible by war, just like many other things they would be able to have if they were not in the middle of a war.

They sat over piles of old, worn books that were lit only by candlelight. It was half past midnight, and irritability was rising to dangerous levels from their hours of research. She looked up from her work for a moment to converse with him. "Draco, have you found anything on Ancient Curses yet? I rather need it as to find out the newer curses origins".

He gritted his teeth. "Yes, Granger, of course I have. You've been harassing me over the matter for the past two hours and I've kept it quiet just so I can hear the beautiful sound of your nagging".

"There's no need to have such an attitude about it, it's a simple question -_  
_

"That you ask me every two minutes!" he snapped. "Maybe if you didn't keep distracting me by asking I would actually be able to concentrate and find something". He turned the page on a particularly delicate book slightly too roughly, and the page quickly fell off. "Oh for the love of God".

"If you didn't rile yourself up over everything then maybe you'd be able to focus!" she retorted. "You always take pride in blaming everything on me".

"Well half the time you're fucking irritating! You drive me up the wall and frankly you piss me off -

"I could say the same to you! You're a bastard! You're constantly blaming everything on other people because you can't take the fall yourself! No one else made you try to go through with killing Dumbledore, no one made you start drinking away your problems, no one made you kill your father on the battle field, and no one is making you be so cold towards everyone!" she cried.

All trace of expression left his features and he stared blankly at her for a few moments, and she winced at the realization of exactly what she had said. "Alright, Hermione. You can finish this out on your own and tell me how it goes".

He left then, leaving her so guilty she could do nothing but stare straight forward. There would be no research done on this night.

::::::::::::::

Hermione was as quiet as she could manage to be when she entered his room; she was careful to step over the floorboard she knew creaked and close the door gently so there was no sound to wake him. Dawn was just beginning to come and the dull, grey light coming in through his window told her that it was going to be a chilly day for spring, though she already knew. She could see her breath in the air despite the fact they were indoors. She stood apprehensively, just watching him.

She jumped when her stirred, turning over on is side but not opening his eyes. He smirked. "Enjoying the show? I could make you some popcorn if you'd like" he drawled, opening his eyes. She met his gaze just so she could look at them. They mirrored the light outside; grey, pale. But there were small specks of blue in them. She knew that despite the fact she couldn't seem them from that distance.

Hermione chewed nervously at her lip. "Do you hate me?"

He sighed. "Do you really think I'd ever be capable of hating you?"

"Well you hate near everyone else so why would I be an exception?"

He stood up, walking over in a slow strut towards where she stood. He placed a hand on her cheek. She shivered from a mixture of being touched by him and the coldness of his hand, but she quickly leaned into the touch. He chuckled under his breath, flashing her the half-grin that made her heart jump into her throat each time she saw it. "I'd be a fool to hate you".

"B-but we always shout at each other and bicker and ignore each other".

He sighed and massaged the bridge of his nose in an attempt to help think of the words to reply to her statement with. After a few moments, he snaked one of his arms around her thin waist and the other on the middle of her back, pulling her so close to him he could swear that if he were in her place, he would feel claustrophobic.

But Granger did not care. Granger was not him, despite their many similarities. He thought people were fools for thinking that it was the similarities in people that brought them to fall in love with each other... he disagreed. He knew if Granger was any more like him than she already was that he would loathe her, and they would clash horribly.

The differences, the gaps, the ridges; that was what made puzzle pieces fit together. Him and Granger were two puzzle pieces that were meant to fit, meant to coexist, meant to be by the other's side. For if they weren't connected, the whole world around them wouldn't look right... wouldn't _be_ right.

"We're puzzle pieces" he stated before he could stop himself. He thanked Merlin that she got the message and he didn't have to explain the cliche and overused metaphor that wouldn't sound right coming out of his mouth.

She seemed to know exactly what he meant, for she rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms his neck, standing on her tiptoes so she could press a feather-light kiss slightly behind his ear. "Clever metaphor, Draco" she murmured, her exhaustion from lack of sleep apparent in her voice. "We're imperfect and different but neither is whole without the other... no one else would fit the same way as either of us do..."

He frowned, remembered that every puzzle that got construction got taken apart, eventually. Sometimes puzzles would be put away forever, dead and forgotten, not ever reassembled. He only hoped that something would put theirs back together, in the end.

:::::::::::::

They slept until nightfall, making up for their previous lack of sleep. Hermione was the first to awake. She did not have to look outside to know that it was raining; the constant sound of 'tapping' on their tent made it quite apparent. But still, she looked. She always saw beauty in the rain others failed to see. She thought that rain both cleansed and awakened the most damaged of souls, and made the soul feel alive again. She thought it might be just what Draco needed; and she thought she might need it as well.

She nudged is shoulder and he groaned, rolling out from under her and pulling the white comforter over his head. "Draco, wake up".

Draco pushed the blanket away so she could see his face and glared at her groggily. She secretly adored the way he looked when he woke up; pale blonde hair in casual disarray, hooded lids half covering his grey eyes. "Sometimes I wish I was two skin tones lighter than I am so I could blend in with my bed set and be left to sleep in peace".

Hermione snorted. "Well aren't you the morning person".

He glanced at the window and then back at her, raising an eyebrow and gesturing to the outdoors. "That's morning to you?"

"That's not the point of why I woke you up. I just thought that we could go outside and just... walk or something".

His arched brow raised even higher. "Are you barking? Merlin, I would've thought you of all people would still have their common sense, even in a time of war. Going out there is like suicide".

"For prissy brats like you who can't stand to get even a little bit dirty".

"You of all people, Granger, should know that I'm perfectly fine with getting a little dirty" quipped Draco, smirking. She turned faintly pink. "And why do you want to go out there, anyways? I had to pull you into the water with me when I wanted to go for a swim, and going outside is nearly a swim in itself at the moment".

"Rain just washes away people's worries and qualms and... It's so soothing to me".

He frowned. "Can't you just let it soothe you inside? You can hear it, you can look at it, you can practically feel it with the worn out state of this damned tent. Just go in the room that Lovegood sleeps and you'll be able to feel some from the leak".

"I think you need it".

"Why?"

She huffed. "Do you have to be so bloody difficult all the time? Just do something once without reason... live a little. We might not be alive tomorrow with the way times are. Particularly me... Trust me, Draco".

The pleading in her eyes threw him off and he sat up in is bed. Once she had pulled herself up as well, he tucked a single ringlet curl behind her ear and sighed in withdrawal. "I do trust you, Granger".

She smiled and got up, putting on her own coat as he put on his. She intertwined their fingers as they walked outside into the rain, prepared to face the storm together.

::::::::::::::

Draco's hair was soaked the instant he was outside, but he didn't mind, much. His mind seemed to revolve only around Hermione whenever he was around her, and notice nothing else. They sat down under a maple tree near the lake, the sound of the rain hitting the leaves surrounding them completely. He leaned up against the back of the tree trunk and pulled his lover between his legs and wrapped his arms around her waist, simply admiring the world around them for a long while.

After what could have been seconds... minutes... hours, Hermione stood up and offered him a hand so he could do the same. She wasn't sure why she had stood up. It was partially because she was beginning to lose feeling in her behind, or if it was simply because she wanted to look at him. And look at him she did.

But he had already been looking. He thought she somehow looked even more angelic in the rain; a crimson flush was playing at her cheeks and her hair's ringlets became more untamed than perhaps even normal, framing her heart-shaped face perfectly. Her eyes were the only warm thing out in the rain, too... like cinnamon, or honey. She looked so _alive. _

And what hurt him most was that she might not be alive long anymore, and he might not be alive to even look at _her _being alive.

The beat of their hearts were numbered.

They stepped forward simultaneously, like one soul in two separate bodies. He was the first to touch her; cupping her face in his hands and resting his forehead on hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes, he met her halfway leaning down. Something about their height difference made her feel _safe. _He made her feel safe. He was her shelter; from the war, the anguish, the nostalgia, the loneliness, the rain. He was like a healing potion for the soul. She added that to the list of things she would never say to him.

She closed her eyes when he traced her features with his thumbs; her nose, her eyelids, her brow, her cheekbones, her lips... and then his hands moved from her face; removing her jacket and tracing her collarbones, shoulders, neck, back, waist, hips, arms, everything they could reach. The touches were gentle, and her eyes darted open, questioning, when his hands stopped just before her breasts. She hadn't expected them to stop. He read her expression.

"I just want to remember you" he confessed. "I want to remember every inch of you, every inch of me, every inch of us together... This will be a good memory when times get - get worse. When we get separated".

He rolled up her sleeve with much difficulty, for now it clung to her like paint and caressed the scar he hadn't seen before just days ago; Mudblood. There was something very intimate about the innocent gesture that she could not pinpoint for a moment, but then it hit her. He was telling her he loved _her. _He was telling her that he loved every inch of her, all the time, even the parts he hated. He was telling her through touches simply because he could not find the courage to tell her through words. _  
_

"I love you too" she whispered. "We'll figure it out. We'll find a way out of my dea-

"Don't say it, Granger" he warned, closing his eyes. His voice was hollow, seeming to lack any emotion at all. He did not sound angry, he sounded the exact way he did not want her to end up; dead. "Don't you fucking dare say it".

"They'll kill me when they find out, Draco. You know they will. They aren't... _human. _They won't care if what I did was for love, for family, for my future, all they'll care about is that I'm not a sociopath like them. They're like dementors".

His jaw twitched and he did not look up. He couldn't bring himself to. He lowered his hands from her face and clenched them into tight fists. He was fighting tears with all he had, but they were building up "We will _find a way _alright? I'll take the bloody Killing Curse for you if I have to. I'll - I'll do anything".

"It'll be okay" she murmured. "I promised".

He pushed her hand away when she rested it on his cheek and walked towards the water, turning away from her and simply looking out at it. The rain drops disturbed it's peace. "Don't. I - I can't listen to you talk about how you're going to fucking die and just get closer to you after! It kills me! It bloody kills me! Do you know what the fuck it would do to me if you were killed? _Shit_! You can't just say it in passing like it's nothing! It would fucking ruin me, Hermione".

She walked beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder and he did not dare to let his instincts remove it. She came above his pride now. "I know" she said simply, removing his drenched jacket simply so he could feel the kiss she planted on his shoulder. "I know".

He met her gaze then, and he loathed what he saw; pity. "Don't fucking look at me like I'm a pity case! Don't!"

"Well you're so broken -

"Potter wouldn't let me read the letter you wrote to him. He wouldn't. What the fucking hell are you hiding for me? I can take it, Granger. I'm a grown man, I can take a little pain".

"If their assumptions are true they're going to kill me. I - I didn't want you to hear that".

He wasn't sure why, but hearing what he already knew confirmed knocked the wind out of him. He closed his eyes, fighting the damned thing he hated almost as much as the fact that Granger's death was nearly inevitable; tears. He swallowed the lump in his throat. _Pride. Pride Pride. _He couldn't bare to seem week in front of her right then. He couldn't lose his dignity completely, not yet.

He felt her arms wrap around his neck, pushing him slightly closer to the edge, but he only lost it when he felt her lips kiss their way up his neck before he felt her breath in his ear and she whispered, "It will all be okay, Draco".

And then it just came out of him. Months... no _years _of tears came spilling out of him, and hell it made him feel like a child. Where he had expected relief, he only felt the pain growing. He tried to choke back his sobs to save some of his pride, but the efforts made him sound even more pathetic. She traced her thumbs over his cheek, wiping away the tears flowing from his still sealed eyelids. He opened them after a while once the idea of dignity was completely foreign to him and simply pressed his forehead against hers.

Without reason, she began to cry too. She was crying tears of a mix of every emotion she could possibly feel; rage, compassion, empathy, sorrow, grief, happiness, vulnerability, fear, love, and then there was something _else _foreign to her. An emotion she couldn't put a name on. The emotion that came from seeing him this way. She knew she was probably one of the only people to see him _cry _like this; to see him at his most vulnerable. It was the saddest thing she'd ever seen.

The thought of him reacting this way to _her _possible future death made her cry harder.

"What's wrong?" he asked quietly once he managed to keep his sobs silent. He was still shaking in her arms, and she didn't let go.

"You're crying" she answered, crying harder yet.

"I think my pride's wounded enough, thanks" he chuckled, but it sounded more like another sob. "There's no need to point out the obvious".

"It will be alright".

"If you say that one more time, Hermione, I might have to hex you" he muttered. "It's not going to be alright! It'll never be fucking alright again! Everyone is dying, and there's nothing anyone of us can do about it! We just have to sit there and watch our friends, families, lovers, and everything else die right before our eyes. There's nothing we can do but just watch. It's like we're in a window or something looking out at the world around us while everything burns... It's. Not. Fair".

She was unsure of what to say to soothe him, so she said nothing. Instead, she simply covered his mouth with hers. More wet sounds lingered with the rain as they kissed in a soul wrenching way they had never kissed before. They both tasted of salt from their tears, and Hermione could still feel tears running down Draco's cheeks, but she said nothing.

Draco picked up her legs and wrapped them around his waist, beginning to stumble the many yards back towards their tent. He felt so _connected _to her. He was connected to her in a way he'd never been connected to anyone else. She was more connected to him than he was to himself. He grazed his teeth across her neck and shoulders, she moaned, pulling her wet shirt over her head and throwing it to the side.

She was not cold. She had forgotten they were even in the cold, or in the rain at all. All she felt was his warmth; both physical and spiritual warmth that encased her like a freshly washed blanket. She connected their lips again and worked at unbuttoning his flannel shirt. "Everything" he would murmur between kisses. "You're everything".

Her heart swelled with affection for him when she opened her eyes for a moment just to take him in. He was, as cliche as the word was, and as much as he would hate it if she ever spoke it aloud, her soulmate. She finally managed to remove the pesky article of clothing, which he tossed to the side on his own.

She gasped when his cold, moist hands gripped her breasts under her bra. She quickly unclasped it, unsure of where exactly it had fallen, but she did not care. She would just get another one, she told herself. She was unsure if she was shivering because of anticipation or because of the cold, but he decided on the latter and managed to walk them back inside to their safe haven.

He began walking them to the bedroom they shared, knocking some glasses off the coffee table and a few books from their shelves in the midst of the blind pursuit. When they reached it, he lay her down as delicately as he would have to an infant and removed his trousers and her own before settling himself between her legs and connecting them in the most intimate way physically possible. There was something _different _about this time, though. Something very different. There was a new warmth, a new connection they did not have before.

They moved their hips slowly and gently, wet sounds, skin slapping and moaning filling the air of their room. She flipped them over so that she was atop him and continued their ministrations until they were both panting and shaking gracelessly.

A familiar warmth spread over her and the sensation of floating overtook her as she quivered in his ready arms. She felt his hips shake, too and she released a breathless and heedless aria of 'I love you'.

Once they had regained their breath, the awkwardness began to set in. The awkwardness was inevitable, really. She studied him, meeting his hooded grey eyes with her own honey ones, expecting him to shout at her; but he didn't. He licked his teeth in discomfort, but said nothing for a few calculating moments before saying. "I - I think there is something about the rain, Hermione".

She nodded in agreement, chuckling under her breath at his awkward statement. "Yes, there is".

He pulled her into his arms and nuzzled her neck. "Thank you".

"For what?"

"I dunno, existing, I guess. For putting up with an ass like me when you could have someone who was actually you know, stable and stuff".

She giggled. "And usually I'm the awkward one".

"Oh sod off, Granger" he scowled against her skin. "I'm not some romantic woman who swoons over anything or anyone any day. You should consider yourself lucky to get any form of that at all".

"You're just so awkward" she continued to giggle.

"I'm acting awkward. It's practice, you see, for my Occlumency" he smirked.

"Ah, yes, your Occlumency, Draco. I must have forgotten. Does your Occlumency thank me that I 'exist'" her chuckles were becoming louder now.

"Shut up" he said, attempting to sound harsh but laughter began to find its way out of his mouth, too. "What do you want me to say? I love shagging you and I think you have nice breasts?"

"That's your try at romantic?"

"That's every man's try at romantic. The rest of them are just fictional" he sighed. "Listen, Granger, this is a one off and I'm certainly never going to say anything like this again but you... complete me".

She said nothing to that but simply listened to the heartbeat of her lover and let the depths of sleep consume her. She dreamed that they were normal, that there was no war, that they were a normal couple, that they were going to marry...

The dream made her awake in tears. He had asked her why she was crying and she had replied with 'It's just too happy'. He comforted her, however confused he was. And that was the reason Draco's comfort was the best kind of comfort; because he didn't have to understand to know how to make her feel whole again.

* * *

**Author's Note**

'Tis the longest chapter I've posted so far. Yay. Erh yeah. People are probably thinking it will end in tears at this point, but I assure you I won't be too cruel. I think it would make me sad to end this story in a sad way. This story is like my child, it's the first work of writing I've ever published. Well anyways, xoxo.


	27. Worries

**Chapter 27 ~ Worries**

_"My eyes are lonely and cold, they're young and they're old.  
They're looking for a way out, and a moment to let you in.  
They want nothing to do with me, and only want to do with him.__"  
~ My Eyes by Christina Perri_

"I'd prefer if you didn't tell anyone about last night, Granger" he mumbled when her eyelids fluttered open. She hadn't slept so deeply in weeks, perhaps even months. "It should remain between us".

She smirked and rolled over so she hover over him and meet his eyes. "What, that big, bad Draco Malfoy was crying? I might just have to bring that up. It's not a common sight, see".

"Don't you dare" he growled.

"Or what?" she challenged.

"I'll - I'll... I swear, Granger I'll -

"You'll lose the ability to speak normally?" she arched an eyebrow and he glowered at her. "I'm sorry, but that's not remotely frightening. But I'm kidding, Draco. It'll remain between us".

"You're one of the only people to ever see me... like that" he murmured, giving her a soft but unreadable look. "At my worst".

And she had seen him at his worst. She had seen him break down completely, and yet all of it made him more beautiful.

Somehow, in some tragic way, his worst was beautiful.

"Do you think less of me?" he inquired, some sort of concern visible in his eyes.

She shook her head. "Never over that. You have feelings too, Draco. Everyone does. You aren't the only one I've ever seen cry. What kind of person would I be if I judged you for being human? I don't even judge house elves for being house elves".

"Spew" he smirked. She scowled at him. "Sorry, that was far too easy for me, I might add".

"Speaking of fourth year... Why did you tell me to stay safe at the Quidditch World Cup? I've never been able to ask you why and I guess I've always been curious about it... You loathed me".

"Not all of me did, I guess" he shrugged. "I still thought you were human. I still didn't want to see you tortured like that".

She smiled and rested her head on his shoulder, sighing with contentment. "I told you you weren't evil. You never were. Arrogant, cold, rough around the edges, spiteful, bitter... but no, Draco, you were never evil. You were a shade of grey, just like you were when you first got here. Lost, confused, misguided".

He said nothing, but tightened his hold on her and nuzzled her neck, pressing light kisses there occasionally. He felt the world was whole, but he knew that it was only temporary. Everything had to come to an end, eventually. He caught her mouth with his to distract him from the truth of the matter.

He couldn't handle the truth.

The truth wasn't fair.

::::::::::::::

"I love you" she rasped breathlessly.

She was close, close, _close. _He was bucking into her with a speed that was fast, but yet he was gentle. He was trailing his lips over every part of her he could reach. Her breasts, her shoulders, her collarbones, her neck, her jawline, her cheek... her lips. He was doing everything that aroused her most. He was trailing his fingers lightly across her rib cage.

Finally, she came undone around him. Her eyes dilating, her body shaking and a loud cry escaping her lips. He held back his own climax for a moment just to study her. She was beautiful like this. So he told her. "You're beautiful" he murmured, sucking at her earlobe before letting out a hiss when his own hips shook erratically and he found his release in her.

They stayed like that for a long while, just intertwined. He would murmur affectionate things into her ear every now and then, something that was quite foreign to her when it came to Draco, but something she would have absolutely no difficulty getting used to.

::::::::::::::

Hermione went out on a mission with Harry about a week and a half after she had arrived; he did not keep track of the days, or the time. He preferred not knowing, he preferred thinking their days together were infinite.

Without her there, he was terribly bored, and worried. He tapped the dining room table where he sat with his finger tips, staring at the soup he had made for himself but not eating it. He couldn't manage an appetite, not when their time was being wasted. He heard someone come in then, and didn't have to look to match the voice with its owner.

"You're not gonna eat that by looking at it, mate" said Blaize Zabini. He took a seat across the table from him. "You've been staring it down for an hour now, it's getting cold".

Draco stirred the soup with his spoon but did not touch it. "Everything is, isn't it?"

"Yeah" Blaize agreed. "I guess you're right. You don't have any friends besides her... It's not healthy".

"Drinking isn't healthy. Smoking isn't healthy. Lashing out on people isn't healthy. Isolating yourself isn't healthy. I do all of them, how could one more thing possibly hurt?" he sighed. "Besides, Potter's a friend to me, too... or something like one".

"I could be a friend to you too, Draco, if you didn't constantly avoid me. I don't bite, you know. I'm not the same prejudiced little boy I was, and neither are you. We're all men now... good men".

"I'm hardly a good man".

Blaize shrugged. "Close enough to one or you wouldn't be Hermione Granger's lover, or boyfriend, or whatever the hell you consider yourself to be".

"Fair enough" he replied. "But I'm still an ass".

His old friend chuckled and smirked. "You'll always be an ass. So will I. We're Slytherins; we're destined to be bastards. It's marked on us from birth. Listen, a lot of us have changed. Lovegood's depressed now, I would've never thought it possible. Turns out she was shagging Longbottom before he died. She loved him. They were going to marry after the war was over".

Draco looked back down at his soup and ground his teeth together in discomfort.

"Are you going to marry Granger, Draco?"

His eyes darted up. He was taken aback by the question which he had always shoved into the back of his mind. He didn't want to answer it. He didn't want to get his hopes up and have something happen. He licked his teeth the way he always did when he was uncomfortable. "Ask me that question when there is no war and I might have an answer".

Blaize looked at his companion with something like sympathy, which only heightened Draco's discomfort. "I heard that Pansy's still a bitch. She was the one that ratted you guys out to Dolohov, wasn't she?"

Draco nodded. "Typical of her. I think Granger's forgiven her, but you know how she is. She always sees the good in everyone even when it's not there. She's forgiving and people take advantage of it. Hell, she's forgiven me for all the shit I put her through on a practically daily basis without any second thought. Sometimes I wonder if I don't deserve her at all".

"It doesn't matter if you deserve her. Not really. It only matters that you're the person she's in love with".

He said nothing, simply studied his lifelong friend. There was a truth to his words that Draco had not considered before. He nodded before taking a sip of his soup, which to his surprise wasn't yet cold.

"About bloody time" said Blaize, chuckling. "Glad I could give you some peace of mind".

::::::::::::

Hermione and Harry were toasting marshmallows over a fire they had created; she had insisted on doing it the Muggle way, for she said camping wasn't the same with magic. It was an insignificant thing to do when the world around them was crumbling, but perhaps that's what made it so rewarding. The air was filled with both laughter profanity, for Harry kept overcooking his marshmallows and in result they would fall into the fire and burn. It was like being a child again, but Hermione tried to refrain from thinking this, for she had gone camping with her parents as a child; her parents who didn't even remember her now.

They sat in silence for a few moments, simply nibbling on their marshmallows when Hermione spoke. "What keeps you going now?"

"Hope. We won the fight against Voldemort, why should we not be able to fight against the Death Eaters, too?" he explained, gazing into the fire before meeting Hermione's eyes. "Besides, it would all be a waste defeating Voldemort if a new Dark Lord came up, don't you reckon?"

Hermione nodded. "I just wish that was what kept _me _going... but I'm not like you. I have to have something happy occupying my life to have hope".

"Ginny's a large part too, for me" the Chosen One continued. "Or at least... she used to be. We've been falling apart, you know?"

Hermione nodded, biting her lip.

"Do you love Malfoy, Hermione?"

"Yes" she answered immediately. "I - I know I do. I think I have for a long time. He's like... well when we first started this up we referred to our relationship as a 'silver lining'. I still think he is that, really. He helps me and he's softening towards me a lot and we stopped -

"Don't even try to say you two stopped fighting" Harry interjected. "You wake up half the camp shouting every other night, but even that's better than waking up to the sounds of you two -

"Okay, okay I get it" she blushed. "And I wasn't going to say we stopped fighting... We just stopped keeping things to ourselves. Before it was like treading on eggshells but now it's different. We'll always fight, it's just who we are".

He frowned. "You two are so dysfunctional".

"We're dysfunctional in a way that makes us functional, if that makes sense".

Harry raised his eyebrows. "Not at all".

"The lack of function adds passion to our relationship... it's just how things are, you know? We're both very passionate people in anything we do and of course we're going to fight but the bickering is what brings us together and keeps us so enthusiastic".

"I'll always envy your sex life, Hermione".

"Please never say that again. You're like my brother and I don't want to hear that at all in all honesty".

"Well Ginny and I don't really shag all that much. She's usually too grumpy or emotional or something or another. She gets on my nerves nearly all the time, but I know it's just because of the war. Everyone's been a bit of a grouch lately".

"We all are... We're all tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of failing. Tired of killing. Tired of violence. Tired of being afraid. Tired of worrying. Tired of being prisoners in our own heads. Tired of living. We all feel it, we're all dying. Some of us are just dying more quickly than others".

Harry licked his lip, nodding in agreement. He hesitated before he spoke. "Do you think you're going to still be with Malfoy after all of this is over, or is this just a during the war thing?"

"I - I don't know" she stuttered, caught off guard by the questioned. "I think so. I feel like he's _it _for me. Like my soulmate or whatever the hell you want to call it. I'm sure he'd strangle me if I ever called him my 'soulmate' though".

"How loving of him".

"Well you know how Draco is, Harry. He's rather rough around the edges" she stated plainly. "Do you think you'll be with Ginny after all of this is over?"

He shrugged impassively. "I'm not sure. Time will tell, I guess. But I'm starting to think if it was all just a little crush, you know? We don't really have any spark left, and we haven't in a really long time".

"I heard Luna fancies you".

Harry arched an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah, Ginny wouldn't stop ranting about it the other day. That's why they haven't been talking. She was so hacked off about it. Poor Luna. Ginny was yelling at her for over an hour. But I don't blame her. I can only imagine what Draco would be like if someone fancied me".

"It would be very destructive" Harry agreed. "But I think he really loves you, Hermione".

Hermione smiled to herself. "Say it again".

"I think he loves you".

::::::::::::::

Draco was becoming very agitated very quickly. Hermione had said she was coming back in three days and yet it was the morning fourth day and there was no sign of her. It was only a day late, and people often came home a week late, everyone kept reassuring him that, but he couldn't get his mind off of her. He sat tensely at the long table in Headquarters, simply staring at the wall and straining his ears for the sound of Apparition. He flinched when Blaize pulled out the chair beside him and sat down.

"If you stress yourself out anymore, you might explode" remarked Blaize, smirking.

Draco scowled. "Well you try waiting for someone you love to come back then if it's so easy for you".

"You're on edge".

"You would be too if you'd stayed up all night worrying yourself sick".

"Probably" his companion agreed, shrugging. "But I don't really _have _anyone to love, so therefor I don't have anything to lose, either. Things are simpler that way, really. Plus I'm another black sheep, like you. Only I haven't exactly had the opportunity to prove myself yet, and Granger didn't fall in love with me".

"You'd think that us Slytherins being here would be enough proof for these people" Draco muttered bitterly. "But I guess not. I'll never understand the logic of Gryffindors".

"They've never really _had _logic, now have they? Potter's impulsive decisions voice that fairly well, in all honesty".

"But then again there's Granger".

"The Sorting Hat considered putting her in Ravenclaw" supplied Blaize.

Draco arched an eyebrow. "And how do you know this, Blaize?"

"It was a conversation we all had before you even joined the camp. We were talking about what the Sorting Hat's second choice for us was if we had one. Besides, you don't really have to be told to know. It's one of those things that's easy enough to know without hearing it" Blaize paused, "I was almost a Ravenclaw too, actually".

"A dimwit like you?" he laughed at the scowl that spread across his friend's face.

"Very funny, mate. Dying of laughter over here" drawled Blaize, still scowling as Draco continued to chuckle. "Did the Sorting Hat consider anything else for you but Slytherin?"

"Me? Draco Malfoy? No. I'm a Malfoy, I think that automatically means that I'm a Slytherin".

"Fair enough. But there are exceptions in every family; look at Sirius Black, for example. The whole lot of his family were Slytherins and yet he was sorted into the opposite house".

"I wonder if I would've hated Granger as much if she was a Ravenclaw".

Blaize snorted. "Of course you would've hated her. I mean, without talking to her, she's quite an easy person to hate. She's irritating as hell a lot of the time and she always acts so superior".

"Say one more negative word about her and I'll hex your tongue off" uttered Draco darkly.

"What's the difference between you and I saying it? You say it all the time. I didn't say she didn't have any good qualities. She has plenty. I fancied her when I first came here, actually. I was in full pursuit of her".

"What made you stop pursuing her?" he inquired. "I mean, I wasn't here to get in your way then".

"There came a point when I just had to accept that she wasn't interested... I mean, she isn't really a romantic person, she said so herself over dinner before when you were moping in your room... She doesn't usually fall for anyone".

"Then why me?"

"Don't ask me, I think she's gone mad" said Blaize self-righteously. Draco punched his arm. "Ow, fuck, Draco I'm only joking".

"You deserved it" he shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah, I think I did" Blaize agreed.

Somehow, though they had not been conversing for more than a few days, he felt quite close to his old best friend. And that concerned him.

He already cared about one person too many, and that was Granger.

He wasn't sure how he could manage with having to worry about losing someone else.

::::::::::::::

Draco had been up a little over 48 hours straight waiting for her. He sat in the living room of their living quarters, staring at the entryway. He had large bags under his eye and a light, blonde stubble was growing on his face, but he was on edge and very much awake. He had been living in constant paranoia for her safety... worry, after worry, after worry crossing his mind. Though it was eight o'clock in the morning on the fifth day, she was not home.

So he sat there, vowing not to sleep until she returned.

A quarter to nine, he was just beginning to unwillingly doze off when he turned his head to see her entering through the tent flap. His legs stood him up on their own accord and she bolted over to him and enclosed him in a bone-crushing hug which he returned even tighter. "I" -kiss- "Missed" -kiss- "You" -kiss- "So" -kiss- "Much" - kiss- "Draco".

He buried his face in her hair and rocked them back and forth, still embracing her. Once he pulled back, she furrowed her brow and pursed her lips. He arched an eyebrow, "What?"

"You look like shit".

"Thanks. Means a lot" he mumbled grumpily. "Of course I look like shit, I haven't slept in two days".

Her eyes widened like saucers. "Bloody hell! Why on earth haven't you slept?"

He mumbled something that contained the words 'worried about you' somewhere in it.

She cupped his face in her hands and ran her fingers delicately over his eyelids. She then stood up on her tiptoes and feathered a light kiss on his forehead. "Get some sleep, Draco" she murmured, continuing to run her fingertips over her features soothingly. She covered his mouth with hers for a few tender, blissful seconds, and felt her lips curl upward when she felt his smile against her lips. "I'll still be here when you wake up".

He frowned, not wanting to leave her when he hadn't seen her in days and didn't know how much time he had left with her. Every hour was a waste. But yet, he was too exhausted to resist so he embraced her one last time and falling asleep the moment he hit the hit his mattress. He smiled when he awoke a few hours later, for just a second as she wrapped her arms around him.

It was so easy to forget that there time was coming to a harsh end soon.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

yay I've written a summary of my fic after this one... i have two ideas but i'm not sure which one i'm going to write quite yet. well yay hope you enjoyed c:


	28. Picketfence

**Chapter 28 ~ Picketfence**

_"She can't see the landscape anymore  
It's all painted in her grief, all of her history etched out at her feet  
__Now all of the landscape, it's just an empty place__  
Acres of longing, mountains of tenderness  
__Cause she's just like the weather, can't hold her together__  
Born from dark water, daughter of the rain and snow  
Cause it's burning through the bloodline"  
_~ Landscape by Florence and the Machine

Hermione had made progress in the past few days with her Occlumency, to Draco's pleasure. There was a displeasure as well to it, however; and the displeasure was the fact that he _did _have hope. Hope simply left an empty hole when it was ripped away, in his own opinion. It caused more harm than good. He was unsure of why so many people gave him and Blaize grief for not having it; they failed to see that it was much easier without it.

"You're doing well" he told her after one lesson, grinning despite himself.

"You seem more... hopeful" mused Hermione, the corners of her mouth slightly upturned. "It suits you, I like it. You're smiling more... It's nice to see you smile. You don't smile very often; and that coming from the only person that ever sees you smile that says something".

"I shouldn't be" he muttered, pulling himself up onto the counter to sit despite the Weaslette constantly complaining about it. "After all, there's still another turncoat in our numbers, everyone's dying, the world's crumbly, God's dead and our heartbeats are numbered".

"Well aren't you Little Miss Sunshine" she rolled her eyes.

"Miss?" he arched an eyebrow. "You of all people should know that I'm _definitely _not a woman, Granger. My male ego is slightly wounded".

She snorted before smiling and sitting beside him on the counter.

Draco smirked. "Just yesterday you and Weasley both were screaming at me for sitting up here and now look what you doing. Well aren't you rebellious? How very Gryffindor of you; or perhaps Slytherin, for you're breaking the rules".

"Times change" she shrugged. He found it rather adorable that she was kicking her feet in midair like a silly child, but he refrained from saying anything because he thought it would be a rather odd thing to say.

"You make it sound as if year ago".

She smiled to herself for an unknown reason before turning and placing a gentle hand on his cheek. "I adore you, you know".

"I know" he murmured, pressing his lips to hers delicately.

::::::::::::::

They were arguing again. They had a tendency to engage in shouting matches during their Occlumency lessons, particularly days where Hermione was too tired to focus. This particular day was one of them.

"If you would just _pay attention _you might actually learn something -

"You have no damn right to tell me I'm not paying attention -

"Well if you were paying attention you'd be able to fucking block me out by now! You're being lazy and-

"Don't say I'm being lazy when you're the one who mopes about in their room all day majority of the time and -

"For God's sake, Granger, we're in war and half the people on this camp do it I'm not the only one! At least I can block someone out of my head, it's fairly easy you're just too fucking stubborn to admit you're doing it wrong and -

"_Shut up_!" she shrieked. He followed her demand, not daring to shout back with the rage seeping into her shout. "You are so fucking stupid! I'm so _sick _of you using these lessons as an excuse to dumb me down!"

"I'm not trying to dumb you down, I'm trying to save your life-

"_I don't care what you're trying to do! _You're a vile human being and I can't stand you" she yelled over him. "Fuck this, I'm taking a shower. I can't deal with you anymore, or see your fucking arrogant face anymore".

Then, she stormed off in complete disarray. He felt a strong urge to follow her, but did not want to risk getting hexed into pieces. Draco averted his eyes from the hallway which was currently tempting him to see Blaize Zabini eating a bagel casually at their table, smirking.

"What the bloody hell are you doing in here?" Draco snapped. The anger from his argument with Granger had not quite left his voice yet.

"I've been in here for about ten minutes now, but you failed to notice me. I'm simply here to say training is at ten o'clock tonight instead of nine. I almost left because I thought you two were going to end up shagging, but I didn't because she left before I could get to my feet. You two really are as dysfunctional as everyone says".

"All couples fight" said Draco casually.

Blaize raised his eyebrows. "Yeah but most couples don't call each other 'vile human beings' when they're arguing".

"Fair enough" Draco's eyes flickered towards the hallway again when the sound of running water crept into his ears.

Blaize smirked knowingly. "I'm not even sure that I _want _to picture the images flashing through your head right now, mate. Just go join her if you'd like, I can survive by myself for a while".

"I think she'd _Sectumsempra _my balls off if I went in there right now. I think the whole point of her taking a shower was to not see my 'fucking arrogant face' anymore after all, Blaize".

"Well technically it would be her fault" reasoned Blaize. "I mean, you'd think she would have more common sense than telling a _man _that she was showering and expecting them not to join her".

"That wouldn't fix the fault that I would leave the bathroom without my balls".

"I don't really need that mental image, thanks. I think I'm going to need therapy for that".

Draco grinned. "We'll probably all need therapy anyways, really".

"Probably" he agreed.

Draco licked his lip, deep in thought for a few moments. "I think I'm going to join Granger in the shower".

"I'm going to leave to spare myself the emotional trauma of hearing you two fuck. Not that I haven't before, I think everyone has".

"You have fun with that".

"I could say the same to you", said Blaize. He left their tent with a very Slytherin smirk on his face.

::::::::::::::

Hermione screamed when she heard someone get in the shower with her and soon felt a hand she recognized as Draco's over her mouth. She turned around and stepped away from him, crossing her arms. She wanted to remain cross with him, and she knew it would be difficult with him naked in front of her in an entirely new scenario that sounded both sweet and sinful.

She narrowed her eyes defiantly. "What are you doing in here?"

"I'm filthy, and I need a shower" he said smugly, running his hand through his hair and smirking. She tried to tell herself it was too fucking arrogant to be attractive, but oh she was wrong.

"You don't seem very dirty".

He licked his teeth, causing very inappropriate thoughts to run through her mind. He must have noticed that her eyes lingered many moments too long on his lips, because his smirk grew even wider. "Have I got something in my teeth , Granger?" he chuckled mischievously under is breath. "And you wouldn't be able to _see _this dirt. It's more of these certain _ideas _I was having. I was having very naughty thoughts".

The word naughty coming from his mouth while he was naked in her shower made a bubble of anticipation form in her navel, and she was far too aroused by just his words and the look of him. He was not even touching her, for God's sake!

"Cat got your tongue?"

"I - I am still _very _angry with you".

His eyes became more evil and he licked his teeth again. "Then I can let you punish me".

Her eyes widened when she felt his lips cover hers and she was slammed against the tile wall of their shower. He was more rough then he normally was, and it didn't take her long to feel his erection prodding at her stomach. He was biting viciously at her neck and she was quite certain that he would leave marks, but she didn't care at all and chose not to acknowledge that then. She was still half wanting to show that she was strong enough to resist him when she was angry, but when he ran his thumb over her most sensitive area she felt that all leave her along with her moan.

"Still angry with me?" he smirked against her collarbone, which his teeth were currently attending too. She could feel his breath when he left and it drove her mad. She wanted to think of a clever quip to throw back at him, but she was speechless again when his teeth drifted downward towards her breast.

He brought his mouth up to hers again, and in an attempt to gain some control she began pumping his arousal in a well-practice speed that would leave him equally as speechless as he had left her.

"Fuck" he hissed, bucking his hips into her fist. She felt his breath quiver as he sucked at her earlobe.

Their ministrations were by no means gentle once he entered her. It was rough, frenzied and feral. She was beginning to think that she should shout at him more often, just for the results of doing so. She briefly wondered what she would've thought if she had someone tell her this was going to happen when he first arrived and thought her past self may have vomited, but in the moment it still would've produced _nothing _like nausea.

Draco was trailing hot and open-mouthed kisses over every part of her he could possibly reach. Her neck, her breasts, her throat, her cheeks, her lips, her collarbones, her shoulders, her earlobes. He had every inch of her memorized. Her body was beginning to quiver, and she could hear her own whimpers growing much higher pitched. She felt his smirk against her throat, which he was currently sucking on. She turned her head slightly to see clear, bright, primrose-colored bite marks scattered various places on her body.

She would get revenge for that.

So punish him she did.

She sucked as hard as her petite mouth could muster at the center of his throat, causing his hips to spasm and a groan to escape his lips. She had never seen him so aroused. His breathing was shallow and fast-paced, his heartbeat was erratic against her lips, his head was thrown back, his eyes closed and his face more colored and flushed than she had ever seen it. Thrilled with the effect she was having on him, she moved her lips to his earlobe, nibbling and sucking lightly. His hips once again shook uncontrollably, but they did not cease and she knew he was _close. __  
_

"Shit, Granger" he hissed, opening his eyes and sitting down, taking her down with him into a new position that he knew would quickly bring her as close as he was. His length rubbed against her most receptive point in this way, and she eagerly wrapped her legs around his waist as he began to thrust more rough than ever before he groaned loudly and she felt him unravel within her. She felt herself climax not even more than ten seconds after him. _  
_

They lay entangled awkwardly at the floor of the shower for sometime, catching their breath before he let out a single bark of laughter.

She arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"You never fail to astound me. I might just have to work you up more often. You're much more impulsive when you're angry, you know. I like that". _  
_

She pursed her lips and blushed.

"You do that a lot," he observed.

"Do what?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

"Blush. I'm starting to wonder if you should go to St. Mungo's and get checked out for that. It might be some strange disorder that flares up when you're around extremely attractive blondes".

"Shut up, you arrogant pig" she said, laughing despite herself.

"I don't think I resemble a pig. You could try the Fat Friar for that, though, and the majority of Hufflepuff house".

She grinned at him affectionately, and he returned the smile someone smugly. "I love you".

"I thought I was an 'arrogant pig?'"

"You are. I don't like you".

"But you love me?"

"But I do. And you know, Draco, there's no one here to hear you say it back. Your precious ego won't be wounded".

He snorted. 'You have _no _idea. Love's overused, anyways. How I feel for you is" he paused to meet her eyes meaningfully. "Much more indescribable than that. I feel more... alive. I feel like our time is infinite".

"Aw, how sweet, Draco Malfoy is a closet romantic".

"Never use my name, romantic and sweet all in the same sentence ever again or there will be consequences".

She smirked. "I might let you punish me".

"I like the way you think, Granger" he drawled, raising his eyebrows.

::::::::::::::

She came undone gracelessly the night after their encounter in the shower, and she came undone right in front of him. It was her worst. He held her tightly, wrapped a blanket around them and let her cry into his shirt, despite the fact she would stain it. He wasn't sure if he would remove the stains with magic at all; it was like a piece of her to keep.

Hermione herself wasn't even sure why she had started crying in the first place. She had dropped her quill as she was writing at the coffee table and it just sort of poured out of her. He had carried her into the bedroom they shared and pulled her into the place she was currently wrapped. She was somewhat at peace like this, the combination of his intoxicating scent and his comforting warmth made her feel much more serene than she had before.

She found herself sobbing out heedless words occasionally. Things like 'I just can't do it anymore' or 'I'm just tired of living, Draco' were verbalized without her even thinking them. Whenever they escaped her, he pressed a finger to her lips and whispered 'shh', which was so thoughtful it made her cry harder.

She would apologize repeatedly through her sobs, but he didn't respond. He thought to himself that it was almost a gift to be with her like this; the opportunity to repay her for the night when he had been so broken.

Granger was living proof to him that war could break even the strongest of spirits.

"It'll be okay, Hermione" he murmured, kissing her forehead and running his hand up and down her back soothingly.

"It's j-just n-not _f-fair_! I f-fall in l-love with y-you and we d-don't even g-get to h-have a h-house with a p-picket fence or a f-family or w-wedding or anything. It's n-not fucking f-fair! And L-Luna and N-Neville... G-god she loved him for m-months more than they even g-got! Her and N-Neville deserve happiness more than anyone I kn-know".

He cringed internally at the mention of Longbottom, whom had been one of his closest friends during his time at the Order. The part however that hit him the hardest was her piece about their future; the future they would most likely be robbed of. He felt a few warm tears trickle down his own cheeks, despite him doing everything in his power to keep them from leaving him.

"If you had any idea how much I care about you, Granger" he said quietly. "I don't think you have the slightest clue".

"I c-care about you t-too, Draco" she whispered back. He could tell by the change in her voice that she was smiling through her tears. "Y-you always know how t-to make me make me feel b-better".

They then drifted off into a land of dreams in which they could have their house, and family, and picket fence.

::::::::::::::

Ginny left their campsite on a stormy day in mid April, shouting profanities behind her. Hermione spent the day comforting a very depressed and sobbing Harry as Draco sat in the corner of the room, watching and often making a clicking sound on the roof of his mouth; she knew he did this when he was uncomfortable or unsure of what to say.

Eventually, he told them both to come outside for a moment. He grabbed a stone near the shore of the lake and engraved upon it:

_RIP to the house, family, wedding and picket fence of Ginny Weasley & Harry Potter  
One of many things to be destroyed by war _

They stood there gazing at it for a while, and Hermione gave Draco a meaningful look as she wrapped her arm around her best friend, whom had become a brother to her. She knew as well as Draco all did that Ginny Weasley did not hate the Order members as she had said in her dramatic exit, that she did not hate Harry; she hated the war.

Draco broke the silence eventually by clearing his throat eventually and patting his friend on the back. "Erh - Harry" Draco began awkwardly. It felt unnatural to say his first name, but he thought it wouldn't be fitting to say his last name in a bonding situation like this. "I'm going to kill every last one of those Death Eaters, you mark my words, I will. I won't stop until the last one of them is dead and gone. They can't keep destroying lives".

Hermione impulsively lunged at a quite surprised Draco and kissed him with much fervor, before pulling away once noticing how selfish it was to do so in front of her friend whom had just lost his girlfriend of five years. She awkwardly hugged Draco instead and directed a soft and affectionate gaze at him that matched the affection that had built up in her over the past few months. "That was really thoughtful of you to do, and to say, Draco".

He shrugged, feeling slightly embarrassed. "It wasn't any trouble, really, I guess".

None of them noticed Luna Lovegood until Draco turned his head to see her when he heard her humming.

"This stone isn't very fitting" she said in her usual singsong voice. "They'll have families, they just weren't meant to be in the same one".

Hermione and Draco left Harry and Luna alone then, and when Hermione looked out the kitchen window a few hours later, she saw that they were holding hands. She couldn't help but smile to herself.

"They're holding hands, Draco".

Draco snickered.

"What?" she said, frowning.

"Can you imagine how dreadful Lovegood would be in bed? She can barely remember where she is half the time. She'd probably tell you she couldn't do certain things because the Crumple Horned Snorkack or something odd like that".

Hermione's laughter echoed through the room then, and Draco chuckled too. She flopped onto the couch beside him and rested her head on his chest. "I shouldn't have laughed at that, but it was funny".

"Of course it was. I'm a funny person. I'm also genius, attractive -

"And humble of course" Hermione mumbled.

He stared at her then, an undefinable yet quite fond gaze fixed on her features. He was smitten by her; captivated, rendered breathless, whatever else one might call it. It was times like that when he knew how much he really did love her.

He only hoped he wouldn't be engraving a stone for them.

::::::::::::::

Draco dropped a plate on the ground at their nightly meeting that night as he dozed off. After all, it was midnight. That didn't stop the other Order members, particularly George, from poking fun at him.

"Smooth, Draco" said Hermione, grinning. "You might want to add 'completely unaware that I have hands' to that list of traits".

"Oh come on, Granger" he smirked as all eyes fell to him, anxious to hear what he had to say. "You of all people should know that I'm good with my hands".

Hermione choked on her lemonade and had to cough for a long time, the sounds of her coughs and roaring laughter coming from everyone in the room.

"And I told you I was funny" he murmured.

* * *

**Author's Note**

It pained me writing the scene where Hermione was crying :c sad, sad, sad. Sorry if your feels are effected. I hope the banter made up for the sad stuff. I'm fairly proud of this chapter.


	29. Time & Its Betrayal

**Chapter 29 ~ Time & Its Betrayal**

_"He has given himself over, refusing what he knows to be real  
He turns away from every meal, starving himself of goodness  
He doesn't think he can heal, b__ut you and I now__  
We can be alright, just hold on to what we know is true  
You and I now, though it's cold inside  
Feel the tide turning" _  
~ Feel the Tide (Turning) by Mumford & Sons

Neither Draco nor Hermione were expecting a drenched, teary-eyed Pansy Parkinson to show up at their camp, but life had a way with proving them wrong recently. The normally held together blonde was a mess; her makeup smeared all across her face, her long, platinum hair in a tangled, wet, matted state. She threw her wet arms around to Hermione, and began to sob the moment she pulled away. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come I just had to tell you" Pansy sniffled. "I just had to".

Draco snorted. "Tell us what, that you're crying? That your little Death Eater pals are out to steal our souls and -

"Draco" Hermione said in a soft but firm tone. "Pansy, what did you need to tell us before Draco so _rudely _interrupted".

"It's G-Ginny" sobbed Pansy. "It's been her for m-months, even before D-Draco came. She tampered with Ch-Cho's memory so she thought that she did it but she d-didn't. I've only known for a few w-weeks or I would've told you -

"Parkinson you've known for _weeks _and you've chosen to tell us now?" snapped Draco. "So the Death Eaters could come tomorrow, or in a few minutes, or whenever the hell they want and you decided it would be a good idea to let us know _now_?"

"She was _scared_!" defended Hermione.

"Oh how great for her! Now all our fucking lives are on the line because she wouldn't talk".

"I'll fight for you" mumbled Pansy.

Both sets of eyes trailed to her, questioning. It had been odd enough that Pansy Parkinson, a Death Eater and a Slytherin was in the Order camp and hadn't intended harm, but now she wanted to fight for them. Draco was licking his teeth uncomfortably and Hermione was chewing on her lip unsure of what to say, if there _was _anything to say in the first place. What was there to say in such a startling, and yet so awkward, situation?

Hermione was the first to break the silence. "That's - that's wonderful, Pansy. Thank you so much for fighting for us and... for telling us. It must have taken a lot of bravery to do so".

The still-sobbing blonde ran at Hermione then, latching onto her and crying into her shoulder. Draco became even more uncomfortable and began kicking at the gravel beneath their feet. Once she had composed herself enough, she held her arm out to shake her ex-lover's hand. He stared at it, not taking it, but instead gave a curt nod of acceptance.

"How much time do we have left?" he asked quietly, meeting Hermione's eyes meaningfully.

"Not long" whimpered Pansy. "Not long at all".

"As in?"

"Days at the most. They - they were planning it, but they kicked me out. They didn't trust me enough to tell me; suspected I had gotten too friendly with Hermione. They were right, after all. Well, at least that's a first".

Draco tensed, his lips parting hesitantly. He made a clicking noise with his tongue on the roof of his mouth before speaking. "Get some rest, Parkinson. I expect you're going to need it, after all".

She nodded. "Yeah, I probably will. Well, I don't want to get in the way of you two spending what might be your last moments together".

Hermione winced.

"Don't fucking say that, Parkinson" he snarled. "Don't you dare fucking say it".

"Draco, she has a point" murmured Hermione, gently massaging his tensed muscles soothingly. Once Draco was somewhat relaxed she looked to Pansy. "You'll be in the tent furthest to the right. I need to stay out for a while and talk to Draco, alright?"

Pansy sighed, turning to walk up to her tent. "I hope everything works out for you two, Hermione. I really do" she said as she walked up out of their sight.

::::::::::::::

There had been no sleep that night thus far. Pansy's unsettling words of their last moments together had made something stir within Draco, and he was agitated and quite too worried to fall asleep. He heard Granger tossing and turning, too. She had yet to close her eyes and escape the torment of her own thoughts as well. His efforts of feigning slumber were becoming tiring, and he was starting to think they were unnecessary, since Granger most likely already knew he was awake. Taking note of that, and the fact that he wanted time with Granger, his eyes fluttered open.

She had been staring at him. Her honey eyes met his grey ones instantaneously and she reached out a dainty hand to stroke his cheek. "It won't be our last, Draco. No matter what happens it won't; I won't let it be".

Draco simply studied her for a moment. "How is Harry going to react when he finds out about Weasley? How is her brother going to react?"

"They won't react, Draco" sighed Hermione, pressing her lips to his for a brief, blissful moment. "They know we simply haven't the time for that".

"'Suppose we can't all wallow in self pity. I mean, there is only one me, after all" he pursed his lips slightly, as if contemplating whether or not to do something. He reached his decision eventually and his arms were around her waist. She rested her head in his chest and hummed. "They should have time though. We all should have time. Time's on their side, it seems, rather than ours".

"That could change -

"Things don't change, Granger" he interjected. "We're laying here coddling each other like some married couple when we know that we're just going to end up broken up like everyone else. Nothing can change anything".

She frowned. "You changed".

"I changed" he agreed. "But that doesn't mean the circumstances did".

"You really don't get it, do you?" she chewed at her lip for a few seconds and pulling out of his arms in frustration. "I love you. I love you and I don't want this to be over -

"And neither do I, Granger, but there's no point in lying to ourselves".

"But it will - it will make things easier. I just need to have at least something to be hopeful about. I need to know something will be left after this even if there isn't going to be anything left".

She felt her heart skip a beat when his storm colored eyes met her own again, and repeated doing so when he smiled at her and gestured or her to scoot closer to him. "Come here, Hermione" he murmured, covering her mouth with the warmth of his own. "Come here".

And she did. She wrapped her arms around his neck and positioned her body over him so she was straddling him, allowing herself to be as close to him as she possibly could. She was attacking his mouth then, and though her nips at his bottom lip were soft and gentle, his lips quickly began to tingle and swell. He was moving quicker than he ever had, quickly removing her white tank top and thanking a non-existent deity when he found that she had failed to wear a bra to sleep in that day. His left hand, that was originally resting in her mid-back, was quickly massaging her behind, and his right hand was stroking her with barely there touches everywhere he could reach.

She moaned when he bit at a spot she knew that he knew his lips could get a reaction from, and thought that she indeed would have revenge on him this time. Some sort of excitement came over her when she began trailing her lips and teeth down his torso, feeling his muscles flex as she hit certain areas, but once her lips reached the hemline of his sweatpants, she was unsure of what to do at all and some sort of nerves flooded over her when she knew that he was indeed staring at her. His lips were parted, his eyes dilated, his hair tousled an his lips swollen and bruised, he did indeed have the look of a man that had been kissed thoroughly.

Hermione was apprehensive when she removed his trousers, and even more so when she was aware of what she was about to do. He was _hard, _and she could tell that this was not helping with his level of arousal. He gave her some sort of reassuring smile, which she would have considered romantic in any other situation, but this was definitely not a situation that one would consider to be romantic.

Draco felt himself grow more and more wanting the longer she simply looked at the length of him, eyeing it as if she were about to devour him, which he reminded himself, she was. He felt her fingers wrap around the base of him then, and he let out a raspy breath at that. He closed his eyes, thinking she would rather it if he didn't watch her. He was right, because the next thing he felt was a wet, humid, blissful heaven engulfing him. The long, low groan that he heard could have easily been someone else's for all he knew, he was far too aroused and anticipating to notice anything than the warmth shooting through his veins.

If it were anyone else, he would have argued that the woman latched onto him had plenty of experience in this area of expertise, but since it was Granger he thought different. He found Granger to be quite a quick learner. He shuddered when she ran her tongue up tantalizingly, her breath teasing him. She had been unaware of how very arousing doing this to him would be. She took him all in her mouth again, and he released a loud groan. He was trying not to give in to the instinctive jerks of his hips, but he was fighting a losing battle. She would gag every now and then when this happened, but continue right from where she left off.

When her lips were at his tip, he whimpered. "Granger, I'm - I'm f-fuck. I'm_ not_ d-done with you y-yet I can't f-finish... oh fucking _shit_".

He was close. It was easy to tell, for with each movement of her mouth, each movement of her tongue, each breath that hit his skin, he became harder, and his breaths more shallow and labored. His face was more flushed than she had ever seen it and the sweat above his brow was reflecting the dim moonlight coming in from outside. She wanted to kiss him then, so she did, removing her mouth from his erection and leaving her hands behind to finish the job she was now so committed too. Eventually, he was too close to his own climax to return any of her kisses, and she found her own breathing shallow and felt her knickers were uncomfortably damp.

With a few more steady tugs with her hands, he let out a final groan, his limbs shaking uncontrollably and his head buried in her bare shoulder. Her hands were sticky then, and she would have gotten her wand to wash them if it wasn't for the words he had said earlier... 'I'm not done with you yet'.

Once his breathing had gotten under control again, he spoke. "What do you want to do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Play cards and be just friends for the night" he drawled sarcastically, letting out a single laugh. "I mean what do you want me to do to you, Granger? I'm going to make you say it, you know. This time I'm making you say it".

"T-touch me" she whispered, resting her forehead on his and rolling over so he was atop her now, hoping he would get the message. "S-soft".

And he listened. He entered her gently, his thrusts were slow and gentle, awaking something inside her that she hadn't known was there at all. _God _she loved him. She was returning his motions by moving her own hips in the tantalizing pace that he had set, and she was kissing every inch of him that crossed the path of her mouth in the midst of their ministrations. It only took her minutes to climax, and he followed shortly, within a thrust of her. She released a few melodious whimpers, and it felt as though she was floating off somewhere with him. Reality seemed to sink in the moment after their lovemaking had stopped.

An odd wave of a bittersweet sadness washed over her as she lay in his arms with her forehead kissing his, and she began to cry; the kind of crying where only a few tears fall, and you are not sobbing, but still you are somehow broken. She couldn't remember why she was broken in such a beautiful scene, but then she reminded herself that the fact it was beautiful was the predicament.

"What's wrong, Granger?" he kissed her, and he found that he could taste her tears.

"I want to have a son, or a daughter, or a family. I want to marry you and grow old with you and see your damned arrogant smirks every day, infinitely, no matter what. I want to travel the world with you, and I want to celebrate everything that happens with you. I want to argue with you and have screaming matches with you and learn more of your little quirks like the fact that you'll only eat cereal dry, and that you like all types of jam except for blackberry. I want to have a life with you and have us be as normal as we can and fall more and more in love with you but I can't because this damn war is probably going to end up tearing us apart".

His lips parted for a moment before he closed his mouth once more and he released a shaky breath. "I want all that too, Granger".

"If it gets too bad, we'll run away... run off to Italy, have a kid or two".

"Hopefully our children inherit my hair rather than that owl's nest of yours" he teased, wiping away her tears without thought and grinning at her when she smiled at him. "We're both incredibly good looking though, so I think that will be fine".

She chuckled. "And hopefully they inherit my modesty".

"Nah, that won't happen. If you're related to a Malfoy, you'll be anything but modest".

"I love you, you know" she sighed as he kissed the tip of her nose. "I love you".

"I love you too, Granger" he said thoughtlessly as he fell into a deep and peaceful slumber.

::::::::::::::

The meeting was much less angry, but much more somber than Hermione had expected. This was partially good, because shouting would get them no where at all and put an obstacle in front of preparing themselves, but at the same time it made it all so much real. She almost wished someone would scream, or shout, or punch something the way that she wanted to because the unvoiced emotions were worse. They all sat in silence for ten minutes at the beginning of the meeting before anyone spoke at all.

"Ginny Weasley was our turncoat, not Cho. Cho never did anything wrong" said Draco. "She's the spy".

"My sister" spat George grudgingly. "My own sister fucking tried to kill us all. How long?"

"She was with us a month after the death of her mother" replied Pansy. "She said that she wanted to save herself, and that she wanted all her family eliminated so she didn't have to worry about losing them or feel guilty about what she was doing. She wanted to fight for the winning side, I guess".

"I was with her" mumbled Harry, pain visible on his features. "I cared for her, and I loved her, and the whole time she was betraying all of us".

"I know" Hermione murmured, smiling when she noticed Harry and Luna holding hands under the table the way her and Draco did all the time, and were currently doing. "But there are people that love you that would never do that".

"I feel like it was write under my nose and I could have stopped it so easily if I had just -

"There's nothing you can do" Draco objected, his voice very quiet. "Once a person goes bad, you can't help them. They're lost completely. They lose their soul. It's like a Dementor's Kiss, it's irreversible once you're loyal to them".

"Draco and I are special cases" Blaise agreed. "We weren't loyal to them, and we didn't enter their service with open arms. That's the only reason we could manage to redeem ourselves".

Pansy cleared her throat meaningfully, glaring at Blaise.

"You can't expect to do one good thing and be given the grace of redemption after all the evil shit you've done" snapped Draco. "It doesn't work that way. You have to fight for it, you have to want it... to yearn for it. You can't just walk into the Order and expect to be a good person after that".

"So you're implying that I'm a bad person?"

"Pretty much, yeah" answered Draco in a bored tone.

"No, you're right. The only reason you got it that easily was because Hermione opened her legs" said Pansy in a sweet tone.

Draco's jaw tensed and he gritted his teeth. "One more fucking word, Parkinson and I might just spoil my redemption -

"Well it's true! No one here would respect you if you two weren't fucking! Hell, it's not like you two are even going to last past this war! You're so naive for thinking differently. It's just burnt off steam! It's nothing more than that you are just using sex as an escape -

"Don't act like you know us at all" he uttered.

"You two think you're in love but really you're just in love with the other's bodily parts that can be of use to each other in bed and -

Draco glared at her more coldly than Hermione had ever seen him glare at anyone. She squeezed his hand in an attempt to remind him to stay calm. "And I don't think that anyone even loves your bodily parts, even. There is nothing to love. It must be horrible being so mediocre; another blonde slag. Typical. I intend to marry Granger if we get out of this war alive, and I'm going to leave now so I don't take my anger out on any of you".

So he did leave, and Hermione missed the warmth of his large, firm hand around her small and fragile one. She wanted it; maybe she could even go as far as saying she needed it in that moment.

"We'll start training for war tonight. We'll fight against each other in teams to practice. Meet in the clearing at eight o'clock, alright?" Harry declared.

They all nodded, and Hermione was out the door quicker than she ever had been, and she rushed as fast as she could down to see Draco.

She walked up beside him as he smoked, smiling. "It doesn't matter, you know... what she said. I didn't let it bother me. I wouldn't let yourself get tense over something that stupid, either".

His lips twisted upward at the corners, and he met her gaze, his grey eyes reflecting sunlight in a way that made them almost resemble gems. "You say that as if it's easy, Granger" he murmured.

He kissed her then, smiling against her mouth and ignoring the fact that it could all change very soon.

Time had picked the wrong side.

* * *

**Author's Note**

Happy (almost) St. Patrick's Day! I'm Irish, maybe I'll get some kisses. Lol just kidding I'm forever alone. But yeah I'd give it about 5 more chapters on this? :) and then I'll be starting my next fanfiction (another Dramione, of course) which is going to be called 'The Hardest of Hearts', after the Florence and the Machine song c: well xoxo! hope you all have a lovely week c:


	30. The Beginning

**Chapter 30 ~ The Beginning**

"_And when you go through the valley_  
_And the shadow comes down from the hill_  
_If morning never comes to be; b__e still, be still, be still_  
_If you forget the way to go, And lose where you came from_  
_If no one is standing beside you_,_ be still and know I am_  
_Be still and know that I'm with you_, _b__e still and know I am" _  
~ Be Still by The Fray

Everyone went into training somber and mourning. There was nothing new to mourn for, and yet it seemed that there was everything to mourn for. No one spoke as Hermione assigned the teams of their practice battle, and as she began to assign the rules, the lack of motivation was very clear. She got no more reply than a grunt of acknowledgement from all of them... but George was the first to speak the words that everyone else was thinking.

"What's the point of this?" asked George, whose normal liveliness seemed absent. "I mean, we're all going to die anyways regardless".

A few of them nodded, and Hermione's lips parted, but she couldn't seem to find the words to reply. Instead, Harry spoke. "Everyone needs to listen to this, alright? Did any of you think that I would beat Voldemort? There are a lot of things that have happened that are unexpected. We're all wizards for God's sake! We can fight in this".

"No" Blaise laughed coldly. "We're all dying, Potter. All of us are. We're waiting for the end and hoping it will be soon enough to get us out. Any rational person would run from this so they didn't have to fight".

"So why are you here?" asked Hermione curiously, raising an eyebrow.

"Well I'm obviously not a rational person if I'm here with all you optimistic twats" said Blaise, smirking. "Besides, rational isn't always the right thing to do".

"No" she agreed. "It's not".

"Cheer up, George" remarked Luna in her normal singsong voice, directing a supportive smile at him. "We're not dead yet, after all. Fate might do us some more justice, if we're lucky".

No one said anything for quite a few moments, simply staring at one another.

"Well let's get practicing then" said Hermione. She went off with her own team then, going to the bottom of the hill and her eyes then lingered on Draco, whom was also on her team.

He was tense; perhaps more tense than he even was the majority of the time. She walked over to him and slipped her arms around his neck from behind, pressing a light kiss on his cheek. "I love you, Draco".

He felt the corners of his lips twitch upward into an unwilling trace of a smile. "It's hard not to love me" he replied, smirking at her scowl. "I'm only kidding, you're as tense as the rest of them. I love you too".

She moved to his side then and intertwined their fingers. "It'll all be okay".

He sighed. "If only it were that easy, Granger".

::::::::::::::

Pansy was gone for a few days to spy on the Death Eaters, and while her absence was missed, the news she brought back was not happy in the slightest. They were indeed coming soon, on the exact day Pansy had said.

Four days time.

"Is Ginny coming?" said Harry tonelessly, but Hermione knew him well enough to know the lack of emotion in his voice was an act to hide the pain he was feeling. "To attack us, I mean?"

Pansy bit her lip and nodded, placing an apologetic hand on Harry's. "I'm sorry".

"Don't pull a Parkinson and fall for a Gryffindor, Pansy" George remarked, smirking.

"Yeah, that was hard enough to accept" Dean Thomas agreed fervently. "I mean, Hermione and Malfoy? And it doesn't help that I can hear them shagging half the time! I mean it's bad enough to _know_".

"Alright, we can stop talking about my sex life now" mumbled Hermione, a faint blush staining her cheeks.

Pansy had removed her hand from Harry's and looked out the window, unable to hide her obvious embarrassment at George's comment. Hermione wondered if it was true. After all, they did sleep in the same tent.

"Well if you idiots are done talking about your love lives, and mine, then we can talk about the battle we should be preparing for instead of gossiping" drawled Draco rolling his eyes in exasperation. Everyone was silent at once, as they all, whether they admitted it or not, had a certain respect for Draco Malfoy. "I've been thinking on the matter, and I'm beginning to wonder if we should regroup at a different camp".

"They'll always find us, Draco" sighed Pansy. "They always will. I feel like this battle will be it".

"They've found us every time" George agreed, nodding curtly.

Draco nodded and mumbled something that sounded like, "I just don't want to lose her".

"You won't".

"Right, so we should run through all our spells in the next few days" Hermione cleared her throat. "And we should... You know, say our goodbyes in case some of us - some of us don't make it out of this. Hopefully at least some of us will".

Draco met her eyes with an unreadable and sad look in his eyes like he had already lost her, and she had already lost him. "There is no hope to be found anywhere anymore. There isn't".

Hermione placed a reassuring hand on his knee under the table. "Look hard enough and you will find some" she said in a voice quiet enough so only he could hear her.

::::::::::::::

"Do you think we'll live?" Draco asked bluntly as he scooted across the bed so he was closer to her and pulled her into his arms. "If we don't get killed, will we even make it out alive?"

She knew what he meant, as it was not hard for her to understand. She had been thinking something along the same lines as soon as she had found out there was going to be a battle. She sometimes wondered if it was better to die in the war rather than live with the scars of the battles. "I don't know" she replied honestly.

"I don't give a shit if they all die as long as you live, Granger" he murmured. "I don't care if they all live if you die. I have become far too... attached to you. I'll take a Killing Curse for you, you know, if I have to".

Hermione grimaced at the thought of Draco dying for _her, _and living with the guilt of _knowing _that it was all for her. "Don't" she whispered. "Please don't. I don't think I could live with it".

"I don't think I could live knowing that you were dead".

"I don't think either of us could. I guess if one dies, the other one does, as melodramatic as that sounds".

Draco shrugged and the corners of his lips turned upwards slightly. "It's only true, Granger. I always knew this wasn't healthy, and I always knew that I shouldn't have kissed you, but I did anyways. Words can't describe how guilty I am -

"Do you regret it?" she blurted out.

He paused to think before shaking his head. "No. I don't think I regret it at all. But I am guilty, because this will hurt us both. I am guilty because I will never be able to forgive myself for starting this, for making us hurt. I kissed you when I knew I had feelings for you rather than letting them fade. I took your virginity, and then your innocence. I then continued having sex with you even though I knew that it was a bad idea, simply because I was addicted to you. And then, as karma for my own follies, I fell in love with you, and I loved you more than I ever loved anyone, even my mother... in a different way, of course".

Hermione smiled a sad smile and pressed her lips lightly to the corner of his mouth before resting her forehead upon his. "It's not your fault. I did it too, Draco. I let you kiss me. I told you to take my virginity. I asked you to take away my innocence. I pursued having sex with you multiple times when I was already in love with you".

"When did it happen?" he murmured.

"I don't know... I think I first realized it after the swim we had in the rain, but I tried to block it out. I didn't know if you felt the same".

"I'd be daft not to" he grinned. "I fell in love with you before we even kissed, I think. Or some kind of love, anyways. It was when you came to me and told me you trusted me".

"It's funny how little events can have so big of an impact".

He hummed. "Yeah, it is".

"Kiss me" she demanded quietly but firmly. She sounded as though she need it. "Please".

Draco smirked. "If you insist".

And then he did. He kissed her softly, more softly than he had in a long time. He nipped at her lips and trailed his hands up her shirt with barely there touches that she loved. He sucked at her breasts and followed by trailing his tongue back up her neck, chuckling into her skin when she whimpered. She removed his trousers then, and his boxers as well.

He thrust into her with an urgency, but his ministrations were tender. She ran her nails up and down his back thoughtlessly and found herself growing closer to climax much quicker than usual. He was close, too. She could tell because he looked unburdened. He always did like this, and perhaps it was why she enjoyed it so much. He was massaging her most tender spot, earning him rather loud cries from her.

"You're going to wake everyone up" he muttered huskily, chuckling. "You're going to prove Dean right".

"I don't care" she whispered back, pressing her mouth to his. Her kiss was sloppy, she was too close to have full control over her mouth. She could barely hold onto her sanity at all, and she found herself murmuring incoherent things into his lips, and she could feel his grin against her own lips.

With a final flick of her sensitive nub, she was done. She moaned a high pitched moan and her whole body quivered. Her contractions around him pushed him over the edge and he groaned, moans filled the spring air and when they had a grip on reality again, he smiled at her affectionately.

"I love you" she whispered, feathering a light kiss on his cheek. "I love you" she repeated, kissing his mouth this time.

"I don't even feel like we don't have to say it" he murmured. "We just know. It's just there, like the world, like the war. We don't have to speak of it to know that it exists constantly".

She smiled. "I still want to".

"I'm going to marry you, Granger" he said bluntly. "I'm going to marry you if we make it out alive".

"How do you know I agree to this?" she questioned, smirking.

"Because you want to. I know you want to".

"I'm keeping my last name, you know. I want a hyphenated last name. Granger-Malfoy" she remarked. "I'm going to keep my last name, for my parents. I'm going to find them and remove the memory charm if I make it out. I'll introduce them to you".

"Didn't you tell them about me when you were in school?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"They'll see you changed" she murmured. "It's not hard to see. You're a good person now, whether you want to believe it or not. I'd prefer if you believed it, though, because you are".

"I'm still an asshole".

Hermione grinned. "Yes, you're still an asshole. But I love you. They'll love you".

"I'd introduce you to my parents, ya know, if they weren't dead and if they weren't normal. I'm sure my mum would've loved you, though. She was never as firm with blood prejudices as my father was".

"I wish I got to meet her".

"And I wish we weren't in this war".

"Let's make a wish, then" she mused. "Any suggestions?"

"I wish that we'll both make it out alive".

She nodded in agreement and snuggled into his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

She listened to his heartbeat then, just so she could remember him like this. Warm, breathing... alive.

::::::::::::::

Four days past far more quickly than they had thought, and on the fourth day, they had all woken up early, just standing solemnly outside and waiting. Most of them looked impassive, and some were crying. Luna was among the crying, and she cried into Harry's shoulder all morning. Pansy sat with George at a picnic table, and they seemed to be engaging in a deep discussion. Hermione had to squeeze Draco's hand tight enough that her nails drew blood from his skin. It was okay, though. It was okay because his did, too.

"A few years ago and you would've flinched at having my blood on your fingers" she mused. She eyed her hand when when she let go of his. His fingernails had left crevices below her knuckles that were still bleeding slightly. She hoped it would scar. She hoped it would stay. She stated the obvious before she could stop herself. "Things have changed".

Draco snorted and grabbed her hand again, leading them into the forest. "Way to state the obvious, Granger. I've shagged someone I would've just called a Mudblood, and I've fallen in love with her as well" he breathed into her ear. He wrapped his arms around her then, pulling her as tight to him as possible in such a tight embrace that she felt somewhat crushed. It was okay, though. She hugged him with the same intensity, the same hold that screamed 'I won't let go'.

"Who might this girl be?" Hermione asked, smirking.

He rested his forehead on hers. "You know her well, and she's very much like you. Smart, witty, beautiful, kind, brave, a perfectionist to the point where it's almost annoying".

She chuckled and he felt her breath against his skin. "You're irritating, Draco. Why did you drag us out here, anyways?"

He kissed a ribbon down her neck before trailing his tongue back up to the hollow of her ear. "Take a guess, Granger".

"We can't shag right now, they need us!"

"I didn't mean shagging" he said smugly, smirking. "I never knew you had such a perverted mind. I obviously meant _privacy"._

She glared at him. "I know that's what you meant, Draco. I'm not daft-

"I'm only messing with you, Granger. You seem tense... perhaps you need to unwind".

She grinned. "And how might I unwind".

"I can think of a few ways" he said, shrugging impassively with a content smile and pressing his lips to hers.

They stayed like that for a while. She was pinned up against a birch tree, and he was teasing her but respecting that she didn't want him to take her _yet. _He focused on making her cave in. Eventually, she did.

Hermione Granger would never have sex in a forest.

Hermione Granger found that Draco changed her on a daily basis.

::::::::::::::::

The wards broke in the evening, just at sunset. They would have time to prepare, as the wards went out about a mile past the radius of camp. It was a large crash, a sound of death. Harry grabbed the rope to toll the bell, just in case George and Pansy (who had somehow ended up shagging in the midst of all the chaos) did not hear it.

Draco approached Hermione, who was standing alone looking out at he water, which seemed so much more beautiful and significant now. She had fallen in love with him in this water. The setting sun glinted off it to create a subtle orange glow. She felt two firm, male arms wrap around her waist, and a light brush of lips on her bare shoulder. "This is it, then" he murmured.

"This is it" she agreed.

She started to cry then. She cried for Harry and Luna. She cried for all of the people she loved. She cried for the things some of them would never get to experience, and this might be her last time feeling the breeze. She cried for her and Draco most of all, though. She tried not to think that they may have their last kiss, and that time had been so cruel to them to only allow them a few beautiful months together.

He kissed her like he needed to, because he did. He tasted her tears, and at some point he tasted his tears in the mixture, too.

"I want more time" she whimpered. "I want more time to just feel the wind, to see Harry and Luna blossom the way him and Ginny never could, I want to feel your skin and marry you and have children and there's only a 50/50 chance, if even that, that I'll make it out of this. I want to know that you'll be okay, Draco. I need you to be okay. I need you so much".

He feathered a light kiss on her forehead. "I need you too, Granger".

Normally, the other Order members would be glaring at them with disapproval, but they did not seem to mind now that they were displaying their affection quite openly. Perhaps they had just needed to see it to accept it. Perhaps they knew that she meant it now when she had said she loved him.

"God I just love you... so much" she whispered, crying more still. "Just - just everything about you. Your eyes, your smile, your laugh, your humor, your presence, your aura... I love the way you light up a room and make me feel okay just by being there. I've even fallen in love with your egoistic comments, your arrogance, your rude comments about my hair. I've fallen in love with _us _too. Our conversations, our debates, our screaming matches, our intimacy, how even when we're fighting I still love you and we still can't keep our eyes off each other when we pretend to ignore each other".

He kissed her to show her how he felt and to seal how very much he agreed with her. "Just say the word in the battle and we'll leave. I can Apparate us somewhere where we can be safe. Okay?"

She nodded. "Okay".

She could faintly make out the shapes of the Death Eaters in the distance, along with the flaming red hair of Ginny Weasley.

"I'm going to fucking kill her in this battle" hissed Draco viciously, loathing thick in his tone. "I'm going to fucking murder her, and I don't give a shit if it's in defense or not. She accused _me _of being the traitor when she knew..."

Hermione intertwined their fingers again, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "It'll be okay, won't it?"

"Wait for me" he murmured. "If you - if you get killed" he choked, having difficult managing to say this. "Wait for me until I come too. Meet me at King's Cross, Potter always talks about that".

She sucked in a sharp back and rubbed her eyes. There was no room for emotion now, but standing here with her lover, she felt far too much grief and vulnerability to just hold back.

Tears were still streaming down her cheeks when the first of the Death Eaters arrived.

"Well, well. Isn't it the star crossed lovers?" Dolohov sneered.

She had to hold back to keep the tears.

"Well this just got interesting" said Draco, raising his wand.

* * *

**Author's Note**

****cliffhanger! but it won't be long before I update because I've got spring break, which is about the only good thing about High School. Yay. well, hope you enjoyed lol. xoxo. also, I wanted to clarify something that a reviewer had said. They are not running because they are tired of the war, and running isn't going to end it. There is only so much weight they can take. Running hasn't worked anyways, as they have already been through so many camps and been found every time, so they have given up on that strategy and decided to just face them.


	31. Essence of Dittany

**Chapter 31 ~ Essence of Dittany**

_"I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map  
And knew that somehow I could find my way back  
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too  
So I stayed in the darkness with you" _  
~ Cosmic Love by Florence and the Machine

Dolohov's lip curled in an unpleasant way and he raised his wand to meet Draco's. "Feeling noble today, Draco?" he sneered. "Feeling _Gryffindor _like your little Mudblood?"

"Quite" Draco replied coolly. "No one seems to care about whether _you _make it out of this war alive, so that's something that we have and you don't. You and your little turncoat Ginny Weasley".

"I've grown rather _fond _of her" Dolohov replied, something evil glinting in his eyes. "One might even say _very _fond. You see, Ginny's been giving me an easy lay whenever I've asked for it for the past few months, along with some of the other Death Eaters. It's been very _helpful _to keep us motivated you see. So in a sense, I already have exactly what you have, only not from a Mudblood".

"Don't play games with me, Dolohov" growled Draco, stepping close so he is in the Death Eater's face. "I'm warning you, you will regret it _dearly _if you decide to play games with me".

"Well let's play a game in the forest" Dolohov leered at him. "Winner makes it out alive, loser dies. But you do know that if you lose, your little Mudblood will be killed too? I'll see to it myself"

Draco turned to Granger, whose hand was clutching his very tightly, like earlier. He kissed her forehead and then her lips. "Go, Granger. Fight the rest of them. I've got this in the bag" Draco demanded.

But Hermione did not leave, she simply stood there.

"Fucking _go_! Do you know how dangerous it is for you to stay here with me?" he yelled. "I'll find you later".

She finally gave in, and planted a light, lingering kiss on his cheek. "I love you" she whispered.

She walked away, forcing herself not to look back. But she cried the whole way. She can not stop the tears this time.

She was forced to face the fact that that might indeed be the last time she saw him. She raised her hand and pressed it on the place he had kissed her forehead, which was still tingling.

"I love you" she whispered again, before running back to the clearing.

::::::::::::::

If anything, Hermione had not been expecting Pansy Parkinson to end up dead. But Pansy Parkinson dropped to the ground with a mundane thud, just like countless others from their side and the other. She had already killed many faceless Death Eaters today, and part of her did not want to know who they were. It would make it all seem more real.

The Death Eater who had killed Pansy flicked their wand lazily to remove their mask, and it was indeed, Ginny Weasley.

"Ginny" Hermione mumbled pathetically.

"You can't possibly expect special treatment because we were friends? Me and Pansy were friends too until she turned me in" Ginny snapped. "I would've gotten away with all this without a battle, but she couldn't keep her ruddy mouth shut. Well, I guess she can now".

"Oh we were friends, were we?" Hermione hissed in a very cold tone. "So that's what friends do, is it? Spy for the opposite side, for the side that killed their mother, gave away every detail of my relationship with Draco... You accused him _so _many times when you knew it was _you__! _The whole time! You called him the coward, but you are the coward, Ginny Weasley, it was never him. He's taking on Dolohov alone right now". _  
_

"Well it's his death then, isn't it?" Ginny sneered. "But you can't possibly blame _me_! I mean, after all, you might have been able to figure it all out with that mind of yours if you weren't so busy opening your legs!"

"_You can not talk about opening your legs, Ginny Weasley" _roared Hermione. "You gave all the Death Eaters an easy lay, I heard. And while you were dating Harry Potter-

"I'd already suggested that Harry Potter be murdered by then, though".

"I hope you get _killed. _Normally I would just hope you would be put in Azkaban and given the Kiss and have to live with yourself, but you have brought a new hatred out of me. How _dare _you criticize my relationship, criticize my lover, when you are spying for _them? _You called _him _a bad person! You don't know Draco at _all _the way I do". _  
_

"Yeah, I don't really want to know what he sounds like in bed or if he's as loud as you are or how big his dick is -

"_It is _deeper _than that_!" screeched Hermione. She is surprised by the loudness of it herself. "It has _always _been deeper than that! If you knew what love was, I would tell you that I was in love with him. I wouldn't be lying. But you don't even get what love is so I can't tell you _anything _about it. I'll just tell you this; that I would take a Cruciatus curse a hundred times over for him, and that he is the _only _thing left to make me happy".

"I'll make sure to kill him, then" the redhead shrugged, smirking. "I can attend to it".

"I won't let you. I won't let you take away all I've got, Ginny Weasley. I won't let you-

"Face it, Hermione, your side has already _lost" _Ginny laughed coldly. "Your side is done for, you're all going to die".

"Well we might as well take a few of you with us, then" Hermione snapped, pulling out her wand.

But Ginny Weasley did something she didn't expect her to do at all. She dropped her wand and just stared at Hermione in an almost pleading way. "Kill me, Hermione. Just kill me".

"I can't! Not when you're all defenseless like -

A cry of Avada Kedavra came from behind her, and she expected death and shut her eyes as tight as she can handle. But she heard Ginny Weasley drop dead, and she felt a strong pair of male arms around her waist that she knew very, very well.

"You're alright, Hermione" he murmured, kissing her neck trailing his tongue over the hollow of her ear. "You're not a murderer. I made sure of that".

She opened her eyes then and spun around, hugging him as tightly as she needed to. He looked like a mess; his lower lip was split, the back of his platinum hair soaked with the crimson of blood, his left arm bleeding profusely with a deep gash where his Dark Mark used to be. She looked down at her own white button up shirt, which was indeed covered with his blood where his arm had been. She lifted her hand and placed it on his cheek, trailing her thumb up and down soothingly.

"Draco" she whispered. "You're alive. What happened to your arm?"

He raised it and shrugged, but he couldn't hide the pain he felt when he bent it when a grimace spread across his features. "Oh this? This is Dolohov's doing. He said I wasn't worthy of having a mark. He was trying to cut off my arm, I think, but I killed him before he could do it. Can't say I'm going to miss it".

He winced again when he moved it back to his side. It was bleeding more and more each minute, and she worried that he might end up losing too much blood. She made a split second decision then and removed her button up shirt, leaving her in only a tank top. She wrapped the fabric around his arm and tied it as tightly as she could, trying to cut off the blood flow. The white quickly turned red with his blood, and she was concerned. He noticed this quickly, and he was quip to cup her face in his hands and rest his forehead against her own.

"It's okay, Granger" he said quietly, pressing his lips to hers. She could taste his blood, and he could taste hers. She wondered if she looked as beat up as he did. "It's okay".

"Do you know who's died, Draco?" she asked, her eyelids fluttering.

He bit his lip. "Do you really want to know, Hermione?"

"I - I think so".

He didn't really want to say it aloud, for he feared that he would lose the composure that Granger needed at that moment. He swallowed and let out a sharp breath, attempting to void himself of any emotion".

"Potter's missing. Arthur Weasley is dead, at his own daughter's hand. George Weasley isn't right... He is talking to the mirrors inside our tents, and he refuses to believe that even Fred died years ago. He seems to think that he's at Hogwarts".

Hermione began to cry then, but only for a few moments. She had to keep it together, and she knew that. So she just kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Better th-them than us" stuttered Draco, but he doesn't sound as sure of this statement as he would like to. He was only hoping that Blaise was still okay. Blaise had to be okay, didn't he? Potter, whom had become something like a brother to Draco, was hard enough to lose, but _Blaise... _

"We should get back to fighting" she said, pulling away from him and reluctantly looking at the shattering world around them. "They need us".

::::::::::::::

Hours went by, and there was no end to it. There was no rest, no break, just more death. They were not losing, not really. If anything, the Death Eaters were being killed more frequently than the Order members, but they also had more followers. Hermione had been sitting beneath a tree and watching for a little bit, just to relax, when she heard her name.

"Hermione Granger" someone said softly.

Hermione turned to see Luna, who to her horror was laying bleeding and covered in battle scars over... no. "L-Luna".

"Leave" the blonde whispered, grabbing Hermione's hand. "I'm alright, really. I'm not dying, and I'm not dead. I'm just trying to camouflage, you know, as a strategy. But Hermione, take Draco and leave".

"Why?" Hermione whispered. "You guys need us, you guys -

"Take him and _go_" Luna murmured in her normal singsong voice. Hermione noticed that her light blue eyes, which were usually so serene, calm and content, now looked as dead as Draco's, and as dead as her own. "There are some things bigger than this war. You love him in a way I wish had the chance to love Harry in. You need to go".

"I c-can't go" Hermione stuttered. She was crying then then, and she collapsed over her best friends body and just continue to cry.

"I've talked to Draco, you know. He wants you to leave, too".

Hermione met Luna's gaze, which is teary, like her own.

"He wants you to be safe".

And she began to sob then. She had lost _everything _that day... everything except for _him_, which she knew she might end up losing as well. She knew that it was not Harry's death that would hurt her most, or Ginny's betrayal, or even the loss of her parents. It was the loss of _him. _She placed her hand on Harry's which was cold. The Boy-Who-Lived was dead. And if that did not show that everything was gone, she did not know what did.

She felt someone pull her up then, and she was being carried. She knew it was Draco before she looked up at him. She struggled and screamed, reaching her arms out back towards Harry and Luna. "_No__! _I need to stay with him! I need to beat them! I need -

"Granger" he murmured.

"You are _selfish! _You're just taking me away when you want me but they need me-

"I need you too, Granger" he objected, continuing to carry her and walk further into the woodland. "And you need me too. You are in no state to fight".

"Were _they _in a state to fight? Were they ready to die and-

"I never fucking said they were!" he interrupted in frustration. "Could you just fucking listen for _one __minute_? I have lost _everyone. _I am leaving here regardless if you go or not. Don't you think that I have lost enough? Don't you think that _you _have lost enough? I don't want to lose the only thing I have left! I can't do it. I won't live through it".

"Well they can't live through-

"Oh for the love of _God_" he shouted, placing her down on the ground carefully. She found that her legs were shaking. He gestured back to the clearing. "Go then, Granger. Go then. Go get yourself killed". _  
_

"_They need us to_ fight-

They heard the snapping of twigs then, and they looked to see George Weasley, who seemed to have regained most of his composure. "G-go with him, Hermione. We were the ones who told him to go, who told him to take you. We wanted you to leave without knowing Harry was... because we knew you wouldn't go if you did. But we need you to! We can finish fighting this on our own, you two have done enough".

"But-

There was a large crash and a shouting of 'they're in the woods!' from the Death Eaters. Hermione felt something slash her chest open then, and Draco's eyes widened, but he attempted to be calm.

Hermione clutched onto Draco for dear life then, still unsure of what exactly she was going to do. She looked back at her friends, and then she looked up at her lover. "I'll leave for tonight. But we are coming back tomorrow morning".

Draco took that to be all he needed and grabbed the Portkey to a place called Shell Cottage that Luna Lovegood had given him. He did not know Luna, but he prayed as he clutched it, and as he clutched Granger, that she would make it out of this alive and tell him about Nargles.

::::::::::::::

Draco felt Hermione trembling as he walked her towards the house at the edge of the cliff, pressing a reassuring kiss on her shoulder and tightening his arm around her waist so she would not fall. She was covered in her own blood, but she did not seem aware that she was bleeding at all.

"It'll be okay, Hermione" he murmured as she fell into his ready arms. "I can carry you".

"I can walk, thanks" she snapped.

"Only you would be this stubborn in a life or death situation, Granger" he chuckled under his breath. She did not seem to know why he was speaking of life and death until she looked down at the wound in her chest in the place she had felt the slash.

"Carry me, Draco" she said weakly. "Carry me".

He scooped her up into his arms then and pressed his lips to her forehead for a moment before walking the rest of the way up until the doorway, where he had to set her down to open the door and get her inside. "Shh" he whispered, pressing a finger to her lips when she whimpers.

"Draco, am I going to die?" she asked, a pleading and fear visible in her eyes.

"No, Granger" he answered. "I'll make sure of that if it's the last thing I do".

She did not know what was going on at all in the slightest, she seemed to be slipping in and out of reality.

"Sectumsempra curse" she heard the voice of Bill Weasley mutter.

"_Vulnera Sanentur_" Draco muttered repeatedly, remembering the words that Snape had used to close the wounds from when he himself had been hit by the curse. He watched as the wounds closed slowly, and eventually there was nothing but large scars on her chest.

Hermione watched as Draco muttered something to Bill and grabbed a small bottle from a cabinet, which Hermione recognized to be Dittany. She smiled reassuringly at him, to show that she was okay now.

"Bill, can you leave the room, please?" asked Draco in a polite tone. Bill narrowed his eyes at them, as they looked far too used to each other. Draco was unsure if he knew about his relationship with Hermione. But eventually, Bill nodded in acceptance. After he had left, Draco spoke again. "Granger, can you take your top off?"

She raised her eyebrows and began to laugh, which hurt her still tender chest. "Excuse me, Draco?"

He couldn't help but smile at her. "Granger, I need you to take off your shirt so that I can apply Dittany so you don't have as bad of scarring... you'll still have a little, because we didn't apply it a second after you got hit but..."

He removed his own top, and pointed to a few pinkish marks against his otherwise flawless porcelain skin. "We match, Granger" he said with a lighthearted smile. She studied his well sculpted muscles, something she hadn't done in a long time and noticed a few peculiar bruises on his neck. He noticed where her eyes were and grinned even wider. "Those weren't from the battle. Those were from in the forest. Primitive of you". His smile faded then, and his lips parted. There was something unreadable in his eyes. "Take off your shirt, Granger".

She attempted to remove her tank top, but winces when a cut on her arm from the very beginning of the battle that had scabbed over reopens in the process. "Could you help me?" she mumbled, blushing.

He hovered over her then, supporting himself on his arms and kissing her neck. "Yes, Granger. I can help you".

He removed her shirt then and then the slashed remnants of her bra. The scars were bad... he thought that they were worse than his own, until he remembered the large and still-bleeding gash in his skin where his Dark Mark once was. He murmured the counter curse again to his own wound and it closes, but he figured that it had already been hours too long to heal the bright red scar.

He looked down at her scars again and grabs a sponge, dabbing on Essence of Dittany to every crevice of every one of her wounds, even the ones that had not been from the 'Sectumsempra' curse. It was much more intimate than either of them thought it would be. She watched as her cuts and scrapes vanished before her eyes, even the worst ones, because of Draco. She figured that this was a metaphor, really; he was healing all her wounds, even the deepest ones, and he would continue too until they went away.

"This is nice" she hummed.

He nodded and set the sponge to the side when he was finished.

"It's like - it's like a representation about how I feel for you" she murmured, pulling her down to him so that he was atop her again, and so that his forehead was kissing hers. "You heal everything".

She could physically feel her exhaustion crushing her, but she felt that she needed this more than she ever had in her life. She was kissing him then. Kissing him because he was alive, kissing him because she knew she had all the time in the world to. "I love you" he mumbled into her skin, trailing sloppy open-mouthed kisses down her neck. She moaned when his mouth began working wonders at her nipple, and he looked up at her with an unreadable expression. "I love you" he murmured again, trailing the kisses back up collarbones and eventually to her jawline.

"I love you too, Draco" she whispered.

His fingers trailed slightly under the waistband of her sweatpants, and he removed them slowly and carefully as though they are the most important thing in the world to her. He then removed his own trousers and positioned himself to enter her, but stopped at the last moment, still hovering right at the base of her entrance. "No regrets, Granger? You're not angry with me? You won't leave me?"

"Never" she whispered. She was crying now, but it was not because she was sad. It was not because she was happy, either. It was because there was this emotion that was finally allowed presence in her, and it is beating along with her heart. "I don't have any regrets".

He entered her then, and she gasped with pleasure and perhaps felt more filled than she ever had because she is so aware of how connected they really are. He was gentle and careful with her, as tough she was fragile, which she reminded herself that she was. She met his eyes instead of closing her eyes this time, just so that she could watch his features and how very concentrated and tender he _really _looked. She moaned when he hit a particularly sensitive spot, and he groaned as well, seeming to find the angle just as satisfying as he does.

The wooden futon, along with it's mattress, was creaking below them in withdrawal, and Hermione briefly acknowledged that Bill and Fleur could probably hear them, but she forgot no quicker than it entered her mind. Before they knew it, they were both a mess of shaking limbs and the only sound to be heard throughout the living room was their whimpers and murmurs.

They climax almost exactly at the same time, moaning and mumbling incoherent things, and after, she finds herself more satisfied than she had ever been in her life. "I love you" she murmured, pressing her lips to his. "I love you".

He caught her lips for a brief moment before wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling his face into her neck, breathing in the scent of her hair that he had grown accustomed too. "I love you too, Granger".

"Draco... before we sleep" she mumbled, meeting his eyes. It was the first time he really saw how much the day had damaged her. Her eyes looked so much more wounded than her chest. There was so much sadness there, so much mourning. "Do you think we'll ever be okay again?"

"I don't know" he sighed. "But we'll try".

She kissed his nose and turned so that he was spooning her and clung onto his arms so that he held her tighter.

Neither of them wanted to sleep that night, but eventually, their physical and emotional exhaustion outweighed their fear of dreaming.

Hermione dreamed of Harry's dead body.

Draco dreamed of his father being alive, and on top of that, knowing about him and Granger.

Their fears of nightmares were very much fulfilled.

::::::::::::::

**Author's Note**

Check out the new fic I posted! on a bittersweet note, only 2 more chapters left of this, and perhaps an epilogue, if I'm kind, but I sometimes like to leave things open for you to imagine. Oh well. Yay fangirling bc I got to use Cosmic Love as the lyric excerpt for this chapter which I've been waiting to do since I started writing this but was waiting for the right chapter. Hope this is great.


	32. A Sort Of Victory

**Chapter 32 ~ A Sort Of Victory**

_"When we first came here, we were cold and we were clear  
With no colors in our skin, we were light and paper thin  
__And when we first came here, __we were cold and we were clear  
With no colors in our skin, 'til we let the spectrum in  
__Say my name, a__nd every color illuminates  
We are shining, and we will never be afraid again__" _  
~ Spectrum by Florence and the Machine

When they awoke the next morning, they could feel the troubled outside world though they were safe in Shell Cottage. Hermione's face was buried in Draco's chest, her hands clenched on his shoulders just so she could have a grasp of him. She feared if she let go of him, he would disappear for some noble reason. Draco's head was nuzzled in her neck under her hair, and he pressed a light kiss there as soon as he had woken up. They lay there for quite a long while, and neither of them dared to say anything. They just basked in that by some miracle, they were here. By some miracle, they were alive.

He was the first to speak, and he did so after he finished pressing urgent kisses against her lips. He was tracing absent-minded patterns on her cheekbones, and his forehead was rested against hers. "Are you alright, after yesterday?"

They did not want to talk about it. Neither of them did. But it was inevitable that they did, and that it would come up at some point during that day. He thought it was better to get it over with.

"How could I be?" she replied with a sad, forlorn smile. "I lost my best friend yesterday, and Pansy. Pansy and I had a strong friendship and she finally got a chance to redeem herself and then... but it could have been you. I'd rather have anyone gone than you".

"At least Weaslette got her retribution. She had it coming to her... I only wish that I got her before she got Potter" he grimaced at the mention of Harry, who had become one of the people he cared about, somehow. "I only hope that the battle's not too long after this".

"It's over" said the voice of Bill Weasley, who had apparently been standing in the kitchen the whole time. "We've won, at least for now. It'll never really be over. I wonder if we really won at all, we have to live with all the memories of it".

"No survivors on their side?" asked Draco, arching an eyebrow.

"None" replied Bill. His eyes trailed downward to the bright red scar on his arm where his mark had been, and then they trailed back up to meet Draco's grey gaze. "How does it feel to be a free man?"

"I'm not free. Not really. I was still one of them, wasn't I?"

"_Was_" murmured Hermione, grabbing hold of her lover's hand. "Was, Draco. It's past tense, it's not true anymore. You're an amazingly good man now. You always were, you just didn't have the chance to show it".

He shook his head and pressed his lips against her cheek, but said nothing in reply to that statement.

"How's Fleur?" questioned Hermione nervously.

"Dead" Bill supplied. There was no light in his eyes anymore, and he looked more worn than ever. Hermione felt a tear slide down her cheek, and she knew it wasn't for Fleur, she had barely known her. It was for Bill. She couldn't scarcely imagine how it would feel to lose Draco. "One of the new recruits got to her. I didn't know his name".

"I'm sorry" Draco apologized earnestly, meeting the other man's eyes with a soft, pitiful look. Both sets of eyes in the room fixed themselves on him. "I just.. If I lost Hermione... I don't want to picture it".

Bill grinned a small grin despite himself. "So it's true, then, what everyone's been telling me?"

"Depends what everyone's been telling you" replied Draco, shrugging.

"You and Hermione. Huh. Can't say I would've seen that coming. You two used to wake up the whole camp with your arguments, and of course I left with Fleur before you two became erh... better acquainted" Bill mumbled. "I... You love her, do you?"

He gazed at Hermione meaningfully before returning his eyes to the red haired man in front of him. "I love her, yeah. But I feel like the word's underwhelming things entirely. It's so overused and... It's deeper than that. It always has been".

Hermione smiled. "I once referred to him as my soulmate to Ginny".

"Soulmate?" Draco groaned. "That's even worse. I hate that word".

"It's true, Draco" Hermione murmured. "I know it is. I... I've known for a long time. Ever since we first started up whatever this is".

"I didn't say it wasn't true" his lips twitched upward at the corners. "I know it is, Granger. It's just too cliche for my liking... and so fucking _fluffy _and _gushy. _'Course you bleeding heart Gryffindors don't mind that".

"Well... you two should return to camp and gather your things. Luna sent a Patronus this morning. Everyone's parting their ways tonight after a bonfire".

"Are you going, Bill?" inquired Hermione, though she knew the answer.

The redhead shook his head solemnly and began to head up the stairs. He turned back halfway up the small wooden staircase, freezing completely and turning his head slightly to say, "Good luck".

Hermione ran up to give her friend a firm hug, and Draco followed, but he was unsure of what to do. What was there to say to a man he had just met that had just about saved the life of the woman he loved? He nodded curtly in acknowledgement, but Bill Weasley pulled him into a hug and patted his back. "You deserve her, you know" Bill mumbled into Draco's ear. "Ginny always said you didn't but... you're a brave man, Draco. You earned your redemption completely. You earned everything you have".

He smiled to show his gratitude, because words would not be enough to express his thanks at this simple statement.

He turned away and grabbed Hermione's hand, Apparating them both to the Order's campsite.

:::::::::::::

The campsite was a wreck. The tents, which had a special charm cast upon them, were mostly intact, but the campsite was a scorched mess. The tall grass near the water had been burned, the birch tree he and Granger often sat under and talked had collapsed, and there was a pile of bodies in the corner of the camp. George Weasley was the first person he saw once he arrived, and Hermione ran over to Luna, so he stopped to speak with him.

"Erh - thanks, Weasley" Draco offered awkwardly. But the thanks to _this _man was indescribable. If it wasn't for him, Hermione would've died; and if Hermione had died, he would've died as well. "I couldn't describe how grateful I am if I tried".

George shrugged, and he smiled, but it only made him look more exhausted and miserable than he already was. "I figured someone deserved a little bit of happiness through all this".

Draco nodded stiffly. "You'll find some too. We've got lives ahead of us now".

"How do we even continue now? All we know is war" George sighed.

"We don't continue" replied Draco. "We start again".

Draco averted his eyes from George and began scanning the pile of bodies for Blaise Zabini. George seemed to catch on to what he was looking for.

"He's alright, mate. Blaise is fine. He's just recovering in headquarters from some wounds he got from a curse" George said calmly. "You're probably one of the bravest men I've known. You won this war for us. We couldn't have done it without your help... ever".

"Just wanted to do my time, make up for my past faults" he replied impassively. "I wanted to redeem myself, put the honor back in my name".

"You did. You'll go down in history books".

Draco nodded. "You're not so bad, Weasley. I always thought you were rather amusing in school, really".

"I thought you were funny in a smug bastard sort of way" George grinned. "Sorry I beat you up in my seventh year. Well, actually not really, but it a pretty fond memory now when I look back on it. You were a smug bastard in all, I think. Wasn't just your humor".

"I'll always be a smug bastard" Draco smirked. "Some things never change".

::::::::::::::

Hermione and Draco sat in her room at the edge of her bed. She was smiling to herself for a few minutes before Draco pointed it out. Draco arched an eyebrow, meeting her honey colored gaze. "What are you smiling about, Granger? You look as if Christmas has come early".

She laughed airily and shook her head. "It's nothing I just... We fell in love here, Draco. I still remember. I told you to take my virginity. I remember every detail. I could tell you that it was cloudy outside, and that you popped a button on your shirt and... It feels like it was years ago, doesn't it? We've come so far since then.. Everything's changed now".

He kissed her for a few brief, cherished moments before his lips parted and he sucked in a breath hesitantly. "Granger... where are you going now? You know, now that the war is over?"

"It depends" she smiled, exposing the dimples he had grown so fond of. "Where are you going?"

"You choose" he suggested, grinning. He had been dwelling on the matter for a long time, wondering if he and Granger would go separate ways after the war, and it relieved him that that was not her intention at all. "Just don't have it be in Britain, I'm about done with this damned place".

Hermione chuckled. "We all are. We should go to Italy, you know, like you said?"

"I'm rather fond of Paris" Draco shrugged his shoulders.

"The city of love?" inquired Hermione, her grin only widening. "Are you a closet romantic, Draco?"

He frowned. "Please never say my name along with romantic in the same phrase. I'm just used to France. I used to visit all the time in the summer during my childhood. I don't speak French very well, though, so I guess that's an issue that gets in the way of it".

"I speak fluently" she supplied. "I could teach you".

"Of course you do" he shook his head, laughing.

They sat in silence for a few moments, and Draco smirked to himself when he noticed Hermione swinging her feet like a child. But he had a serious matter on his hands, that he had to consider bringing up at all. It would be so out of character for him, but it was so _necessary _to him. He opened his mouth to speak, swallowing nervously. _Smoothly, Draco, _his brain prompted him.

"Marry me, Granger" he blurted. He groaned. It was certainly not the smooth situation he had been planning for weeks, but then again, everything had changed in weeks. "This is probably the most shit proposal you could ever dream of. I haven't even got a ring, and I'm not down on one knee with roses or throwing an engagement party, and my words didn't even come out as a question. Just... I don't know if I could survive without you anymore and I don't want you to leave and this is _it _I guess. I think you're intelligent, and beautiful, and caring, and this is a one off, I'm telling you, I'm not some bleeding heart, heart-on-my-sleeve Gryffindor, so just take in the words now. I love you, Hermione. I'm yours".

"I-I love you too Draco. And... I'll marry you".

"I want it to be private, with only a couple people there" he stated. "Our relationship has been witnessed enough by our mates and... I don't know".

"We should leave for Australia tomorrow... to find my parents. I'll revoke their memory charms. I really want them to meet you I think that they'd like you" she mused.

"They'd like the Draco Malfoy that picked on their daughter for years in school?"

Hermione laughed. "You've changed now, Draco. You were just a kid then. They'll know that... they'll understand. I'd say that you've made up for all that anyways. You've saved my life directly three times and indirectly even more times, and emotionally even more. I had forgotten how to live but you... you made me remember".

There was a knock on the door before Luna Lovegood entered, who was in her usual dream-like state, but she was smiling. "Pansy left a note for you in your room, Draco... I think it was supposed to be private, though. Hermione, there's one for you too... it's under your pillow. I've got to talk to you, by the way, about Harry's will and all that. You should go read your letter, Draco".

::::::::::::::

Draco entered his room and immediately walked to his bed, which sure enough had an envelope on it addressed to him in Pansy's fancy cursive handwriting. He ripped it open and unfolded the letter, which was typed on the typewriter that George had inherited from his father. So they had been something indeed, though briefly.

_**Dear Draco, **  
__If you're reading this, I've either left to lead on my life because the war is over, or the war has killed me. Either way, I just wanted to say goodbye properly. I never really fell out of love with you, though you know that. If anything I fell deeper in love with you when I saw the man that you've become. You were the one that made me reconsider my views on things, and if you hadn't have left the Death Eaters I would have remained the same ignorant little child that I knew in school. I don't _

_know how I can express my thanks to you for changing me.  
__You and Hermione... I know you probably don't want to hear about this from your ex-girlfriend, and that you've probably already heard about your relationship with her quite enough since it began, but I have to talk about it. You and her have the kind of love that most people never get to experience, and I think that it changed her just as much as it changed you. Don't leave her, Draco. I know the man you are now will want to run simply because you don't believe yourself worthy, but you are more than worthy. You complete her, and she completes you. Marry her, start a family, lead peaceful lives (or as peaceful as your life with her can be, anyways). Don't be afraid of having children, Draco, because I know you will. You don't want them to be ashamed of their father, you told me once in sixth year, I remember. They'll be proud of their father, and they'll have no reason to be ashamed simply because of the bad choices of your past family members.  
_

_I didn't write to Hermione, I didn't have the time, and I didn't know what to say to her, but tell her that I care about her a lot, and that she became one of the best friends I've had in years. She confided in me, and she let me confide in her. She listened to me and believed that I had changed when no one else would. Tell her that I wish you and her the best, and that I hope she has a wonderful life. Tell her that I'm sorry I picked on her at school; I was always so jealous of her, and that's why I hated her really. I hated myself for wanting to be like a Mudblood. It got worse after I saw the way you looked at her at the Yule Ball, too. She looked beautiful that day; even you knew it. _

_I hope that you believe you're a good man now, and I hope that you and Hermione are both alive and well. It would pain me so much to know that you two were torn apart that way, because I don't think you guys would ever be torn apart in any other way. I wish you two the best of luck. And Draco, I'm so sorry for everything I've done. I'm so sorry for selling out Hermione, because I know that you're still angry for that. I just didn't want to see you with her. But once I saw more of you two together, I regretted it. I'm still guilty. Please, do my memory a favor, and forgive me. _

_If I am alive, please write to me on occasion, and keep me posted on things. If not, well... I don't know where I'll be, but if I went to Heaven or wherever, I guess I'll just check in every once in a while. _

_Lots of love to you both, _

Pansy

"I forgive you" he mumbled pointlessly. "I forgave you before I read this".

And somehow, he missed her. He did not want to, because it was a pointless act to miss someone that had died, but still, he did. And he cried, because she was only one of the many that had passed on.

He thought Bill Weasley had a point about winning.

Hermione came in silently after hearing his sobs and just held him until they stopped. But they didn't really stop, not really. They were just kept inside.

They had won the war, but it was no victory.

::::::::::::::

The members of the Order said their goodbyes over the coming weeks in April. It was a bittersweet sort of time, because they knew they were going to have a shot at happiness now, but they also knew that it would probably be the last time that they ever thought about it. There were tears, and laughs, and a lot of peace made. They said goodbye officially over a bonfire on the last night of April, and in the morning, Hermione and Draco met in front of their tent. Both of them dropped their luggage to embrace each other in a bone-crushing hug.

"Are you ready?" he asked, pressing a light kiss on her temple.

"Not really" she answered, grinning nervously and twisting out of his arms, grabbing his hand instead so she could pick up her things. "I don't think anyone's really ready, though".

Draco looked around the campsite. The tents were taken down, and there was no sign that it had been a campsite at all. He couldn't help but feel fond of the place, though there were so many negative memories there. "We'll manage" he shrugged, smirking. "As long as you put a silencing spell on the bathroom, anyways. Your singing in the shower this morning was dreadful. I was afraid I would go deaf. Don't know if my ears will ever be the same".

She swatted at his arm, but she was laughing. "You're an incorrigible prat".

"You're an irritating know-it-all. Maybe that's why we get on so well; only we can bear the burden of each others company. I'm also too attractive for most women to handle".

"Prat" she mumbled.

He stroked her thumb with his own, intertwining their fingers even tighter. She rested her head on his shoulder and hummed. "We'll make it out, Granger. Don't be so tense. We made it out of this war. Starting a new life shouldn't be any more difficult than that".

"So, to Australia?"

She nodded. "To Australia".

And then he kissed her like he needed to, because he did. And just like every kiss prior to that one, it took her breath away.

**_fin_**

* * *

**Author's Note**

I finished my baby ;-; crying inside, a little on the outside. I had originally intended to put another chapter, but I thought this was the ending.

UGH I DON'T WANT TO STOP WRITING THIS HELP MY BABIES :(((((( WOEIFJOWIEJFOI ALL THE FUCKING FEELS... :::::::(((((((( HELP HELP HELP. I love all your love and support and like everything UGH HELP DON't WANT TO STOP EDITING THIS DOCUMENT IT MEANS IT'S OVER OKAY WAOIEJFOAIWJEOFIJWOIEJFOI

I LOVE YOU I HOPE YOU LOVED READING THIS AS MUCH AS I LOVED WRITING IT.

(there will be _most likely _be an epilogue but i'm still putting it as complete because technically it is ya)

xoxoxo yay

Ill continue writing Hardest of Hearts, so this isn't the last fic. I also have a few even after that one (which i just started) that are planned and ready to write. Yay! Well, I'll see you all later.


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